How do you balance being yourself and "fitting in"

[Ste11aeres]

When it's a question of your job, you have to "fit in" even if it means being "fake". Failure to do so will mean job loss, unemployment, etc, which is a terrible situation.

But outside of work, that leads to misery (it also leads to misery during work). My opinion: don't fake it during your social life, during your hours outside of work. Even if your authentic self leads to social isolation, your inner peace is worth it.

However, if you find your self in a workplace with the right group of people, that right group will be comfortable with you being yourself. Sadly, this doesn't seem to be the case in your situation. i have worked in many many work locations with many many people, and only a teeny tiny handful of past coworkers have let me feel comfortable with being myself.
When they don't I just have an interior attitude that says: I don't want you to see my true self, anyway. It's private. I'll save that part of myself for the people who I allow to have access to that part of me. (The people who I allow to have access to the true me consist of 1) my best friend, 2) my dog, and 3)(this was a surprise) my dog's behaviorist/trainer).

 

[ChrisC1983]

sofar... i dont
i've been lieing on a professional level in public for so long that i've lost my hobbies and interests.... i'm just starting to work on getting them back
luckily, on the same hand, i'm almost at a complete "f*** everybody" breakdown (not good as a whole, but aspects are useful) which i'm slowly applying to my life....... i can still be professional when necessary (ie: during work in the capacity needed), but i refuse to put on a show all day long anymore. i'm 31, my family dies around 60... i'm due for diabetes, bipolar and between the daily stress of existing and my weight (nowhere private to work out, judgement issues.. severely..) my back will be gone within 5 years as will my knees. i'm single, broke, friendless, with a severe lack of interests, hobbies, social abilities and life experiences.. either i'm going to have a breakdown and live in a psych ward until i come out as a zombie or tell myself to screw what everybody thinks, focus on me, be as selfish as every "normal" functioning adult that has the things i want to have is (within reason.. i still can't cheat or anything but i need to be able to blow off people when they ask for help and don't really need it.. or just when they're treating me like a work slave and literally retarding my life)

i don't care if i end up as the weird 50yr old at comicom.. i'll have a full body suit so i can dance around and be crazy. or roaming through junk yards and dumps for raw materials to make crazy art, sculptures, and furniture.. if that's what will keep my happy, then that is what needs to happen. living a life based on what others want you to do is not a life, it's a machine. no human should be a machine.... dress up for halloween and go door to door giving adults candy, then dress like santa and visit the senior center, take a rake to the beach and make a japanese zen garden. take a nap ontop of your car in the mall parking lot.. walk around in a cape and leisure suit..... screw it. be you....... you're unique. embrace the weirdness and keep pushing it

 

[Beverly]

When you have one of those careers that requires you to maintain an elaborate facade 99% of the time, you need to make the 1% count.

You've got to have people you can be yourself with and, you've got to make time to have some solitude. You have to make the precious private time you have count. That's the only time you get to be introspective and, pursue your passions that don't involve work.

If you don't make time for yourself, you'll loose yourself and, that is the last thing you want to do.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Hahaha. I'm curious about the mating habits of cuttlefish now. There was one day I got to talk at length about the life and times of Diogenes the Cynic. No one had any opinion on it in the same way that I don't have an opinion on Come Dine With Me. Oh, that makes me sound like a dreadful snob...!

Tankgirlboy77 , Diogenes the Cynic. A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist. Diogenes is my nominee for the " patron ain't " of Aspers. We should adopt a illuminated lantern as our symbol.
Our motto, "we dare shine our light in darkness."
Oh I suppose we should have a saying for our detractors. How about, " give them a light and they will follow it anywhere. "
Oh I just noticed snob is an anagram for "no BS."

 

[Maelstrom]

Hi Tankgirlboy77 , I'm no expert, but I know how it feels to crash and burn. I recommend you keep the real friendships more one on one in low stress private settings. To survive the office thing well you likely will never entirely fit in, it is more a question of damage control. Regular people want these things most Affermation, (same as respect), friendliness, and to be listened to.

So 1. give a a short quick good warm greeting eveyda, keep it warm, keep short so you don't mess up. Like hey Joe how is your dog? or hey Joe you keeping out of trouble, a warm slightly playful tone with a hand shake or or pat or fake punch to the shoulder if you guy's are cool and it's not weird.

So 2. Ask small questions about their life, don't over do this too much at one time, like how is your dog or family, what did you do at home or this weekend...etcetera. Let them do most of the talking, ask a small follow up question once in a while or repeat a fact in their story so they know you are listening, like she said that to you? or what did you do next? And remember people are selfish and really don't want to hear much about your life, unless their life is so boring they want to pull their eyeballs out.

and 3. if you find a not too obvious way to compliment their skills or person, they will find your conversational skills enrapturing even if you hardly ever speak. People never get tired of being told they are good at something or good looking or charming. But don't over do it salt it in, in quiet little bits once in a while, so you don't get branded as a flatterer, they need to feel you really mean you compliment...and it is nice if you do mean it...everyone usually has a few nice things about them or are good at something if you pay attention.

And 4. The top social dog in a group conversation, is always right, (even if not), always funny, even if not), and always getts to speak the most even if he is as boring as dirt.

It is better to pretend most of the time you are deaf if you are in a group conversation and someone is say something stupid or wrong, I find this very hard to do.

Good luck...Mael. you will need it

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Yeah, that's a classic one. I seem to remember Alexander asking Diogenes why he was searching through human bones and he said something like he was looking for the bones of Alexander's father, but couldn't distinguish them from the bones of a peasant. It's a shame none of his writings survive, but he seems to work best as a legendary figure whose strange ways later writers could marvel at and interpret. A bit like a Greek zen character.

Tankgirlboy77, or perhaps a student of Epicurus.
Seems to me I had a thread called " I am Epicurious yellow" that might be of interest.

 

[Marvin]

Maelstrom it's interesting to read your advice. I've started a new job that requires a lot of one on one communication with a client for an extended period of time, and those are the exact steps I take to initiate and sustain a conversation with a complete stranger. It's a hit and miss for the moment, I'm sure I'll get better with more practice.

Tank, like so many of us here I feel what you're going through. At the risk of dampening things I have recently had a slightly different twist to this. The sad reality is that we are in the minority, and so we are labeled as outliers. By the same token we are expected to adjust and modify ourselves to suit

For me even in situations where I'm correct, I have to comply with the majority until such time that majority see their own error. Some might come to my way of thinking or doing things, but not before they have ridiculed me for the entire duration it took for them to change their views. And more often than not, mine was the way that is finally adopted (probably because I've considered things before acting). And of course the fact that I was originally there has no significance by this stage.

At my best I can think of it as planting the seed and walking away, and sadly I'm not often at my best.

I guess what I'm trying to say is just because it feels like you're swimming against the tide doesn't mean you're going in the wrong direction. At some point you draw a line and let the bs slide (and there seems to be so much bs in the nt world), and go your own way.

Sorry for the dampener, I'll stop my rant. Hope that was helpful.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Maelstrom it's interesting to read your advice. I've started a new job that requires a lot of one on one communication with a client for an extended period of time, and those are the exact steps I take to initiate and sustain a conversation with a complete stranger. It's a hit and miss for the moment, I'm sure I'll get better with more practice.

Tank, like so many of us here I feel what you're going through. At the risk of dampening things I have recently had a slightly different twist to this. The sad reality is that we are in the minority, and so we are labeled as outliers. By the same token we are expected to adjust and modify ourselves to suit

For me even in situations where I'm correct, I have to comply with the majority until such time that majority see their own error. Some might come to my way of thinking or doing things, but not before they have ridiculed me for the entire duration it took for them to change their views. And more often than not, mine was the way that is finally adopted (probably because I've considered things before acting). And of course the fact that I was originally there has no significance by this stage.

At my best I can think of it as planting the seed and walking away, and sadly I'm not often at my best.

I guess what I'm trying to say is just because it feels like you're swimming against the tide doesn't mean you're going in the wrong direction. At some point you draw a line and let the bs slide (and there seems to be so much bs in the nt world), and go your own way.

Sorry for the dampener, I'll stop my rant. Hope that was helpful.

Marvin, I would like to acknowledge your post and reinforce your position. The majority IS superficial, equivocating and manipulative, but as you know the majority plays the game of inscrutability to their own advantage because they invented the social games. We imagine a new and better world and others are comfortable in the rules of the past.
As you also mentioned when our Asper methods are applied in day to day drama, the majority benefits from our focused thinking, providing they take the credit.
So let's not equivocate here. The majority thoughtlessly emotionally
and almost hysterically feel their way through life because they do not have the personal integrity to deal with their own issues honestly as they cast aspersions upon us.
This is their weakness, they would rather be nice, lost in emotional chaos, thinking they are sooo mundane.
We are too direct, forthright, honest and see things in black and white. These are bad attributes? We are not adept at living in the miasma of grey nuanced and comfortable fog.
What do you think?

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I have just received the July/ August issue of "Discover" magazine.
An article titled " a users guide to rational thinking" occupied my mind as I say upon my throne. It was a quick and easy read, about as deep as a comic book.
What I did find interesting was the story was trying to teach principles that I suspect the majority of us apply on a daily basis.
When I read, "we're programmed for irrational thought." I almost had a Apoplectic seizure.
I don't know who "we're" is but it is not me. Is it you? Is it others?
Is it teachers, preachers or some other force of indoctrination, control and enforcement. Perhaps it is just the folks down in the valley, who are living their lives in quiet desperation, because they they don't believe they are programmed for irrational thought, yet.

 

[Mia]

It probably has to do with 'having' to fit in to make a living and having both nurotypical and nurodiverse traits. I seem to be somewhat in the middle of it all and able to see both sides. It's a bit like being thrown in the water and being told to learn to swim when existing in the NT world.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 115 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 106 of 200
You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits

Beginning to suspect too, that the neurotypical traits are actually very early 'enforced' socialization techniques used by teachers and family and the church community.

 

[Tom]

I have not really had that problem. I always am aware of my inner self even when wearing masks.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

It probably has to do with 'having' to fit in to make a living and having both nurotypical and nurodiverse traits. I seem to be somewhat in the middle of it all and able to see both sides. It's a bit like being thrown in the water and being told to learn to swim when existing in the NT world.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 115 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 106 of 200
You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits

Beginning to suspect too, that the neurotypical traits are actually very early 'enforced' socialization techniques used by teachers and family and the church community.

The last paragraph is right on the money, exactly.
It is about control and not about care.
Re evaluate all that you think you know, but first learn the method of reasoning. Learn how to think, and you will forget what you have been taught, to think.
The reward for daring to think more and react less is nothing more than happiness, confidence and the almost certainty that you can accomplish almost anything by focusing on your determination to succeed.
The risk, you must sacrifice a bit of security to try the new path to higher ground..

 

[ancusmitis]

My answer is that I don't. I wouldn't say that I don't have the problem so much as the problem is solved for me by my own cluelessness. That's not to say I tell everyone everything I'm into, but pretending to have interests/skills that I don't? Ha. Haha. Haha. Haaa hahahahaha. Ha.

Although, perhaps I could do more. No, I didn't "catch" the game last night, but someone asks me, "Did we win?" I could say "No," and I would most likely be guessing right. That's not to say I've looked this up, of course. It's just that I live in one of those areas where you don't look for sports facts, you find them. If you see what I mean.

 

[metalminx24]

Ach, I don't. I'm constantly getting things wrong!

 

[Marvin]

Marvin, I would like to acknowledge your post and reinforce your position. The majority IS superficial, equivocating and manipulative, but as you know the majority plays the game of inscrutability to their own advantage because they invented the social games. We imagine a new and better world and others are comfortable in the rules of the past.
As you also mentioned when our Asper methods are applied in day to day drama, the majority benefits from our focused thinking, providing they take the credit.
So let's not equivocate here. The majority thoughtlessly emotionally
and almost hysterically feel their way through life because they do not have the personal integrity to deal with their own issues honestly as they cast aspersions upon us.
This is their weakness, they would rather be nice, lost in emotional chaos, thinking they are sooo mundane.
We are too direct, forthright, honest and see things in black and white. These are bad attributes? We are not adept at living in the miasma of grey nuanced and comfortable fog.
What do you think?

Haha I'd like to think I'm adept at navigating through the greys but that might just be wishful thinking. You're right, there's far too much unnecessary guff.

I'm of the opinion that it's a combination of a double standard and the majority ultimately being selfish.

Double standard because we are expected to adapt, and when we don't, won't, or can't, we are the problem. Conversely, at least in my experience, very few attempt to see things from my point of view let alone try to adapt

This leads into the selfish part. True altruism you could argue doesn't exist. I've had far too many conversations conducted as "concern" for my wellbeing but end up being the topic of gossip later on. And by conversation I mean mostly being lectured on how I should be doing things, from someone that neither has the full story, not have they considered enough angles for it to be helpful and not insulting. I feel it feeds their need to give care, to be needed, as opposed to producing a beneficial outcome.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Haha I'd like to think I'm adept at navigating through the greys but that might just be wishful thinking. You're right, there's far too much unnecessary guff.

I'm of the opinion that it's a combination of a double standard and the majority ultimately being selfish.

Double standard because we are expected to adapt, and when we don't, won't, or can't, we are the problem. Conversely, at least in my experience, very few attempt to see things from my point of view let alone try to adapt

This leads into the selfish part. True altruism you could argue doesn't exist. I've had far too many conversations conducted as "concern" for my wellbeing but end up being the topic of gossip later on. And by conversation I mean mostly being lectured on how I should be doing things, from someone that neither has the full story, not have they considered enough angles for it to be helpful and not insulting. I feel it feeds their need to give care, to be needed, as opposed to producing a beneficial outcome.

Marvin , there you go , and the weird thing is that what you are now expressing is the unspoken fact of the matter .
So what do we have to lose just to say to those that cast aspersions. " my life, my ideals and aspirations are my only concern.
Furthermore, beat me, bite me or burn me, you still cannot make me be you. Get over it.
Or equivocate, some like that.

 

[Beverly]

As I told my parents and several others that USED to be in my life - My life and my way so, take yours a go and leave me with mine.

Best move I ever made. Taking out the trash isn't a pleasant job, sometimes you even strain a muscle or two doing it but, it has to be done and, you end up healthier for doing it now and again.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

As I told my parents and several others that USED to be in my life - My life and my way so, take yours a go and leave me with mine.

Best move I ever made. Taking out the trash isn't a pleasant job, sometimes you even strain a muscle or two doing it but, it has to be done and, you end up healthier for doing it now and again.

Beverly, so very true,
Oops, phone is down for a charge.
Later, I hope.

 

[Harry1965]

I meditate morning and night; eat right; sleep right and exercise right.

I think balance is right but I also seek out old souls like myself actively so I can be more of myself both at work and at home so the stress of constantly acting is reduced.

There are certain traits I look for in others that give me a hint of another "weirdo" I can relate to.

When I find them, it's so cool!

When I make a mistake, it's really bad.

So be careful and don't assume too much.

 

[BIMOG]

I don't work for health reasons and I have no fiends or social life, so I don't need to pretend to be someone who I'm not, my family already know what I'm like and they've long ago learned to put up with my foibles.