How do you deal with fear of the inevitable?

[Jenisautistic]

Hi everyone

let me share a bit of news. my grandmothers heath is a tiny bit stable but kind of really declining. She is really on and off. She is going to be sent to a Long-Term Acute Care. In a nearby state. As you know she is currently 96 years old and her birthday is in early September. She still remembers stuff but is chronically weak so doesn't talk much but she responds a bit to questions

she has been caring for me my whole life. for quite sometime we even slept in the same bed. Sometimes at night i really not only miss my apartment which is still inaccessible at this point but also just having my grandmother present. I feel so alone at times. I also would tell her everything and i will never have anyone like her again. Again i can only imagine how she is feeling There is a possibility of her maybe recovering to some extent. as much as a 96 year old can i guess. Hopefully in this moment she can be stable and ok so to speak

I guess i want to know what i can do while she is still alive and how to cope with losing " my person" so to speak. How can I deal in the moment and such

she has always has been extremely healthy so far from what i understand she isn't terminally ill at this point

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Yeah, we all deal with this sort of loss eventually. Grandparents, parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc. Its a process and never an easy thing. Those first few days, weeks, even months afterward is hard. Lots of crying. Every little thing brings up memories of them. Out of nowhere, your eyes will well up with tears. These are very important moments in our lives. I think that emotional pain is what sears their memory in our brains. We remember them for as long as we live, and as such, no better memorial, however personal. This is important and valuable. Nobody wants to leave this Earth and not be remembered. What better gift than being a keeper of your Grandmother's memory.

One of the most valuable and memorable times with my Grandfather, was just sitting there listening to him share stories of his childhood, how he grew up, his parents and siblings, his WW2 experience, etc. I have that now.

If she is able, I might spend that time with her and just let her share all of those stories with you. It gives her some closure. It gives you some closure.

 

[Rodafina]

You ask a difficult question, @Jenisautistic, as this kind of loss is never going to be easy. It's something I think about a lot as I watch my parents age. It is something that I worry about but know that I cannot avoid.

I try to imagine any regrets that I may have in the future and then be sure to live in a way that I won't have them. When my parents pass, I want to be able to look back on the time that they were alive with no regrets. For me, I know that I want to be able to have memories of time well spent, leaving no questions unasked, and nothing important unsaid. I let them know now how grateful I am for them and I never take their presence for granted.

 

[RemyZee]

There are a lot of things you can do to be close to her now: Reading books to her, if she likes books--you can also read to her over the telephone, playing her favorite music, Looking at picture albums. Sharing how you feel. I lost my aunt recently, and she is someone I texted with every day or two, and she meant a lot to me.. She had a really good life, and it helped to remember some of the stories she told me and write them down. Mostly, it's been important just to remember how much she meant to me. You can expect to miss her and be sad about it. That means you care.

 

[Coxhere]

Hi everyone

let me share a bit of news. my grandmothers heath is a tiny bit stable but kind of really declining. She is really on and off. She is going to be sent to a Long-Term Acute Care. In a nearby state. As you know she is currently 96 years old and her birthday is in early September. She still remembers stuff but is chronically weak so doesn't talk much but she responds a bit to questions

she has been caring for me my whole life. for quite sometime we even slept in the same bed. Sometimes at night i really not only miss my apartment which is still inaccessible at this point but also just having my grandmother present. I feel so alone at times. I also would tell her everything and i will never have anyone like her again. Again i can only imagine how she is feeling There is a possibility of her maybe recovering to some extent. as much as a 96 year old can i guess. Hopefully in this moment she can be stable and ok so to speak

I guess i want to know what i can do while she is still alive and how to cope with losing " my person" so to speak. How can I deal in the moment and such

she has always has been extremely healthy so far from what i understand she isn't terminally ill at this point

My paternal grandmother and I were close, emotionally. She knew that I was different and she gave me extra attention when I was a very young boy. Her other grandchildren didn't seem to get the kind of attention that I got. They were more "normal" than I. At the time of my grandmother's death- - - -she was only 82- - - -I was 32. She was fifty years older than I. She and I had grown a part because I lived in a distant city from her. Later on and after her death, I wondered about some things that only she could have provided answers. So, my suggestion to you is this. Think about and write down questions that you wonder about and only your grandmother can answer. Then, little by little, ask her the questions and focus closely on her responses. You might even want to journal the answers so that you can refer back to them later in your life. I wish that I'd done this with my grandmother. Answers to some questions that I have today will never be answered. I wish you well as you experience your grandmother's downhill health. I'm glad that the two of you still have each other, Jenisautistic.

 

[JayCee]

Am So sorry you will have to deal with the enevitable....If you have control over your own life. You might wish to spend as much time as you can with her. As people age roles reverse,they are parents first, then as you grow and old age approachs then you get to play the parent role, for your parents. Maybe do the best you can. Best Wishes.

 

[Coxhere]

Am So sorry you will have to deal with the enevitable....If you have control over your own life. You might wish to spend as much time as you can with her. As people age roles reverse,they are parents first, then as you grow and old age approachs then you get to play the parent role, for your parents. Maybe do the best you can. Best Wishes.

What a beautiful response, JayCee, to Jenisautistic's inquiry regarding her grandmother and her grandmother 96 years old and heading towards 97 this coming September.

 

[SusanLR]

Spend as much time with her as possible. This is how I handled the inevitable when my mother's time had come. Some of my last and endearing memories was of the two of us just sitting, quiet, holding her hand.

You may find a lasting memory in doing so that doesn't fade. The one I found that will always remain so vivid and the emotions that came with it was a simple evening looking out her room's window as a wall of rain approached. Coming through the Spanish moss draped trees and over the window in front of us.
Somehow that evening felt different.

That was in 2013. She was 86 when she died.
And, yes, everything I did and places I saw, always brought tears for a long time as the thought of wishing she could see these things with me would happen. They were like that cleansing rain also. I still miss her and wish she were with me even now.
I found strength to continue alone. Something I thought I couldn't do.
You'll find your own way too. Bless.

 

[JayCee]

What a beautiful response, JayCee, to Jenisautistic's inquiry regarding her grandmother and her grandmother 96 years old and heading towards 97 this coming September.

 

[Judge]

That was one of the few things I was able to always put out of my mind while I was my mother's caregiver. I just couldn't imagine life without her. Even at the age of 81, when she quietly passed away in her sleep.

It was a horrible shock to me, despite the obvious inevitability of it all.

Yet when it comes to my own mortality, I'm acutely aware of it. Go figure.

 

[Dagan]

Asking about the inevitable is also knowing there is an end soon, and you should know, that as bad as that feeling is, it is very much a mature and healthy state of being for you. I don't mean that to come across like I just wanted to pump up your pride or that kind of a thing. I mean it to just be a kind of realization that you seem more on the better end of capable in dealing with it than you may be aware of. We can all just as easily fall apart in whatever random moments, too, of course. Grief will still hit, and it is a monster of varying styles - a monster you don't just "slay" and get over it. It's a process. It's going to be your individual process, too. No one can or even should come across as pressuring you to handle it certain ways (outside of no self harm or self deprecating). The best of us will be here / there for you as "listeners." We'll hear you out in full....and then offer reasoning where we may....if we can.

Overall, my opinion (from experiences too often) is that by doing what a loved one taught us or engaging in what they shared with us and enjoyed, no matter our skill level compared to theirs, we are able to feel them with us, and we homage and honor them in ways, as well. Just the same, doing such can bring back negative feelings at times, so you will find what works for you...what doesn't. It may be that you do something else entirely to cope. It will all be a process that you go through, even if you intentionally or unintentionally begin figuring such things out right now ahead of time.

 

[Coxhere]

Spend as much time with her as possible. This is how I handled the inevitable when my mother's time had come. Some of my last and endearing memories was of the two of us just sitting, quiet, holding her hand.

You may find a lasting memory in doing so that doesn't fade. The one I found that will always remain so vivid and the emotions that came with it was a simple evening looking out her room's window as a wall of rain approached. Coming through the Spanish moss draped trees and over the window in front of us.
Somehow that evening felt different.

That was in 2013. She was 86 when she died.
And, yes, everything I did and places I saw, always brought tears for a long time as the thought of wishing she could see these things with me would happen. They were like that cleansing rain also. I still miss her and wish she were with me even now.
I found strength to continue alone. Something I thought I couldn't do.
You'll find your own way too. Bless.

The more that we love, care about, and have shared experiences with someone, the greater the grief when that loved one dies. The more that we grieve and feel loss, the greater the connection that we've had. The more that we've experienced joy with a person, the more emotional pain we feel when that person is no longer, physically, with us. If we are able to remember these truths during our grief and pain, the easier it is to carry on, just as that loved one would want for us.