Hiding stimms and compulsions from loved ones?

[zipho]

I was diagnosed when I was young and spent the majority of my school years learning how to be more mainstream. For the most part, I've been very successful and have a few (only 2) close friends and a few people who I can maybe call a friend on a day where I'm feeling exceptionally self aware. I've only been in one relationship, but I've been with people physically with no problem. I've even made it in the military (with some difficulties, but farely easy). But over the past few years, I've been hiding my aspergers from everyone. And to make it worse, I'm beginning to have many more OCD symptoms than I have had in the past. I've gone from simple stimming (like rubbing my head in circles, which I used to keep shaved just for that purpose), to full blown complusions.

I didn't really mind this at first, but now I'm in a very serious relationship and we're about to move in together. I've only recently told her about my aspergers, and she's noticed a few of my quirks but blamed it on the military, but once we're living together, I don't think I could hide this many complusions from her. Well, a lot of them change pretty often, but some are usually the same. Like the need to fix the closet before leaving. Sometimes I have to stack things. I have to rip paper apart and then put it back together. I have to put things upside down. I have to peel off labels too. Those are pretty reliable. But sometimes I get a random one, like wanting to vacuum. Or light a cigar. Once I neededto buy something from dunkin donuts, zaxbys micdonalds and walmart that were all the same price... that one was strange.

She's always been very understanding and pacient with me and when she has witnessed something strange I do, she's pretty much just like "aw, you're so obsessive". And she deals with my aspergers extremly well during hard times when I can't really control myself, but I don't know if maybe this is too much. She's about to live with me, and hopefully one day raise a family with me. So should I put more effort into "fixing myself", or try to curb it more, or just work with her and deal with it?

 

[LgndKllr24]

I really don't think it is something that you should try to hide. The best relationships are ones where two people love each other unconditionally and except each other for who they are, and it seems like that is what you have with her. That is the way my wife is, all the weird things that I do she finds endearing, which I'm glad for because I definitely do a lot of weird things. If you try to do things to change your stims, obsessions, etc. it will change who you are, and she probably will not like that. Now if your obsessions begin to really hinder you and cause a lot of problems, then that is different, but having some abnormal obsessions like you seem to have shouldn't do any harm.

 

[gonzerd]

I really don't think it is something that you should try to hide. The best relationships are ones where two people love each other unconditionally and except each other for who they are, and it seems like that is what you have with her.

I complete agree. You really need to be open about this in a relationship, otherwise it will only get worse and come back to bite you in the ass.
I had one long relationship where we lived together and all that. We didn't know at the time I had the aspergers and when I would do freaky things it would well... freak her out. We talked about it but she never really accepted it. And as I knew that it sort of upset her, I would try to keep it to myself or just not act on them, which, not surprisingly, doesn't work! We eventually called it quits, because, well, as time went on it became clear that she just really wanted to be normal, and I knew that was something I can't do. And she called me a retard once too often. But I digress.

It sounds as if she is really accepting you for who you are, whatever quirks are present, so I'd say to just keep being open about them, keep being yourself. Now living together isn't always that easy, so the need to compromise might eventually pop up, and some 'curbing' might be requested, but the only way to reach a satisfactory compromise is by having everything open on the table.

One of the great philosophers of our time, the honorable Christopher Rock, once said: "You got to love the crust of a mother****er. You can?t just love the white part of the bread. You gotta love the crust, the crumbs, the tiny crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. That?s what the real mother****er is."
I concur.

 

[LgndKllr24]

^^ Yeah that is definitely true. That was one of the things I was worried about the most in the past when I was wondering if I would ever meet somebody. I already knew that my personality was a bit strange compared to what was "mainstream" and I knew I wanted to meet somebody who would accept me for who I was, I wasn't willing to change for anybody. I was very thankful when I met my wife because of how accepting she was of every aspect of my personality, it was very refreshing. That's terrible that she was called you a retard though, that's completely uncalled for. I had a roommate for a few days in college that called me many derogatory things too, he once asked me if I sniffed paint when I was a kid. He was just an all around jerk, I never wanted anything to do with him ever again even after the first day.

 

[superboyian]

The key to a successful relationship however is to be honest with each other because hiding things would actually make situations difficult between the two indiviuals who are in a relationship... She would find it harder to trust and you would find it harder to carry on through the relationship.

Also, if she is accepting you for who you are and you doing the same will also mean you both would definitely have a good chance in the relationship.

I've only recently told her about my aspergers, and she's noticed a few of my quirks but blamed it on the military

Did you try explaining it to her in detail or did she just automatically assume after you told her which then she came up with that?

I've gone from simple stimming (like rubbing my head in circles, which I used to keep shaved just for that purpose), to full blown complusions.

I've also noticed that, when I started being in a relationship I was actually stimming far more than I would normally would because of the excitment there was and it was much harder to actually hide it from others.

Could it be that which could make your stimming worse?

 

[katcha]

I've not read your post as it's... well, too many words and I suffer perpetual boredom so... I'm only replying to the title

You shouldn't hide any aspect of yourself, just be yourself or your relationship is meaningless and a lie.

I've acted weird all my life, and noone was interested in me. But one fateful day at an autism seminar, my wife saw me! And all those weird stims, my weirdness, my awkwardness. She liked all that! She liked me... for being me.

That's the only thing you should be seeking in a relationship.

 

[Slithytoves]

Congratulations on finding a partner who is so accepting. I wish you a long and happy relationship.

superboyian makes a good observation, that excitement surrounding your relationship could possibly ramp up your stims and OC behaviors. Mental excitement generates nervous energy. Given that you plan on moving in together soon, you may find it hard to modulate your behaviors for a while, even if you really want to. It could cause you a lot of undue stress.

I wouldn't suppress/hide my symptoms if I were in your situation. Suppression gives the energy nowhere to go, leading to a buildup of tension that will eventually come out some other way -- maybe one that's less harmless to the relationship. You have the benefit of an understanding mate who allows you to be yourself, so I'd say you should do just that. Keep an eye on your behavior and make sure she knows she can tell you if she notices anything that starts to concern her. Open and honest communication about your Asperger's and its manifestations will help her learn about you, and how to be your best possible partner. Consider it a exercise in trust with someone you love.

 

[Judge]

Hiding stims and compulsions? Not at my age.

You gotta take me as I am. Or find the door....

 

[AsheSkyler]

I have my public stims and my private stims. My public stims I mostly don't mind doing if there are other people nearby. Leg bouncing, thoughtfully tapping a chin, those kinda things. My private stims I go to great lengths to hide because I find them a bit embarrassing. Sometimes if I get a strong urge to do them in public, I take a quick survey to make sure nobody is looking in my direction either directly or from a reflected surface. Kinda like how there is no shame in relieving yourself but you still prefer to be hidden behind a bathroom stall to do so. They're just itty bitty twitches, but itty bitty twitches I don't want other people to see.

 

[Harrison]

Hiding stims and compulsions? Not at my age.

You gotta take me as I am. Or find the door....

With you there Judge.

Fortunately my stims aren't too bad (I think), although Slithy may disagree Listening to me sing hour after hour has got to get on your nerves