Help me prevent my divorce or worse!

[sycolution]

My wife is at the end of her rope and I'm to blame. I'm an Aspie and in recent years have made great progress in becoming more sociably capable, thanks completely to my wife and her struggling to make me a better person. Unfortunately, this has taken a huge toll on her psyche and a few times over the last couple of years, she has exploded with self hatred, despair, and a sense of loneliness, for lack of better phrasing. She constantly thinks that her struggles are all her fault, and the masses of information online about how "aspies can't change" and "you should change the way you view certain things" is not helping because it's making her think that she's the one with the problem. I know she loves me and she wants to stay with me but she is caught between her own mental health and her love for me. What I want isn't a magic fix, I want advice on what I can do to support the woman who has devoted her life to supporting me.
Last night I had discovered that I passed my last class at university (I came back to uni to finish my bachelors degree at the encouragement of my wife, both of us giving up full time jobs in Japan) and I thought "I'll play a joke, make it seem like I failed...this should be funny," so I did. I looked at her with a serious face saying "I'm sorry..." waited a few moments and said "I only got a 5" (my uni marks 1-7, 7 being the highest, 4 being a pass) and for a few seconds she was really happy, but then she turned dark, saying that that was cruel because I made her question the entire reason she came to Australia with me, I made her think that the 8 months we have spent her have been a complete waste and her struggles have been for naught. She told me last night through tears that she wants me to ask how she is more often and to support her mentally more, rather than just hugging her and saying "I love you" and that she knows that in a week I'm going to forget this trauma and be back to not paying attention to her, just playing around online, watching youtube and the like. I'm afraid she's right...I'm afraid that I will forget her pain, just like I have in the past. I need advice on how to keep the memory of the need for betterment fresh in my head. The desire to be better for her at the forefront of my mind. I also want advice on how to treat her more like what she wants from people who might have cracked the code to NT needs for support.

TL;DR
Help me, an Aspie, by telling me how to support my NT wife psychologically.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Do you like lists? You could make a list of a bunch of little things to throughout the day, week, or month. Either a notebook or a file on your computer. One thing I do with my husband is try to give him some physical affection on the way by when I pass through the house. And try not to laugh inappropriately when something's bothering him, a rather difficult thing to do since it's a defensive mechanism on my part.

Tell her Aspies can change. Depending on the change, it's just a matter of programming it into our routines. =)

 

[Grumpy Cat]

A small calendar book would help. Ask her what things would make her happy and then write them in different days on your calendar. It will remind you of when to do the "little something" and she will be surprised from not having to ask you to do the "little something's" that she likes.

Examples of "little something's" could be - bringing her her favorite flower, a hug, a smooch, cooking her favorite dish, thank her for everything she does, say "I love you" while looking in her eyes (if only for a few seconds), watch a movie together, a back rub - ask her what she would like.

The thing is to make it seem like its spontaneous and you thought to do it without her asking. I know Aspies aren't used to this kind of thing according to the books I've read, but it makes all the difference to us NT's.

 

[Spiller]

Most Aspies aren't renowned for spontaneity, though I've read about keeping lists, reminders on your phone and computer and my favourite idea (if I get the chance ), post-it notes where you'll see them all the time.. on the fridge, in the car; "Buy flowers", "Kiss wife". Make a timetable or set a timer for how long you're on the internet and doing your stuff. There are also websites and councellors out there who specialise in Aspie relationship advice.
You've made improvements in your social skills and she obviously appreciates that, just remember she loves you for who you are, Aspieness included.. even allowing for the odd prank that falls awfully flat.. happens to everyone, that.
For the woman you love, keep trying!

 

[Suzanne]

Hi, so I am reading through your thread and coming out with plenty of ideas etc etc, and then I read that she is a NT which I did a bit of research on, since I was confused and I read that NT people are worse then both aspie's and autism together and thus, now your post confuses me lol

Has she ever taken the time to actually read up about Asperger's? I am trying to encourage my husband because he gets so mad with me at times! The thing is, it seems to me that you are accepting all the blame for being aspie, when if she is NT then that means that she is wanting too much from you, which you just cannot do!

Your joke doesn't seem all that a big deal but then again, lol I am aspie and do the same thing, but my husband just goes along with it.

I personally think you are being too hard on yourself!

 

[Harrison]

(somewhat tongue in cheek)

I used to tell males who asked this question to take a photo of their wife every morning as they left for work. On returning home they should study the photo really closely so when you see her you will note anything that has changed in the day

Of course it's ridiculous, the man will never see what his mate is expecting him to see, so make sure you also invest in a comfy couch.

 

[Plumeria]

I am an NT woman in love with an Aspie man. In my case, he broke up with me but I would do anything to rekindle our relationship. I've read a lot of NT/Aspie relationship books and I think you both might be interested in reading "Loving Someone with Aspergers Syndrome: Understanding & Connecting with Your Partner" by Cindy Ariel. This book is more for your wife but there are exercises at the end of each chapter that you can do together. I also enjoyed "22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Aspergers Syndrome" by Rudy Simone and "The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A Guide to loving in an Intimate Relationship with a Partner Who is on the Autism Spectrum" by Maxine Aston.

I know a lot of Aspies have already given you some great advice on what to do, so as an NT woman, I'll give you some things I appreciated my Aspie doing for me…
1. "Good morning" and "Thinking of you" texts once in awhile during the work day
2. A hug just for no reason or to show appreciation
3. Holding her hand in the car while driving
4. Holding shopping bags for her when out shopping
5. Kiss in the morning and kiss goodnight
6. A card that says how much she means to you (once in awhile and ESPECIALLY for holidays and special occasions)
7. Keep a picture of her in your wallet/car dashboard/office
8. Sit next to her on the couch when she's watching TV
9. Hug her at night before she falls asleep -- when she is asleep you can move to your side of the bed
10. Make her coffee/tea in the morning
11. Tell her you love her.

These simple things mean a lot to me … hopefully they will mean a lot to her too

Good Luck!

 

[AutumnRed]

I see there's some good practical advice here, so I won't try and improve on anything anyone's said. I have found myself in a similar situation with my wife, and I completely understand you when you say that that helping you has taken a toll on her psyche. I know what it's like to see the woman I love with all my heart, depressed, anxious, worried about me, blaming herself for anything you can think of, and being sick to death at my jokes. I haven't found a solution yet - but I've picked up some ideas along the way. I think when a NT woman falls in love with an aspie man, she doesn't quite know the handful she's getting herself into. She loves him because of all the great things (and especially potential) that comes with aspergers, but living intimately with an aspie will always take a toll.

I found that something that I implemented to help myself, also helped her. I designate certain days as 'aspie' days, and this means that I wish to be left alone as much as possible. When I want to be left alone, I write 'aspie day' on the calender, and she knows that I don't want to communicate much that day. Despite this seeming really selfish at first, I found that my wife began to thrive on having time away from me, worried less, and got more of her own things done.

I also think that because looking after an aspie man can be a bit of a full time job, it can become something of an obsession for a NT woman (especially if she has become what Tony Attwood calls an 'executive functioning wife'). Before she knows it, her whole focus is on her aspie man and she loses herself. I think that's the point where the self blame starts, she forgets you were always like that. The thing is, although she can get a lot from you, there will be other things that she needs to get from NT people - things that you can't provide for love nor money. I don't mean intimacy, I mean the usual stuff that NT's for whatever reason find so important, but that we don't.

I also strongly recommend that she sees a good counsellor/ psychologist. Not so much because there's anything wrong with her, but aspies don't really come with a manual, and she might find some good advice from an expert useful. It's possible that she doesn't actually know what she needs from you, so again this is where a counsellor could help.

You're obviously intelligent enough to come up with a strategy (or to use ones already suggested on this thread) to remember to ask her how she is, so I hope you can work on that one with successful results. One last thing, my wife talked to me about something called 'love languages' from a book she read, and she decided that 'service' is her love language. This means she does things for me to show me that she loves me, but also that I need to do things for her in order for her to feel loved. Giving her flowers is good, but cleaning her office for her is even better. I have served her in a practical way, and she feels loved an appreciated. Maybe your wife is similar?

I think the bottom line though, is that even though she looks after you, you can't look after her in all the ways that she needs, because as hard as you try, you're not programmed that way. But you will cover the most important bases - love, respect, honesty, loyalty - but she may benefit from having your permission to not be so worried about you, and also from having good support from other NTs.

I wish both of you the very best

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I see there's some good practical advice here, so I won't try and improve on anything anyone's said. I have found myself in a similar situation with my wife, and I completely understand you when you say that that helping you has taken a toll on her psyche. I know what it's like to see the woman I love with all my heart, depressed, anxious, worried about me, blaming herself for anything you can think of, and being sick to death at my jokes. I haven't found a solution yet - but I've picked up some ideas along the way. I think when a NT woman falls in love with an aspie man, she doesn't quite know the handful she's getting herself into. She loves him because of all the great things (and especially potential) that comes with aspergers, but living intimately with an aspie will always take a toll.

I found that something that I implemented to help myself, also helped her. I designate certain days as 'aspie' days, and this means that I wish to be left alone as much as possible. When I want to be left alone, I write 'aspie day' on the calender, and she knows that I don't want to communicate much that day. Despite this seeming really selfish at first, I found that my wife began to thrive on having time away from me, worried less, and got more of her own things done.

I also think that because looking after an aspie man can be a bit of a full time job, it can become something of an obsession for a NT woman (especially if she has become what Tony Attwood calls an 'executive functioning wife'). Before she knows it, her whole focus is on her aspie man and she loses herself. I think that's the point where the self blame starts, she forgets you were always like that. The thing is, although she can get a lot from you, there will be other things that she needs to get from NT people - things that you can't provide for love nor money. I don't mean intimacy, I mean the usual stuff that NT's for whatever reason find so important, but that we don't.

I also strongly recommend that she sees a good counsellor/ psychologist. Not so much because there's anything wrong with her, but aspies don't really come with a manual, and she might find some good advice from an expert useful. It's possible that she doesn't actually know what she needs from you, so again this is where a counsellor could help.

You're obviously intelligent enough to come up with a strategy (or to use ones already suggested on this thread) to remember to ask her how she is, so I hope you can work on that one with successful results. One last thing, my wife talked to me about something called 'love languages' from a book she read, and she decided that 'service' is her love language. This means she does things for me to show me that she loves me, but also that I need to do things for her in order for her to feel loved. Giving her flowers is good, but cleaning her office for her is even better. I have served her in a practical way, and she feels loved an appreciated. Maybe your wife is similar?

I think the bottom line though, is that even though she looks after you, you can't look after her in all the ways that she needs, because as hard as you try, you're not programmed that way. But you will cover the most important bases - love, respect, honesty, loyalty - but she may benefit from having your permission to not be so worried about you, and also from having good support from other NTs.

I wish both of you the very best

Sounds like your wife has a wonderful Aspie husband! You even understand that she has "NT" needs! I love the idea of Aspie Day! Your wife is so lucky to have an Aspie hunny like you who understands her so well!

 

[AutumnRed]

Sounds like your wife has a wonderful Aspie husband! You even understand that she has "NT" needs! I love the idea of Aspie Day! Your wife is so lucky to have an Aspie hunny like you who understands her so well!

Thank you very much, those are very nice compliments . We try our best to understand each other, and figure out what one another needs. Last year she went to Fiji to attend her brother's wedding, and I refused to go because I was angry at the inconvenience of having to leave the country (her brother wasn't from Fiji, why couldn't he have it in New Zealand where we ALL live?). I asked her why it's so important to go, she said 'he's my brother, you won't understand why, but I have to go'. She's right, I didn't and still don't get why it was THAT important, but as soon as she told me it was important to her, I did what I could to make sure she got way safely, and picked her up at the airport after midnight when she returned. I can see, even if I can't feel, how it must have been awkward for her to go by herself, but she is such a good woman that she didn't for a second pressurise me to go. From what I've observed about others, I don't think many women would be so understanding. I'm glad you love the Aspie Day! It came to me in a moment of extreme stress that whenever I know I'm going to have to socialise, I have should have whole days to myself on either side of 'the event' so I can recover and have less meltdowns. First of all I named these days after myself, but then I thought 'aspie day' might convey my meaning more. Thanks for being kind to me!

 

[AsheSkyler]

Despite this seeming really selfish at first, I found that my wife began to thrive on having time away from me, worried less, and got more of her own things done.

I completely agree! I subscribe to the belief "distance makes the heart grow fonder" and whether it's a short time apart like a day job or a few days to yourself, a little distance done in the right amounts can be wonderful for a relationship. Kind of makes me wonder if that's why dating couples seem to do better than couples that live together...

 

[AutumnRed]

Kind of makes me wonder if that's why dating couples seem to do better than couples that live together...

That makes a great deal of sense!

 

[On the Inside]

The thing is, although she can get a lot from you, there will be other things that she needs to get from NT people - things that you can't provide for love nor money. I don't mean intimacy, I mean the usual stuff that NT's for whatever reason find so important, but that we don't.

What, pray tell, is the "usual stuff".

Great post, my partner has definitely lost herself in the "executive function wife" role. This was brought on by the plans and dreams she had when we first got together. We were going to do so much with our lives, but that required me to make a lot of changes and take a lot of chances that were frankly out of my reach. I had agreed to these things, I have wants and dreams just like anyone, and I hadn't been diagnosed yet, so I thought that my lack of accomplishments and forward progress was from me just not yet finding my niche.

I have learned not to poison the broth with poor attempts at humor (well, most of the time). My partner has a list of things she would like for me to do, say, get for her, but unless I write them on a to do list, or schedule them out, I will invariably forget.

The list making/scheduling has worked for me, though. It does feel a bit fake and even though we Aspies aren't known for spontaneity, I can't help but think that true emotional support and gestures are spontaneous. That's a problem.

I had a therapist who suggested that "Love Language" book, which I read, but it seemed that my partner needs all 5 languages spoken, rather than just one or two. I was overwhelmed. Might be useful for you, though.

We have been in couples therapy with a counselor who has a lot of experience with Aspergers and Autism. We're learning a lot about each other, and it has been helping to dial down the emotionally incendiary interactions.

Hope you both can work out a solution.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

What, pray tell, is the "usual stuff".

Great post, my partner has definitely lost herself in the "executive function wife" role. This was brought on by the plans and dreams she had when we first got together. We were going to do so much with our lives, but that required me to make a lot of changes and take a lot of chances that were frankly out of my reach. I had agreed to these things, I have wants and dreams just like anyone, and I hadn't been diagnosed yet, so I thought that my lack of accomplishments and forward progress was from me just not yet finding my niche.

I have learned not to poison the broth with poor attempts at humor (well, most of the time). My partner has a list of things she would like for me to do, say, get for her, but unless I write them on a to do list, or schedule them out, I will invariably forget.

The list making/scheduling has worked for me, though. It does feel a bit fake and even though we Aspies aren't known for spontaneity, I can't help but think that true emotional support and gestures are spontaneous. That's a problem.

I had a therapist who suggested that "Love Language" book, which I read, but it seemed that my partner needs all 5 languages spoken, rather than just one or two. I was overwhelmed. Might be useful for you, though.

We have been in couples therapy with a counselor who has a lot of experience with Aspergers and Autism. We're learning a lot about each other, and it has been helping to dial down the emotionally incendiary interactions.

Hope you both can work out a solution.

The "usual stuff" would be (do I dare say it?) small talk. And then there's emotional support. Usually all girl stuff - shopping, gabbing on the phone- you know, the "usual" stuff.

 

[AutumnRed]

The "usual stuff" would be (do I dare say it?) small talk. And then there's emotional support. Usually all girl stuff - shopping, gabbing on the phone- you know, the "usual" stuff.

Exactly! Perfectly put . And I don't mean to belittle these things or suggest they aren't relevant, they just rate much higher on an NT's 'importance' scale.

What, pray tell, is the "usual stuff".

All of the complex ins and outs related to socialising and being part of the group, biological family included, complicated further by gender differences. Or... the polar opposite of how the world would be if we were all hermaphrodites and only communicated when there was something essential to say