jayrod211
Member
I was going to post this in the "What are your biggest burdens and gifts" thread I somehow found, but realized that nobody had posted on the thread in almost 3 months and I didn't want to be that guy. I figure it works as an introductory post, though, so that's cool.
I write stories, memorize all sorts of mindless trivia, and collect old globes and maps. I'm oddly proud of my ability to navigate traffic and always be passing people without speeding and erratically changing lanes like a maniac, and I'm relentlessly judgmental of myself and others.
I am newly diagnosed after 36 years of wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Well, probably less than that. I don't think I realized I was too different until 1st or 2nd grade. I tend to vacillate between being grateful for the explanation of how I think/feel/react to things, and wishing that I was still ignorant of it all and pretending that it was everyone else who was somehow wrong.
Either way, this is what I've discovered about me and ASD so far:
The Good - I'm my friends' walking dictionary/thesaurus and their encyclopedia of 18th-19th century Europe. I guess that's useful occasionally...at least when they ask me to spell things or if they're using the right word. I don't field many questions from them on Napoleonic France.
The Bad
I'm a slave to my routines. When there's unexpected (and even sometimes planned for and expected) change I either have an outburst or shut down.
I have an overwhelming urge to correct others and tell them what they don't know about something. I've been told people don't like this. I don't get it, because when someone tells me something I didn't know or was something I was doing wrong and they tell me the right way to do it, I learned something and that's awesome. I wish other people felt the same way because then I would talk a lot more.
Until they get to know me, people assume I'm lying all the time because I have such a problem making eye contact. The irony is that I'm almost incapable of lying and I can't make regular eye contact with someone until I've decided they're not going to stab me in the face if I make a mistake. This takes me way longer than most people I've figured out. Usually by the time I've decided I can almost trust someone, they've already written me off and moved on. I don't have a whole lot friends. The ones I do have that are willing put up with me and help keep me in line because they like me are saints, though.
I'm easily distracted by pretty much anything else when someone is talking in a conversation. Also, because of the eye contact thing, when I think it's my turn to talk, sometimes I'll keep talking and only realize somewhat later they've turned away or walked away and I've been talking to myself. It's embarrassing.
I don't know how to act around other people. I try to be nice to everyone, but only because I know my default setting is "kind of a jerk" if I don't keep a constant eye on my own behavior. It's exhausting.
I barely trust anyone, even on the most basic level, because I tend to believe they're being just as fake as me (see above line). I don't like compliments. This one really sucks because the only thing I want in this life is to genuinely connect with another human being. I don't feel like any woman I've ever dated or any friend I've ever had has ever really gotten to know the real me. I know in my head I have some really good friends, but my instincts are always telling me that betrayal is right around the corner. It's a constant battle.
When someone touches me uninvited I react in a (let's be kind) extremely negative manner.
I don't do sarcasm at all. I don't get it. I don't use it. Everything I say I mean 100% and I guess in this society that's drenched in sarcasm and irony I don't fit in.
I don't know if this is related to it, but I have problems putting names with faces unless I've seen them a whole bunch. This is weird, but I'm only really able to recognize people by their voices to start.
The worst part for me is the overwhelming desire to be normal and fit in. Then there's the disconnect and resulting depression that comes from knowing that's impossible. I didn't ask for this.
I write stories, memorize all sorts of mindless trivia, and collect old globes and maps. I'm oddly proud of my ability to navigate traffic and always be passing people without speeding and erratically changing lanes like a maniac, and I'm relentlessly judgmental of myself and others.
I am newly diagnosed after 36 years of wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Well, probably less than that. I don't think I realized I was too different until 1st or 2nd grade. I tend to vacillate between being grateful for the explanation of how I think/feel/react to things, and wishing that I was still ignorant of it all and pretending that it was everyone else who was somehow wrong.
Either way, this is what I've discovered about me and ASD so far:
The Good - I'm my friends' walking dictionary/thesaurus and their encyclopedia of 18th-19th century Europe. I guess that's useful occasionally...at least when they ask me to spell things or if they're using the right word. I don't field many questions from them on Napoleonic France.
The Bad
I'm a slave to my routines. When there's unexpected (and even sometimes planned for and expected) change I either have an outburst or shut down.
I have an overwhelming urge to correct others and tell them what they don't know about something. I've been told people don't like this. I don't get it, because when someone tells me something I didn't know or was something I was doing wrong and they tell me the right way to do it, I learned something and that's awesome. I wish other people felt the same way because then I would talk a lot more.
Until they get to know me, people assume I'm lying all the time because I have such a problem making eye contact. The irony is that I'm almost incapable of lying and I can't make regular eye contact with someone until I've decided they're not going to stab me in the face if I make a mistake. This takes me way longer than most people I've figured out. Usually by the time I've decided I can almost trust someone, they've already written me off and moved on. I don't have a whole lot friends. The ones I do have that are willing put up with me and help keep me in line because they like me are saints, though.
I'm easily distracted by pretty much anything else when someone is talking in a conversation. Also, because of the eye contact thing, when I think it's my turn to talk, sometimes I'll keep talking and only realize somewhat later they've turned away or walked away and I've been talking to myself. It's embarrassing.
I don't know how to act around other people. I try to be nice to everyone, but only because I know my default setting is "kind of a jerk" if I don't keep a constant eye on my own behavior. It's exhausting.
I barely trust anyone, even on the most basic level, because I tend to believe they're being just as fake as me (see above line). I don't like compliments. This one really sucks because the only thing I want in this life is to genuinely connect with another human being. I don't feel like any woman I've ever dated or any friend I've ever had has ever really gotten to know the real me. I know in my head I have some really good friends, but my instincts are always telling me that betrayal is right around the corner. It's a constant battle.
When someone touches me uninvited I react in a (let's be kind) extremely negative manner.
I don't do sarcasm at all. I don't get it. I don't use it. Everything I say I mean 100% and I guess in this society that's drenched in sarcasm and irony I don't fit in.
I don't know if this is related to it, but I have problems putting names with faces unless I've seen them a whole bunch. This is weird, but I'm only really able to recognize people by their voices to start.
The worst part for me is the overwhelming desire to be normal and fit in. Then there's the disconnect and resulting depression that comes from knowing that's impossible. I didn't ask for this.
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