Hi from The Lorax

[The Lorax]

Hey all. I wanted to join this forum for two reasons. #1 to help, #2 to gain information.

I am a neurotypical. I believe I had ADD when I was young. I am incredibly smart but barely got through high school and college. Looking back I don't know how I did so damn poorly barely passing with a "C" average in below average classes. My I.Q. is 135 and I run my own software design company.

So what? Sounds like you made it. Big Deal...

Well here is the second part. My wife didn't know she had ASD+ADD until she was in her 40s. She only knew because we had our son diagnosed. She is brilliant with 10 I.Q. points on me as is my son. So I live and have to be the executive function for two ASD people in the house. My son is in all advanced classes but gets overloaded quickly. He does well on tests. He is basically a clone of my wife with some differences. One has depression, the other anxiety disorder.

So why is this important?

Because I took a lot of time to educate myself on all the conditions. I am self aware and a critical thinker. I believe I can help people with ASD/ADD/Anxiety understand neurotypicals and deal with them. Being self aware means I get annoyed at all the things my wife and son do that are ASD but I understand the reasons why. My annoyance is only because I am neurotypical and expect certain basic behaviors that they simply don't have. So I can navigate my own behaviors to remove them and stay calm.

What I do find is that other neurotypicals are way less accepting and understanding of ASD and ADD. My wife has been fired so many times from high paying jobs because people didn't understand her. She didn't know the politics. She stepped on some neurotypical's fragile ego because she is an incredibly smart woman that doesn't need mansplaining. What I love about ASD people is that they never judge. Everyone is treated fairly and the same. To me people with ASD seem more human than neurotypical people. They are very practical.

From all the years with both of them I find that they are the ones that are normal and neurotypicals are the dysfunctional ones. So I help other neurotypical spouses understand their not neurotypical spouses. I have studied psychology and neurology to get a better grasp on what is going on inside the human mind. So I hope I can offer something the everyone.

I read a lot of stories of ASD situations, children, families and I have to say I think I am lucky. My wife and son's issues are not as bad as many of the stories I read. I don't know if it is because I help them a lot and realize their needs so their stress and anxiety are lower... OR if other families don't have the tools to deal with people with ASD. It isn't easy for me at times. I have to manage my son every day for what he has to do. It takes months to get him to do things instinctively and naturally. He "forgets" a lot. He gets distracted "SQUIRREL" by so many things. It's a big load on me but I can handle it and we are a happy family with me being literally the dumbest one of the bunch, but the most wise.

The other half is that sometimes my son does things I simply don't understand and can't find answers to. Since my wife is female at times her perspective is different because ASD is different in men than women. So I might need another parent's perspective with a son or a male's perspective.

Hope I can help ASD navigate the intolerable world of neurotypicals.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome! Your wife and son are lucky to have you help them navigate the world

 

[Mia]

Welcome to the forum Lorax

 

[OkRad]

welcome! You really described a lot of things people here will totally understand. Maybe your wife will join us, too!

 

[tree]

 

[Neonatal RRT]

In my experience, there is a combination of frustration and animosity amongst many folks within the autistic community against the so-called neurotypical community. One of the very first YouTube lectures I found on Asperger's condition was by Dr. Tony Attwood. In it, he said,...paraphrasing,..."I don't worry about Aspies, but I am concerned about neurotypical's attitudes toward someone different than themselves." My personal experience with it, as well as anecdotal accounts from others on this forum, would be consistent with this sentiment.

I find it interesting that one of the descriptors used to diagnose an individual with an ASD has something to do with a preoccupation with strict routines and sameness. I would agree with some of this, but only on a small scale,...foods, clothing, daily routines, etc. What I find more often, is the neurotypical who is also preoccupied with strict routines and sameness on a much grander scale,...most obvious, being toxic social "tribalism" (race, skin color, religion, LGTBQ, political affiliation, rural vs urban). A person with an ASD might have anxieties with going to the market to buy food because of sensory issues,...but a neurotypical might have anxieties traveling from a rural area to the "big city", or traveling abroad because they might have to interact with people different than themselves. The neurotypical world is full of discrimination,...both passive and active,...as of late, political and racial tensions are a bad as they've ever been, it seems. Seems to me that it might be the "pot calling the kettle black." The interesting thing, many people with ASDs, because they are neurodivergent and/or independent thinkers, simply look at this whole social situation with a bit of confusion, anger, and disgust.

I also find this neurotypical preoccupation with "sameness" in all the guidelines, rules, policies & procedures, and laws we deal with on a daily basis. I work in the medical field, so we have what is known as "standard of practice". Standard of practice is an interesting concept. Basically, it is the "standard" by which care will be given based upon the best available evidence. Here is the interesting part,...and the part that frustrates me most,..."What if the current standard of practice still causes harm?" Which it often does. At some point, someone, somewhere, has to commit themselves to changing that potentially harmful standard of practice in order for medicine to move forward. A simple concept,...but one that is fraught with liability and risk,...and as such, is a great inhibitor of forward progress. Most of the medical staff I work with,...they have zero interest in sticking their necks out and doing something different, but would rather "hide" behind the "safe practice" as dictated by the "standard". In many areas of the neurotypical world, "neurodivergence" is not tolerated,...yet, at no point in human history has anyone, ever, made significant advances in the sciences and the arts by doing something the same as everyone else. History has shown that many of these so-called "great minds", by accounts of their lives,...were likely on the autism spectrum.

Furthermore, most neurotypicals, when presented with new ideas, are not receptive. I have had rooftop solar and electric cars for 5 years now,...I am saving thousands of dollars a year from my pre-solar/EV budget. I have brought this up to my neurotypical co-workers,..."Wow!" they say,...but will be perfectly content on paying extra to the utility companies, raising gasoline prices, constant vehicle maintenance, polluting the Earth, etc. Bring up any new idea at work. What do you get? Anxiety and complaints. Many would rather think that sticking money into a savings account earning zero interest is better financial advice than taking that same money and investing it to actually make money,...in some cases, a lot of money. It's a strange way of going about the world, in my opinion. Many would rather be stuck in the mud than grab a helping hand out of it,...it seems a bit sad and self-destructive,...but I've long stopped having any compassion for such foolish behavior.

So,...do I have an issue with this attitude of superiority over those with an ASD,...as if there is something so wrong with being autistic? Absolutely. Do I have a deep desire to be somehow "more neurotypical" so I can fit in with their world? No. In fact, as I am rereading this post, I may be using the language "ASD", the "D" being a "disorder" in the wrong way,...as I am thinking that perhaps,...being "neurotypical" is actually associated with far more disordered behavior. I may be more inclined to use the language "ASC", the "C" for "condition".

 

[Gift2humanity]

Hey all. I wanted to join this forum for two reasons. #1 to help, #2 to gain information.

I am a neurotypical. I believe I had ADD when I was young. I am incredibly smart but barely got through high school and college. Looking back I don't know how I did so damn poorly barely passing with a "C" average in below average classes. My I.Q. is 135 and I run my own software design company.

So what? Sounds like you made it. Big Deal...

Well here is the second part. My wife didn't know she had ASD+ADD until she was in her 40s. She only knew because we had our son diagnosed. She is brilliant with 10 I.Q. points on me as is my son. So I live and have to be the executive function for two ASD people in the house. My son is in all advanced classes but gets overloaded quickly. He does well on tests. He is basically a clone of my wife with some differences. One has depression, the other anxiety disorder.

So why is this important?

Because I took a lot of time to educate myself on all the conditions. I am self aware and a critical thinker. I believe I can help people with ASD/ADD/Anxiety understand neurotypicals and deal with them. Being self aware means I get annoyed at all the things my wife and son do that are ASD but I understand the reasons why. My annoyance is only because I am neurotypical and expect certain basic behaviors that they simply don't have. So I can navigate my own behaviors to remove them and stay calm.

What I do find is that other neurotypicals are way less accepting and understanding of ASD and ADD. My wife has been fired so many times from high paying jobs because people didn't understand her. She didn't know the politics. She stepped on some neurotypical's fragile ego because she is an incredibly smart woman that doesn't need mansplaining. What I love about ASD people is that they never judge. Everyone is treated fairly and the same. To me people with ASD seem more human than neurotypical people. They are very practical.

From all the years with both of them I find that they are the ones that are normal and neurotypicals are the dysfunctional ones. So I help other neurotypical spouses understand their not neurotypical spouses. I have studied psychology and neurology to get a better grasp on what is going on inside the human mind. So I hope I can offer something the everyone.

I read a lot of stories of ASD situations, children, families and I have to say I think I am lucky. My wife and son's issues are not as bad as many of the stories I read. I don't know if it is because I help them a lot and realize their needs so their stress and anxiety are lower... OR if other families don't have the tools to deal with people with ASD. It isn't easy for me at times. I have to manage my son every day for what he has to do. It takes months to get him to do things instinctively and naturally. He "forgets" a lot. He gets distracted "SQUIRREL" by so many things. It's a big load on me but I can handle it and we are a happy family with me being literally the dumbest one of the bunch, but the most wise.

The other half is that sometimes my son does things I simply don't understand and can't find answers to. Since my wife is female at times her perspective is different because ASD is different in men than women. So I might need another parent's perspective with a son or a male's perspective.

Hope I can help ASD navigate the intolerable world of neurotypicals.

Welcome to the forums.

 

[Wolfsage]

Hi.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome, I hope that you enjoy it here, join in and make some threads etc. It sounds like you have lots of useful ideas, based on your experience.

 

[Alexej]

HI and welcome @The Lorax

 

[GaminAspy]

Hi and Welcome Lorax, I found your post informative.

 

[Major Tom]

Hello and welcome. I do not believe there is any such thing as "normal". I also don't put a lot of stock in IQ. I've met people with an IQ of around 50 that can do way more with their minds than I can at nearly thrice that.

But anyways, welcome.

 

[The Lorax]

Wow such a great welcome. My wife is to busy doing her wife things to join forums. One good thing about her is that she is that 1 in 20 women that has the engineer brain. She likes to be left alone often. We do something many nights but she is definitely different than pretty much any other woman I dated my whole life. She is practical, thoughtful, and a better person than I am. But nope she won't come to the forums. She doesn't even like talking on the phone. She is a self declared introvert. I am fairly well balanced between introvert and extrovert but like a doppleganger I can adapt to either scenario easily.

@Neonatal RRT
https://www.autismforums.com/members/neonatal-rrt.25395/
Very well said statements. So let me rephrase what the word "normal" means because I erred. It actually means "average". Since NTs are the dominant part of humanity they are the "average", expected, or normal. But you are absolutely right on what and where negative traits are categorized by NTs. I always used to say the following to people when they made fun of those who played Dungeons and Dragons.

What is the difference between a person who loves football, dresses in their shirts, wears their hats, goes to their games vs a person who plays D&D? Oh yea your party is larger by several tens of thousands and you have your own stadium, that's it.

So many of the things other people do that aren't accepted is because the average humans don't accept it. If you have purple and green stripped hair people will look at you weirdly. But if you had brown hair in a world of purple and green stripped hair you would be the weirdo.

Just like in any country the dominant culture subjugates the minority culture. It's human nature to be wary of those who don't look like you, think like you, act like you, worship the same god as you, or talk like you.

But some ASD traits can be harmful to a person's chance to survive that involve no one else. Poor executive function can lead to financial ruin. Poor social skills can lead to them not realizing they are in danger or being taken advantage of.

As for intelligence noted above I subscribe to Gardner's 7 intelligence. While cognitive intelligence isn't the king of a successful life it is the largest factor that contributes to it. You can have a high I.Q., low social intelligence, not be creative, and still be very successful. But it is much harder when I.Q. is low and the other attributes are high.

One YT channel I do highly recommend to people with ASD is Charisma on Command. They do an amazing job of explaining how people are, how to gain their confidence, how to interact with them. I've watched a lot of their videos and using their techniques have become natural to me. They do a good job explaining what is in people's minds, how your actions affect them, and how to improve on it.