How to avoid an old "friend" (bully) from the 70's

[Edward764]

I was quite active here from 2019, but have not posted since.

It has been a difficult six years as I lost both my parents and one of my jobs.

Last night I got a very unpleasant message on my phone.

It was from a pseudo friend who I knew from 1972 -1980.
I have not seen him in 45 years, and he is a most unpleasant memory.
He was an obnoxious bully who I never knew how get away from in my younger days.
He called for me to join him at an upcoming high school reunion. He lives about 250 miles away.

As an awkward uncoordinated fellow, with undiagnosed autism, high school was an awful experience that I do not wish to recall.
I was an easy target for bullies, and he was the worst over eight years.
What do I say to him when he calls again?
He was a very powerful person in the world of entertainment and politics.
My plan was to tell him that I just want to forget those days completely, but I made the mistake of venting to a friend who remembers him who actually wanted to talk to him.
I immediately deleted his number, but my other friend hopes I can find it.
Any suggestions on what to say to maximize the possibility he will just leave me alone.

 

[Judge]

I had such a "friend" back then, who morphed into a bully. And a really bad one at that.

Luckily in time the corrections department of the state of Arizona seemed to solve that problem.

He died in prison, having revoked his parole. - Good riddance.

 

[Edward764]

This fellow is well respected, very intelligent and powerful. My vulnerabilities brought out the worst in him, and many others.
He was friends with our high school counselor, so I could not get help there.

 

[Jumpinbare]

If he calls back, calmly tell him what you said - that you want to forget those days completely. Or, if you recognize the number when you see it, don't answer. If he leaves voicemail, still don't answer.

If you want to give your friend his number if you see it again, that's up to you.

 

[Outdated]

He called for me to join him at an upcoming high school reunion.

I was in the same situation about 10 years ago, my response was "Why would I want that? No thank you.".

 

[Edward764]

If he calls back, calmly tell him what you said - that you want to forget those days completely. Or, if you recognize the number when you see it, don't answer. If he leaves voicemail, still don't answer.

If you want to give your friend his number if you see it again, that's up to you.

This is my plan, although my friend caught me off guard by wanting to call him.
This means he will know that I am not completely honest by wanting to put those days behind me because I still have one contact from those days.
I found his number online, so I hope my friend will cooperate and tell him he was was the one that found his number online so he does not know we are friends and I can be left out of it.
I must let enough time pass so he does not make the connection with me.

 

[Hypnalis]

It sounds like you're making a simple thing complicated. But it's very unclear what's actually going on - I could be mistaken.

If you don't intend to attend the reunion, say so. Don't add any information to that.
In particular, you don't have to say why you're not attending.

People often choose to explain why they can't do something with friends they'd normally want to send time with, but that's not necessary with strangers.

Don't involve your friend in this.

FWIW, there's a whole protocol for making excuses of this kind. This is because a lot of rude people (and unpleasant people trying to get something from you) ask why you don't want to do something. In that case it's 100% OK to lie.

"I'm busy at that time" is sufficient. If they push once, just repeat it. After a second or third "why", you're allowed to push back, which can be entertaining if you like the game, but "I have a personal commitment" is sufficient.

 

[grommet]

I was quite active here from 2019, but have not posted since.

It has been a difficult six years as I lost both my parents and one of my jobs.

Last night I got a very unpleasant message on my phone.

It was from a pseudo friend who I knew from 1972 -1980.
I have not seen him in 45 years, and he is a most unpleasant memory.
He was an obnoxious bully who I never knew how get away from in my younger days.
He called for me to join him at an upcoming high school reunion. He lives about 250 miles away.

As an awkward uncoordinated fellow, with undiagnosed autism, high school was an awful experience that I do not wish to recall.
I was an easy target for bullies, and he was the worst over eight years.
What do I say to him when he calls again?
He was a very powerful person in the world of entertainment and politics.
My plan was to tell him that I just want to forget those days completely, but I made the mistake of venting to a friend who remembers him who actually wanted to talk to him.
I immediately deleted his number, but my other friend hopes I can find it.
Any suggestions on what to say to maximize the possibility he will just leave me alone.














.
.

There is something called "grey rock". You do not respond to anything he says or does. He gets nothing from you and eventually leaves you alone. The idea is being like a grey rock, something dull that people do not notice.

I had an ex girlfriend who started harassing me, calling me 40 times a day until I had to disconnect my phone from that wall for six months (it was before cell phones). After a few months I tried plugging my phone in and it instantly rang and it was her. Frightening. It only ended when I did not react, when I would not interact with her at all. Eventually she went away.

I hope it gets better for you. I am sorry about the bully. I am 57 and I am still afraid of a bully from high school. I had dreams about him until I was 30.

 

[Tom]

High School reunions are weird things. A gathering of people who may have not even liked each other X years later. Makes no sense and sometimes its just an opportunity for some to try and show off with 'Look how successful I am'. Your 'old friend' sounds like he may be that type and is just trying to round up a bigger audience to show off to. Pathetic. If it was me I would just stonewall with 'Sorry, not interested." And if asked why I'd say 'Sorry, just not interested.' And if pressed for more info I'd try a change up and say 'Not interested, sorry".

 

[Masked Man]

If he calls again you just say "No thanks." And then hang up.

Or if you have caller ID just don't pick up the phone.

I don't plan on attending any of my reunions and I don't feel bad about it either. I have nothing to say to anyone.

 

[MildredHubble]

Personally, when it comes to this sort of situation, I just pretend I have no recollection of who they are. Its quite funny to watch people like that desperately try to convince me I know them and that we were "friends". Another good solution is to just block the number and move on and forget all about them.

No contact is always the best policy when it comes to bullies, in my opinion. Unless you feel like it would do you good to invite them into your life again, I think they are best avoided with as little explanation as possible.

 

[stevens]

I was quite active here from 2019, but have not posted since.

It has been a difficult six years as I lost both my parents and one of my jobs.

Last night I got a very unpleasant message on my phone.

It was from a pseudo friend who I knew from 1972 -1980.
I have not seen him in 45 years, and he is a most unpleasant memory.
He was an obnoxious bully who I never knew how get away from in my younger days.
He called for me to join him at an upcoming high school reunion. He lives about 250 miles away.

As an awkward uncoordinated fellow, with undiagnosed autism, high school was an awful experience that I do not wish to recall.
I was an easy target for bullies, and he was the worst over eight years.
What do I say to him when he calls again?
He was a very powerful person in the world of entertainment and politics.
My plan was to tell him that I just want to forget those days completely, but I made the mistake of venting to a friend who remembers him who actually wanted to talk to him.
I immediately deleted his number, but my other friend hopes I can find it.
Any suggestions on what to say to maximize the possibility he will just leave me alone.

Edward, I am sorry about your parents passing, and about your jobs. My parents are gone too. It is a long adjustment process that might not really ever end.

Who knows that the man's motivation might be. In any case, I wouldn't play along anymore if you can avoid it. You don't have to answer any calls or messages from him. This is my answer to what you might say to him if he calls again. Perhaps it's nothing, because you don't answer. I also understand your fear of being caught in the middle, between your other friend and this caller.

Now, you could tell him you want to forget those days completely. There is a risk that he won't take you seriously, which would reinforce your alienation.

I've been out of high school longer than you. Fortunately, for whatever reason I am not locatable under my former high school name, so even if someone were to attempt to find me, they would encounter difficulties.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should work to avoid any sense of obligation or duty to respond. This is completely your choice, and you have good reasons for not wanting to.

 

[Jumpinbare]

High School reunions are weird things. A gathering of people who may have not even liked each other X years later. Makes no sense and sometimes its just an opportunity for some to try and show off with 'Look how successful I am'. Your 'old friend' sounds like he may be that type and is just trying to round up a bigger audience to show off to. Pathetic.

I might go to my 50th reunion (next year) just to observe. (Hm, that's what I did in high school. I pretty much stopped actually interacting with other students before high school).

There were actually friends from elementary school at my high school and I have lost touch with them (they don't seem to have a social media presence). Maybe some are still alive.

 

[tlc]

Never have had a reunion of any kind. It would have been 30 years for my class last year. Someone suggested a reunion, but there didn’t seem to be any interest. My dad saw it on FB (I’m not on it) so I sent the person a email saying I’m still around and what I’ve been up to. These days, anyone who wants to keep in touch already does.

 

[velociraptor]

What do I say to him when he calls again?

Block his number so he can't call you (or block calls from people not in your contact list). Don't engage. Tell your mutual friend you are bowing out for your own health and that is the end of it.

 

[gigi1919]

I was quite active here from 2019, but have not posted since.

It has been a difficult six years as I lost both my parents and one of my jobs.

Last night I got a very unpleasant message on my phone.

It was from a pseudo friend who I knew from 1972 -1980.
I have not seen him in 45 years, and he is a most unpleasant memory.
He was an obnoxious bully who I never knew how get away from in my younger days.
He called for me to join him at an upcoming high school reunion. He lives about 250 miles away.

As an awkward uncoordinated fellow, with undiagnosed autism, high school was an awful experience that I do not wish to recall.
I was an easy target for bullies, and he was the worst over eight years.
What do I say to him when he calls again?
He was a very powerful person in the world of entertainment and politics.
My plan was to tell him that I just want to forget those days completely, but I made the mistake of venting to a friend who remembers him who actually wanted to talk to him.
I immediately deleted his number, but my other friend hopes I can find it.
Any suggestions on what to say to maximize the possibility he will just leave me alone.

like others say: as few words as possible, as dry as possible, no emotion, no information such as "I want to forget those days" - that speaks too much. If he called or texted, I would probably say something blatant and distracting such as: "gee, I am pretty busy these days". Or "I'm in a different place now. " - no more details etc. no more explanations... that's at least my opinion.