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How do you know if your friends are really your friends?

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Dwoops, Mar 4, 2018.

  1. Dwoops

    Dwoops Active Member

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    As the title says, I’m curious to know how to figure out if your “friends” are really your friends.
    I would hesitate to call most people I know friends even though I converse and do stuff with them. I would call a friend someone who I have a close relationship with a friend, someone who would have my back if i needed help. Those are not the friends I’m talking about, for the sake of clarity I’ll call them T-friends.
    What I’m talking about are the people who you might see on a regular basis and do stuff with, such as play games, eat with, etc. I’m in college, depending on your place in life you may do things differently. Anyways, these “friends” I can never know what their true motives are, with a T-friend you can mostly tell because they seem to care about you and bother you when you don’t want to be bothered(<-joke). With a “friend” though, I can never tell what they think or why they do things.
    For example, and what prompted me to write this article, was that I asked my my roommate, who I would label as a “friend” not a T-friend, and some of my other “friends” from down the hall if they wanted to play a board game or something, I couldn’t really interpret what they thought, but they said sure and we played a good game of catan. Afterwards we split up to get back to studying (supposedly). About 3 hours later my roommate leaves, and I don’t think anything of it. About an hour and a half after that I leave to use the rest room down the hall and I hear them all talking and playing games in one of the other’s rooms, not a single word was said to me, and i got the feeling that this wasn’t the first time I have been left out without my knowledge.
    This has gotten me thinking about what I really mean to these people, they act polite and friendly as far as I can tell when I am around them, but they don’t seem to care to invite me. And I know it wasn’t that they thought I was busy as my roommate knew I wasn’t busy and the others could have at least asked.
    Saying this has reminded me that this isn’t the only time in my life where I have run into this. All of high school the only people who I could call “friends” were two people who I met and found out we had similar interests. So we had LAN parties playing video games, hung out a decent amount, etc. But when it came down to it I realize that I was always the one to initiate it, they never asked me to do stuff and would frequently claim to be busy when I asked them if they wanted to do stuff. Me being an idiot never caught on until about a year and a half ago and just ended all conversation with them. Now to be honest, I don’t think that either of them ever initiated a conversation with me even though they seemed like my only “friends.”
    So this brings me back to how do I tell if someone is a friend or is just using me to have a good time. I feel like I have to start every social interaction, which is really hard, and then I get ignored in every other context. This sort of thing makes me truly realize how alone I am.
    Thanks for reading my rant, I have so much more I could say but I think it is long enough as is.
     
  2. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    I think if you're autistic just don't expect to have friends, they may be friendly but not friends we are viewed as a burden an irritant .
     
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  3. Jane Smith

    Jane Smith Well-Known Member

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    I have a pretty loose term for friends. If I see them more than once and we're nice to each other....then we're pals!

    But I am also talkative and am a people-person. So, I guess that might be why.

    But I disagree with Streetwise. I have a lot of Aspie friends that I like very much! Yes, there are jerks who will ditch you. But, that's not everybody!
     
  4. Dan Dan

    Dan Dan Im a dog person!

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    Throughout my life ive only ever really had one or two freinds an one time. They're forever changing as i go through different chapters of my life. For example as a young teen i was bad. I took drugs and broke the law numerous times. At the time i was influenced by my "freinds" and after realising that was a bad way to live all contact stopped with them. After a while I started fishing and met new freinds which again i ended up losing contact. This is a pattern that happens every time even if they are like minded and share common interests eventually the friendships fades away. I used to wonder why but now i know that its me who ends the friendship and the truth is that it doesn't bother me one bit if i dont have freinds. Im a loner because i choose to be. Because I prefer to be by myself.
    Might sound sad but i consider my dog to be my best friend. He would follow me to the edge of the world, fight to the death for me and has stood by my side through the most difficult times of my life. To me that is true friendship.
     
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  5. Aspie_With_Attitude

    Aspie_With_Attitude Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I have a handful of friends who don't have Asperger's and they actually care for me heaps.
     
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  6. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    A true friend will stick by you and support you in times of hardship as well as times of joy. When you are depressed or sick, they will go out of their way to help you, and not abandon you. When you have a problem, they will listen and try to help you overcome the problem.

    You will feel comfortable with them and be able to talk about more personal issues without fear of ridicule. They will also confide in you about their problems, because the trust is mutual. You will also want to help them when they are in need of support, and won't try to avoid them.
     
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  7. Sofi

    Sofi Well-Known Member

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    I agree with Progster ^^. You can usually tell when someone is your friend if they are willing to stick by you at all times and you begin to trust them and you also want to stand by them back.
    I tend not to call people friends even if I spend a lot of my actual time with them doing activities. I have 'activity friends' who I see multiple times in a week at my day programmes but I wouldn't necessarily trust these people with my problems and barely actually call them a friend (It might sound mean but it is just how it is). The people who I consider friends, I don't talk to as much or see much but I trust them and it sort of feels more special than the activity friends.
     
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  8. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    IMO a "real" friend has your back and will attempt to remain in your orbit no matter what.

    A "fair weather" friend will eventually just drift away for any number of reasons which may or may not involve you. Work, family, migration...etc..

    I've had lots of "fair weather" friends over the years. As an adult, I can't say I've ever had a "real" friend.
     
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  9. xudo

    xudo something and nothing

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    This might sound really negative, but you don't really know. You can call people friends, but they might not feel the same way. Or you might think someone is a friend and in reality they're not friendly to you at all. The latter is something I had problems with when I was in high school. I had what I thought were friends, but actually they treated me horribly and I accepted it because I thought that was just how friends treated you.

    I don't have many friends, and I struggle to work out if people I know are "friends" or just like acquaintances or whatever. I usually wait for the other person to use the term 'friend' about me first.
     
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  10. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Sounds sadly familiar, but thanks for sharing. I was so betrayed by such so-called friends in middle and high school. Sad memories.
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2018
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