How to better sell my lifestyle when it comes to modern dating standards?

[Brian39WV]

The harsh truth when it comes to dating is that everyone has standards of one sort or another. Another harsh truth (at least for me personally) is that I typically do not meet these standards. I do not have a ton of friends or an active social life; I am not currently employed (I certainly do not make a ton of money), I do not have any relationship experience, I live with my parents, I am autistic- I will stop there but I imagine the list could go on.

I do not beat myself up over this reality. I am who I am. I am not in any way ashamed over who I am or my lifestyle. I am proud of who I am and have worked very hard to achieve everything I have achieved (I am not one to list my accomplishments).

I am also trying to put myself out there and start dating again. My last date was in 2017. And I never had many dates to begin with. One piece of advice I have often been told is to date other autistic women. This is certainly something I am more than open and happy to do.

I guess my question (mostly to women with autism on here) would you date someone like me? I am not asking if you would date me, I am asking would you consider dating a guy if you knew those facts about his life?

I certainly know I am asking for a lot at this point. But also does anyone have any advice in how I can sell these facts about me better? I am not in the least bit ashamed of who I am or my lifestyle. I have worked very hard and accomplished a great deal in my life. I plan on continuing to work very hard and accomplish a great deal in my life. But I realize when I talk about myself people seem to think I am down or depressed. Not at all. I am a very happy and content person- again I have worked very hard to achieve everything and the life I live.

I want to be upfront and honest with people right away about who I am (I mean obviously) but I also do not want to come off as downtrodden or like I am complaining. What is the best way to get these facts across without seeming like I am ashamed of them?

 

[Tired]

I guess my question (mostly to women with autism on here) would you date someone like me?

I would never date anyone who lives with their parents. My boyfriend atm is autistic and has no job (he's a medicine intern tho), so i am the main provider in the family. Neither me nor him are happy with me being the only one bringing money in the house, but of course we both know that that is like this for a moment, so we don't have any problems with that.

 

[Outdated]

I would never date anyone who lives with their parents.

I believe this is true of everyone I've ever met in life including myself. I'm a slightly older generation, but when I was growing up anyone still living with their parents after about the age of 18 or 19 was considered weird.

There's lots of different areas of life that people will use to judge you as if they are certain levels of maturity. This is true in all social interactions and it's also common questions you'll get asked during job interviews. Do you live in your own home? Can you drive a car? Are you financially stable or wallowing in debt?

No one cares about how much money you do or don't have or whether or not you're currently working but all these types of things add up to people's first impressions of you. What they really want to know is if you are someone who stands on their own two feet or are you always dependent on everyone around you.

 

[Tired]

I believe this is true of everyone I've ever met in life including myself. I'm a slightly older generation, but when I was growing up anyone still living with their parents after about the age of 18 or 19 was considered weird.

There's lots of different areas of life that people will use to judge you as if they are certain levels of maturity. This is true in all social interactions and it's also common questions you'll get asked during job interviews. Do you live in your own home? Can you drive a car? Are you financially stable or wallowing in debt?

No one cares about how much money you do or don't have or whether or not you're currently working but all these types of things add up to people's first impressions of you. What they really want to know is if you are someone who stands on their own two feet or are you always dependent on everyone around you.

For me it's important to be able to come to the home of my partner without constantly seeing his parents. I want privacy.

 

[Xinyta]

I live with my parents

Sadly, this is your biggest issue stopping any kind of romantic relationship. Even friends would call you out on it. No one looks at someone living with thier parents, as something to aspire for in a mate. This isn't a act of prejudice. Just a fact of society and general life.

Maturity is a built in aspect of what people look for. This IS NOT negotiable.

 

[Brian39WV]

Sadly, this is your biggest issue stopping any kind of romantic relationship. Even friends would call you out on it. No one looks at someone living with thier parents, as something to aspire for in a mate. This isn't a act of prejudice. Just a fact of society and general life.

Maturity is a built in aspect of what people look for. This IS NOT negotiable.

I do not know what to tell you other than I am very happy and content with where I live. I do not plan on moving out any time soon. I have no shame or unhappiness living with my parents.

If someone does not want to date me because I live with my parents that is totally fine. But I am going to keep looking until I am in a relationship. I imagine billions of people over the years have gotten into relationships while they lived with their parents.

 

[JayLapointe]

Sadly, this is your biggest issue stopping any kind of romantic relationship. Even friends would call you out on it. No one looks at someone living with thier parents, as something to aspire for in a mate. This isn't a act of prejudice. Just a fact of society and general life.

Maturity is a built in aspect of what people look for. This IS NOT negotiable.

I hope you aren't implying that anyone that lives with their parents lacks maturity. That is a bold stance. Given the state of the economy and housing market in most countries these days it's not unsurprising to see more adults living at home.


To the original poster, I'm in my 40's and do live with my parents as well. And yes it does make life more difficult in terms of dating. However, anyone that is going to fault you simply for that, is someone that you probably didn't want to be with in the first place. Consider it a screening tool saving you from a lot of bad dates, and crap people.

I don't really have any advice on meeting people or dating while living at home. For me in the last 10 years I've been back helping out my parents I really haven't dated much. The folks I did date didn't care about my living situation but I was upfront from the start about it.

When I first moved home I was fresh out of school and financially couldn't afford my own place. I was in a see of student loan debt. I can afford my own place now, but it doesn't make much sense that I'd throw away money on an apartment just to "live alone". I hope my parents live many years, but they are both elderly and chances are I'll inherit the house and be on my own in the next 10 years. So while I could live alone, I think I'd much rather save/invest, and retire early at 55. Also my parents being elderly now need extra help around the house and I'm glad to be there to do that for them.

All things are mixed, and I guess what I'm trying to say is what I already said, if someone won't date you because of your living situation, that is just a red flag you luckily avoided.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

What I have noticed is living at your parents place is depend, on do you have siblings Parents eventually pass, seen this first hand. Wifes sister had to purchase parents home when she was in her 60's, lost her job as taken over by robots, too old to find fitting employment. Wife friend had sibling parent passed in 90's had to pay her sibling half of home take on mortgage, same thing in her 60's. Last thing you want to do meet someone tell them your stuck with sharing debt with them if relationship turns into marriage. Delaying life's trials hoping it gets better is putting head in sand Better to have plan, worked for wife and I.

 

[Mary Terry]

The fact that a man lives with his parents would not be an automatic reason for me to reject him for a date. I'd want to know the circumstances before I judged. I'd actually be more interested in a guy who lives with his parents to help them in their old age than a guy who selfishly ignores his aging parents' needs. My thought process would be along the lines of "here is a good man who takes care of his parents so that probably means he would take care of me if I needed help."

The best thing you can do is to be honest in describing yourself and the kind of person you want to date or the kind of relationship that you are seeking.

 

[velociraptor]

I am not currently employed

I live with my parents, I am autistic

You will probably need to search for someone who is in similar circumstances. Women who are self-sufficient generally aren't looking to be caregivers to those who are less capable. My own wife was blunt about that when we met. She was okay with me supporting her as a stay at home mom, but she had no interest in supporting me as a stay at home dad or just supporting me at home as someone who could not work. There has always been an expectation I'll hold my own, even with my myriad health issues.

That being said, we have a clear understanding of what "in sickness and health" means. I'm starting to worry that her personality change might be due to sickness and I'd be a heel to walk away from that. I'm still here and I will stay here, even if I need to vent over it. I know she would do the same for me if my health took a turn for the worse and I could not work. That part is solid.

I just can't say that I've ever known a lot of capable women who are flexible in this area when it comes to dating a less capable partner (apologies for indelicate phrasing). Perhaps there is some ancient biological imperative driving it? Don't know. Just know what I've experienced. In the limited cases where I've seen a fellow in your shoes get married, it was to a woman in similar circumstances. So that's where I'd look. That, or you'll need to level up.

Good luck with it.

 

[Brian39WV]

I hope you aren't implying that anyone that lives with their parents lacks maturity. That is a bold stance. Given the state of the economy and housing market in most countries these days it's not unsurprising to see more adults living at home.


To the original poster, I'm in my 40's and do live with my parents as well. And yes it does make life more difficult in terms of dating. However, anyone that is going to fault you simply for that, is someone that you probably didn't want to be with in the first place. Consider it a screening tool saving you from a lot of bad dates, and crap people.

I don't really have any advice on meeting people or dating while living at home. For me in the last 10 years I've been back helping out my parents I really haven't dated much. The folks I did date didn't care about my living situation but I was upfront from the start about it.

When I first moved home I was fresh out of school and financially couldn't afford my own place. I was in a see of student loan debt. I can afford my own place now, but it doesn't make much sense that I'd throw away money on an apartment just to "live alone". I hope my parents live many years, but they are both elderly and chances are I'll inherit the house and be on my own in the next 10 years. So while I could live alone, I think I'd much rather save/invest, and retire early at 55. Also my parents being elderly now need extra help around the house and I'm glad to be there to do that for them.

All things are mixed, and I guess what I'm trying to say is what I already said, if someone won't date you because of your living situation, that is just a red flag you luckily avoided.

On the whole I would say I completely agree with you. I will tell a quick story. A few years ago, I was living on my own. My parents had bought me a little townhouse (they are upper middle class) and I was working a very basic 30,000 dollar a year job. None of it was fancy but I was proud of both things.

At the time I was spending time on Reddit essentially doing the same thing I am doing here- looking for a girlfriend. I was explaining my situation and trying to see if women would be interested in someone like me. Now I know Reddit can be a bit of a cruel place. But women on there kept telling me my dating options would be extremely limited if I was only making say 30,000 dollars a year. In my own life trying to date online I found this to be true as well. I began to understand the game that was being played.

If I finally started making 35,000 dollars a year women would complain that I was not making 40,000 a year; if I was making 40,000 dollars a year women would complain I was not making 50,000. Well, you get the idea. I realized it was just a never-ending quest to improve.

But that is just not me. I am just not a competitive person and with my autism I will simply never earn much beyond minimum wage. I was half killing myself working as hard as I was for the 30,000. I was unhappy living alone (I have never enjoyed living alone) and the only reason I was living alone was so that I had a better chance of getting into a relationship. A couple of years of living like that felt like banging my head against the wall trying to get into a relationship.

I eventually figured screw it. If I am still not going to impress women with my job and owning my own place what is the point? I am not a materialistic person in any sense anyways. And deep down I know any future girlfriend of mine is probably not going to be a materialist either, so what is the point of it all. I might as well move back home and be much happier living there all while I am trying to get into a relationship.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My wife is very independent, always insisted on paying her own way even on a date. Fortunately we are mirror image
both second oldest, I, 2nd of for brothers she is second of three sisters.I have fifth oldest sister she fifth oldest brother. Us being opposites makes it work for our relationship. Also we both come from outside of the city.

 

[JayLapointe]

On the whole I would say I completely agree with you. I will tell a quick story. A few years ago, I was living on my own. My parents had bought me a little townhouse (they are upper middle class) and I was working a very basic 30,000 dollar a year job. None of it was fancy but I was proud of both things.

At the time I was spending time on Reddit essentially doing the same thing I am doing here- looking for a girlfriend. I was explaining my situation and trying to see if women would be interested in someone like me. Now I know Reddit can be a bit of a cruel place. But women on there kept telling me my dating options would be extremely limited if I was only making say 30,000 dollars a year. In my own life trying to date online I found this to be true as well. I began to understand the game that was being played.

If I finally started making 35,000 dollars a year women would complain that I was not making 40,000 a year; if I was making 40,000 dollars a year women would complain I was not making 50,000. Well, you get the idea. I realized it was just a never-ending quest to improve.

But that is just not me. I am just not a competitive person and with my autism I will simply never earn much beyond minimum wage. I was half killing myself working as hard as I was for the 30,000. I was unhappy living alone (I have never enjoyed living alone) and the only reason I was living alone was so that I had a better chance of getting into a relationship. A couple of years of living like that felt like banging my head against the wall trying to get into a relationship.

I eventually figured screw it. If I am still not going to impress women with my job and owning my own place what is the point? I am not a materialistic person in any sense anyways. And deep down I know any future girlfriend of mine is probably not going to be a materialist either, so what is the point of it all. I might as well move back home and be much happier living there all while I am trying to get into a relationship.

I think you've got a good outlook there. It's a strange thing but I have found that whenever I was actively looking for a relationship I never had any luck and it's when I wasn't looking that I'd end up meeting folks and having dates. Being open to the possibility but not searching for it seems to be the key.

I'll be honest there are plenty of times where I get frustrated with my parents. I have a good and healthy relationship with them, but there are times were yeah it would be nice if I was alone and could do whatever I want whenever. But I think that's going to be natural and would be the same if I had room mates instead. And I'd much sooner have the occasional frustrations than be completely alone.

You sound like you know yourself well enough to know what will make you happy and you aren't worried about what people think about you. That's a step beyond where most folks, even neurotypicals, ever get. It may sound trite to say but continue being true to yourself and I think you'll do alright.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Men aren't all the same. Everyone is different. Same with women. There are millions of women that would be good matches with you in different ways. Everyone is different, and everyone is on a different path.

 

[Xinyta]

I hope you aren't implying that anyone that lives with their parents lacks maturity. That is a bold stance. Given the state of the economy and housing market in most countries these days it's not unsurprising to see more adults living at home.

I'll admit that I was projecting a little. But I do agree. With things the way they are, it's not unusual. I've been thinking on it since my post. I was thinking in regards of hanging on your parents and having them do alot of things for you. Namely financially, survival, and comfortability. Making no effort to help yourself. Truthfully, I am thinking in regards of my past mistakes and not fully in regards of the present topic. I am sorry for coming off this way. I have some work to do on myself still.

@Brian39WV My first post wasn't a healthy outlook. I'm glad you are looking at your situation in a positive light and are still trying. I'm sure there are people out there that'll understand where you are coming from.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Yeshuasdaughter is correct in the sense that there likely is a "match" for nearly everyone. You just haven't met this person yet.

That said, there are a lot of cultural considerations that need to be considered as contributing factors of why some of us haven't been able to find "our person" yet. The following more aptly applies to what would be considered more of a "traditional" situation... which yours is not... but it certainly begins to limit one's options and opportunities. Just some thoughts here from someone who has been married for nearly 40 years.

1. Financial security. Money will not make anyone happy, but it does reduce worry and stress when it comes to one's ability to live independently... transportation, a steady income, a roof over your head, food on the table, etc. We are all acutely aware of how expensive things are today. A woman who is thinking about a relationship with a man is more likely to be with him if he has the means to provide... is disciplined, accountable, and responsible.

2. Her parents will always judge... sometimes subtle, sometimes blunt and in your face... but they are parents. They want to know that their baby girl is going to taken care of and be happy. You do, in a way, have to win them over as well.

3. Traditional women would never consider anyone who lives with their parents... unless you can make a case where "you are taking care of them" and not the other way round. Regardless, she is NOT moving into your parent's home. Now, if you can find a woman that is OK with that... you've found a "unicorn".

4. A woman needs to feel safe and secure in her environment... financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. You need to be "that guy" that is able to "check all the boxes". If you don't have all your **** together, she's not going to stick around. It's too much stress.

5. It's not always the responsibility of the man to provide everything. In a strong relationship, the both of you are a team... "you do this, I do that"... complementing each other's skill sets. You both bring something to the relationship and there had better be some balance there. If she is the one making most of the money... you're probably staying home with the children, for example. If you're a great cook and she's not... guess who makes dinner? If she has a particular way of doing the laundry... best to let her do it. So on and so forth. 1 + 1 = 3 situation. She leans on you, you lean on her. The two of you making 1 good person.

 

[Rodafina]

I do not know what to tell you other than I am very happy and content with where I live. I do not plan on moving out any time soon. I have no shame or unhappiness living with my parents.

If someone does not want to date me because I live with my parents that is totally fine… I imagine billions of people over the years have gotten into relationships while they lived with their parents.

I feel the same way.

Lots of people will develop very strong opinions about “living with your parents,” without knowing/understanding/caring about the circumstances that led to that. Sometimes, that’s just the way things work out in life and we, adult children continue to live with our parents. At some point, we start caring for them.

You may need to find someone a bit unique who can understand, and it’s possible that person is more rare in certain cultures. But, I am with you - there’s no reason for shame.

---

I wonder if it might be helpful for you to drop the idea of dating “standards.” Totally understand what you’re saying, but that mindset sort of sets you up to fail. Really, people’s standards are just their preferences and everyone’s are different.

Maybe you could think about it more in terms of finding the right combination between you and another person who can complement each other, rather than someone who has some standard that you would always have to live up to. I think sometimes we have to search a little harder as autistic people and looking to the true individuals and the ones on fringes might lead to better opportunities.

 

[Jonn]

I hope you aren't implying that anyone that lives with their parents lacks maturity. That is a bold stance. Given the state of the economy and housing market in most countries these days it's not unsurprising to see more adults living at home.


To the original poster, I'm in my 40's and do live with my parents as well. And yes it does make life more difficult in terms of dating. However, anyone that is going to fault you simply for that, is someone that you probably didn't want to be with in the first place. Consider it a screening tool saving you from a lot of bad dates, and crap people.

I don't really have any advice on meeting people or dating while living at home. For me in the last 10 years I've been back helping out my parents I really haven't dated much. The folks I did date didn't care about my living situation but I was upfront from the start about it.

When I first moved home I was fresh out of school and financially couldn't afford my own place. I was in a see of student loan debt. I can afford my own place now, but it doesn't make much sense that I'd throw away money on an apartment just to "live alone". I hope my parents live many years, but they are both elderly and chances are I'll inherit the house and be on my own in the next 10 years. So while I could live alone, I think I'd much rather save/invest, and retire early at 55. Also my parents being elderly now need extra help around the house and I'm glad to be there to do that for them.

All things are mixed, and I guess what I'm trying to say is what I already said, if someone won't date you because of your living situation, that is just a red flag you luckily avoided.

I totally agree.

I stayed in the family home for an extended period while I built my wealth.
As a result, I am completely financially independent.
Having assets opens up additional opportunities.
There is no one way to live a life.

 

[Poppy98]

I'm surprised that so many people were quite as harsh about living with your parents.


I do think that people look more kindly upon people who are even using support services or a group home rather than their parents, but I'm sure there are also some females who need that level of support as well.


I do not need that level of care. Therefore even if I were to date, I would be less likely to date someone still living with their parents unless there was a pretty persuasive reason (ex they were just in a housefire and it would cost 2 million dollars to move the medical equipment and they didn't have time to get a new (unburned apartment) before they needed a place to bring the equipment to, so they brought it to their parent's house.


But that relates more to finding people who are similar to me than it being a strict rule if I were lower-functioning.



I think you're better off talking at least some about your accomplishments and positives. Relationships are a little like commercials. People get interested by the positives, maybe don't share too many of your negatives until the second or third date.

 

[Jonn]

1. Financial security. Money will not make anyone happy, but it does reduce worry and stress when it comes to one's ability to live independently... transportation, a steady income, a roof over your head, food on the table, etc. We are all acutely aware of how expensive things are today. A woman who is thinking about a relationship with a man is more likely to be with them if he has the means to provide... is disciplined, accountable, and responsible.

Financial security is important unless you live in the land of fairy dust, rainbows and unicorns.
Many marriages fail due to financial concerns.

I suggest people prioritise wealth generation.
That kool car can wait.