How do you feel about solitude versus loneliness?

[Owliet]

I thrive on my own. I love being alone. That's when I feel the most at ease and the most like I can be myself. It gets lonely, though! It's such a fine line for me between too much social time and not enough.

How do you cope with being lonely? How much time do you spend totally alone?

Throughout the beginning of the pandemic I was living totally alone for almost a year. I was not leaving the house, not speaking to or seeing anyone that whole time except for a few visits once in a while. Being alone is one of the scariest things in the world to me, but it's also so compelling. Anyway, those are my thoughts on the subject. What are yours? thanks

I like being on my own but at times I also feel lonely. When I feel lonely, I will go into loops of despair and feel worse. Being on my own, doing my own thing, i enjoy the silence and feeling safe and at ease — it also gives me an opportunity to recharge. It is both a choice and also not a choice.

Lockdown was strange for me — whilst a lot of people found it challenging with the isolation and not seeing other people, I had very limited sympathy because that is how it is for me on a daily basis And it is often not through choice. I thought after the pandemic lockdowns that people would be more kind towards each other but i was wrong.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I cannot remember a time that I felt lonely,...then again, I have alexithymia,...so, I might not recognize it as such. I know it feels "weird" in the house when my wife leaves for a few days to go to medical conferences. I know it feels "weird" when I go to a medical conference by myself. During those days off of work and my wife is at work,...home alone in the house to do or not do whatever I want,...it's pretty nice,...but I also look forward to seeing my wife when she comes home. You know, I am at the age where you start to think of these things like,..."What if my wife suddenly dies?"...."How would I cope?" All I could figure out is that I would likely need to keep myself occupied with activities in order to keep my mind off of the fact that I am by myself. Sitting still with nothing to do but dwell on one's thoughts,...that would put likely put me in "the looney bin".

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

There are times I revel in solitude. I have done wilderness backpacking or canoeing, solo, and you learn what deep solitude is like when you are alone with your thoughts a week at a time. There I do not feel lonely. My worst loneliness was around people when I had yearnings to be in a relationship yet could see the vibrant life around me and feeling like the odd person out. That was rough. But now, being in a successful relationship I do not feel lonely and still can have alone time even if it is just sitting near each other engrossed in our reading. And there are reminders of our commitment, whether hugs, doing something for one another, or making love.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Interesting thread idea, foliodoe. I never get bored on my own, but I do get lonely. I can spend lots of time alone, but definitely like being around people every 2-3 days, depending on what kind of interaction. I need to socialize, but managing the burnout can be tough. I could use another social outlet at this point, so hopefully I'll find a good one soon.

Not to get off topic, but one thing I love about people is how random connection can seem. I love people I wouldn't think I'd be friends with, while I've shared interests with people I can't stand. It certainly helps me learn about myself and what I really value/need. (Also prejudices I should get rid of.)

 

[Streetwise]

I thrive on my own. I love being alone. That's when I feel the most at ease and the most like I can be myself. It gets lonely, though! It's such a fine line for me between too much social time and not enough.

How do you cope with being lonely? How much time do you spend totally alone?

Throughout the beginning of the pandemic I was living totally alone for almost a year. I was not leaving the house, not speaking to or seeing anyone that whole time except for a few visits once in a while. Being alone is one of the scariest things in the world to me, but it's also so compelling. Anyway, those are my thoughts on the subject. What are yours? thanks

wouldn't feel lonely if the cat and myself could sleep permanently bliss feel it when i start to hyperventilate then i hear neurotypicals and back to hopes of blissful sleep

 

[Judge]

Solitude keeps me whole.

Loneliness keeps me human.

 

[Jeff T]

The emotion I'd describe to solitude would be contentment.

When I was much younger I would have instances of loneliness. Usually right after leaving a group of people, or the first evening of a solo trip.

That has all disappeared for quite some time. I prefer to not talk to the neighbors- I wish this place was 100 acres instead of 2! But 2 is much much better than 30 feet!

Noticed that older animals also tend to prefer aloofness as they age. My first horse went from being an exuberant socialite to openly avoiding contact with other horses. My current horse seems to be on the same trajectory........

 

[Outdated]

I only ever felt truly lonely once in my life, and that was when I was engaged to get married.

 

[Rodafina]

Hmmm, I’m getting hung up on something. I hope it’s okay to ask this…

How do loneliness and marriage work at the same time? I don’t know how to word this question properly, but I don’t understand how you can be a loner in your heart and also be contentedly married? Something does not compute for me.

No judgments, just confusion on my part.

I understand feeling lonely right next to somebody, and that is always sad. And I understand needing so much solitude that you can never be someone’s partner.

But how does lonely exist within a contented partnership?

 

[Outdated]

But how does lonely exist within a contented partnership?

In my case the partnership was no longer contented, hence the loneliness.

I got over it though, the partnership that is, not the loneliness. Never ended up getting married, had a great life.

 

[Rodafina]

Spoiler: Lyrics

Can you hear the road from this place?
Can you hear footsteps, voices?
Can you see the blood on my sleeve?
I have fallen in the forest
Did you hear me?
In the loneliness
Oh the loneliness and the scream
To prove to everyone that I exist
In the loneliness
Oh the loneliness and the scream
To bring the blood to the front of my face again
Am I here?
Of course I am, yes
All I need is a hand
To drag me out again
It wasn't me, I didn't dig this ditch
I was walking for weeks
Before I fell in
To the loneliness
Oh the loneliness and the scream
To prove to everyone that I exist
In the loneliness
Oh the loneliness and the scream
To fill a thousand black balloons with air (oh)
We fall down, find god
Just to lose it again
Glue the community together
We were hammering it
I fell down, found love
But I can't lose it again
But now our communal heart beats miles from here
I fall down, find god
Just to lose it again
Glue the community together
We were hammering it
Fell down, found love
But I can lose it again
But now our communal heart
It beats miles from here

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

The most painful lonliness I've ever experienced was in the presence of an ex, when I was married to him and he no longer loved me. I understand that now, but when it was going on, I just didn't understand why I did not seem to exist when I was around him. I tried to think of examples, but they all require paragraphs of back story.

I prefer to be alone after a lifetime of trying to fit in. Probably realized this at some point in my 40s? I started actively making decisions to be alone on holidays, alone on canoe trips, alone in general.

I loved the covid lockdown for the rest of the world. For the two of us it has been quite a challenge because he was working from home for a long time as I have for the past 20+ years and I was not getting enough alone time. He's well back at work, but I am still feeling the unsettledness of not having enough alone time.

Rodafina, I am not sure what you are asking. I can try to answer if I better understand your question.

 

[Rodafina]

Rodafina, I am not sure what you are asking. I can try to answer if I better understand your question.

@WhitewaterWoman, welcome to my brain! Always having trouble finding the right words. Takes great effort to find the right ones.

I’m not totally sure what I was asking, just confusion.

People on the thread were talking about being loners and understanding loneliness but also they have longtime partners/spouses. So I didn’t want to ask in a rude way like: how could you be lonely and married at the same time? But I guess maybe that’s it. But I’m sorry that that sounds really rude.

I mean people who are contentedly married. I understand intimately about being in a partnership where I was no longer loved, or in partnerships that aren’t healthy.

If you have a life partner that you feel loves and supports you, doesn’t that cure loneliness?

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

@WhitewaterWoman, welcome to my brain! Always having trouble finding the right words. Takes great effort to find the right ones.

I’m not totally sure what I was asking, just confusion.

People on the thread were talking about being loners and understanding loneliness but also they have longtime partners/spouses. So I didn’t want to ask in a rude way like: how could you be lonely and married at the same time? But I guess maybe that’s it. But I’m sorry that that sounds really rude.

I mean people who are contentedly married. I understand intimately about being in a partnership where I was no longer loved, or in partnerships that aren’t healthy.

If you have a life partner that you feel loves and supports you, doesn’t that cure loneliness?

My opinion: I don't think having a life partner cures loneliness, although many people without a life partner believe this. Probably the early stages of being fanatically in-love where nothing exists outside of you and your love object pushes loneliness aside for a time.

I believe loneliness is an emotional state that can exist independent of how many friends or lovers or family members you have. It can have many different forms.

Just a simple example. I love to dance. I mean really love to dance. I used to dance all night at "Dawn Dances" in the northeast. It gives me a high like no other. Sex may be good, but I don't know anyone who can perform for 12 hours straight like I could dance. Plus you get to change partners.

So, in the context of dancing, I can be very lonely. My husband does not want to dance for his own, good reasons. But it does make me lonely, in that context. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about that, but when I do, I mourn that loss.

 

[Rodafina]

My opinion: I don't think having a life partner cures loneliness, although many people without a life partner believe this. Probably the early stages of being fanatically in-love where nothing exists outside of you and your love object pushes loneliness aside for a time.

I believe loneliness is an emotional state that can exist independent of how many friends or lovers or family members you have. It can have many different forms.

Just a simple example. I love to dance. I mean really love to dance. I used to dance all night at "Dawn Dances" in the northeast. It gives me a high like no other. Sex may be good, but I don't know anyone who can perform for 12 hours straight like I could dance. Plus you get to change partners.

So, in the context of dancing, I can be very lonely. My husband does not want to dance for his own, good reasons. But it does make me lonely, in that context. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about that, but when I do, I mourn that loss.

That makes a lot of sense the way you explained it. Thank you for taking the time.

I used to go to festivals and play the drums all night by a bonfire. I played for the dancers!

 

[VictorR]

According to my diagnosis I am lonely. I'm not sure how I should be feeling about that.

 

[Darkkin]

I'm a true introvert and have been content with my own company for as long as I can remember. My books and dogs are not a default or a result of social failings, they are a preference and a very deliberate choice.

I don't have to temper, alter, or downshift my rate of function to accommodate others. This is a luxury few people get and something even fewer people understand. It is akin to hiking with a group of people or hiking alone.

With others, it is a chronic state of limiting speed, distance, and difficulty to accommodate the widest swath of people. (Completely reasonable, but for those who can and want to do more it can feel like you're trapped.)

If you have ever seen a sight hound bolt do or die on a lure course, tapping into that inherent skill set to go faster, further, and deeper into an interest simply because you can...It is like the joy those sight hounds find in running. It is an emotion solely dependent on the individual, not on anyone else. That self-sufficient capacity is a trait that is often pathologised and weaponised against those who have it.

Loneliness is a hollow space often triggered by loss or a fear of missing out. It is the empty place in your lap when you know CatCat is not going to jump up because she is no longer there. It is going for a hike and listening for the clink of dog tags, but all you hear is the truth of the woods because your dog isn't there.

Understanding what loneliness is (as much as it sucks) is profoundly important. It is a key indicator of conscience and emotional functionality. And while people who are content with their own company (introverts) have a self sustaining system, they do have periods of loneliness because of an emotion created by a void.

With similar looking characteristics, (true antisocial personal traits, sociopathy, psychopathy), there is a massive deficit of conscience and emotional connection to anything. Loneliness is not something these individuals feel or comprehend.

People often think wanting or preferring solitude is a selfish or narcissistic behaviour simply because they don't understand what the nuances of things like introversion, loneliness, sociopathy, and narcissism are. They are often used interchangably, but they are anything but...

 

[Streetwise]

@WhitewaterWoman, welcome to my brain! Always having trouble finding the right words. Takes great effort to find the right ones.

I’m not totally sure what I was asking, just confusion.

People on the thread were talking about being loners and understanding loneliness but also they have longtime partners/spouses. So I didn’t want to ask in a rude way like: how could you be lonely and married at the same time? But I guess maybe that’s it. But I’m sorry that that sounds really rude.

I mean people who are contentedly married. I understand intimately about being in a partnership where I was no longer loved, or in partnerships that aren’t healthy.

If you have a life partner that you feel loves and supports you, doesn’t that cure loneliness?

do you mean insecurity? like separation anxiety ,that animals who are locked up alone and suffer abuse! from lack of normal stimulus,remember !the part of the autists brain, devoted to socialisation, is at the level of a very young infant, who wouldn't be alone as its too weak

 

[Rodafina]

do you mean insecurity? like separation anxiety ,that animals who are locked up alone and suffer abuse! from lack of normal stimulus,remember !the part of the autists brain, devoted to socialisation, is at the level of a very young infant, who wouldn't be alone as its too weak

I don’t understand.
I definitely don’t have separation anxiety, I have together anxiety.

the part of the autists brain, devoted to socialisation, is at the level of a very young infant, who wouldn't be alone as its too weak

Are you sure about this? I’m not sure this is factual. The human brain is very plastic and mine has been growing for a long time.

 

[Gracey]

If mr Gracey away, it feels different.
- only because I know his routines and patterns.
When they're not happening I notice the difference.

Not lonely though. Much to be getting on with.