How do I stop masking?

[YancyyyComet9000]

I have realised I have been masking ever since I started high school. I never really knew that I was doing it or what it was at the time. Now I'm out of high school and I have had the opportunity to get diagnosed, but sadly that hasn't led anywhere so far. My parents aren't that bothered with me getting a diagnosis and aren't putting in any effort. when my mum did get a chance to talk to someone who asked questions about me, they didn't speak to me, she answered questions incorrectly and seemed to just completely forget about details about me that were present throughout the entirety of my childhood. I could say that she had forgotten since it was a long time ago, but I remember, and my memory is awful.

it sucks because I haven't even had the opportunity to talk to them myself. they said they call again in a month, and they haven't. my parents say it's a sign I don't have it since they didn't bother calling back. I am disheartened by the fact that they have given up so easily without even fully giving it a chance, and I worry that they won't try again unless they get prompted by someone else, as the only reason they did this in the first place was that my college brought it up since they said they saw signs pretty early on whilst I was there, but I no longer go there, so they can no longer persuade them and they had to do a lot of persuading to begin with.

I feel as though maybe if I can stop masking, I may be able to talk to my parent about my symptoms easier with them having actually noticed them. although at the same time, I worry that due to them being so oblivious previously, they may think it is something new. as when I started reacting negatively to loud noises when first going to college, they treated it like a new thing, as though I have never acted like that before, even though from a very young age I can recall numerous occasions where loud noises or too many sounds have been a huge issue for me, one problem being even as a child I hated talking about these issues when they occurred, since I never felt comfortable sharing any of my discomforts with them as they always react either by being dismissive or mocking me and making it more of an issue. so, I don't even know if they were aware of many issues I faced as a child as I intentionally hide them. something I am now wishing I hadn't done as it makes things far more difficult when talking to them about things they have seen is hard enough, never mind trying to explain things they didn't.

I have slowly started becoming more comfortable with myself and have stopped masking to an extent, but I feel like I don't even know what is and isn't masking anymore since I've been doing it for so long. things that are a part of me feel as though I never experienced them before, even though when I think about prior to high school and even during high school in circumstances I had forgotten or simply chosen to ignore, they were a prominent thing, as they have once again started to become now.

it's difficult because throughout high school I just stopped paying attention to myself, either focusing on school or in my head thinking about fantasy scenarios instead of my own life. so now I've finally started paying attention everything feels wrong, I feel like so much of me has been shut away and is finally being unlocked. but I've spent so long building this other character I don't know how I'm just supposed to revert back, because I wish it were that simple, but it's not.

I just want to know if there's a way to start acting naturally again. I am even masked to my family. The only person I actually started acting naturally to I can't see in person anymore, so I don't have them as an option to help. are there any steps I can take or advice from people who have already been through this?

I feel as though this wasn't very concise and I'm sure I didn't explain a lot of it in the correct words. but I don't fully understand things myself.

 

[Outdated]

It's very hard to comment without knowing you well, but I sympathize. I gave up trying to be like everyone else when I was only about 8 years old, it was too much effort and it never worked anyway.

It wasn't until I left school that I had to learn how to mask, something I had to do if I wanted a job or a girlfriend, and I became very good at it. I can still remember watching other people that impressed me then trying to mimic their body language and mannerisms when I got home.

But to me masking was deliberate, I did it on purpose and with the full knowledge of what I was doing, it was something I only did when necessary. When I'm not in public I am always me.

I'll give you a big tip though, when you go to see a doctor or try to get a diagnosis Do Not take your mother with you. Most parents are more worried about the social stigma of having a mentally ill child than they are about the child's welfare. They find it Embarrassing.

 

[YancyyyComet9000]

It's very hard to comment without knowing you well, but I sympathize. I gave up trying to be like everyone else when I was only about 8 years old, it was too much effort and it never worked anyway.

It wasn't until I left school that I had to learn how to mask, something I had to do if I wanted a job or a girlfriend, and I became very good at it. I can still remember watching other people that impressed me then trying to mimic their body language and mannerisms when I got home.

But to me masking was deliberate, I did it on purpose and with the full knowledge of what I was doing, it was something I only did when necessary. When I'm not in public I am always me.

I'll give you a big tip though, when you go to see a doctor or try to get a diagnosis Do Not take your mother with you. Most parents are more worried about the social stigma of having a mentally ill child than they are about the child's welfare. They find it Embarrassing.

My parents are definitely the same in that regard, and they also seem to think that I'd find it comforting if they say it's not the case, which I do not understand since I am the one actively saying I wish to see someone.

I would gladly do this by myself if I were able, but alas, I am currently unable to communicate with people or organise anything by myself. It is something that I am working on. So potentially in the future, that may be an option, but for now, I am having to rely on other people's assistance with anything involving people.

I am in a difficult situation as is, but I am still working on persuading them to take things more seriously and I am lucky to still have a friend who I can talk to, if still only remotely, who is diagnosed and is helping make things at least somewhat less difficult.

 

[Outdated]

Never give up. Life isn't always easy but the rewards are worth it.

 

[Outdated]

Just another thought - what country do you reside in? Many countries now have services to make it easier for people with communication problems to access health care. Hopefully someone here can give you local advice for the country you live in.

 

[YancyyyComet9000]

Just another thought - what country do you reside in? Many countries now have services to make it easier for people with communication problems to access health care. Hopefully someone here can give you local advice for the country you live in.

I am from to UK. I have looked into it, but though my searches, did not find any options. Although, I may just have not been looking in the right places as I have not had any prior experience with healthcare services.

 

[Outdated]

There are quite a few British people using these forums. I hope some of them notice this and offer some help.

 

[Outdated]

Just thought I should add, I have a minor communication problem myself. I'm really good at talking to people face to face but I'm completely useless on the phone. To me talking on the phone is like trying to talk to people at a rock concert. I can only hear every third word.

So I have to see people in person. I don't phone, I walk through the front door. That spun a few people out during Covid.

 

[Jordy]

First accept the consequences of not masking.

 

[Alexej]

I am from to UK. I have looked into it, but though my searches, did not find any options. Although, I may just have not been looking in the right places as I have not had any prior experience with healthcare services.

HI @YancyyyComet9000
Firstly Welcome to the Forums - I dont think I have welcomed you so far.

Secondly, since I am in the UK too, I would ask how you have got on with your GP. I think things can be a bit of a postcode lottery in the UK as to how good the serviced are for supporting folks with autism.

Your status says "awaiting diagnosis" - does that mean you on the waiting list > How long is your list at the moment - where I am it is currently over a year

 

[YancyyyComet9000]

HI @YancyyyComet9000
Firstly Welcome to the Forums - I dont think I have welcomed you so far.

Secondly, since I am in the UK too, I would ask how you have got on with your GP. I think things can be a bit of a postcode lottery in the UK as to how good the serviced are for supporting folks with autism.

Your status says "awaiting diagnosis" - does that mean you on the waiting list > How long is your list at the moment - where I am it is currently over a year

I'm not sure since my parents took over everything for me. I didn't hear them mention anything about a waiting list. My Mum has already had an appointment where they asked about symptoms, so I'm not entirely sure what's happening.
My parents barely discussed anything with me and now, as I've said, they seem pretty convinced that the lack of any further contact means that they don't think I have it. Although i find it unlikely that would be the case with them having not spoken to me directly yet.
They really haven't put much effort into making sure anything is done. I don't know how anything works and I would have no idea what to do to find out what's happening due to them not telling what they have done.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I'm on the NHS waiting list in Cambridgeshire and I was told it's 4 years long. Going private varies in price, but I'd say about £650-1000+ and you could probably get an appointment within a few weeks, or a month or so.

I went private for my ADHD diagnosis. I'll probably do the same for the Autism one eventually.

The initial call should be done by yourself and a GP, who does a questionnaire and then it gets sent off for a referral if you score high enough on the preliminary assessment. Parents aren't normally involved as far as I can tell, until the specialists send out preliminary questionnaires to complete. Usually by a patient and parent or guardian who knew you throughout childhood and adolescence.

Seems odd they'd be secretive. Mind you, what's odd? My household is deeply emotionally unsettled. Moving back home last year hasn't done my mental health any good.

Ed

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I just want to know if there's a way to start acting naturally again. I am even masked to my family. The only person I actually started acting naturally to I can't see in person anymore, so I don't have them as an option to help. are there any steps I can take or advice from people who have already been through this?

You may find Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PhD helpful. He talks about growing up undiagnosed and all the struggles he had, and how he's worked to unmask and accept himself more. It also has a lot of exercises to help you with unmasking.

 

[SacredHeart]

.

Your status says "awaiting diagnosis" - does that mean you on the waiting list > How long is your list at the moment - where I am it is currently over a year

@Alexej The uk is defiantly a post code lottery!
I’m just on the outskirts of London, I requested a referral mid November and have been assigned a psychiatrist and need to complete a self evaluation form and someone close to me needs to complete one too and then I can be booked in for a online assessment….is that quick?


@YancyyyComet9000 i can 100% relate.
I’m in my 30’s and can’t identify what is authentically me or what is masking….or how I even go about figuring it out.

I feel like it’s all me, but I have different me for different situations/dynamics, for a long time I leaned into the idea that as a Gemini it was just a byproduct of that….I also struggle with the idea the not autistic don’t have these feelings/ideology so apart of me it’s also ignorant it trying to determine a difference between masking and not masking

 

[velociraptor]

My masking is so automatic at this point that I'm not sure I'd be able to stop if I tried, and I don't really have a desire to try.

 

[GypsyMoth]

Hi @YancyyyComet9000 - nice to meet you. I think you're doing the right thing by reaching out. There are a lot of good people on here who have been where you are. These are just thoughts I had as I was reading--I hope they're helpful to you.

Now I'm out of high school and I have had the opportunity to get diagnosed, but sadly that hasn't led anywhere so far. My parents aren't that bothered with me getting a diagnosis and aren't putting in any effort.

Just an observation. If you're out of high school (and later on in your post you mention having some college behind you), then it sounds like you're old enough to make these kinds of decisions on your own. At this point, your parents do not have to agree with you, although it would be nice if they supported your decision to pursue a diagnosis or not.

when my mum did get a chance to talk to someone who asked questions about me, they didn't speak to me,

Would it help you to find out who she spoke with and call them yourself? You may still be on your parent's insurance, but your healthcare decisions are your own now. It's ok to call on your own behalf and speak for yourself about these matters.

she answered questions incorrectly and seemed to just completely forget about details about me that were present throughout the entirety of my childhood.

My gut feeling is that your parents do recognize that you're different and want to protect you. Perhaps they've been masking, too. In denying your need for support, they are showing their overprotection of you as a part of that masking. (But I could be wrong, too. You know your parents and your situation; this is only a suggestion.

it sucks because I haven't even had the opportunity to talk to them myself. they said they call again in a month, and they haven't.

No harm in giving them a follow-up call yourself. At the least, it will show that you want to take responsibility for yourself and that this is important to you.

my parents say it's a sign I don't have it since they didn't bother calling back.

Their lack of call back doesn't mean anything--and I think you know that or it wouldn't bother you so much. (My after-posting Note: some of the delay may very well be in regards to the UK healthcare system, as others here have pointed out.)

There can be a myriad of reasons they haven't called back (minus the UK healthcare system discussion): the counselor is behind on his callbacks; he just hasn't done it yet; your number got lost. None of these reasons have to do with you. If a professional organization says they're going to call back and they don't, the appropriate response is to follow up with them. Your well-meaning parents are trying to find reasons to legitimatize their dismissal of your concern. (I hope I'm not reading too much into your situation.)

This leaves you with two questions: are you going to accept their narrative over your own concerns, and, what action do you think you should take with regard to the counselor's delayed response? (It's ok to call them.)

I am disheartened by the fact that they have given up so easily without even fully giving it a chance, and I worry that they won't try again unless they get prompted by someone else, as the only reason they did this in the first place was that my college brought it up since they said they saw signs pretty early on whilst I was there, but I no longer go there, so they can no longer persuade them and they had to do a lot of persuading to begin with.

Every parent wants their child to succeed where they failed. Any parent who comes to realize that their child might not fulfill the dreams they had for them has to come to terms with a possible reality other than the one they had imagined. Some parents see a label as a sentence keeping their child from fulfilling the dreams they had for them. On top of that, society has a failed image of what autism is, making such a pursuit seem negative and perhaps even detrimental to a young adult seeking to find their place in the world. (I hope this might help you in seeing how they might be seeing your pursuing such a diagnosis.)

However, seeing autism as a sentence doesn't really make any sense. Granted, I'm new to this. But what I've learned in a few short months has really been both an eye-opener and a comfort as I've come to learn that I'm neither alone in the things I face, nor are the things I do or the manner in which I face what others do really as bad as the feedback I get sometimes comes across.

Autism, for me, is really more of an explanation.

I don't have any advice on how to convince your parents that it's more of an explanation that can help you, rather than as a sentence that condemns you. (I'm facing a similar problem in my situation.)

I feel as though maybe if I can stop masking, I may be able to talk to my parent about my symptoms easier with them having actually noticed them.

Your parents know you better in some ways than you know yourself. They haven't forgotten what you were like when you were a child. They have noticed more things about you through the years they were raising you than you can guess at. What they've done is tried to raise you to fit in with society. Because they've tried to help you learn what it means to fit in with society, they've been the ones who helped you in constructing the mask you now wear, the same one they still help enforce.

Just my two cents here, I don't think your parents want to see you without your mask. That might be a discussion to have with them long after you have received the support you are looking for, when their opinion of you as an adult carries a little less weight than it sounds it currently does at present. And that's just going to take time. It sounds like your relationship with them is safe, and there is nothing wrong with being safe, even if being safe means also being a bit masked.

although at the same time, I worry that due to them being so oblivious previously, they may think it is something new. as when I started reacting negatively to loud noises when first going to college,

My first semester away at college was the most difficult. I didn't know I was probably on the spectrum; I'm not sure I had even heard of autism back then. I had a great problem with crowds and noise. It didn't help that my friends cajoled me into things--or stopped being my friends when I stopped participating.

they treated it like a new thing, as though I have never acted like that before,

Do you have any aunts/uncles/cousins who could vouch for you on these behaviors you had as a child? Maybe an early caregiver? Or a trusted friend or neighbor? I understand that counselors usually want to talk with someone who knew you well as a young child, but they are aware of situations where parents do not want to admit that their child might have autism.

I have slowly started becoming more comfortable with myself

That's the goal, right? Even Shakespeare would agree: to thyne own self be true. Aristotle, also, said the unexamined life isn't worth living. You are examining your life; you are determining for yourself the life that is worth living.

but I've spent so long building this other character I don't know how I'm just supposed to revert back, because I wish it were that simple, but it's not.

Well, I don't know how a trained professional would answer that, but as a friend, I would say you can never be any more or less than who you are today. Who you are today is more than the person you were but not quite the person you will become. Your self-reflection on the former will help you in finding the latter.

The only person I actually started acting naturally to I can't see in person anymore, so I don't have them as an option to help.

I'm sorry to hear you're separated from your friend. What can you do to keep up that friendship? Call? Text? Plan on getting together sometime? Even if they're in a distant location, maybe meeting halfway somewhere for a weekend and doing something together can help you two stay in touch.

are there any steps I can take or advice from people who have already been through this?

Don't give up your friend.

I feel as though this wasn't very concise and I'm sure I didn't explain a lot of it in the correct words. but I don't fully understand things myself.

I've noticed there are a lot of people here who aren't very concise.
(I'm one of them.)
I wouldn't worry about it (being concise) very much.

 

[YancyyyComet9000]

Hi @YancyyyComet9000 - nice to meet you. I think you're doing the right thing by reaching out. There are a lot of good people on here who have been where you are. These are just thoughts I had as I was reading--I hope they're helpful to you.

Just an observation. If you're out of high school (and later on in your post you mention having some college behind you), then it sounds like you're old enough to make these kinds of decisions on your own. At this point, your parents do not have to agree with you, although it would be nice if they supported your decision to pursue a diagnosis or not.

Would it help you to find out who she spoke with and call them yourself? You may still be on your parent's insurance, but your healthcare decisions are your own now. It's ok to call on your own behalf and speak for yourself about these matters.

My gut feeling is that your parents do recognize that you're different and want to protect you. Perhaps they've been masking, too. In denying your need for support, they are showing their overprotection of you as a part of that masking. (But I could be wrong, too. You know your parents and your situation; this is only a suggestion.

No harm in giving them a follow-up call yourself. At the least, it will show that you want to take responsibility for yourself and that this is important to you.

Their lack of call back doesn't mean anything--and I think you know that or it wouldn't bother you so much. (My after-posting Note: some of the delay may very well be in regards to the UK healthcare system, as others here have pointed out.)

There can be a myriad of reasons they haven't called back (minus the UK healthcare system discussion): the counselor is behind on his callbacks; he just hasn't done it yet; your number got lost. None of these reasons have to do with you. If a professional organization says they're going to call back and they don't, the appropriate response is to follow up with them. Your well-meaning parents are trying to find reasons to legitimatize their dismissal of your concern. (I hope I'm not reading too much into your situation.)

This leaves you with two questions: are you going to accept their narrative over your own concerns, and, what action do you think you should take with regard to the counselor's delayed response? (It's ok to call them.)

Every parent wants their child to succeed where they failed. Any parent who comes to realize that their child might not fulfill the dreams they had for them has to come to terms with a possible reality other than the one they had imagined. Some parents see a label as a sentence keeping their child from fulfilling the dreams they had for them. On top of that, society has a failed image of what autism is, making such a pursuit seem negative and perhaps even detrimental to a young adult seeking to find their place in the world. (I hope this might help you in seeing how they might be seeing your pursuing such a diagnosis.)

However, seeing autism as a sentence doesn't really make any sense. Granted, I'm new to this. But what I've learned in a few short months has really been both an eye-opener and a comfort as I've come to learn that I'm neither alone in the things I face, nor are the things I do or the manner in which I face what others do really as bad as the feedback I get sometimes comes across.

Autism, for me, is really more of an explanation.

I don't have any advice on how to convince your parents that it's more of an explanation that can help you, rather than as a sentence that condemns you. (I'm facing a similar problem in my situation.)


Your parents know you better in some ways than you know yourself. They haven't forgotten what you were like when you were a child. They have noticed more things about you through the years they were raising you than you can guess at. What they've done is tried to raise you to fit in with society. Because they've tried to help you learn what it means to fit in with society, they've been the ones who helped you in constructing the mask you now wear, the same one they still help enforce.

Just my two cents here, I don't think your parents want to see you without your mask. That might be a discussion to have with them long after you have received the support you are looking for, when their opinion of you as an adult carries a little less weight than it sounds it currently does at present. And that's just going to take time. It sounds like your relationship with them is safe, and there is nothing wrong with being safe, even if being safe means also being a bit masked.

My first semester away at college was the most difficult. I didn't know I was probably on the spectrum; I'm not sure I had even heard of autism back then. I had a great problem with crowds and noise. It didn't help that my friends cajoled me into things--or stopped being my friends when I stopped participating.

Do you have any aunts/uncles/cousins who could vouch for you on these behaviors you had as a child? Maybe an early caregiver? Or a trusted friend or neighbor? I understand that counselors usually want to talk with someone who knew you well as a young child, but they are aware of situations where parents do not want to admit that their child might have autism.

That's the goal, right? Even Shakespeare would agree: to thyne own self be true. Aristotle, also, said the unexamined life isn't worth living. You are examining your life; you are determining for yourself the life that is worth living.

Well, I don't know how a trained professional would answer that, but as a friend, I would say you can never be any more or less than who you are today. Who you are today is more than the person you were but not quite the person you will become. Your self-reflection on the former will help you in finding the latter.

I'm sorry to hear you're separated from your friend. What can you do to keep up that friendship? Call? Text? Plan on getting together sometime? Even if they're in a distant location, maybe meeting halfway somewhere for a weekend and doing something together can help you two stay in touch.

Don't give up your friend.

I've noticed there are a lot of people here who aren't very concise.
(I'm one of them.)
I wouldn't worry about it (being concise) very much.

Thank you. I found your response very helpful.
I know that for now all I can really do is keep trying. I feel like my own confidence has been the biggest hindrance, but if I can get past that I think I now understand better what I need to do next. It definitely helps me to hear from someone else, since I'm often not very trusting of my own judgements. Your support has helped at least somewhat in feeling more confident.