help!

[Sok]

I dont have Aspergers, but alot of people in my life do (my uncle, my father, sime friends) I went to an alternative high school that had a program for aspergers so I have always been in close contact with it. I am 21 and recently started dating a guy that I fell for from the first day I saw him, 11 months ago. He is smart, funny, a deep thinker and a great listener, as long as he doesnt have to look you in the eyes!! I started to notice his odd behavior the day I met him. What I understood as him being an asshole, and grumpy (excuse my pirate mouth) and anti social, was counteracted in him showing me how much he cared for me.
He is extremly honest to the point where some of the things he says can be awkward or hurtful!
He has trouble making eye contact, and being in large groups of people without falling silent, when he tells stories he will actually get up and act them out (wow I love it) even if its not a good time. He has trouble with physical contact wereas I just want to grab him and kiss him, hes so amazing you have to see him! There is no hand holding, or snuggling, he doesnt even bring it up, and when I did he awkwardly grabbed my head in to his sholder and froze up, he says he doesnt like it. He is point blank in what he does....he is linear, habitual, rigid, and one way! After a ling time of feeling like the "unwanted "ugly friend" I realized.....my boyfriend is 150% Aspergers....he litterally is...
Alot of people including my roomates mistake him for being not so sharp, or stupid...but he is one of the smartest people I ever met....
But I want him to do all the little things with me, snuggle me, hold me,be a bit more creative....if we sleep, we just sleep, if we watch a mive...he inly watches the.movie...he also cant handle confrontation...HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND WHAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH...he says "I like you, Im nice to you, I really like you" like its a mth problem. I love him...he doesnt know it...but I do! Im so upset, because Im not sure how to advance as his girlfriend when everything is so linear! How can I tell him I love him, when I cant even put my head on his sholder....

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

There's a reason we say, "When you know one person with Asperger's, you know one person with Asperger's." It doesn't matter if you have relatives...although if you have that many with AS, I'm surprised you don't understand your boyfriend's behavior and aren't more tolerant of it.

He is who he is. If you love him, accept him. If all you notice is how much you want to change him, you aren't ever going to be happy with him, and you will certainly hurt him.

The things he does that bother you don't "mean" what you think they mean. By the same token, the things you do that you think express affection aren't going to be experienced that way---as you've documented.

Relationships are a journey, not a vehicle. Partners are persons, not possessions. You can't treat a person as if they were a stuffed animal, or as if they had no function in life but to make you happy. You do have to reciprocate in a way that they understand. Are you?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

 

[annominous]

I have a historical problem noticing red flags in relationships, so I have developed a sort of special interest in doing it in order to keep myself from falling into another situation where I am abused and victimised. I have noted all the red flags in bold/underlined in your message, Sok, because I am worried for you.

I dont have Aspergers, but alot of people in my life do (my uncle, my father, sime friends) I went to an alternative high school that had a program for aspergers so I have always been in close contact with it. I am 21 and recently started dating a guy that I fell for from the first day I saw him, 11 months ago. He is smart, funny, a deep thinker and a great listener, as long as he doesnt have to look you in the eyes!! I started to notice his odd behavior the day I met him. What I understood as him being an asshole, and grumpy (excuse my pirate mouth) and anti social, was counteracted in him showing me how much he cared for me.
He is extremly honest to the point where some of the things he says can be awkward or hurtful!
He has trouble making eye contact, and being in large groups of people without falling silent, when he tells stories he will actually get up and act them out (wow I love it) even if its not a good time. He has trouble with physical contact wereas I just want to grab him and kiss him, hes so amazing you have to see him! There is no hand holding, or snuggling, he doesnt even bring it up, and when I did he awkwardly grabbed my head in to his sholder and froze up, he says he doesnt like it. He is point blank in what he does....he is linear, habitual, rigid, and one way! After a ling time of feeling like the "unwanted "ugly friend" I realized.....my boyfriend is 150% Aspergers....he litterally is...
Alot of people including my roomates mistake him for being not so sharp, or stupid...but he is one of the smartest people I ever met....
But I want him to do all the little things with me, snuggle me, hold me,be a bit more creative....if we sleep, we just sleep, if we watch a mive...he inly watches the.movie...he also cant handle confrontation...HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND WHAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH...he says "I like you, Im nice to you, I really like you" like its a mth problem. I love him...he doesnt know it...but I do! Im so upset, because Im not sure how to advance as his girlfriend when everything is so linear! How can I tell him I love him, when I cant even put my head on his sholder....

Don't use our autism to forgive us for being abusive assholes. Just because we're autistic doesn't mean we can't be loving, kind, reciprocal, and communicate what we need to our partners. A lot of us are loving, kind partners and make ourselves available (sometimes at our own expense) for our romantic partners and our friends. It sincerely sounds like this guy is an asshole and he is taking advantage of you. It also sounds like the relationship is one sided (you like him more than he likes you). If this is how it begins, without actually working on a relationship together to make it develop, which it doesn't sound like is remotely ready for, you are going to end up heartbroken. Asperger's is not equal to asshole. Just saying.

 

[Warmheart]

Not behaving like a Golden Retriever doesn't mean that a kitty cat doesn't love you.

For now, you two are just getting to know each other. Give it some time. And, give the time, some time. Enjoy the delicious thrill of not getting quite what you want just yet. Remember, moving too quickly in emotional situations can feel the opposite of ome of us romantic to an aspie. Some of us adore hugs-- but only certain ways. We can't help it. And for some of us, laying your head on our shoulder would be painful, but handholding might be dreamy. Those of us with tactile hypersensitivity have a funky body map of what we like touched and what we don't. With time, he may tell you what he likes and doesn't like.

For now, enjoy the warmth of your growing friendship. He needs your patience-- not just with him, but with your own need for speed. Gently, gently....

 

[Suzanne]

Well it shows that despite having many in your family who are aspergic, it takes you directly being involved to feel the impact of being with an aspie and if you want to stay around, you are going to have to be VERY strong because it is no ordinary relationship you have.

My husband would probably be saying the same thing as you, if he did online things like this.

I get very animated when excited about something and often told I should be an actress, and those around me have to watch my arms waving about!

My husband has often complained that I do not show him love. The only way I could answer, because of feeling out on a limb with that comment, was when I was obsessed with my boyfriend, at 18, I was the same with him. Of course, my husband did not see that as a valid reason! I now have to say: Suzanne, touch him. Go and say hi to him? Ask if he is ok?

The positive thing with aspergers is that we can change in small ways or adapt; but like with anyone, the person has to want to and I think it is different for male aspies.

I am afraid that you cannot make him into an nt! Just as he cannot make you into an aspie!

 

[StephF]

You have to make allowances and accept him as he is. You can't change him and really you shouldn't want to. Be there for him and enjoy your friendship.

 

[Greg]

When I tell my wife something she constantly has to tell me that she is sitting right there because I am talking so loud. I am very passionate on how I feel about how something that has upset me or other things. In a relationship you just kind of have to take what you get. That is just the way he is and apparently physical affections makes him uncomfortable. I am the same way at times and then others where I just want to be very close. The periods of wanting to be by myself is usually when something has happened where we have gotten into an argument. These periods can sometimes last days. As far as being rigid I am so much into a routine it is not even funny. If that gets out of sync it just drives me crazy and I can't function. For instance if I have forgotten to not have the coffee to be ready in the morning and it doesn't make. OMG it is a disaster.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I have a historical problem noticing red flags in relationships, so I have developed a sort of special interest in doing it in order to keep myself from falling into another situation where I am abused and victimised. I have noted all the red flags in bold/underlined in your message, Sok, because I am worried for you.



Don't use our autism to forgive us for being abusive assholes. Just because we're autistic doesn't mean we can't be loving, kind, reciprocal, and communicate what we need to our partners. A lot of us are loving, kind partners and make ourselves available (sometimes at our own expense) for our romantic partners and our friends. It sincerely sounds like this guy is an asshole and he is taking advantage of you. It also sounds like the relationship is one sided (you like him more than he likes you). If this is how it begins, without actually working on a relationship together to make it develop, which it doesn't sound like is remotely ready for, you are going to end up heartbroken. Asperger's is not equal to asshole. Just saying.

The poster called him an a*, but I don't believe that makes him one. Your other points are well-taken. To me, the abuse sounds like abuse of the aspie in not understanding an NT--who says she understands AS and then lists a number of very aspie behaviors she objects to. Suzanne's point is well-made:

"I am afraid that you cannot make him into an nt! Just as he cannot make you into an aspie!"

I think the post is hitting a nerve for me so I'm not going to comment further.

 

[annominous]

I completely agree, Aspergirl4hire - something missing from the retelling of the 'situation' here. Whatever the situation, it doesn't sound like a match to me at all.

 

[Sok]

Hmmm, not sure about what type of "abuse" he got from my post, that is not our situation at all. We have a good relationship, I recently took it upon me to tell him what I needed out of him to make it continue (I dont want to change him, but I wont waste my time) and he has done a 360! Aside from a few moments he has really reached out to try and be more close. I also am letting him do his thing, and he has been happier about it, even asked me to lay my head on his.chest! I was more asking you guys if his behavior was that of an someone with aspergers.....not really a relationship evaluation....

 

[Sok]

Also..I dont object to the behaviors....agian...its like my point sailed right by....
There are certain behaviors of his that confuse me, and are not what I am used to. And some of the more aspergers behaviors he does are the reason I fell for him! But I dont have to be ok, with his lack of intimacy, I dont have to take any of his behaviors, and that has nothing to do with me not being of with aspergers.