Well here goes...
please don't reply if you are only going to tell me what a horrible human being I am. How our relationship started was not ideal no, but you can't help who you fall in love with!
So, I met the most amazing guy at work, we had been working together for a year before his 40th birthday. Long story short we went out on his birthday and at the end of the night I kissed him. I had been having feelings for him for some time. Fast forward and we have been seeing each other for the last 18months. When we first started seeing each other he was in a very unhappy marriage. He left his wife last September, since then we have been through some rough patches with the death of my father, I lost my house and my best friend and her baby daughter were killed in a road accident. To say there has been a lot of pressure on the relationship would be an understatement!
He is now 41 and diagnosed high functioning autistic.
In the last 2 months I have moved into a flat in the same town and he comes and stays at mine most nights. In the last couple of weeks we have had some really rough moments. There have been a couple of occasions where he has lied about where he has been when he's been seeing his ex wife (at this point I should say they have an 11 yo, I am not concerned when he is seeing him but I am specifically talking about nights out just him and his ex wife) which has led to a little bit of mistrust which I am working with, I am probably overreacting as I have been hurt in the past. I don't think he is doing anything other than offering support as she has just been made redundant.
I suppose I have loads of questions that I haven't found the answer for and I am really hoping that your collective experiences can help!
1. He says I don't let him live how he needs to live. I have asked what it is that I do that makes him think this but so far he hasn't been able to explain it, are there common things that I could be doing that could be aggravating this for him?
2. He has trouble talking to me when there is a problem. My brother is exactly the same (he is also autistic) He says that he is not sure that he can live with me but says its a problem within him that he needs to work on. Again, are there common things that I could be doing that could be aggravating this?
3. He has always been very good at telling me loves me and what I mean to him and that he does want to have a long term relationship with me. In my eyes as long as you have that base and you both want the same thing, we can address/adapt/change to fix any problems that there might be. I am not sure he shares this view. Should I just be accepting that if he doesn't see a way to fix things he isn't going to try a different way?
4. We don't have a set timetable for when he stays with me so most days I will ask if he is staying tonight purely for planning reasons dinner etc. recently he has told me that sometimes he feels obligated to stay, I have explained that there is never any pressure or obligation for him to stay but it is his choice and that the only reason I ask is just so I know in case I can make plans with friends etc. Should I be doing this in a different way?
5. I struggle with still being a secret in his life, I feel like he is being unfair to his ex-wife and me by not telling her the truth. He is concerned about hurting her, which I understand but surely it is better for both of them if they both know the situation? Allows her to move on as well? Maybe I am wrong? Is there a way to brooch this subject without him feeling attacked?
They are all I can think of at the moment. I really want this to work between us because we have had such amazing times together and we love each other very much. I don't intend on giving up, I would rather find 10,000 ways of not doing something and not seeing as failing than trying once and giving up.
Am I wrong in thinking that if you both love each other and both want to have the relationship you shouldn't give up but should keep trying until you find the right level?
please don't reply if you are only going to tell me what a horrible human being I am. How our relationship started was not ideal no, but you can't help who you fall in love with!
So, I met the most amazing guy at work, we had been working together for a year before his 40th birthday. Long story short we went out on his birthday and at the end of the night I kissed him. I had been having feelings for him for some time. Fast forward and we have been seeing each other for the last 18months. When we first started seeing each other he was in a very unhappy marriage. He left his wife last September, since then we have been through some rough patches with the death of my father, I lost my house and my best friend and her baby daughter were killed in a road accident. To say there has been a lot of pressure on the relationship would be an understatement!
He is now 41 and diagnosed high functioning autistic.
In the last 2 months I have moved into a flat in the same town and he comes and stays at mine most nights. In the last couple of weeks we have had some really rough moments. There have been a couple of occasions where he has lied about where he has been when he's been seeing his ex wife (at this point I should say they have an 11 yo, I am not concerned when he is seeing him but I am specifically talking about nights out just him and his ex wife) which has led to a little bit of mistrust which I am working with, I am probably overreacting as I have been hurt in the past. I don't think he is doing anything other than offering support as she has just been made redundant.
I suppose I have loads of questions that I haven't found the answer for and I am really hoping that your collective experiences can help!
1. He says I don't let him live how he needs to live. I have asked what it is that I do that makes him think this but so far he hasn't been able to explain it, are there common things that I could be doing that could be aggravating this for him?
2. He has trouble talking to me when there is a problem. My brother is exactly the same (he is also autistic) He says that he is not sure that he can live with me but says its a problem within him that he needs to work on. Again, are there common things that I could be doing that could be aggravating this?
3. He has always been very good at telling me loves me and what I mean to him and that he does want to have a long term relationship with me. In my eyes as long as you have that base and you both want the same thing, we can address/adapt/change to fix any problems that there might be. I am not sure he shares this view. Should I just be accepting that if he doesn't see a way to fix things he isn't going to try a different way?
4. We don't have a set timetable for when he stays with me so most days I will ask if he is staying tonight purely for planning reasons dinner etc. recently he has told me that sometimes he feels obligated to stay, I have explained that there is never any pressure or obligation for him to stay but it is his choice and that the only reason I ask is just so I know in case I can make plans with friends etc. Should I be doing this in a different way?
5. I struggle with still being a secret in his life, I feel like he is being unfair to his ex-wife and me by not telling her the truth. He is concerned about hurting her, which I understand but surely it is better for both of them if they both know the situation? Allows her to move on as well? Maybe I am wrong? Is there a way to brooch this subject without him feeling attacked?
They are all I can think of at the moment. I really want this to work between us because we have had such amazing times together and we love each other very much. I don't intend on giving up, I would rather find 10,000 ways of not doing something and not seeing as failing than trying once and giving up.
Am I wrong in thinking that if you both love each other and both want to have the relationship you shouldn't give up but should keep trying until you find the right level?