Homeschooled or Autistic?

[Lactobuzzillus]

Before my sisters and I knew what neurodivergence was, we used to call it “homeschooled energy”. Turns out that so many other homeschooled kids we knew were neurodivergent that we subconsciously assumed it had something to do with homeschooling. I wonder if anyone else has made a similar connection?

I was thinking about it one day, and I ended up writing a parody of the “Gay or European” song from the Legally Blonde musical. It goes “Autistic or Homeschooled” instead. I wanted to share.

(It’s does poke fun a bit, so if any parts come across as offensive, I apologize. Hope you enjoy.)



There! Right there!

Look at the awkward way he stands

Look at the way he moves his hands

Look at him play with rubber bands

Oh he’s ND

Completely ND



I'm not about to celebrate

Every trait could indicate

A noggin that does not deviate

He’s not ND

See, not ND



That is the elephant in the room

Well, is it relevant to assume

That a man who tends to loom

Is automatically built differently?



But look at the tiptoed way he walks

Look at how endlessly he talks

There's the eternal paradox

Have we been fooled?



How are we fooled?

Is he autistic?

Of course he's autistic

Or is he homeschooled?



(Ohhhhh)



Autistic or homeschooled?

It’s hard to guarantee

Is he autistic or homeschooled?

Well hey, don’t look at me



You see they bring their boys up different

When they do it out of schools

They go by different rules

And tend to feel like social fools



Autistic or sheltered?

It’s anybody’s guess

They go talking helter-skeltered

About shows on PBS



(Oh, please)



Autistic or homeschooled?

Who knows what it could be?

Depending on the symptom,

It could be ADHD



Is he autistic or homeschooled, or—



There, right there!

Look at his handshake, it’s so firm

A look in the eyes without a squirm

That is a raised-at-home bookworm

He’s not ND, it couldn’t be



That is the elephant in the room

Well, is it relevant to presume

One whose interests oft consume



Is automatically, radically

Ironically, chronically

Certainly, flirtingly

Genetically, medically

ND, completely ND

Flapping ND ND N—

Dangit!



Autistic or homeschooled?

I wish he’d just relax

Is he autistic or homeschooled?

He knows a lot of facts



But they bring their boys up different there

There’s no one there to spurn

Their impulses to learn

Till they’ve past the point of no return



Autistic or domestic?

I think I’m on the fence

Yes, his life is quite agrestic

But he speaks with eloquence



(Huh)



Autistic or homeschooled?

Who knows what it could be?

Regardless, it’s a joy to see him

Talking eagerly



Is he autistic or homeschooled?

Autistic or homeschooled?

Autistic or—



Wait a minute

Give me a chance to crack this guy

I have an idea I’d like to try



The floor is yours



So, Mr. Baker.

This alleged bullying at youth group has been going on for…



2 years.



And your first name again is…?



Josiah.



And your favorite show is…



Thomas the…



(gasp)



I-I’m sorry!

I misunderstood!

You said “favorite show!”

I thought you said “favorite bro!”

Thomas is my brother!



You coward!

You lying coward!

That’s it, I won’t cover for you anymore!

People, I have a big announcement!

This man is autistic AND homeschooled!



(Woah!)



And neither’s a disgrace

You’ve gotta get your jets cooled

Get the mask off of your face



Nobody here could be fooled

The answer’s clear to see

I swear he’ll never, ever, ever fit in normally

You are ND, you big aspie

You gifted-child casualty

(I’m not!) I’ve seen your history



So pardon me, I’ll set it free

He’s autistic!



And homeschooled!



He’s autistic!



And homeschooled!



He’s autistic!



And homeschooled!

And autistic!



Fine, okay, I’m autistic!



Fantastic!

 

[1ForAll]

Your parody was nicely done! Our two sons are Autistic and Homeschooled too. Lots of the things you talk about relate to our kids. I think lots of parents who homeschool their children do so because of those differences that they feel the school systems would not accept because of their more rigid or less accommodating ways, regardless if IEP plans are used.

For the vigilant and caring parents that homeschool their children, they are more apt to let the children be themselves, and to go at their timing and pace, and to do things in their own ways, focusIng more on the things they love and can do, and not on other things that apply more to neurotypicals. We let them guide us just as much as we guide them.

We don't lower their expectations, but do not raise them either to lofty levels either. We let them be them, in the ways they desire, need and can handle, and focus on their strengths foremost and trying to see life through their eyes as much as possible, which I and my wife can on some level at least as each of us are ND too, but we as parents were not Homeschooled! So there may be your answer.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I am autistic, as is my daughter.

I homeschooled her nearly straight through k-12. There were a couple years, here and there, where I put her in public school, caving to the endless complaints from relatives of, "That girl needs to be in school". Never mind that I had her reading at three and a half and doing multiplication and division in Kindergarten. She was reading chapter books by first grade, and spending field trips at the zoo and art museum, and going to co-op homeschool groups.

She's now in one of the best universities in the country. Has nothing to do with my ability as an educator. Homeschooling allows a child to explore their passions, to learn to be a hardcore researcher.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I am autistic, as is my daughter.

I homeschooled her nearly straight through k-12. There were a couple years, here and there, where I put her in public school, caving to the endless complaints from relatives of, "That girl needs to be in school". Never mind that I had her reading at three and a half and doing multiplication and division in Kindergarten. She was reading chapter books by first grade, and spending field trips at the zoo and art museum, and going to co-op homeschool groups.

She's now in one of the best universities in the country. Has nothing to do with my ability as an educator. Homeschooling allows a child to explore their passions, to learn to be a hardcore researcher.

You are an awesome mom for doing that.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

You are an awesome mom for doing that.

Thank you

 

[Gerontius]

Excellent parody--Autistic and homeschooled here. It was weird. Homeschooling is awesome if done right; so often it's not, and the average "Christian curriculum" assumes the presumably NT kid is easy to make over as something else.

 

[Tom]

We homeschooled, and once I took a day off to accompany the wife and kids on the weekly Ski day. It was a local homeschool group's physical fitness program for the winter. I was standing in line for something and two teenage girls in the group were joking about how they look like Children of the Corn.

 

[Gerontius]

how they look like Children of the Corn.

We got asked "are y'all Mennonites" a few times too many.

 

[Sunny1]

Homeschooled ND and NT children. They got a lot broader education than the schools could give them. Plus all the extra time to explore museums, zoos, theatre, musical instruments, and beyond. And their teacher loved them. (-:

 

[Luca]

That is amazingly well-written. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
You are super talented!

 

[Gerontius]

Homeschooled ND and NT children. They got a lot broader education than the schools could give them. Plus all the extra time to explore museums, zoos, theatre, musical instruments, and beyond. And their teacher loved them. (-:

It's not all great. I spent basically my whole high school in my bedroom with the door closed, with only my books & a big gray Royal typewriter, doing correspondence classes. There was no exploration of theatre, because theater "was for gays" and I was so worried we didn't have money that I didn't want to ask for anything for myself either anyway. I couldn't practice the piano without having to walk on eggshells as my father really was on edge every time I would practice. (He hated the sound of the piano.) He wanted us to join in on a bunch of outdoors stuff which was of mixed interests--some was good and other parts were absolutely not. I was not really sure who the hell I even was & am still putting that together now.

If I one day take a wife & we end up with children I want to ensure they have the opportunities I had, but maybe it would not hurt them to have friends their own age. The cultlike atmosphere of religious homeschooling also kind of sucked.

Part of me says that the extra free time & all that as a homeschooler was great--part of me wishes I was a lot more normal.

I learned all kinds of things in home schooling: that climate change was fake, that everyone was by default heterosexual, that autism and ADHD were malingering (ok, now before anyone blames my parents, they weren't the ones reading the authors of my textbooks), and all kinds of other stuff. Really putting the cult back in culture. Let's not forget the textbooks for history class written to glorify the niche Catholic-supremacy historical perspective, the weird Protestant science classes that ignored the laws of physics and wasted my time with busywork about young-earth creationism, the weird skepticism towards anything normal. Actually, yes. Let's forget all that & move forward. The textbooks were so old that I ended up learning how to make a call on a hand-cranked party line telephone, and to send a "night letter" (telegram sent overnight because Western Union nighttime rates were lower than same-day rates.) Between that which was obsolete, and that which was erroneous, I've had to unlearn most of my high school education, which has been unpleasant as it was necessary.