I am on disability now.
I used to work in retail, I did it for about 10 years. I did different things there from being a clerk, merchandising, resets, and orderwriting. At one point I was told by my coworkers that I was a better manager than my manager. I did get very stressed out sometimes, but I worked hard and so they put up with my quirks, telling me to take extra breaks, to work in the back when I couldn't deal with the people, adjusting schedules to avoid people who got on my nerves, etc. But when I got into orderwriting, it involved emailing buyers and talking to managers and getting them to turn in reports. I was good at the rest of it, but that part was stressful for me, I didn't know why. By then I was living on my own and had to take the bus to and from work, this was a total of two hours everyday and so I decided to change to a location closer to me. It was like a culture shock there. The people were so different they didn't care about their jobs at all, and at the old store there were a few students who were from the local art college and some "geeky" people who were fun to talk to. The people there got my jokes and stuff. The new store there was none of that. I started to get anxiety cause I couldn't get anyone to follow through on any of the reports I needed them to do so I could do my job. But since they had been doing everything wrong at that store in regards to the reports, my coming there had given them a boost, so they changed me to another department, still orderwriting, but only for that department. But the manager of that department, was very intense. I always felt like she was yelling at me. She would tell me to lie to corporate about the numbers on my reports, then would later in the day act like she never told me that, and imply that if someone came in to check up on us, i was going to be in trouble. She would say sometimes, let me know if you need help and I will have so-and-so help you, then ten minutes later say she never said that, and yell at me saying, I can't just take my people what they are doing to help you, everytime you fall behind. I think over time she just broke me down. I had always felt depressed and anxious, and suicidal. But I found myself constantly whispering over and over that I wanted to die, so I asked to transfer to another department. At first it was great, but then the people that I had made friends with started seperating from me, and that felt bad, and I started to get paranoid. The job started feeling hard, the people I worked with started picking apart the way I did things, saying it took to long, but to me it made the most sense. The job started feeling harder and harder, and I had alot of time to myself to think, and the bad thoughts wouldn't stop, I started feeling like I couldn't go into work. I was honest with my boss, telling him that I couldn't come in because of the anxiety. And he was very sympathetic and told me it was ok. But my co-workers didn't appreciate it, and my ex-friends started harassing me. The boss gave me an easier job in the same department. I loved it at first, I liked organizing and merchandising, and I was very methodical about it. But after awhile that started to feel hard too. So he gave me an easier job, which for the most part involved me sitting in an office printing out tags for the shelf. It was nice cause I didn't have to deal with people and especially not my ex-friends. But even that started to feel hard. I couldn't understand why even with easier jobs it felt so hard. I felt as though I was running in water, no matter hard I tried, I didn't get very far. Then one morning I started hearing voices and it freaked me out. I went to the doctor and he said I had dissociative disorder. I ended up asking for the form for short term disability. I would have had 3 months with pay for how long I had worked there, and my doctor said he would sign it, but he wanted me to tell him when I felt safe to come back, he said I couldn't put myself back into a situation where I felt unsafe, but I couldn't give him a date, so he signed it, but told me to fill in the date myself. But the disability was denied because the handwriting didn't match and they wanted me back the following monday. I was freaking out, I called my boss and told him that I felt i couldn't come in. He told me to call him when I was ready. Then one day I got a call from his boss saying she needed to know when I was going to be back. I said I didn't know, and if she needed an answer right then, I would say that I just couldn't. So I don't know if I was fired or if I quit. I went back in one day to say goodbye to the people that I thought would care, and I cried so hard. I had worked so hard just to throw it all away. The first friend I made there, I had sent her a message explaining why so she didn't worry. She said I was lazy and that I came in every month with a new diagnosis and she was tired of my sad stories and she wished I would just get over it.
I do really good in interviews. Usually toward the beginning of the interview I say "sorry, I'm a little nervous" this explains any fidgeting or stuttering. I smile and I have a soft voice which makes me seem friendly. I have found for me, when starting a new job, I do great at it at first. People will say wow you are catching on to this faster than most do. But in the beginning you are expected to make mistakes cause you are still learning. After awhile I start feeling more pressure, it gets to a point where they start saying you should be getting this by now.
I have thought about trying to get a job, but then I think these people are counting on me to do what I say I can do, what if I can't, then I am letting them down. I have tried to take classes at the community college here, but I get real bad anxiety. I can't explain why my reasoning behind it, but I just feel like I can't be there, or I can't go. I did manage to finish a poetry class, but every other class I didn't finish.
