Help with NT &Aspire r/ship

[nt&aspie-rship]

Hi everyone,
I'm looking for some advice about my current situation. This is the shortened down version lol.
I'm and NT woman dating an aspie woman.
We have been dating for approximately 5 months. The first 3 months or so we're we're amazing & we both were happy & spent almost every w/end together.
After the first 3 months the texting & calling became almost non existent.
Then about a month ago I was invited round to her place and she went out the whole day and left me alone with her dog and couldn't seem to understand I was there to see her. When she got back I walked out and went home. Then received a text saying "nothing she had done justified me walking out on her".
I was very upset that she couldn't understand my frustration and feelings and in return sent some very angry hurtful texts, out of anger.
The following day she sent a message saying "she no longer wants to hurt so that means she doesn't want to be with me anymore".
I don't understand after one fight how someone can switch off their feelings?
Then she stonewalled/ghosted me for 2 weeks. I eventually sent a message saying that I was sorry for my part of our argument but I didn't walk out for the fun of it & that I needed to text & accept responsibility for my words etc before I could move on. &Since I was being ignored how could we work through things with no Comms etc..
I then received a message back saying "she'd been over her part of the argument a lot too, trust her". We then text a few more times about work, the dogs etc. So I phoned her. We got talking about feelings after a while. She said "she misses me,cares about me & wants to make our r/ship work...but doesn't love me anymore & how could she after such a small amount of time?". Huh?
She said that with work, flat mate drama, her therapy for her only recently finding out about her HFA & our r/ship has totally overwhelmed her and even though I've been everything a good gf should be she needs even more time & space(already 5 weeks of very minimal contact)
I have no idea what to think, do or say about any of this tbh. I am so confused and would really appreciate any suggestions or feedback. Is this her way of breaking up? Will more space be more damaging? Is there anyway we can have the same contact again, in time? Etc.
Thanks in advance.

 

[Fino]

My first thought is that it's over, unless she does something to change that. I don't think there's anything you can do at this point. Insisting on contact when she asked for space would almost surely cause more damage. I would leave her alone and start trying to being open to the possibility that it's over.

Although I do understand all her behavior you described, it sounds to me like she needs to work on her communication skills, even if that makes her uncomfortable or has to be communicated through text. The amount of silence is immature, aspie or not. It's good that she's in therapy, so maybe she'll discuss all this there and gain some insight.

Good luck! Other people here will have great advice!

 

[nt&aspie-rship]

My first thought is that it's over, unless she does something to change that. I don't think there's anything you can do at this point. Insisting on contact when she asked for space would almost surely cause more damage. I would leave her alone and start trying to being open to the possibility that it's over.

Although I do understand all her behavior you described, it sounds to me like she needs to work on her communication skills, even if that makes her uncomfortable or has to be communicated through text. The amount of silence is immature, aspie or not. It's good that she's in therapy, so maybe she'll discuss all this there and gain some insight.

Good luck! Other people here will have great advice!

Thank you Fino. I appreciate u taking the time to reply. Although you're probably right, it's not what I wanted to hear, of course

 

[nt&aspie-rship]

Hi, how long ago was she diagnosed?

Hi Onna, thank you for replying to my post.
Approximately 3 & a half months.

 

[Onna]

Hi Onna, thank you for replying to my post.
Approximately 3 & a half months.

I feel for you, it’s tough when things like this happen.
I read through your message again and through Fino’s reply, and it does sound as though she’s confident that it’s not quite right for her. It sounds like she’s going through a confusing time. It can be difficult when you first get diagnosed too, it can mess with your perception of yourself a little bit.

 

[Tom]

No one rule applies to all Aspies, but black and white or on/off thinking and reactions does occur frequently. But sudden shifts in relationship feelings can happen with NTs as well. Sometimes the shift isn't really sudden anyway. It may be going on in the backround for a while before they tell you.

Anyway, a person's feelings are their own and there's nothing to do except accept or try and drag it out (usually uselessly).

 

[TempeFan]

When she got back I walked out and went home. Then received a text saying "nothing she had done justified me walking out on her".

Where was she all day? Did you ask when she got back? If not then why not? Maybe something happened that overwhelmed her. Maybe she was testing you. Did people she cared about walk out on her when she got diagnosed? It's very painful and hopelessness ensues when that happens. She could be trying to save herself or you some pain by distancing. just another possibility.

 

[nt&aspie-rship]

Where was she all day? Did you ask when she got back? If not then why not? Maybe something happened that overwhelmed her. Maybe she was testing you. Did people she cared about walk out on her when she got diagnosed? It's very painful and hopelessness ensues when that happens. She could be trying to save herself or you some pain by distancing. just another possibility.

Hi Tempefan,
Thank you for your message.
She'd gone out with family apparently. Originally for breakfast. Then it led on to the pub. I honestly value family & friend time too.
It wouldn't have been a problem if I hadn't have been asked over or had been invited along. I just found it weird tbh. Considering we were meant to be doing things together that day.
She has a very small social circle and no-one has walked away or been any different. I told her it didn't change anything between us etc.
I'm very confused about where it all went wrong & cant make sense about any of it. I'm her first serious r/ship though apparently.

 

[nt&aspie-rship]

No one rule applies to all Aspies, but black and white or on/off thinking and reactions does occur frequently. But sudden shifts in relationship feelings can happen with NTs as well. Sometimes the shift isn't really sudden anyway. It may be going on in the backround for a while before they tell you.

Anyway, a person's feelings are their own and there's nothing to do except accept or try and drag it out (usually uselessly).

Hi Tom,
I know no one rule applies for aspies or nts etc. I'm just hoping maybe someone may say something that might help give me a better understanding. I've never been this hurt or confused in my life & I don't make a habit of giving up on people I care about.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Much appreciated.

 

[TempeFan]

Hi Tempefan,
Thank you for your message.
She'd gone out with family apparently. Originally for breakfast. Then it led on to the pub. I honestly value family & friend time too.
It wouldn't have been a problem if I hadn't have been asked over or had been invited along. I just found it weird tbh. Considering we were meant to be doing things together that day.
She has a very small social circle and no-one has walked away or been any different. I told her it didn't change anything between us etc.
I'm very confused about where it all went wrong & cant make sense about any of it. I'm her first serious r/ship though apparently.

I had a friend like that. He was infuriatingly irresponsible and delightfully spontaneous. I don't know whether he was on the spectrum or not, more likely some sort of sociopathy, maybe in addition to autism. He admitted to me once that he valued people as a species but very few individuals. He was my best buddy. Whenever we were together, everything was perfect. I had his full attention. From the moment we arrived in each other's company, everything just flowed flawlessly. He was fun and charming and very intelligent and completely into me. Things were great when we were together, but outa sight, outa mind.

He too had "a very small social circle and no-one has walked away or been any different" and a close family, loving parents and a brother, who was a normal family man, not like him at all. They were used to his odd behavior and enjoyed his company when he was around, even though they never knew when to expect him back. Even if he knew it was someone's birthday or a big holiday or he had promised, they understood they would either have to go to him or wait for him to just drop by. He just came and went as he pleased, expecting everyone to just pick up where they left off whenever he came back. Sometimes people were busy doing other things when he just arrived out of the blue and that didn't seem to faze him. He would sit and wait, or read a book, or get a snack or whatever and wait for his turn. However, he seemed very confused, anxious, unsettled, upset and distanced himself for days, weeks, months or even years, whenever others were understandably bewildered and/or perturbed by his unacceptable inconsiderate behavior of his changing their schedule with out notice. He seemed to be a total stranger to the concepts of time and relationships.

One time he was walking down the main hallway at school and four different people invited him to get together at 8pm that night, one for a movie, one for a meal, one for a party, and me for a date. He enthusiastically accepted EVERY invitation, saying he would be there on time without fail. He was a complete no show. I got tired of waiting so I went to his place and found him sitting on the floor reading a Zane Grey novel. He finished the chapter, put it away, greeted me warmly and asked what I wanted to do on our date. It was bizarre but not unusual for him. He would wander into class late if at all, sit in the front row, sometimes hand in his homework if he found it interesting enough even do, always ace the test, and when he contradicted the professor, he'd be proven right. He joined the military, saying the threat of being thrown in the brig for being AWOL was the only way he could think of to keep a steady job. Years later when he heard my highschool sweetheart had dumped me, he bought an engagement ring, hopped 4 planes, a bus and car to propose to me. I considered it, but the week I went to the base to visit him for Thankgiving, he left me by myself or with the other soldiers and their spouses most of the time, even when he wasn't on duty. His buddies were really ragging on him for his bad behavior. One of the single airmen he left me with tried to convince me to dump the louse and marry him. When I explained I just couldn't live like that. He understood that he would have to change this behavior if he wanted me in his life. He couldn't or wouldn't do that, and I've only heard from him once since then when he found me on some people finder app decades ago.

If you truly believe the intense exciting time together is worth the uncertainty and frustration of never knowing when or if the other person is going to show up and feel you can handle a relationship with this type of person you may want to persue it. I wouldn't recommend it, if you think youi can do better. It took me 20 years to find my soulmate but I finally did.