How can I remain friends with an ex?

[rainydays]

I have never been friendly with an ex after breaking up, because it was too taxing for me. Though, I've only dated two people in my life.

I don't think it's likely that we will be friends in the future, because I said some things during a recent melt-down after being dumped.
I told him to **** off and have a nice life. Previously he had expressed a desire to remain friends, but I couldn't. Some things he said hurt me and I snapped. Before that I tried to casually talk to him and just be around platonically, and to be honest, it just hurt and I cried a lot. I think it made me very unstable, which doesn't excuse my behaviour but it didn't help.

I don't know what to do. This person has been a big part of my daily life for almost three years, and not talking to him feels awful too. I have never been this attached to someone who wasn't my brother or parent. I also don't know how to talk to him after the last thing I said. I don't think I have the right to, and he (rightfully) hasn't spoken to me since.

I was hoping that over time, it would hurt less, but I don't feel better at all.
I honestly think it would be better if I just disappeared. I don't think saying sorry can make up for the last thing I said, or fix things.

 

[Slithytoves]

Rejection is painful. The sudden separation from someone who was a central part of your life is hard enough, but when they've "dumped" you (I hate that term), you also feel diminished as a person.

You stated more than once that being friends with an ex is difficult for you. Is it because you still have feelings for your exes that you know are no longer reciprocated? Because being around them returns you to that awful feeling of personal diminishment? Just because you're embarrassed by things you've said, as you mentioned? All of the above?

Whether you would like to be able to continue friendships with your exes or if you just want to feel better about yourself and moving on, you need to spend some time exploring exactly why being around an ex hurts you so much and why you aren't healing. Try to be systematic and objective as you think about it.

There's no good path ahead until you know exactly where you're standing right now. The results of your self-assessment will help you decide what you really want to happen and how to get there.

 

[rainydays]

Rejection is painful. The sudden separation from someone who was a central part of your life is hard enough, but when they've "dumped" you (I hate that term), you also feel diminished as a person.

You stated more than once that being friends with an ex is difficult for you. Is it because you still have feelings for your exes that you know are no longer reciprocated? Because being around them returns you to that awful feeling of personal diminishment? Just because you're embarrassed by things you've said, as you mentioned? All of the above?

Whether you would like to be able to continue friendships with your exes or if you just want to feel better about yourself and moving on, you need to spend some time exploring exactly why being around an ex hurts you so much and why you aren't healing. Try to be systematic and objective as you think about it.

There's no good path ahead until you know exactly where you're standing right now. The results of your self-assessment will help you decide what you really want to happen and how to get there.

Thank you very much for your reply, and giving me an actual tool! I have a lot of introspection to do.

 

[Slithytoves]

You're welcome.

If you need someone to help with thoughts and questions during your process, feel free to ask.

 

[rainydays]

You're welcome.

If you need someone to help with thoughts and questions during your process, feel free to ask.

Thank you very much. I've been thinking about this for weeks and I don't know if I have the clarity to be objective right now. I am trying.
Do you think seperation is the best way to process unrequieted feelings until they fade? Maybe it depends per person.

 

[Slithytoves]

You're right that it's a largely individual thing, but I do think younger people have a harder time seeing an ex until they've taken some time to process and heal a little. As a general rule, the more relationships you have, the better you'll be at recovering if they go wrong.

Just know that it's natural to still have feelings for someone when they're the one who ends the relationship. You got cut off unprepared.

 

[rainydays]

You're right that it's a largely individual thing, but I do think younger people have a harder time seeing an ex until they've taken some time to process and heal a little. As a general rule, the more relationships you have, the better you'll be at recovering if they go wrong.

Just know that it's natural to still have feelings for someone when they're the one who ends the relationship. You got cut off unprepared.

Hello again Slithytoves, I may have rushed the process, but yesterday I felt compelled to contact him and explain my last outburst and apologize for the way I handled things. I am still very sad, I did not expect that to dissipate, but I feel a little calmer..
I felt guilt, I am someone who is a little too occupied with how others perceive me, and can't stand the thought of him hating me or remembering me in a bad way. I can tell he is hesitant, but he did respond, though not in many words. ("Okay.")

I need to learn to curb my expectations, and re-adjust them when things change.

When he broke up with me, it seemed as if my life plan fell apart. For the past year, every change I made in my life was in preparation of eventually living with him. That, and I'm obviously very attached to him and still have feelings for him..

I read in another forum that most people "fall out of love" after two years, at which point they choose to accept the change in their feelings, and continue to love them in a different way, or they move on. Instead of taking it personally, and thinking I wasn't good enough and fudged it up, I have to remind myself that this happens to (almost) everyone at some point.

I really want to thank you, because if you hadn't given me advice I would just have continued to not ever speak to him again, and obviously that hasn't worked for me so far.

I don't know what will happen. It is possible that we won't even interact after this, but I am relieved I got to apologize.

 

[Slithytoves]

That's great news! I'm truly humbled that I was able to help you.

Apologies are important. I know that in my own life, I can't move on completely from any situation when I feel one is due. It doesn't matter how the recipient of my message responds. What matters is that I fulfilled the requirements of my conscience. I hope you continue to feel better for having said your piece. I'm glad you felt you had the strength to do it so soon. I wasn't sure by your original post that it was possible yet.

I need to learn to curb my expectations, and re-adjust them when things change.

This is a very mature statement. By "mature", I mean that there are adults in middle age and older who never get to the point where they see and accept this. That kind of thinking and the flexibility that comes from it will serve you very well in all kinds of situations.

I know what you mean about your breakup and your life plan. It's hard not to think of the future in a relationship, and if it ends abruptly, you're losing more than just a partner. I was once engaged to a man who died unexpectedly five months before our wedding. We had been looking at houses in another state. The future was so clear and just within reach. Then one day he was gone. I grieved for him terribly, but I also had to grieve the loss of a comprehensive life plan. I felt totally directionless for quite a while. Before you even think of saying that my situation was worse than yours -- it's really not. Love is love and a plan is a plan. Based on a couple of breakups I've had, I sometimes think it's easier to lose a person in death than to lose them to rejection or turmoil. You're right, breakups happen to almost everyone, but it doesn't make it any easier on the individual. You can learn and grow a lot from breakups, though, if you really pay attention. I'm very happy you're doing that!

 

[Tom]

Just in a general sense deep wounds take a long time to heal. In my experience it can be years, sometimes several before it has really faded and no longer is an active thing/emotion within you. Talking to or seeing the person can reopen the wound. So you have to see how it goes and if it is bringing on negative feelings (sadness, etc) maybe wait longer before communicating with them again.

Usually by the time the thing is really over inside you, too much time has passed and both have gone there separate ways. But I have had it happen, that meeting them again after it is trully over emotionally that a honest friendship is reforged. But this requires that neither party still has feelings and wishes to re-start a relationship.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="rainydays, after being dumped.
. Previously he had expressed a desire to remain friends, but I couldn't.[/QUOTE]

Hi Rainydays My sympathies to you, I got nuked in the middle of getting engaged, it hurt so bad I thought I would die, was sick for weeks, and it took a year for my head to feel right. She pulled that friends thing on me too, unkind if you ask me, why would I want to sit next to her with my heart bleeding all over the floor. So I made the break, got a couple pieces of unprovoked, unfair hate mail, she had broken up with me over the phone, then sent 2 more break up messages through family, even tho I was the one who offered to stay away because of her step mom hating on me. Than I got 2 more messages that we were permanantly broken up,So nice to hear. All this because her, and her step mom who wanted to keep her baby, (not mine), were trying to force me to agree to move into thier house of chaos.
News update: they called last night at 12pm, Step mom fought with my ex-es adopted sister maybe hit her too, than step mom took off in the car in a rage blew the engine. Step sister took pills and is now on a resparator in the hospital...my ex-girlfriend has fled to town with the baby... the river of suffering goes on.

So am I in favor of seeing the ex who dumped you...it's your, life your call...but my feeling is I did my best you cut the thread of love...I don't see why I should prolong my suffering so you feel less guilty...go away leave me to pick up the pieces...

Best wishes to you from Mael I hope you feel better soon..

 

[Maelstrom]

The step sister is recovering in rehab...the hospital called to say she might have died if we hadn't have rounded up the pill names for them. The father called my parents because he was worried about the dogs eating the pills on the floor. I told my parents to get over there fast and call in the pill names to the hospital.