How to appeal to neurodivergent women online?

[Judge]

For better or for worse the only issue I care about is getting into a romantic relationship

My own perspective for instance, being far removed from any sense of Neurotypical normalcy. That I came to the conclusion that the entire institution of "dating" just didn't work for me. Fraught with rituals that made no sense, and expectations I was unable to deal with. What amounted to me as a series of games to be played, more than a serious and sincere attempt to find love.

That I settled for friendship first and foremost, rather than focus on romance. Yet in a few rare instances, such friendships that had no stresses of dating, allowed me to be myself. More comfortable and relaxed with a friend than being a nervous wreck on a conventional "date".

And that in those rare instances, those friendships blossomed into long-term relationships. Without a need- or circumstances reflecting that we had much in common when we didn't.

Not many mind you, but it reflected the only real option I felt I had. Long before I discovered my own autism at the age of 55.

 

[thejuice]

My own perspective for instance, being far removed from any sense of Neurotypical normalcy. That I came to the conclusion that the entire institution of "dating" just didn't work for me. Fraught with rituals that made no sense, and expectations I was unable to deal with. What amounted to me as a series of games to be played, more than a serious and sincere attempt to find love.

That I settled for friendship first and foremost, rather than focus on romance. Yet in a few rare instances, such friendships that had no stresses of dating, allowed me to be myself. More comfortable and relaxed with a friend than being a nervous wreck on a conventional "date".

And that in those rare instances, those friendships blossomed into long-term relationships. Not many mind you, but it reflected the only real option I felt I had. Long before I discovered my own autism at the age of 55.

The courtship rituals put me off too. The waiting games, push and pull, the pretence, self publicity, the negotiations of availability, exhibition, the vulnerability you feel when being exposed to judgement on how you dress, what you do for work, your social skills etc. Dating is a pretty tough environment and I don't have the executive function for it.

 

[Judge]

That puts me off too. The waiting games, the pretence, self advertisement, the negotiations of availability, the vulnerability you feel when being exposed to judgement on how you dress, your work, your social skills etc. Dating is a pretty tough environment.

Exactly. It makes no sense at all.

Something full of joy and sincerity should not involve deceit and deception. I just could not deal with this kind of social ritual.

So I didn't.

 

[thejuice]

When someone behaves in a way that indicates disinterest or slightly pushes me away, I take it literally. I didn't get that so much of courtship is about plausible deniability. I kind of do now but I still would prefer direct communication and sincere behaviour, that kind of confidence is attractive to me.

 

[Judge]

When someone behaves in a way that pushes me away I take it literally. I didn't get that so much of courtship is about plausible deniability. I kind of do now but I still would prefer a straight shooter.

Since the age of nine I've always had this memory I have never been able to remove from my mind.

Late summer of 1965, while as a guest at a family friend's house. Their rather attractive teenage daughter Becky, who would systematically do the same thing each time their phone rang. That she'd charge down multiple flights of stairs to get to the bottom floor where there was a phone on the wall.

And once she got there, she'd just stand with a stupid grin on her face and let the phone ring over and over...maybe as many as eight times. Then she'd answer, with the probability of it being not a call to her parents or two brothers, but always some high school boy who wanted to ask her out. Fulfilling that time-honored role of playing "hard-to-get". When her voice was dripping with ambivalence while her face seemed to reflect something else. Really ?

This scenario left a terrible image in my heart and mind even as a child. And yet it amounted to a social cliché that was very much the norm at the time. Could have been a scene right out of the "Patty Duke Show".

 

[thejuice]

Yes and both participants do it and know the other is doing it.. doesn't it cancel it all out?

 

[thejuice]

That's it, the least interested party has the leverage, that's the bottom line. I've solved dating.

 

[thejuice]

"Love is a battlefield" indeed !!

 

[Judge]

That's it, the least interested party has the leverage, that's the bottom line. I've solved dating.

Sadly your response reminds me of another critical social interaction.

-A job interview.

Reminding me of someone I knew on the job in management who blithely stated that the best scenario for getting a job was to project that you didn't need it. Which might have sounded like an easy obstacle to overcome, but to my autistic mindset it was like climbing Mt. Everest.

 

[thejuice]

Sadly your response reminds me of another critical social interaction.

-A job interview.

Reminding me of someone I knew on the job in management who blithely stated that the best scenario for getting a job was to project that you didn't need it. Which might have sounded like an easy obstacle to overcome, but to my autistic mindset it was like climbing Mt. Everest.

How odd. Maybe that makes it seem you're not just trying to climb the greasy pole. It might signal experience and value.

My stumbling block for interviews was doing all the research, not being asked a thing about it and forgetting the social lubricant.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I hope I am not expecting too much from dating apps. The only thing I expect from them is to maybe meet potential dates. I am not really sure what I am good at. I just present myself, show pictures of myself. Say I am 39 male, from West Virginia and that I am looking for a relationship.

I try to move to in person dating (if possible) as soon as possible. I just let women know I am single, looking for a serious and long-term relationship. And that I hope to talk to and maybe date them someday.

Put yourself out their on this site, their is ladies on here that would be interested, THe more they know about you the more interest you may generate, The biggest obstacle will be distance. Even friendships on here are difficult do to distance.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I noticed some great younger ladies on here, hinting they are in market for a relationship. If you can read the signs maybe approach privately. May involve traveling a bit. Opportunities are present. I know talking to my wife of 46 years, being established and having potential prior to getting together matters. I was the only prior boyfriend, being the landlord had what she was looking for.

 

[BrianWV39]

Put yourself out their on this site, their is ladies on here that would be interested, THe more they know about you the more interest you may generate, The biggest obstacle will be distance. Even friendships on here are difficult do to distance.

Thanks, yeah, the distance part is the hardest part of trying to find someone online. I certainly have my concerns. To be fair for being someone who lives in and loves West Virginia I am not as isolated as I may sound. I live in kind of a suburban/rural area. But I live slightly less than an hour and a half from both Washington D.C. and Baltimore, Maryland. I live smack in between two other medium size cities that give a metro area of almost a quarter of a million people. NYC is about four and a half hours away, and I could be in Philadelphia in less than four hours. So, it is not like I am in some completely rural and isolated area. And I do drive.

With all of that said if I meet someone who is say more than a five hour drive it would no doubt have to be a long-distance relationship. All I can say about an actual long-distance relationship is I will take it on a case-by-case bases. I am not opposed of course, in fact I am quite open to something long distance, but it probably has to be within reason.

Both sides though would have to show a keen interest and commitment. I am probably far less demanding and clingy than I probably come across so an actual long distance relationship thing might actually work for me, but I would set some limits. For a good number of reasons, I would probably only consider a relationship with fellow Americans, bonus if they are at least on the Eastern third of the US where I live. Frankly there is more than enough population in this part of the country that I doubt I would have to search farther.

To be fair I would probably be open to a relationship with someone from the Canadian provinces of Ontario or Quebec. But I think people get a general idea. I am not really open to a relationship with someone living on a different continent or say 2,000 miles away.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Thanks, yeah, the distance part is the hardest part of trying to find someone online. I certainly have my concerns. To be fair for being someone who lives in and loves West Virginia I am not as isolated as I may sound. I live in kind of a suburban/rural area. But I live slightly less than an hour and a half from both Washington D.C. and Baltimore, Maryland. I live smack in between two other medium size cities that give a metro area of almost a quarter of a million people. NYC is about four and a half hours away, and I could be in Philadelphia in less than four hours. So, it is not like I am in some completely rural and isolated area. And I do drive.

With all of that said if I meet someone who is say more than a five hour drive it would no doubt have to be a long-distance relationship. All I can say about an actual long-distance relationship is I will take it on a case-by-case bases. I am not opposed of course, in fact I am quite open to something long distance, but it probably has to be within reason.

Both sides though would have to show a keen interest and commitment. I am probably far less demanding and clingy than I probably come across so an actual long distance relationship thing might actually work for me, but I would set some limits. For a good number of reasons, I would probably only consider a relationship with fellow Americans, bonus if they are at least on the Eastern third of the US where I live. Frankly there is more than enough population in this part of the country that I doubt I would have to search farther.

To be fair I would probably be open to a relationship with someone from the Canadian provinces of Ontario or Quebec. But I think people get a general idea. I am not really open to a relationship with someone living on a different continent or say 2,000 miles away.

You have the right attitude, Yes some Canadians on here mostly fellow guys, Women seem to be south of you. Ladies are more hesitant to state their motives makes sense until they get to know more about you.

 

[Hazel_1914]

Sadly your response reminds me of another critical social interaction.

-A job interview.

Reminding me of someone I knew on the job in management who blithely stated that the best scenario for getting a job was to project that you didn't need it. Which might have sounded like an easy obstacle to overcome, but to my autistic mindset it was like climbing Mt. Everest.

This is true. My boss couldn't get enough of me once he realized in the interview that I was a licensed truck driver and ready to hit the road.
Nope. I ended up next day on a press in the steel plant and have been working ever since.