HFA boyfriend keeps wanting to leave because of stress

[All-Rounder]

He basically left every serious talk we had and if not I left once because he kept saying he couldn't take it anymore. He did confirm that he gets insecure with fights but we never argue, we're civil and apologize if needed. Lately he does not get involved in talks so I have no idea what he feels or thinks, and often times he considered leaving prior to me finding out. Sometimes it was too late to be able to do anything about it, to tell him anything to try to help.

Once he slept with someone the day after breaking up with me. Recent breakup hes been hanging with his ex and he said he still has feelings for him and considers dating him but is trying to get him off his mind, even though this time he seemed much more convinced that he wanted me. I had to do something about it so I asked him to stop talking to his ex because he should only share such feelings with me. He wasn't happy about it and hes been resenting me for it even though he said he di8dnt, he started being distant and so I told him i know it's hard and Im there for him. After a few days he commented that i should not seem so glad about it because he is losing a friend. So I guess he was upset about it. But he said hes doing it.
His ex for some reason felt the need to tell him that he has started dating someone, seems peculiar. My bf didn't tell him he is dating someone not even then but replied to him but he told me he would fix the issue and tell him hes taken but he did not and he told med the issue was fixed and i asked if he told him and he lied and answered yes. I asked to see the logs which I asked if i could have prior when he said he would get himself to tell him. He ignored my asking twice but then sent it to me so I saw that he lied.

Recently I had a panic attack when we were supposed to be having sex[we date online] and since I have a new job and caught a virus which didn't let me sleep 5 nights i was stresesed and tired and also he seemed to show more attraction than these past two years lately, before I could not even get him to want it in the first year. he recently said he stresses a lot, as normally I felt compelled to ask if he wants to leave and he said he doesn't know.

Now if you ask me he feels better and called me his and restarted touching me and holding hands. But I still worry and I want to ask you guys maybe you have something good to say for us. Hes tried everything and nothing worked for stress except for breakups but if he does it for the stress then why does he always sleep with others? He said he tried to move on from me last time and so have i until he told me he will never date me again which got me to get scared and start to pursue him again. He Said he is upset that I got him to Date me again after Having said he won't do it again. He can't keep his promises and I was just glad to be able to have him back so I told him this and that I also don't blame him.
He was upset I called his character 'her' instead of 'you' once after calling her 'you' in prev posts and also bc i started serious talks without asking him and i asked him who he slept with while we weren't dating after we got back together and I didn't ask if can ask him personal questions and we were hugging then and he felt I was taking Advantage of the moment but I wouldn't bring it up if he wasn't feeling good which I understand he actually prefers.

He dislikes talking about autism i think cause in the past i kept asking him if he felt like others on this site and I was confused sometimes cause he seemed to be but he wasn't. i called him my autistic mapper or something like that and I think he didnt like it recently. In the past he called himself bipolar bear.

He told me hes felt lonely lately even though he has friends. His first crush died and ever since he's been depressed and he has told me in the first year he doesn't look up to me and nobody and he only did to his crush, a guy who was brightest in special ed. I felt he disliked me and he sometimes said when I think i did something wrong that people are dumb. but lately he said most stress is in rl and some from the relationship

 

[Monachopia]

He basically left every serious talk we had and if not I left once because he kept saying he couldn't take it anymore. He did confirm that he gets insecure with fights but we never argue, we're civil and apologize if needed. Lately he does not get involved in talks so I have no idea what he feels or thinks, and often times he considered leaving prior to me finding out. Sometimes it was too late to be able to do anything about it, to tell him anything to try to help.

Once he slept with someone the day after breaking up with me. Recent breakup hes been hanging with his ex and he said he still has feelings for him and considers dating him but is trying to get him off his mind, even though this time he seemed much more convinced that he wanted me. I had to do something about it so I asked him to stop talking to his ex because he should only share such feelings with me. He wasn't happy about it and hes been resenting me for it even though he said he di8dnt, he started being distant and so I told him i know it's hard and Im there for him. After a few days he commented that i should not seem so glad about it because he is losing a friend. So I guess he was upset about it. But he said hes doing it.
His ex for some reason felt the need to tell him that he has started dating someone, seems peculiar. My bf didn't tell him he is dating someone not even then but replied to him but he told me he would fix the issue and tell him hes taken but he did not and he told med the issue was fixed and i asked if he told him and he lied and answered yes. I asked to see the logs which I asked if i could have prior when he said he would get himself to tell him. He ignored my asking twice but then sent it to me so I saw that he lied.

Recently I had a panic attack when we were supposed to be having sex[we date online] and since I have a new job and caught a virus which didn't let me sleep 5 nights i was stresesed and tired and also he seemed to show more attraction than these past two years lately, before I could not even get him to want it in the first year. he recently said he stresses a lot, as normally I felt compelled to ask if he wants to leave and he said he doesn't know.

Now if you ask me he feels better and called me his and restarted touching me and holding hands. But I still worry and I want to ask you guys maybe you have something good to say for us. Hes tried everything and nothing worked for stress except for breakups but if he does it for the stress then why does he always sleep with others? He said he tried to move on from me last time and so have i until he told me he will never date me again which got me to get scared and start to pursue him again. He Said he is upset that I got him to Date me again after Having said he won't do it again. He can't keep his promises and I was just glad to be able to have him back so I told him this and that I also don't blame him.
He was upset I called his character 'her' instead of 'you' once after calling her 'you' in prev posts and also bc i started serious talks without asking him and i asked him who he slept with while we weren't dating after we got back together and I didn't ask if can ask him personal questions and we were hugging then and he felt I was taking Advantage of the moment but I wouldn't bring it up if he wasn't feeling good which I understand he actually prefers.

He dislikes talking about autism i think cause in the past i kept asking him if he felt like others on this site and I was confused sometimes cause he seemed to be but he wasn't. i called him my autistic mapper or something like that and I think he didnt like it recently. In the past he called himself bipolar bear.

He told me hes felt lonely lately even though he has friends. His first crush died and ever since he's been depressed and he has told me in the first year he doesn't look up to me and nobody and he only did to his crush, a guy who was brightest in special ed. I felt he disliked me and he sometimes said when I think i did something wrong that people are dumb. but lately he said most stress is in rl and some from the relationship

Sorry, but this relationship doesn't sound healthy AT ALL. There is no trust and from what I can see there are huge amounts of jealousy coming from you - demanding to know information that is outside of your relationship (i.e. when you were not officially together) and to see texts and stuff? That's really not ok. That is in some way, emotional manipulation, to be in control of someone else to that degree. You seem to just want to possess him and control him and that's all you want. Never once in your post did you say anything positive about him, that you truly care about him and that you have genuine affection.

He's not happy. He feels he can't communicate effectively with you anymore due to probably the problems I mentioned above. Just let him go if that's what he wants. Stop torturing the man.

 

[china autie]

What you are describing does not sound healthy to me either.

 

[All-Rounder]

I told him he can pursue a relationship with his ex and I won't stand in his way. It wasn't easy from me to do since I sacrificed my own health as well for being able to be with him. He chose me. I looked into such cases online and its what i got and also I think its fair to not dedicate or see his ex considering how he feels about him and that he still has feelings. I felt guilty about it but i think it was the right thing to do and being able to do it wasn't easy, because I kept thinking he is very close to the person but its interfering with the relationship, and it's not to be accepted by a lover who is serious.

Never did I demand anything, I asked, and when he refused to tell me I accepted it, even if it was difficult to put up with things kept secret. Im actually worried about the relationship, whether you can believe it or not.

 

[Monachopia]

and i asked if he told him and he lied and answered yes. I asked to see the logs which I asked if i could have prior when he said he would get himself to tell him. He ignored my asking twice but then sent it to me so I saw that he lied.

Asking more than once isn't asking anymore, it is a demand. Also, I have never in my life asked my partner to show me logs of ANYTHING. Nor have I ever had ANY desire to see anything on his phone, Facebook or anything in the 13 years we've been together, or vice versa.

I had to do something about it so I asked him to stop talking to his ex because he should only share such feelings with me. He wasn't happy about it

Look, once there are trust issues in a relationship, it's gone and done. He may have said he's chosen you, but at the same time you've asked him not to talk to his ex which is a controlling action. Any lies he's told is because you keep trying to manipulate his life and no one likes that. If he goes to the extent of concealing truth because he's not happy with the situation and knows you'll get upset and possibly cause him more stress - it really is clearly over.

 

[Sarah S]

Sadly to me it sounds like the best thing you can do is to let him go and leave him dear

 

[All-Rounder]

Asking more than once isn't asking anymore, it is a demand. Also, I have never in my life asked my partner to show me logs of ANYTHING. Nor have I ever had ANY desire to see anything on his phone, Facebook or anything in the 13 years we've been together, or vice versa.


Look, once there are trust issues in a relationship, it's gone and done. He may have said he's chosen you, but at the same time you've asked him not to talk to his ex which is a controlling action. Any lies he's told is because you keep trying to manipulate his life and no one likes that. If he goes to the extent of concealing truth because he's not happy with the situation and knows you'll get upset and possibly cause him more stress - it really is clearly over.

I don't react badly to those confessions mostly I just stress too and also he said he needs to solve that issue for himself, that he resents me because he fell in love with me again but he said he wanted me.

I felt the same at points because it wasn't an easy relationship at all and nothing was normal because he's so different than the norm but we've kept on making progress and solved a lot of issues.

I wanted to see what reaction his ex would have to it, bc at first I wanted to let them still be friends if his ex would respect the relationship. But I decided to research more and take more action to solve the problem.

 

[Monachopia]

There are things I can still say with your latest response, but I'll refrain from doing so.

The general feeling I have is that this is a strained relationship and there are problems in it that seem too deep to solve. At this point, I'd suggest having a trial separation for a month or two, with as little contact as possible so that you both have space to EFFECTIVELY assess your feelings without interference from each other. If he's an Aspie/HFA as you say, he needs that space to work through things on his own - without the pressure to say things that you want to hear, and possibly, vice versa. This will also give you the chance to reflect on fundamentals of the relationship and to see if there are ways of overcoming the core issues.

After those months have passed you meet up again with fresh energy and see if you both want to continue, but my gut reaction is, if it's a yes, inevitably the old patterns will re-emerge.

 

[DiverseWonderland]

He basically left every serious talk we had and if not I left once because he kept saying he couldn't take it anymore. He did confirm that he gets insecure with fights but we never argue, we're civil and apologize if needed. Lately he does not get involved in talks so I have no idea what he feels or thinks, and often times he considered leaving prior to me finding out. Sometimes it was too late to be able to do anything about it, to tell him anything to try to help.

Once he slept with someone the day after breaking up with me. Recent breakup hes been hanging with his ex and he said he still has feelings for him and considers dating him but is trying to get him off his mind, even though this time he seemed much more convinced that he wanted me. I had to do something about it so I asked him to stop talking to his ex because he should only share such feelings with me. He wasn't happy about it and hes been resenting me for it even though he said he di8dnt, he started being distant and so I told him i know it's hard and Im there for him. After a few days he commented that i should not seem so glad about it because he is losing a friend. So I guess he was upset about it. But he said hes doing it.
His ex for some reason felt the need to tell him that he has started dating someone, seems peculiar. My bf didn't tell him he is dating someone not even then but replied to him but he told me he would fix the issue and tell him hes taken but he did not and he told med the issue was fixed and i asked if he told him and he lied and answered yes. I asked to see the logs which I asked if i could have prior when he said he would get himself to tell him. He ignored my asking twice but then sent it to me so I saw that he lied.

Recently I had a panic attack when we were supposed to be having sex[we date online] and since I have a new job and caught a virus which didn't let me sleep 5 nights i was stresesed and tired and also he seemed to show more attraction than these past two years lately, before I could not even get him to want it in the first year. he recently said he stresses a lot, as normally I felt compelled to ask if he wants to leave and he said he doesn't know.

Now if you ask me he feels better and called me his and restarted touching me and holding hands. But I still worry and I want to ask you guys maybe you have something good to say for us. Hes tried everything and nothing worked for stress except for breakups but if he does it for the stress then why does he always sleep with others? He said he tried to move on from me last time and so have i until he told me he will never date me again which got me to get scared and start to pursue him again. He Said he is upset that I got him to Date me again after Having said he won't do it again. He can't keep his promises and I was just glad to be able to have him back so I told him this and that I also don't blame him.
He was upset I called his character 'her' instead of 'you' once after calling her 'you' in prev posts and also bc i started serious talks without asking him and i asked him who he slept with while we weren't dating after we got back together and I didn't ask if can ask him personal questions and we were hugging then and he felt I was taking Advantage of the moment but I wouldn't bring it up if he wasn't feeling good which I understand he actually prefers.

He dislikes talking about autism i think cause in the past i kept asking him if he felt like others on this site and I was confused sometimes cause he seemed to be but he wasn't. i called him my autistic mapper or something like that and I think he didnt like it recently. In the past he called himself bipolar bear.

He told me hes felt lonely lately even though he has friends. His first crush died and ever since he's been depressed and he has told me in the first year he doesn't look up to me and nobody and he only did to his crush, a guy who was brightest in special ed. I felt he disliked me and he sometimes said when I think i did something wrong that people are dumb. but lately he said most stress is in rl and some from the relationship

I'm not good with this kind of stuff but what I would ask is "Do you truly love him in that way?" and sometimes people can be good to each other as friends but just can't be more cause they just might not match up at the time or ever so what i'm getting to is "Do you love him enough to let him go?"...Sorry for not being a help but that's all i got...

 

[All-Rounder]

There are things I can still say with your latest response, but I'll refrain from doing so.

The general feeling I have is that this is a strained relationship and there are problems in it that seem too deep to solve. At this point, I'd suggest having a trial separation for a month or two, with as little contact as possible so that you both have space to EFFECTIVELY assess your feelings without interference from each other. If he's an Aspie/HFA as you say, he needs that space to work through things on his own - without the pressure to say things that you want to hear, and possibly, vice versa. This will also give you the chance to reflect on fundamentals of the relationship and to see if there are ways of overcoming the core issues.

After those months have passed you meet up again with fresh energy and see if you both want to continue, but my gut reaction is, if it's a yes, inevitably the old patterns will re-emerge.

im aware and thats what ive been doing and made sure he knows im patient and he should be patient with himself and it worked in a positive way.

 

[All-Rounder]

I'm not good with this kind of stuff but what I would ask is "Do you truly love him in that way?" and sometimes people can be good to each other as friends but just can't be more cause they just might not match up at the time or ever so what i'm getting to is "Do you love him enough to let him go?"...Sorry for not being a help but that's all i got...

Yes I rather love and like him as a lover, than a friend, im in love with him and feel very comfortable usually with him, and I tell him everything and want to keep making it better for him to date me. He feels the same but gets insecure and stressed easier than I do.

I can't let him go as long as he still wants me to be there. But I will make sure to not stand in his way and ask to see how he feels when he says things to me like hes stressed or something that has to do with me.

By the way I also suggested he needs time to think about it and come to a conclusion but we never have complete breaks neither does he desire them. Sometimes he reaches out to me because he needs affection.

And then he started calling me his and he seemed to be doing better.

There are no patterns, I constantly change to make it better. Along these two years every day has been a new challenge to change and adapt so we can feel better, be better prepared and have more understanding.

 

[All-Rounder]

You are right, even though it was hard to accept but the two things I did are controlling and pushy.

I also read more and they say one cannot tell someone what to do even if they ultimately can't accept that behavior. But how do you tell them if it's your boundary without seeming like it's an ultimatum? Do you just not?

I forgot to say but I have asked to see his ex and maybe help out in telling him and talk like adults. But he refused to let me meet him. His reason was that I can't tell him in the right way since in the past I told a common friend that he liked him cause I thought he knew and liked him back but we were split up then, but my bf felt uncomfortable taking to him after and he said he already was feeling awkward around them due to his feelings.

Asking to see logs was because I couldn't find out if his ex was wanting to get him back or not. I guess he didn't want any of these options.

I also sometimes have to ask more times because he didn't see the message.

In the past I felt that he didn't tell people he was taken in time, like they would ask him to make out with them, bite him when I was holding him in my arms, moan at him and he would pet their face and it really bothered me. I think he no longer pets them but still doesn't tell them he's taken, and the breakups definitely dont help because people arent being told whether im his friend, his ex or girlfriend and these states change so much. I just have to put up with the mess in my feelings and try to trust him. He's not been supporting always, he sometimes got mad about me not liking him to send me so many suggestive images of women. And he stopped touching me for a month and made fun of my insecurity. He apologized though and I have worked through it and feel comfortable now with it.

 

[All-Rounder]

But he already said he was distancing from his ex and when i asked him to cut ties and explained it may be better and help him focus his mind fully on me and so he can move on and start focusing on our relationship, he said he was already gonna distance from him anyway.

 

[paloftoon]

But he already said he was distancing from his ex and when i asked him to cut ties and explained it may be better and help him focus his mind fully on me and so he can move on and start focusing on our relationship, he said he was already gonna distance from him anyway.

He might be trying to distance himself from his ex, and implicitly, you as well. He could be trying to find another person altogether. And it doesn't matter if he's looking for someone else altogether. He has that choice. Focus on improving yourself. I know you'll keep your door open to him, but look for others instead.

 

[All-Rounder]

He left, he said that we aren't compatible and that he needs more, we've just been getting along lately and that's it.

 

[All-Rounder]

Update: this man told me that he just kept dating me every time because he "panicked" and needed safety. I finally found the help and strength to dump him for good and remove him everywhere. 3 years of lies, it was so hard to get myself to believe what he was telling me was true, that he just dated me to use me. But he didn't want to break up or lose me. But here I am, without the jerk in my life. I'm not a toy for cowards and pretenders. I'm free.