How do i know i'm angry?

[kamiljano]

Here's a random problem from a guy pretty deep "on the spectrum". It would appear that I do not recognise it when I rise my voice. Honestly, I don't think it even is anger, but i may be wrong. It has been proven to me several times that i cannot name the emotions I experience. Still, I feel like a lot of the times it's just the way I talk and I really cannot tell when it happens. What it comes across as however apparently sounds like an invitation to a very long argument. And it's getting ridiculous. I don't wanna spend an hour fighting over whether I should feed the dog kibbles or wet food. It's ridiculous! It doesn't matter! But apparently it was me who escalated the issue. Of course I don't see it this way. I don't think i was angry at all until i was being shouted at for quite a while... but the 3rd parties claim I was the one to rise my voice first. So... can you think of any good way to identify it that you're raising your voice? I'm not getting much from Google

 

[Mr. Stevens]

If it's hard to tell what you're feeling, can you say some of what you're thinking during these times? Even though I don't have difficulty naming my feelings, many people misinterpret my actions/expressions too. It might be easy for them to convince you of what you're feeling, based on their misinterpretation.

Sometimes (not often) my voice goes up too, but that seems more like a response to the environment, or maybe urgency to speak. Or enthusiasm. Not anger.

 

[tazz]

Do these other people know you are autistic? Do they understand the condition? Are they people you live with, or spend a lot of time with?

 

[Rodafina]

I think we need a bit more info.

Are you talking about this happening with multiple people in your life? Or is it more frequent with just one person?

don't wanna spend an hour fighting over whether I should feed the dog kibbles or wet food.

It usually takes two people to escalate a situation about wet or dry dog food to a long shouting match. The raising your voice that you mentioned could be a reaction to being confronted by others.

I think something important to consider is underlying feelings (like building stress or frustration) that may be leading to an outburst where all the sudden you are shouting without realizing it.

 

[Hypnalis]

@kamiljano

I wonder if you're being sold an NT-centric view of what happened?

An example for you: I have a good friend who raises his voice unconsciously under some circumstances. It's definitely (100%) not due to anger, but the first time it happens people assume it might be anger.

So it may not be correct for you to assume a cause and effect relationship here (anger -> raised voice).

Especially if you're being told this by NTs. They cannot understand that we have a different emotional palette, even if they try. So their automatic interpretations of our emotional states are generally wrong.
In this respect, even when we know they're honest and favorably disposed towards us, we can't assume their analysis is correct.

If that's the case your solution is not to address your (possibly non-existent) "anger issue", but to learn to recognize and to manage the factors that cause you to raise your voice.

BTW - real anger is driven by adrenaline. An "adrenaline rush" is easy to identify and unmistakable because it causes tangible physical symptoms. Unfortunately it's easier to recognize it as it's winding down, but it's not hard to learn to monitor yourself for it "on the way up".

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Here's a random problem from a guy pretty deep "on the spectrum". It would appear that I do not recognise it when I rise my voice. Honestly, I don't think it even is anger, but i may be wrong. It has been proven to me several times that i cannot name the emotions I experience. Still, I feel like a lot of the times it's just the way I talk and I really cannot tell when it happens. What it comes across as however apparently sounds like an invitation to a very long argument. And it's getting ridiculous. I don't wanna spend an hour fighting over whether I should feed the dog kibbles or wet food. It's ridiculous! It doesn't matter! But apparently it was me who escalated the issue. Of course I don't see it this way. I don't think i was angry at all until i was being shouted at for quite a while... but the 3rd parties claim I was the one to rise my voice first. So... can you think of any good way to identify it that you're raising your voice? I'm not getting much from Google

It is OK maybe you are not good at recognizing emotions.
I am not good at controlling my anger either but I am unwell and I think my anger stems from frustration, loneliness, stress, trauma and hurt.
I get angry when I hurt because it hurts so bad and no one can make it better. Like someone needs to say it is ok, I need to trust no one is out to hurt or get me and not be constantly niggled at and feel like things will be ok and get well.
I also feel better when I sleep and rest more and drink more water, I feel calmer.
If someone gave me hugs and was there for me too and could understand I'd feel better.
And could help me is some ways even make my bed, cook a meal and put it on a tray, make me a warm drink.
And I just did not have to worry about anything but relaxing and reading or coloring or watching some TV.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

@kamiljano

I wonder if you're being sold an NT-centric view of what happened?

An example for you: I have a good friend who raises his voice unconsciously under some circumstances. It's definitely (100%) not due to anger, but the first time it happens people assume it might be anger.

So it may not be correct for you to assume a cause and effect relationship here (anger -> raised voice).

Especially if you're being told this by NTs. They cannot understand that we have a different emotional palette, even if they try. So their automatic interpretations of our emotional states are generally wrong.
In this respect, even when we know they're honest and favorably disposed towards us, we can't assume their analysis is correct.

If that's the case your solution is not to address your (possibly non-existent) "anger issue", but to learn to recognize and to manage the factors that cause you to raise your voice.

BTW - real anger is driven by adrenaline. An "adrenaline rush" is easy to identify and unmistakable because it causes tangible physical symptoms. Unfortunately it's easier to recognize it as it's winding down, but it's not hard to learn to monitor yourself for it "on the way up".

You are right it is not triggered by anger or aggression or meanness but by hurt, misunderstanding and frustration, being pushed to your limits, trauma etc. So there are other reasons why nervous systems get deregulated

 

[kamiljano]

Do these other people know you are autistic? Do they understand the condition? Are they people you live with, or spend a lot of time with?

Well... it's my wife, so yeah

 

[Ken]

Here's a random problem from a guy pretty deep "on the spectrum". It would appear that I do not recognise it when I rise my voice. Honestly, I don't think it even is anger, but i may be wrong. It has been proven to me several times that i cannot name the emotions I experience. Still, I feel like a lot of the times it's just the way I talk and I really cannot tell when it happens. What it comes across as however apparently sounds like an invitation to a very long argument. And it's getting ridiculous. I don't wanna spend an hour fighting over whether I should feed the dog kibbles or wet food. It's ridiculous! It doesn't matter! But apparently it was me who escalated the issue. Of course I don't see it this way. I don't think i was angry at all until i was being shouted at for quite a while... but the 3rd parties claim I was the one to rise my voice first. So... can you think of any good way to identify it that you're raising your voice? I'm not getting much from Google

I get that. For me, it happens when I am trying to make a simple statement. Then their response indicates they misinterpreted what I said, so I state it again, perhaps with different wording. Then, I raise my voice attempting to be more clear. That is instinctive and I'm not aware of raising my voice. Then I realize I am being shouted at with anger. I always find this extremely confusing and frustrating. The best I have ever found to prevent this is to just drop it. If they didn't get what I said on the second attempt, I know it is going to escalate and my point will never be made. That is hard to do, but that is my go-to method. If they demand further comment, I just say, "never mind".

 

[kamiljano]

If it's hard to tell what you're feeling, can you say some of what you're thinking during these times? Even though I don't have difficulty naming my feelings, many people misinterpret my actions/expressions too. It might be easy for them to convince you of what you're feeling, based on their misinterpretation.

Sometimes (not often) my voice goes up too, but that seems more like a response to the environment, or maybe urgency to speak. Or enthusiasm. Not anger.

From my perspective I'm just having a conversation. I'm just trying to make a decision. It's not until I hear shouting from my partner that I realise I'm in a middle of a fight.

 

[kamiljano]

I think we need a bit more info.

Are you talking about this happening with multiple people in your life? Or is it more frequent with just one person?



It usually takes two people to escalate a situation about wet or dry dog food to a long shouting match. The raising your voice that you mentioned could be a reaction to being confronted by others.

I think something important to consider is underlying feelings (like building stress or frustration) that may be leading to an outburst where all the sudden you are shouting without realizing it.

I mean, I guess the more often they see me, the more likely we are to have a fight at some point. It's just a statistical probability given more opportunities for things to go wrong. So technically we're talking about multiple people.
As for the underlying feelings... I'm not sure. I definitely experienced a lot of stress and frustration, but that's mostly work related and not very applicable to this situation...

 

[kamiljano]

I get that. For me, it happens when I am trying to make a simple statement. Then their response indicates they misinterpreted what I said, so I state it again, perhaps with different wording. Then, I raise my voice attempting to be more clear. That is instinctive and I'm not aware of raising my voice. Then I realize I am being shouted at with anger. I always find this extremely confusing and frustrating. The best I have ever found to prevent this is to just drop it. If they didn't get what I said on the second attempt, I know it is going to escalate and my point will never be made. That is hard to do, but that is my go-to method. If they demand further comment, I just say, "never mind".

I kinda try to do it. It's just an instonct... but perhaps I'm approaching it wrong, because my attempts in dropping the topic more often than not end up escalating the situation further

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Here's a random problem from a guy pretty deep "on the spectrum". It would appear that I do not recognise it when I rise my voice. Honestly, I don't think it even is anger, but i may be wrong. It has been proven to me several times that i cannot name the emotions I experience. Still, I feel like a lot of the times it's just the way I talk and I really cannot tell when it happens. What it comes across as however apparently sounds like an invitation to a very long argument. And it's getting ridiculous. I don't wanna spend an hour fighting over whether I should feed the dog kibbles or wet food. It's ridiculous! It doesn't matter! But apparently it was me who escalated the issue. Of course I don't see it this way. I don't think i was angry at all until i was being shouted at for quite a while... but the 3rd parties claim I was the one to rise my voice first. So... can you think of any good way to identify it that you're raising your voice? I'm not getting much from Google

All it means to me is that you're getting yourself "amped up" or "excited", often due to some sort of stressful situation, anxiety, etc.

Some people around you may sense that "you raised your voice" while expressing a concern, but chances are it wasn't anger, but more likely anxiety. How people react to you raising your voice is often a primitive response from "mirror neurons". If you are expressing grief, sadness, happiness, excitement, anger, etc. they will too. I work in a busy neonatal ICU, a lot of things can happen very quickly, lives are on the line, and absolutely, some people can let their anxiety get the better of them, voices start to raise, and it can become chaos (exactly what we DONT want to happen). If you have a particular way of doing something, you see someone trying to perform that task, you get anxious that they aren't doing it "correctly", you intervene with a raised voice (out of anxiety), they may interpret it as "You yelled at me" or "You got angry with me".

 

[The Pandector]

Had just bought a small sailboat, was attempting to launch it without power. Almost making steerage, I told my wife on the bow to just shove us off another dock we were approaching. She jumped onto the dock instead, leaving me to strike the dock. Later, she explained: “You yelled.” I never asked her sailing again, and never had crew notice I raised my voice. A wonderful woman she was, but over sensitive to vocal volume.

I learned about fiberglass and gel coat, bought an engine, continued to call out orders. Sometimes it’s not the autist with the problem.

 

[Ken]

I kinda try to do it. It's just an instonct... but perhaps I'm approaching it wrong, because my attempts in dropping the topic more often than not end up escalating the situation further

Yea, like I said, that's hard to do, but I'm getting better at it.

 

[VictorR]

Just wanted to add to Mr. Stevens and Rodafina's comments that I've not infrequently seen some people speak increasingly loud when they're excited about something, for whatever reason.