How easily do you express affection to family and friends?

[Effy]

It's like a chore, and it exhausts me as much as a chore does. I don't understand why or how people like to talk constantly about pointless things. I connect with others intellectually, and so many conversations are based on their emotions and asking how people feel about things. Like, really? How do I feel? They shouldn't ask, because it takes everything I have to NOT answer with something they don't want to hear. My family is emotional and finds comfort and solace in large numbers. They're very into connecting and connection with family and each other, and I despise it, because I'm bored. It bores me, and I don't crave that connection with them, especially when they're failing to acknowledge my Asperger Syndrome.

"Love" is something I don't quite understand. They tell me I'm loved, always will be loved, etc., yet they continue to not be so nice about my mental illnesses... how is that even love? There's also the whole emotions thing.

It just doesn't work for me. It feels like I'm getting teeth pulled when they try to pull me in and "connect" with me through gossip and talk of work and how I need to be like my cousin, who is 'normal'. I would rather have personal time 90% of the time. I express affection by doing things that are convenient to me at the time that will also help them, such as doing the dishes so they don't have to. It's logical, because it's convenient for me, and they won't have to do it.

Pets, on the other hand, such as cats, I can take. I give affection the same way a cat does: love me, don't love me, love me, LEAVE ME ALONE, love me, i'm serious - i want love! DON'T TOUCH ME.

Yes, that is definitely me. I'm a cat.

 

[Anon88]

It's like a chore, and it exhausts me as much as a chore does. I don't understand why or how people like to talk constantly about pointless things. I connect with others intellectually, and so many conversations are based on their emotions and asking how people feel about things. Like, really? How do I feel? They shouldn't ask, because it takes everything I have to NOT answer with something they don't want to hear. My family is emotional and finds comfort and solace in large numbers. They're very into connecting and connection with family and each other, and I despise it, because I'm bored. It bores me, and I don't crave that connection with them, especially when they're failing to acknowledge my Asperger Syndrome.

"Love" is something I don't quite understand. They tell me I'm loved, always will be loved, etc., yet they continue to not be so nice about my mental illnesses... how is that even love? There's also the whole emotions thing.

It just doesn't work for me. It feels like I'm getting teeth pulled when they try to pull me in and "connect" with me through gossip and talk of work and how I need to be like my cousin, who is 'normal'. I would rather have personal time 90% of the time. I express affection by doing things that are convenient to me at the time that will also help them, such as doing the dishes so they don't have to. It's logical, because it's convenient for me, and they won't have to do it.

Pets, on the other hand, such as cats, I can take. I give affection the same way a cat does: love me, don't love me, love me, LEAVE ME ALONE, love me, i'm serious - i want love! DON'T TOUCH ME.

Yes, that is definitely me. I'm a cat.

Yeah the whole emotional connection thing is totally lost on me. Especially since I think it's BS sometimes with a lot of ppl. I feel like ppl say they love you or they're proud of you just to say it sometimes. Because when the chips are down I can't depend on even half of those ppl to support me through anything. And yet I'm supposed to sit through boring ass family gatherings that I could care less about and talk about pointless stuff. My mom just called me to gossip like 30 minutes ago about absolutely nothing. I couldn't wait to get off the phone. I've always been more logical. Like you said, I do the dishes so others won't have to and things like that. But wasting my breath and words on ppl when I know it won't matter in the end seems stupid to me. I feel like sometimes ppl try to have these supposedly heartfelt talks with us to avoid really having to understand us. You're going to sit there and tell me all these nice things about myself but under the surface really not give a damn about who I am as a person and try to understand why I'm different and why I should be accepted regardless. Get the hell out of my face.

 

[Effy]

Yeah the whole emotional connection thing is totally lost on me. Especially since I think it's BS sometimes with a lot of ppl. I feel like ppl say they love you or they're proud of you just to say it sometimes. Because when the chips are down I can't depend on even half of those ppl to support me through anything. And yet I'm supposed to sit through boring ass family gatherings that I could care less about and talk about pointless stuff. My mom just called me to gossip like 30 minutes ago about absolutely nothing. I couldn't wait to get off the phone. I've always been more logical. Like you said, I do the dishes so others won't have to and things like that. But wasting my breath and words on ppl when I know it won't matter in the end seems stupid to me. I feel like sometimes ppl try to have these supposedly heartfelt talks with us to avoid really having to understand us. You're going to sit there and tell me all these nice things about myself but under the surface really not give a damn about who I am as a person and try to understand why I'm different and why I should be accepted regardless. Get the hell out of my face.

Exactly! They expect me to respect them when there is so much more disrespecting they're doing to me. :| And then they get upset that I'm 'not accepting help'... What? I don't want to listen to your 'help' that is you explaining to me my 'abnormalities'? I don't want to discuss feelings?

Ugh. The whole emotional thing is annoying, especially since so many of their disappointments happen because they make decisions based on emotion and whatnot. They really put their heart and soul into how a person feels about something, and they're appalled when I can't care less.

 

[Anon88]

Exactly! They expect me to respect them when there is so much more disrespecting they're doing to me. :| And then they get upset that I'm 'not accepting help'... What? I don't want to listen to your 'help' that is you explaining to me my 'abnormalities'? I don't want to discuss feelings?

Ugh. The whole emotional thing is annoying, especially since so many of their disappointments happen because they make decisions based on emotion and whatnot. They really put their heart and soul into how a person feels about something, and they're appalled when I can't care less.

Exactly. I really don't appreciate when ppl expect you to accept THEIR version of 'help'. It's like, ok I've told you what I need, and the kind of help I need but that just gets pushed aside because your way of helping me is better? How do you figure that? Maybe if they spent more time trying to understand us everything wouldn't seem like such a foreign concept. I generally don't like dealing with emotional situations unless I feel like someone is really going out of their way to try and understand me. Other than that, keep the emotional garbage away from me.

 

[Effy]

Yes! They also have the idea that if they give me numbers and addresses to support groups and I go THERE for help that all will be fixed. Like, what even is that logic? To me, it's them saying, "Here, do this instead. I don't want to deal with it."


They need to understand we're not wired the same way.

 

[Anon88]

Yes! They also have the idea that if they give me numbers and addresses to support groups and I go THERE for help that all will be fixed. Like, what even is that logic? To me, it's them saying, "Here, do this instead. I don't want to deal with it."


They need to understand we're not wired the same way.

Yeah it seems like a lot of ppl tend to have that same "here's a problem, here's a solution" type of mentality. Like we're some equation that needs to be solved so that they can turn in their homework and be done with it.

 

[Effy]

Yeah it seems like a lot of ppl tend to have that same "here's a problem, here's a solution" type of mentality. Like we're some equation that needs to be solved so that they can turn in their homework and be done with it.

If only they knew how hurtful it is.

 

[Anon88]

If only they knew how hurtful it is.

I wake up kinda sad on most days thinking about how no one I know has ever really tried to understand me and the ones who claimed they would try made no effort from what I saw. I told my friend about my aspergers a few weeks ago. He acted like he cared and that he would try to understand but here it is weeks later and I still haven't seen any effort. It's not like I'm asking for you to get it 100% in a short time but at least make an effort you know. Ppl act like it's such a burden to try and understand us. So imagine how we feel having to live this way. But we're expected to be weighted down with their lame ass stories when they're feeling down. I don't think so.

 

[Hidden]

Does anyone really hate hugging their parents? My mum is really angry at me, because I refuse to hug her. And when she insists on it I just stand there rigidly. I don't really know why; all I know is I don't like hugging most people, and especially not her. I love her, as you know, she's my mother. She helps me with a lot of things, and often goes out of her way for me. But I can't hug her.
Is this normal? I would have thought if there was anyone that I would hug it would be my mother.

 

[King_Oni]

Does anyone really hate hugging their parents? My mum is really angry at me, because I refuse to hug her. And when she insists on it I just stand there rigidly. I don't really know why; all I know is I don't like hugging most people, and especially not her. I love her, as you know, she's my mother. She helps me with a lot of things, and often goes out of her way for me. But I can't hug her.
Is this normal? I would have thought if there was anyone that I would hug it would be my mother.

I wouldn't even know why parents would want to hug. But perhaps my parents are weird with that as well, lol.

The best my parents do is a handshake for a birthday... that's all the physical affection they have with me (or I with them).

So the entire hugging my mom (or my dad for that matter) seems like a strange concept at all for me.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I don't like hugs...but I need them. Does that make any sense?

With strangers, I'm okay either way. In fact, sometimes if I initiate a hug with a stranger, I can temporarily convince myself that I'm a little bit "normal", lol.

There are some people at church I'd rather keep clear of...they wear perfume or their hugs just don't feel "safe" (not dangerous, but not comfortable, does that make sense?). Other people at church...I feel rejected and isolated if I don't get a hug from them. Their opinion of me matters a great deal to me, like a lifeline, to believe they care about me and accept me because not many people really do. These are the people who know my situation.

Family members besides my husband and kids...I tense up when I know I have to hug them, and none of them knows about what I'm dealing with right now, so they tend to get offended that I don't want to hug them. That makes me even more tense, like I'm hugging just to "make" them feel better, which feels really codependent to me.

I love hugging my sons. My girls tend to "caress" me and that just feels icky, but I do love them and want to show it. It's more complicated with my DH, though. Some days, I'm all about hugs and touching with him, some days I just don't want to be touched, and some days I'm dealing with some level of flashbacks/body memories and can't stand the idea of him touching me.

This is very complex issue for me, lol...sorry.

 

[Judge]

This is very complex issue for me, lol...sorry.

True, but where else can you explain yourself and most if not all of us understand exactly what you are saying? Nothing to apologize for.

 

[Speedy 246]

The problem I have is showing too much affection I tend to be great at that but since I have a strong love for cute girls at my school. I would do things like wink, or raise my eyebrows, and smirk at them. And I noticed that sometimes it caused a positive feed back response but other times the complete opposite reaction would happen, but if I wanted to have a conversation with them I tend to talk about inappropriate things due to my assumption that it would make a girl think I knew all about how to pleasure her if we ever had a everlasting relationship.

 

[Rob]

The problem I have is showing too much affection I tend to be great at that but since I have a strong love for cute girls at my school. I would do things like wink, or raise my eyebrows, and smirk at them. And I noticed that sometimes it caused a positive feed back response but other times the complete opposite reaction would happen, but if I wanted to have a conversation with them I tend to talk about inappropriate things due to my assumption that it would make a girl think I knew all about how to pleasure her if we ever had a everlasting relationship.

I remember my high school days with a lot of mixed emotions. Academically I had the highest scores in almost all the classes but when it came to relationships I was perfectly AWKWARD. I had so much trouble relating to girls that I basically avoided any relationships at all. Only when I was asked an academic question I answered a lot of students, including girls. However I felt good helping others. One of my "smart" group was a girl. I had a lot of fun conversations with her during class, and we enjoyed discussing physics and chemistry class material and homework. She was a fun personality, and broke up the monotony of the mechanical environment that these classes can have. Others in my group frequently made jesting comments to her but she basically brushed them off as she was fairly self-confident.

Outside class, members of my "smart" group played outdoor ball hockey in the winter. As awkward as I was I managed to score the rare goal. Though I HATED sports because of my lack of coordination my peers still wanted me to join them in their sports. In that way I felt needed and welcome. I had no idea I was on the autism spectrum back then.

 

[Vinca]

Apart from a hug hello/goodbye or if a person is upset and a hug would be appropriate, I don't find it easy to express affection with family and friends, verbally or physically.

I find the expression of physical affection confusing. How am I supposed to know how, when or where to make contact with another person and how long for? My body learnt how to walk, write and ride a bike but it has never aquired the skill of expressing affection through pysical contact.

 

[On the Inside]

Physical expressions, beyond hugs goodbye, are not easy nor automatic, but I can train myself. It does feel mechanized to me, because I use certain "events" such as opening a car door for my partner, as a cue to give a quick kiss.

Verbal expressions of affection are really hard, and I can hear how wooden and stiff my voice is when I am speaking. I know it is coming across as insincere.

 

[apsie]

Untill very recently, I don't recall I ever expressed affection really, not in the way I did these past few days.
I just got back from a 3 day retreat with my recently discovered sister.
I'm learning entirely new things about myself, all very intensive and overwhelming but totally worth it.
We hugged, cuddled, stroked, touched and talked for hours on end, and it all felt natural, nothing forced.
First time ever. Life just changed.

 

[JennieK]

I've never liked hugs. When people hugged me when I was a child it usually angered me. It felt I was forced or had no choice. I think I froze up. My mother kissed me on the mouth and it disgusted me, but somehow, I was never able to say anything about it.

As an adult, I've been able to learn to tolerate them. Surprisingly, there've been times when acquaintances gave me a really tight hug and I actually liked it or needed it, in the moment.

I still struggle to "like" or "enjoy" hugs from my husband. I'm think I'll probably never truly like them. But I allow them and I do hug him back. It does feel forced but that's the best I've got.

 

[Wooaspie]

This is extremely difficult for me. I feel extremely awkward when family members say I love you. I feel so phony when I try to express affection, especially when it's the common expected response. I feel like making a deal with all my family and friends, something like; let's just agree that everyone loves everyone, we'll all miss each other, and we're all proud of each other. This way it doesn't have to be said over and over. Sometimes I get the feeling they say it for themselves, so they feel good that they said those things. I don't think they take into account how the other person feels about hearing those things.

"those with the highest virtue, do not act virtuously, those who act virtuously, lack virtue." ~ Lao Tzu

 

[Progster]

I have great difficulty expressing emotion to other people and would never show emotion to family and friends through physical contact (hugging, etc.). When I was a child, it upset my parents that I didn't want to hug them and didn't show much affection if any, but I didn't realise it at the time. Sometimes my mum says to me that she loves me, and that feels so awkward, and I can't say it back. I appreciate people, but don't feel any feeling of affection or any other emotion towards them, if that makes any sense, hugging and kissing doesn't mean anything to me emotionally. I like to show my appreciation of people in a practical rather than physical way, by helping them or doing things for them.