How on earth will I find a spouse…

[Whattup]

Okay, so I'm almost 30, I've only ever dated 3 guys. One relationship/friendship was for 6 months or more. The others were shorter. I don't know where to meet guys, and what really bothers me is that I RARELY get asked out on dates. I don't know why.

Who here is getting uncomfortably old enough to start getting nervous as to if they will ever get married? Obviously, some people don't want to get married, that's fine, more power to you! But I do. And as I get older, more and more men that I would date are taken.

I admit, I don't go out a lot. A lot of my interests are introverted, single-person hobbies. Heck, I don't even know how to find hobbies, much less dates!

I'm not trying to say that a husband would "fulfill" me or "complete" me, I have other aspirations. But finding love is one of them. If anyone has any tips, or can just relate (either gender welcome!), please feel free to chime in. Thanks.

 

[daisychain]

Hey whattup -- as horrifying as it sounds, you might actually like some aspects of online dating. Many sites have events where members can meet other people their age (like hiking trips where at least you're active and are not just sitting across a table making small talk). Some people I know met their significant other through church or their religious affiliation. I give you credit for having had 3 relationships already -- every one helps you learn about yourself and what you like.

I hope this helped.

 

[The Penguin]

I had many people said to me let her find me. The problem is, it rare for a woman to ask a guy out.

I'm also a person that keeps to myself. However, things have changed when I started a business. I am meeting more people but don't see anyone that seems interested in me. Most settings I'm attend people are already taken.

But if I can tell you my history of dating, I found I rushed into relationships to fast. I use to push to find someone right away after the relationship ended. Now I have been single for 2 to 3 years. I decided I'm not rushing into relationships anymore as I been though enough heart break. My focus on my life is making a good income as I'm sick of living in poverty. If I manage to find anyone likes a penguin, that a bonus.

 

[The Penguin]

you might actually like some aspects of online dating

Though be careful of online dating. I as almost a victim of Nigerian scams. However, I also had some good relationships online too. One person I dated for 8 years. We did meet in person but only 4 times.

 

[Maelstrom]

Okay, so I'm almost 30, I've only ever dated 3 guys. One relationship/friendship was for 6 months or more. The others were shorter. I don't know where to meet guys, and what really bothers me is that I RARELY get asked out on dates. I don't know why.

Who here is getting uncomfortably old enough to start getting nervous as to if they will ever get married? Obviously, some people don't want to get married, that's fine, more power to you! But I do. And as I get older, more and more men that I would date are taken.

I admit, I don't go out a lot. A lot of my interests are introverted, single-person hobbies. Heck, I don't even know how to find hobbies, much less dates!

I'm not trying to say that a husband would "fulfill" me or "complete" me, I have other aspirations. But finding love is one of them. If anyone has any tips, or can just relate (either gender welcome!), please feel free to chime in. Thanks.

Hi (Whattup), yes I'm in the same boat it's rather depressing starting to hear the clock ticking, almost got engaged a year ago Ex- girlfriends family ruined it. Tried chatting up aspies girls here but am feeling poor about it presently, I had my fingers nearly taken off the other day for no reason I can see. I'm down to Okcupid, a add in the local paper or maybe a russian girl. The russian thing sounds lame, but one of my friends did that and his russianwife is the sweetest little thing ever, and they have a new little baby and seem very happy. Best wishes good luck Mael

 

[Randomperson]

Okay, so I'm almost 30, I've only ever dated 3 guys. One relationship/friendship was for 6 months or more. The others were shorter. I don't know where to meet guys, and what really bothers me is that I RARELY get asked out on dates. I don't know why.

Who here is getting uncomfortably old enough to start getting nervous as to if they will ever get married? Obviously, some people don't want to get married, that's fine, more power to you! But I do. And as I get older, more and more men that I would date are taken.

I admit, I don't go out a lot. A lot of my interests are introverted, single-person hobbies. Heck, I don't even know how to find hobbies, much less dates!

I'm not trying to say that a husband would "fulfill" me or "complete" me, I have other aspirations. But finding love is one of them. If anyone has any tips, or can just relate (either gender welcome!), please feel free to chime in. Thanks.

I can relate, I did not have my first friend until this year and I am 35, still have not been out on a date with anyone either. I would like to but it probably will never happen since I do not understand how people interact in that manner, apparently you are just supposed to know how to flirt and interact with other human beings from birth.

 

[King_Oni]

First; I've seen people get married way, way past their 30's

Second; yeah... I guess I don't understand why people need to get married, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't mind getting together with someone. Chances are if marriage is the topic I'll pack my stuff and leave running, lol.

But considering I've dated before (with reasonable success I suppose) and met partners either by going out or online. If you're already aware that you're not going out a lot it might be a thing to change. I'm well aware it's not for everyone, let's be realistic... if you don't make yourself noticed, chances are you won't run into anyone at all, let alone someone who might be interested and interesting.

I don't have a lot (if any) hobbies that involve other people and they're single-person hobbies as well, yet for some reason even with those people seem to be interested if they ask me what I'm into. So I would assume that I manage to present it in a more interesting way that sparks peoples curiosity.

Point is, if you want to find someone (or someone find you) be interesting. Ask yourself why someone would even want to date you. What would you add to someones life? And more importantly, is that something people would care to be interested in?

Yes, it's hard, but sitting around being a boring titmouse (so to speak) hasn't been proven to be a formula to success for anyone I reckon

 

[Harrison]

Okay, so I'm almost 30, I've only ever dated 3 guys. One relationship/friendship was for 6 months or more. The others were shorter. I don't know where to meet guys, and what really bothers me is that I RARELY get asked out on dates. I don't know why.

Who here is getting uncomfortably old enough to start getting nervous as to if they will ever get married? Obviously, some people don't want to get married, that's fine, more power to you! But I do. And as I get older, more and more men that I would date are taken.

I admit, I don't go out a lot. A lot of my interests are introverted, single-person hobbies. Heck, I don't even know how to find hobbies, much less dates!

I'm not trying to say that a husband would "fulfill" me or "complete" me, I have other aspirations. But finding love is one of them. If anyone has any tips, or can just relate (either gender welcome!), please feel free to chime in. Thanks.

I hit 61 this year and I've just found someone who wants to share the rest of the journey.

It's never 'too late'

 

[Suzanne]

Hi whattup

This is in no way to rub it in, but I am an aspie who is married to an nt and I actually have grown up in my marriage. What I have learned is that it is a two way street ie give and take, which is not easy for an aspie and I imagine had my husband been an aspie too, it would still pose problems, because then we would both hate the other having ideas lol.

But anyway, this is not answering your question. It is often said: seek and you shall find, but actually, in the case of finding mr or mrs right, it is the opposite. Because you see, when you are seeking, one has a sort of desperation about them, that is off putting to the opposite sex, unless the person is attracted to a desperate person

I know a few who married in the 30's, 40's and 50's and no doubt, later still! So do not give up, because it will happen.

Because you do want to be married, now is a good time as any to look at yourself and figure what you can give to your future partner, rather than what your partner can give you. Because that is marriage: thinking of each other and I tell you, I have failed many times, but obviously got a long suffering husband lol

When I was 30, I had a hard time grasping that I was an adult! I am now 45 and just about grasping that I am an adult

There are many male aspies here who would love to date and marry, so why not get to know them

 

[Maelstrom]

"Randomperson, post: 191179, member: 11525"]I can relate, I did not have my first friend until this year and I am 35, still have not been out on a date with anyone either. I would like to but it probably will never happen since I do not understand how people interact in that manner, apparently you are just supposed to know how to flirt and interact with other human beings from birth.

Hi (Ranomperson), Have been there too am still struggling with that stuff. I go to the university on dating Youtube and hope some of the stuff I watch actually sticks when I'm in front of a real live breathing Girl...Oh cr..p!

 

[Slothra]

I, too, have been looking for love for some time. Not as long as most, but just long enough for it to begin to feel hopeless. I've met a lot of people, though, just by following my interests and putting myself out there, no matter how bad an idea I thought that was. If you have a hobby, be it gaming, model-building, history, entomology, etc, find a group for it. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am, you now have a whole bunch of people who share your interest - Build off that.

I've also fallen for the trap of trying too hard to please people who I view as prospective "significant otters" (I'm addicted to that phrase, send help) which is a horrible habit to get into. Let me tell you, from experience, the most important thing is to be yourself, put yourself in situations where you can meet others who share one of your interests, and let it flow as best you can.

 

[Thesaurusrex]

Point is, if you want to find someone (or someone find you) be interesting. Ask yourself why someone would even want to date you. What would you add to someones life? And more importantly, is that something people would care to be interested in?

This is such perfect advice. I've noticed it seems to (bizzarely) be something people (both ASD and NT) fail to consider when longing for a relationship, whether romantic or not.

Okay, so I'm almost 30, I've only ever dated 3 guys. One relationship/friendship was for 6 months or more. The others were shorter. I don't know where to meet guys, and what really bothers me is that I RARELY get asked out on dates. I don't know why.

Who here is getting uncomfortably old enough to start getting nervous as to if they will ever get married? Obviously, some people don't want to get married, that's fine, more power to you! But I do. And as I get older, more and more men that I would date are taken.

I admit, I don't go out a lot. A lot of my interests are introverted, single-person hobbies. Heck, I don't even know how to find hobbies, much less dates!

I'm not trying to say that a husband would "fulfill" me or "complete" me, I have other aspirations. But finding love is one of them. If anyone has any tips, or can just relate (either gender welcome!), please feel free to chime in. Thanks.

Keep King_Oni's advice in mind, and assess what it is that could make you interesting or a positive addition to another person's life. Your best option may be online dating, as it is for many on the spectrum. It can be a minefield to navigate, but when it does pay off, it can pay off well. My partner and I met on a local site, we corresponded as friends for months before he asked me out, and then he patiently waited the two more months it took for me to be comfortable with going on said date! lol. We each have our own interests, and now that we have been together for some time, we are both comfortable taking part in those, but also find things to do together (especially important to do so early on in the relationship!) - even if it is just watching a few episodes of a show on the couch.

Your interests and hobbies may be introverted, but are you particularly passionate about any of them? Although they may be single-person, you may enjoy sharing common interests and discussing them with someone who enjoys similar things, or even just enjoying them while in the same vicinity of another person, who also enjoys doing their own thing.

 

[Maelstrom]

"Thesaurusrex, post: 191659, member: 2077"]This is such perfect advice. I've noticed it seems to (bizzarely) be something people (both ASD and NT) fail to consider when longing for a relationship, whether romantic or not.



Keep King_Oni's advice in mind, and assess what it is that could make you interesting or a positive addition to another person's life. Your best option may be online dating, as it is for many on the spectrum. It can be a minefield to navigate, but when it does pay off, it can pay off well. My partner and I met on a local site, we corresponded as friends for months before he asked me out, and then he patiently waited the two more months it took for me to be comfortable with going on said date! lol. We each have our own interests, and now that we have been together for some time, we are both comfortable taking part in those, but also find things to do together (especially important to do so early on in the relationship!) - even if it is just watching a few episodes of a show on the couch.

Your interests and hobbies may be introverted, but are you particularly passionate about any of them? Although they may be single-person, you may enjoy sharing common interests and discussing them with someone who enjoys similar things, or even just enjoying them while in the same vicinity of another person, who also enjoys doing their own thing.

Well one thing I've noticed is just how hard girls make it for a guy to approach them. I had some girls at a social the other night they did the drive by to check me out during the program, but they hid afterwards at a full table with their backs to me. I stayed standing in the with others all they had to do was get up and walk by me and I would have chatted them up. A simple smile or Hi opens doors instantly, but if you spend all you time hiding looking scared or unfriendly what do you expect me to do. I'm going to walk over to the most friendly looking girl and ask her out. Asking out some one is scary, and getting shot down doesn't feel good, try it some time girls, you'll see why we go for the more friendly girls every time, rejection is no fun, we naturally try to avoid it when possible.

 

[Thesaurusrex]

Maelstrom I can't offer any advice on how to deal with those situations, NT girls travel in packs for some unfathomable reason. Approaching someone who looks friendly is undoubtedly easier, but you may be missing out when you pass up approaching a girl who looks anything other than. I'm sure plenty of Aspie girls - myself included - can appear anything but friendly, especially when social environments can be so overwhelming (and scary!).

And remember - you don't have to ask somebody out or attempt to hit on them right away. Best relationships begin as friendships! Anyway, good luck!

 

[Maelstrom]

"Thesaurusrex, post: 191715, member: 2077"]Maelstrom I can't offer any advice on how to deal with those situations, NT girls travel in packs for some unfathomable reason. Approaching someone who looks friendly is undoubtedly easier, but you may be missing out when you pass up approaching a girl who looks anything other than. I'm sure plenty of Aspie girls - myself included - can appear anything but friendly, especially when social environments can be so overwhelming (and scary!).

And remember - you don't have to ask somebody out or attempt to hit on them right away. Best relationships begin as friendships! Anyway, good luck!

I do agree with you but it is sometimes hard to even get a hello in. There is a lovely girl in collage at my church and her mom is like a angel from heaven. But she literally runs past me in the hallways and hides behind people I have no reason to think she dislikes me, she's just so busy being shy I can't even chat her up about school or anything. No I don't ask girls out on the first chat, I'm looking for a match not a warm body for saturday night. But it is hard to get a feel for that connection thing if you can't get more than three words out of her. I will think on what you said about aspie girls, you maybe right, I passed on a nice girl with a nice family she was lovely but I felt like I was standing next to a block of ice. Maybe if I had tried harder she would have been more friendly, I'd hate to think I didn't give her a fair chance. Measuring people is so hard, it is easy to be too cautious sometimes.

 

[Kirsty]

Maybe joining a 'meet up' group which you can sign up for online will help you a lot in finding your match. It's well worth joining to start new hobbies and meet new people...I promise, it's worth it. I have only been to one group so far myself - just a small drawing group that met up in Starbucks. It was had for me to be comfortable socialising at first.

 

[Greg]

It was not until I was 36 that I got married. I had pretty much reached my limit with the dating scene because of all the different situations that I was running into. I happened to meet my wife at a choir concert for my daughter and then it just went from there. We totally were not looking for each other and we met at random. It is never too late.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I went shopping at college. While my technological interests are both solo and highly isolating, learning about some points in a social setting with nerdy and geeky guys of similar interests made for a good hunting ground. I did strike out on the social versions of other interests, but it was still nice to look.

 

[MyFutureSelfnMe]

You're in both an advantageous and disadvantageous position.

+ when you do find someone, at your age it's more likely to last and be a sane relationship

- you'll be looking at a lot of cheating spouses and divorcees. Steer clear of the former, bearing in mind that as an aspie you might miss signs. The latter is a crap shoot but then dating is anyway.

- some of the insanity you've missed is useful for dealing with future situations.

All in all, you're not in a bad position.

Good luck.