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Honesty and masking

When I was young, because of the differences in perception and affect between me and my mother, every time I tried to genuinely express myself and my needs I was shut down as being confrontational. This led to a cycle of learning to mask my true self off and not letting people see the real me. The hard part is that it was not intentional and learning to let the appropriate people in is harder than learning to seem like a passable, albeit grumpy, NT in the first place. I believe other's similar experiences is what leads to this perceived dichotomy. If only people could say what they mean and mean what they say without all the figurative dance! Well, that would probably put them on the spectrum with us and just as exhausted with it all...
 
Gracey said:
Why does my honesty create offence and your brand of honesty gets you love and intimacy?
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It has to be adjusted to the fact that NTs, all too often, are not saying what they mean. They are speaking in code.

Does this make me look fat? is not about how fat they look. They want to know if this outfit is flattering or not. And we can honestly say, "I like the green one better."
 
flawedplan said:
Masking and passing and staying in the closet never got these communities a penny of the money that's coming to them.
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YES! True. And part of my Master Plan to remake my life since my diagnosis is allowing me to be loud and proud... while not jeopardizing the financial support of my chronically ill husband and four rescue cats.
 
Because part of radical honesty is decoding the NTs who aren't being honest so we can figure out what they really want.
 
flawedplan said:
One more thing I'll toss out there -- I have a background in disability rights advocacy. Not in the streets activism, but policy advocacy -- where you sit in legislative commitees and argue over Housing First Block Grants and Medicaid funding formulas. Masking and passing and staying in the closet never got these communities a penny of the money that's coming to them. Telling the truth about your social limitations can be a life or death decision. Not to mention totally transformative and liberating, but I said I'll stop now.
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Leaving aside your other thoughts, which seem rather glib and dismissive to me, the Autism and Asperger communities are not short of advocates, variously effective at pressing their agendas. But the majority of the 'money that's coming to them' is spent in researching a cure, not in providing positive educational opportunities and personal and workplace support to those of us already in the (undeniably) NT-dominated world. We, individually, have no alternative than to either withdraw from that world, or to join in with it. If we isolate ourselves we can largely exist as ourselves, but of course that means no opportunities. If we join in, we have no alternative than to mask, otherwise we are excluded and scorned because we are not understood and in fact continually misinterpreted.

And it is nothing to do with honesty. You conflate two entirely different things in linking them together. But then, that's a pretty good example of how we are not understood, and are continually misinterpreted.
 
WereBear said:
Because part of radical honesty is decoding the NTs who aren't being honest so we can figure out what they really want.
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Decoding NT's who aren't being honest so that we may figure out what they really want.?
Oh man, that's called guessing.?

I hope I'm on my next life when evolution introduces mind reading.
There we will see absolute honesty.
:)
 
WereBear said:
Because part of radical honesty is decoding the NTs who aren't being honest so we can figure out what they really want.
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That kind of feels like we are the subservient in a dysfunctional relationship, anxious to ensure our neurotic and scheming other half I kept happy, irrespective of our own happiness.

I prefer to think I'm moving through NT society like I'm in Mission Impossibe

Aspionage .

Tell my truth when I should, mask when I must, realise my strengths and gird my loins.

The centre of my universe is me, not the dysfunctional NT society into which I was born.
 
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I've often though that arguing with an aspie is like fighting smoke.

When Aspies argue there's this wonderful dance of smoke swirls twisting and swirling around each other.

No offence intended, but when NTs argue with us it's like watching Chuck Norris getting mad at the smoke and swinging and hitting nothing.
 
Full Steam said:
I've often though that arguing with an aspie is like fighting smoke.

When Aspies argue there's this wonderful dance of smoke swirls twisting and swirling around each other.

No offence intended, but when NTs argue with us it's like watching Chuck Norris getting mad at the smoke and swinging and hitting nothing.
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But they have a different purpose.... to destroy us as they cant win the argument.
 
Aha! I looked up rother but I still couldn't get what the saying meant. It sounded Old Testament. I think there may be innuendo?

Aspionage is great! Especially cos really we aren't cut out for undercover work. I would just say all the national secrets by accident. Oops.
 
My partner is always honest with me. He tells me if I put too much salt in the food, or if I have a stain on my clothes, or something like that, and I appreciate that, because it is helpful.. Sometimes, masking isn't very helpful because knowing the truth can help you to avoid further embarrassment later.
 
Yes that's in a trusting relationship where you know your partner means well. I find it's quite hard to take potentially negative feedback outside of that though. This may partly because due to hurtful parenting, although now I have understood my father must have had high autistic traits or Aspergers. However it leaves a legacy.
 
Thinx said:
Yes that's in a trusting relationship where you know your partner means well. I find it's quite hard to take potentially negative feedback outside of that though. This may partly because due to hurtful parenting, although now I have understood my father must have had high autistic traits or Aspergers. However it leaves a legacy.
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Yes, it is different coming from a stranger, because it's so hard to guage their intentions. I know that my partner means to help and not hurt, but with someone else I can't be sure.
 
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