LuApe
New Member
Hi,
you can read my real name in my nickname ^^
First of all i have to apologize for my bad English and if sentences doesn't make sense please feel free to correct me and/or ask me what i mean. ( Also if this whole thing doesn't make sense)
I'm here because i had two seminars in which we discussed about autism. The first one was last year in October. Before that i only knew the "really hard" cases with "kanner-autism". After the seminar i realized that my weaknesses are pretty much the same as the ones you can read in every generalized internet post about asperger. but my symptoms were pretty different + i don't remember my childhood well enough, which is pretty important for a diagnosis as i read, in order to say that i'm an aspie. So i settled down with the idea of being an Asperger. Although it really bothered me.
This time, my lecturer erased the point why i said, back in October i can't be an aspie it's only my character. He told me that aspies are not as organized as they always seem to be too others, it's just the change which they can't handle. And that fits to me really well.
+ i read about aspie girls and their generalized description on the internet fits to me much better than the one for boys.
Now i will describe myself, note that it's my impression, which is mostly my thoughts + the reactions that i can interpret exactly others show me. please remember i will write down things which i think fit to asperger if i'm wrong, if i miss something please tell me.( writing this feels like being a small child crying for help)
In my early childhood i remember only one thing which really interested me was the relationship between parents and their children, i had puppets i played with and in the kindergarten we mostly played a game called "mother father child" which simulated this. but then came a point were i realized that was something i couldn't be, because i'm male. So i started to be into knights and the medieval time. Of course not the realistic view, just the romanticized version. I dreamed of being a knight who fought for his honor. There was a book my mother always read to me i could tell by heart.
In the kindergarden i don't remember too much, but i always had friends. I kept in mind two times i visited them, where i couldn't handle the setting of not being at home. One is when i wanted to do a sleepover at a friends house. Everything was fine till we went to bed. At that moment i realized i would gonna stay there and my head blocked, I started crying and my mom had to came. I think this reaction is pretty normal for childs, but it wasn't like i needed especially her( at the first thought) it was just me realizing this evening was totally different to my normal routine and that was the moment my head collapse. The second time was at a birthday party. We all went into their cellar in order to search some sweets. Sometimes when i'm in my thoughts time flies by, and i supposed that happened, because i remember being suddenly alone in a strange cellar. That was unsettling, but not the problem. The problem was i found no sweets anymore cause the others took them and when i made my way back to the apartment, everybody was already sitting at a table. I think her mother asked my where i stayed and my head thought i had done everything wrong and started crying. I guess cause i believed to be non worthy of the group anymore. ( The same thing happened to me when i was like 14 or 15 years old and i went to another birthday. Everything i knew was that we would play with some Gameboys and as I knew that would be the only thing we would do. So when i realized that i had forgotten my gameboy and my mom didn't wanted to drive back, i also started crying, cause i again thought i would't fit in the group anymore). After that school came and a new setting. I remember it to me as something challenging although, i neither could understand why my friends had now other friends too nor how to really make new friends. But then we moved to another place and finding friends was easy again, because it wasn't a group which had to be built, but a built one i could fit in. I was the new one in the village, i was interesting so they invited me to play with them.( It was very easy cause it was a small village, where all young boys and girls played together). I'm realizing this is gonna get very long if i continue like that, so from now on i will shorten things up, if it's not detailed enough please ask. I had the same problem like in the other school, i couldn't understand how to make friends, because outside my group, like in my soccer team or other hobbies i never had friends.
+ I didn't understand the organization between the people in my group, the term "best friend" was something i interpreted as the best friend of somebody, not like a political thing like it was. And other things like that prevented me from changing anything in that system. There were other things like i cried, cause i had a 3 in math, just because was supposed to have a 1 or 2 (my parents didn't really cared about my grades). At the end of my 2nd class my director told my parents that i would be highly gifted. My parents doubted that, but after a test i jumped from class 3 to class 4 and went to school for highly gifted students. Too cut a long story short, the beginning was awful, cause i had to go to a boarding school during the week and i had homesickness every night. I remember to memorizing every name i heard, from students i would never talk with, just because it made me feel safe giving him a name. Finding friends was hard too and it didn't really worked out, until somebody told me that he wants to be my friend. To tell exactly he was only the one, but it helped a lot. he was at the boarding school like me, so we moved together in a room and things started to get better. In this school it was the first time i realized i couldn't understand the jokes of the others, without thinking about it a lot ( sometimes a whole day without understanding it). There was a "special" moment when a teacher told me, cause i gave the wrong answer, "the hair stylist, would have cut my knowledge of too". Thing was, I knew she didn't mean it, but because at the first moment i believed what she said, it was like a punch in the face with club.
I'm sure this is not enough, but i kinda feel like i shouldn't tell my whole story although i should cause is started it. So following i will notice a few more things, and if you want to hear more i can write another post/thread/ i don't know i'm not often in such forums.
When school ended my whole way of life was different and when i started studying i had massive problems to socialize. At the beginning, because i didn't know hot to find friends, after that, because i didn't know how to treat them, how they would see me and so on. So i shut myself down from them( can i say that like this? i guess not).
At my momentary work, at the beginning it was very hard to look into their eyes, i trembled with my foot and was generally nervous about everything, cause it's way afar from my home.
If they don't give me clear orders i dunno what to do. Like, "Tomorrow, you don't have to come."
I don't understand this, like is working so bad, i won't come now, or is it like if you are a good boy you'll come? Or like "You wanna go with this, another or the other child?" MAN I DON'T KNOW, HOW CAN I DECIDE? ( I'm working as a supervisor in a boarding school).
I don't like to tidy up my room, neither going to a hair stylist, nor calling strange people.
For the last thing i know a story: " When i was a child we often went to a wildlife park, where they had a falconry. I always wanted to do, like they did in their shows, but when my mom and me went to the guy who owned the thing and i had to ask, i couldn't speak, nor move, trembled and cried.
And I don't like to touch strange people, although strange is not true, the only physical touch i like is when it's my parents, my siblings or my children( the ones i supervise, i guess cause i know them by heart and they are just like siblings to me)
I'm sorry i should have done this more structured, but somehow i'm not able? I don't know.
Hopefully you can help me
LuApe
you can read my real name in my nickname ^^
First of all i have to apologize for my bad English and if sentences doesn't make sense please feel free to correct me and/or ask me what i mean. ( Also if this whole thing doesn't make sense)
I'm here because i had two seminars in which we discussed about autism. The first one was last year in October. Before that i only knew the "really hard" cases with "kanner-autism". After the seminar i realized that my weaknesses are pretty much the same as the ones you can read in every generalized internet post about asperger. but my symptoms were pretty different + i don't remember my childhood well enough, which is pretty important for a diagnosis as i read, in order to say that i'm an aspie. So i settled down with the idea of being an Asperger. Although it really bothered me.
This time, my lecturer erased the point why i said, back in October i can't be an aspie it's only my character. He told me that aspies are not as organized as they always seem to be too others, it's just the change which they can't handle. And that fits to me really well.
+ i read about aspie girls and their generalized description on the internet fits to me much better than the one for boys.
Now i will describe myself, note that it's my impression, which is mostly my thoughts + the reactions that i can interpret exactly others show me. please remember i will write down things which i think fit to asperger if i'm wrong, if i miss something please tell me.( writing this feels like being a small child crying for help)
In my early childhood i remember only one thing which really interested me was the relationship between parents and their children, i had puppets i played with and in the kindergarten we mostly played a game called "mother father child" which simulated this. but then came a point were i realized that was something i couldn't be, because i'm male. So i started to be into knights and the medieval time. Of course not the realistic view, just the romanticized version. I dreamed of being a knight who fought for his honor. There was a book my mother always read to me i could tell by heart.
In the kindergarden i don't remember too much, but i always had friends. I kept in mind two times i visited them, where i couldn't handle the setting of not being at home. One is when i wanted to do a sleepover at a friends house. Everything was fine till we went to bed. At that moment i realized i would gonna stay there and my head blocked, I started crying and my mom had to came. I think this reaction is pretty normal for childs, but it wasn't like i needed especially her( at the first thought) it was just me realizing this evening was totally different to my normal routine and that was the moment my head collapse. The second time was at a birthday party. We all went into their cellar in order to search some sweets. Sometimes when i'm in my thoughts time flies by, and i supposed that happened, because i remember being suddenly alone in a strange cellar. That was unsettling, but not the problem. The problem was i found no sweets anymore cause the others took them and when i made my way back to the apartment, everybody was already sitting at a table. I think her mother asked my where i stayed and my head thought i had done everything wrong and started crying. I guess cause i believed to be non worthy of the group anymore. ( The same thing happened to me when i was like 14 or 15 years old and i went to another birthday. Everything i knew was that we would play with some Gameboys and as I knew that would be the only thing we would do. So when i realized that i had forgotten my gameboy and my mom didn't wanted to drive back, i also started crying, cause i again thought i would't fit in the group anymore). After that school came and a new setting. I remember it to me as something challenging although, i neither could understand why my friends had now other friends too nor how to really make new friends. But then we moved to another place and finding friends was easy again, because it wasn't a group which had to be built, but a built one i could fit in. I was the new one in the village, i was interesting so they invited me to play with them.( It was very easy cause it was a small village, where all young boys and girls played together). I'm realizing this is gonna get very long if i continue like that, so from now on i will shorten things up, if it's not detailed enough please ask. I had the same problem like in the other school, i couldn't understand how to make friends, because outside my group, like in my soccer team or other hobbies i never had friends.
+ I didn't understand the organization between the people in my group, the term "best friend" was something i interpreted as the best friend of somebody, not like a political thing like it was. And other things like that prevented me from changing anything in that system. There were other things like i cried, cause i had a 3 in math, just because was supposed to have a 1 or 2 (my parents didn't really cared about my grades). At the end of my 2nd class my director told my parents that i would be highly gifted. My parents doubted that, but after a test i jumped from class 3 to class 4 and went to school for highly gifted students. Too cut a long story short, the beginning was awful, cause i had to go to a boarding school during the week and i had homesickness every night. I remember to memorizing every name i heard, from students i would never talk with, just because it made me feel safe giving him a name. Finding friends was hard too and it didn't really worked out, until somebody told me that he wants to be my friend. To tell exactly he was only the one, but it helped a lot. he was at the boarding school like me, so we moved together in a room and things started to get better. In this school it was the first time i realized i couldn't understand the jokes of the others, without thinking about it a lot ( sometimes a whole day without understanding it). There was a "special" moment when a teacher told me, cause i gave the wrong answer, "the hair stylist, would have cut my knowledge of too". Thing was, I knew she didn't mean it, but because at the first moment i believed what she said, it was like a punch in the face with club.
I'm sure this is not enough, but i kinda feel like i shouldn't tell my whole story although i should cause is started it. So following i will notice a few more things, and if you want to hear more i can write another post/thread/ i don't know i'm not often in such forums.
When school ended my whole way of life was different and when i started studying i had massive problems to socialize. At the beginning, because i didn't know hot to find friends, after that, because i didn't know how to treat them, how they would see me and so on. So i shut myself down from them( can i say that like this? i guess not).
At my momentary work, at the beginning it was very hard to look into their eyes, i trembled with my foot and was generally nervous about everything, cause it's way afar from my home.
If they don't give me clear orders i dunno what to do. Like, "Tomorrow, you don't have to come."
I don't understand this, like is working so bad, i won't come now, or is it like if you are a good boy you'll come? Or like "You wanna go with this, another or the other child?" MAN I DON'T KNOW, HOW CAN I DECIDE? ( I'm working as a supervisor in a boarding school).
I don't like to tidy up my room, neither going to a hair stylist, nor calling strange people.
For the last thing i know a story: " When i was a child we often went to a wildlife park, where they had a falconry. I always wanted to do, like they did in their shows, but when my mom and me went to the guy who owned the thing and i had to ask, i couldn't speak, nor move, trembled and cried.
And I don't like to touch strange people, although strange is not true, the only physical touch i like is when it's my parents, my siblings or my children( the ones i supervise, i guess cause i know them by heart and they are just like siblings to me)
I'm sorry i should have done this more structured, but somehow i'm not able? I don't know.
Hopefully you can help me
LuApe
