• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

help- first relationship and highly "codependent"

F

Forest97

New Member
I need help bad. I met him on discord and I have unexpectedly been with him for about half a year, non-stop and across the united states at his family's house and I am unable to drive. Within about 5 days online we already said we felt in love. I told him I wasn't ready yet, one night he cried and said he couldn't be without me any longer. I told him to go ahead and drive across the united states to see me. And he did. After maybe a week of us being in my home town, he said he was drained and wanted to go back home. So we did, I've been here half a year without that ever being initially discussed. We have not been apart this whole time. The most we've been apart was when he walked to his grandpa's house down the street. :'0 there is so much I could say but I seriously need help. He's even in the room right now :' (

He is everything he told me he was, I think. I do think we are complimentary, understand each other as aspies and beyond that, we even resemble each other. Anyone could see we look and act alike. I love him. My feelings have been an extreme roller coaster everyday, because there is so much going for it but the co-dependency is as extreme as it probably gets. (He'd kill himself if I left him, he's been faced with the idea that it's manipulative, but he is just being honest. Even when I recently suggested me getting a little break with contact still over the phone, he sobs and says he doesn't know how I could feel that way and brings up killing himself again. Low self esteem, extremely prone to self blame, if I want to discuss anything that sounds remotely like I'm accusing him he has an extremely difficult time and always wants a black and white answer if he did something wrong or not. He has severe OCD and thought disorder. He was raised in cult-like religion and neglected. I've been through so much with him, I don't think he fully understands. It's frustrating because it's either I say he did do something "wrong" and he spirals and cries. Or I say no you didn't really do anything wrong, and it's complete relief and immediately everything is all better to him. Instead of ever being able to see situations for how they really are. Makes me feel alone. Emotionally draining in so many aspects I could go on. His communication tendencies also can drain me, he is known for talking or monologuing for a long time. Meanwhile I'm quiet and absorb all of it. Then suddenly his attention could stray to a phone, usually facebook for some reason.

The OCD is already sooo difficult to deal with for both of us, then there's the extreme dependency, and I feel like he asks too much of me. Like in the kitchen, little things he CAN do himself he will ask me to do like grabbing him this, grabbing him that, taking a lid out of his hands so that he doesn't get dirty. Another strange thing is randomly picking an object and saying hey, _ look at this. Look at this. It can be a spoon, it can be his dog, it can be pants, for no apparent reason. When I acted unamused one time (a spoon) he got really upset.

After our last meltdown recently, he's been saying all the time "I'm not good enough" "I'm stupid" "I don't know how to do things right" He does feel bad, he is sweet believe it or not, his thoughts are jumbled up and he doesn't know how to think. That's not his fault. At our worst points, which is when I can no longer hold up and I'm needing support, it's no good. He get's weirdly apathetic and invalidates my feelings. I think he told me some if it is because he doesn't want to be "wrong" because if he is, he's a terrible person who shouldn't live. and if there's a hint of thinking he did something wrong, he usually thinks it's just ocd trying to mess with him so he purposefully does OPPOSITE of what it's telling him and sticks with it.

So much of it sounds bad and I think most would tell me to not be with him but I know that he's a good person.

I miss home. My home life was hard, even in the midst of me being gone my house/family dissolved. and now the best place to live back at home is with my biological father that I haven't seen since kindergarten. My parent who abandoned me. I just think, because he probably feels like he owes me, I could finally live some place where I don't feel like a burden. but he abandoned me... I'll take up the offer anyway because I'm desperate.

I've been scared, because if I bring him alll the way from kansas to oregon, or DON'T do that... I don't want my first love to hurt himself.

I'm a 22 year old who has lived a reclusive life, not feeling close to even my family. I found someone I love and in the last meltdown he went for a bag with a knife, I was terrified and grabbed him and yelled at him to sit on the bed and "why would you do that?!" he argues with me and says "what?! I wouldn't actually hurt myself." "you should trust me" "you are making a big deal out of it" "I just like the idea of playing with it and lightly scratching myself" He seriously argued with me about this and was not making any sense.
 
Things seemed way better when I was in oregon (my home) with him. I knew and accepted the ocd and tourettes. But when we got to his home in kansas he had seperation anxiety to where I couldn't leave the room to go to a different room.

When we talked on the phone he had more confidence, he wrongly thought I was going to fix his life. He assured me that even though many people in my life have picked me up and figuratively dropped and shattered me, that I just need to let someone else pick me up and trust him.

I've since told him you can't take care of others if you can't hold up your own self, and it's been really hard to drill it into his head, I think he is only now just started to get it as he's broke me many times already.
 
I feel like I'm mostly saying the negatives about him. I was immediately comfortable with him, he is a good gentle, dainty, sensitive person. He does help me and reassure me, he has many times. I know that he wants to do anything he can to help me. I've talked to him about most these things, and I feel like it's settling in his mind. I hesitate to bring up everything at once, but I've defended myself as they've happened. I don't know what I want as far as help, he's even told me that I act bipolar towards him. The protective part of my brain has been intense all the time but then next few moments I love and forgive him. It's not healthy that I've made him feel inadequate, but how can I possibly make him feel like that outside of telling him.
 
First, welcome to the forums!

Secondly, boy, this is a sticky situation.

From what I've read, aspie couples can sometimes work out great, as both sides understand each other and recognize the importance of doing their part to make the relationship work.

However, sometimes they can be disastrous, especially when there are conflicting needs, more so when things are complicated by comorbids.

My first thought is that it sounds like your partner could really benefit from some counseling/therapy.
I'm guessing they've never really had someone who was there for them, and that might be why they're so possessive... they've waited so long to have someone to connect with... and now that they have you, they can't let you go. But they really need to understand that you are a person with your own wants and needs; you are not a thing, and you are most certainly not his chattel there to cater to his every call and beckon.

My next thought is what's going on in general? Are either of you working? Are you getting by okay? Do you have a plan to leave safely and securely if you have to?
 
"brings up killing himself again" does sound more than a bit manipulative. As does going for a bag with a knife with you right there. He got the response he wanted. Maybe he is more in control than you think.

You can't fix other people. They need to fix themselves. This sounds unhealthy for you. I'd say he needs to go in for some serious therapy and you could probably use some too. Separate therapy, couples therapy, whatever you can get. I see some serious co-dependency going on here.

Nobody makes another person feel inadequate just by wanting some space. If that is the case, he already feels inadequate regardless of what you do and there's nothing you can do to fix it.
 
VictorR said:
First, welcome to the forums!

Secondly, boy, this is a sticky situation.

From what I've read, aspie couples can sometimes work out great, as both sides understand each other and recognize the importance of doing their part to make the relationship work.

However, sometimes they can be disastrous, especially when there are conflicting needs, more so when things are complicated by comorbids.

My first thought is that it sounds like your partner could really benefit from some counseling/therapy.
I'm guessing they've never really had someone who was there for them, and that might be why they're so possessive... they've waited so long to have someone to connect with... and now that they have you, they can't let you go. But they really need to understand that you are a person with your own wants and needs; you are not a thing, and you are most certainly not his chattel there to cater to his every call and beckon.

My next thought is what's going on in general? Are either of you working? Are you getting by okay? Do you have a plan to leave safely and securely if you have to?
Click to expand...

Thank you so much. He's never had anybody, he's been lived in a small heavily religious town with some of the most NT-like humans I've ever met, went to a terrible school that all the decent parents withdrew their kids from, many traumas, heavily manipulative parents who let me tell you... have some of the most bizarre beliefs. Caused ocd by telling him things like, "the idle mind is the devil's playground" "if you even look at a woman you've already committed adultery" etc. Made him scared of everything, especially his own thoughts. Had trauma's very recently, scary near-death medical ones.
He had a very mild therapy, general autism. And only just addressed his OCD with me, he did a full sort of course, I think he could use more as it is a severe case encompassing all types of ocd there are.

Neither of us are working, we are both in the need of healing. We've been trying to do thrift store ebay flipping and I sometimes make frames with real butterflies inside. We get help with food from his parents, both of us try to not feel terrible about it. They are supporting enough for us to have our own space and food and are very kind. I think of from their perspective, I just show up. They've been very generous to me. For basic things I can be well taken care of whether it's my family or his. My mom will help me and get me if she needs to, I also don't think I'll be in any danger here. We're getting by okay.
 
Au Naturel said:
"brings up killing himself again" does sound more than a bit manipulative. As does going for a bag with a knife with you right there. He got the response he wanted. Maybe he is more in control than you think.

You can't fix other people. They need to fix themselves. This sounds unhealthy for you. I'd say he needs to go in for some serious therapy and you could probably use some too. Separate therapy, couples therapy, whatever you can get. I see some serious co-dependency going on here.

Nobody makes another person feel inadequate just by wanting some space. If that is the case, he already feels inadequate regardless of what you do and there's nothing you can do to fix it.
Click to expand...
He told me that holding the knife was soothing, maybe like to prove to himself that he wasn't going to hurt himself even though he wanted to. I attributed it to just his own self blaming/shaming habits. I thought that I kind of understood what that could feel like. But... I wouldn't do it in front of somebody and make them worry....
You're right there's nothing I can do to fix his feelings of inadequacy. I reassure I'm about it, I told him he's more than adequate but it doesn't matter.
 
I have already piled a lot up, but I also want to mention sleep problems. His sleeping times rotates and I'm stuck giving into it. He insists that it's too hard to sleep at a set time because of... not liking to lay down without immediately falling asleep because he doesn't like to get stuck with his own thoughts, and acid reflux. He's told me that he has insomnia but there has not be a single night where he falls asleep first. He doesn't always get restful sleep and has vivid dreams all night. I fall asleep after him and wake up before him and honestly, I feel too ill to exercise ever. 4 hours of sleep last night. I'll definitely push this one more.
 
Hey there welcome to the forums!
I hope you find support and make some friends here, I have, it's a great place.

So at your age only go forward, don't go back, as policy. (not a rule). Going to live with your dad seems like a reject idea to me, I know there is alot that you have had to leave out of your description. But it just feels wrong somehow. Unless did he invite you there? Do you know it to be a good place? Is he safe?

I want you to find a way to speak privately with someone you trust about how you could get out of your situation if you wanted to. It's called a safety plan. It's a good policy to have a plan even if you don't really need it. It's just a plan, not a bunch of assumptions, Which is all you have now, is assumptions and Hopes. *edit sorry that sounds diminutive. A plan is based on agreements, not assumptions. A commitment is a type of agreement.

*your plan should be detailed and simple, and well advised, and also include*
Practical things, like bus fare and baggage and destination(s) and all that, just in case.

I want to see you get into therapy too, if you can. Couples therapy is great too. Heres the thing. If you don't get couples therapy the relationship will almost certainly fail, like splatter, with big chunks. That sounds pretty mean I guess. I'm trying to be a mature and responsible human though, and this level of co dependence so early is really troubling.
*[ I was once a volunteer victim's services advocate, for survivors of rape, sexual assault and domestic violence. Safety planning allows a victim time to plan ahead, which increases her odds for survival. It's a specialty of a trained professional advocate, safety planning is.]

If you get along with your mom pretty well, I think you should call her. It needs to be a private conversation, somehow. I know that can be hard to do sometimes. You should be able to have some privacy, as a matter of decency. It's actually really important.[to have privacy]

Some couples really are joined at the hip, it happens, but usually it takes a few years to develop. It's troubling about never being left to be alone, just for a bit. So on that I would suggest that you use spiritual practice or exercise as an excuse to just be alone for a while, like 30 minutes or so. If the ppl there are not against it, meditation would likely be good for you to do alone. Some religious people are against meditation.

I really don't like the knife thing, that's kinda spooky, but I have knives too. I use mine to carve wood with, and stuff like that. *[ a weapon is a tool of power and control]

I hope I did this right. I want you to feel like I'm maybe an older friend that's trying to be supportive. And hopeful too. Thanks for reaching out. I hope it all works out well for you.
Love is precious, it really is.
I wish you well, both of you
 
Last edited:
Hi and welcome. Yes, this sounds full on for a first relationship, but they often are I guess. Well, hey, it got you out of home and across America, so maybe this has overall been a good thing for you too, out of your comfort zonew and into life.

You have explained really clearly what your boyfriends background is and how that links to how he is now. I think one issue for you is probably, do you want this level of challenge, and if so, how do you work on yourself sufficiently to have a life? It wouldn't be easy even then, as he will only slowly move forward, so you would often need to accept the limits of what he can currently cope with.

After only 6 months, it's not surprising he acts up when you seem unavailable. He seems very insecure, and you are currently his secure base. Read up on attachment theory and the idea of the secure base, often applied to a parent figure for a child, but this can equally apply in later relationships, where both people are likely to relate and react based on previous experience in attachments with parents or carers.

He won't change overnight and he does seem to need some further therapy, plus you probably do need some support too. What you are doing is more like adopting a child than having a relationship, think of it like that at this stage. Not to say there isn't somethings that are great about him and your relationship, just as adoption can be so rewarding.

You sound more secure than him, which is helpful, but you probably need to study some ideas on healthy relating or for example on helping people who are fairly insecure. Just like with children and young people, it's important to give high support if they are to learn to cope with challenges.

Challenge without enough support feels frightening for him, and currently it's making him clingy. This is a long term project, and if you don't want to take it on at your age and stage it would be understandable, and possibly wise. There's also never a guarantee in an adult relationship that the person you hope to empower by your support will accept help, or will stay in the relationship if they grow and change. He's a free person, and so are you. Do you want to be his mentor and responsible adult, is there enough in it for you, or are you hoping he'll change, and fast!
 
That was so well thought out @Thinx.

Have you grown at all in this relationship? Do you have the stamina to help him become more independent and less codependent? Because this will result in a young man who has a healthy attitude and in turn can be a better partner down the road for you if you stick this out. You can start first in the kitchen by explaining that his first step towards being supportive partner is to get things on his own in the kichen. If he constantly points things out, tell him he is allowed to tell you to look at one thing every hour or 5 things total in a day or whatever you think works out. These are small steps but still can work.

Are you strong enough to talk to him daily and get him to think like this? That clingy behavior is understandable but you need to have a bit of a break and alone time because this creates trust and a deep bond between the two of you.

It also helps him slowly walking to some independence which is critical should something happen to his parents or your mom.

Welcome, and thanks for opening up and clearly describing all that you are going thru. I hope l didn't say anything that seemed disrespectful to you.☺
 
Last edited:
My thoughts are with you guys.
If its your first Love... then maybe just encourage huge amounts of therapy for him and dont give up on him yet... and Oxazepam aka Purata, is the safest healthy anxiolytic on the market, would help him sleep. I am not from America, so I am praying there is free Healthcare for you guys in a community clinic or something.

I had crippling OCD, depression and anxiety... but after a few years in a healthy environment... I became relatively successful in life..... and love became wonderful

My prayers and thoughts are with you guys. Forest97 you are a good person
 
Forest97 said:
Thank you so much. He's never had anybody, he's been lived in a small heavily religious town with some of the most NT-like humans I've ever met, went to a terrible school that all the decent parents withdrew their kids from, many traumas, heavily manipulative parents who let me tell you... have some of the most bizarre beliefs. Caused ocd by telling him things like, "the idle mind is the devil's playground" "if you even look at a woman you've already committed adultery" etc. Made him scared of everything, especially his own thoughts. Had trauma's very recently, scary near-death medical ones.
He had a very mild therapy, general autism. And only just addressed his OCD with me, he did a full sort of course, I think he could use more as it is a severe case encompassing all types of ocd there are.

Neither of us are working, we are both in the need of healing. We've been trying to do thrift store ebay flipping and I sometimes make frames with real butterflies inside. We get help with food from his parents, both of us try to not feel terrible about it. They are supporting enough for us to have our own space and food and are very kind. I think of from their perspective, I just show up. They've been very generous to me. For basic things I can be well taken care of whether it's my family or his. My mom will help me and get me if she needs to, I also don't think I'll be in any danger here. We're getting by okay.
Click to expand...
The tale of the circumstances of his growing up certainly sounds like all the messages he was getting was that he has no personal agency. That was happening to me, being whipsawed by the expectations of others and unable to be my own person. It took a bit of work, especially leaving home, before i could make any progress at being an advocate for myself and being comfortable being me. I think he needs to accomplish that for you to have any prospect of a successful long term relationship.
 
@Forest97 ;

Hello and welcome :hibiscus:

It’s a bit difficult for me to express what I’m trying to say because of being awkward I miss a lot of things with a lot of words - so usually read things twice. Am almost 100% visual learner but want to share what I am seeing in your post.

It’s all about him!

WHAT ABOUT YOU! Your a sweetheart, this shows in the amount of caring you have for this fellow. The only thing I think “may” work would be for the two of you to go to therapy together since it doesn’t seem like he’s going to allow you to go without him or vice versa - but do you see how that right there sounds....he will not “ALLOW” YOU.

How did he become your keeper? This sounds terribly unhealthy and he is controlling you and it’s working! I had a guy do this to me when I was in my late teens, then another again in my early 20’s.

Try this, just an idea. Go back and re-read your post to us and please....look at where it’s about him and not you. Friend, this should be about you and your health and your life, please get some help with or without him. If your not a fan of mental therapy the I’d suggest a group called Al-Anon. They are free, no therapist running it and the way they live is wonderful. It’s not for Aspies per sey (Its a way of life - handling situations) it’s for those that love/live with alcoholics. I grew up in a home like that and was married a short time to an alcoholic - BUT It’s the way they live/believe that worked for me, the 12 steps can work pretty much for most all situations.

I’d say you could be considered to be in a situation that could follow along the lines of:
“Accept the things I cannot control and the wisdom to know the difference”. This is one of the twelve steps I learned over 40 years ago that still helps me. You cannot control this fellow, but he sure is controlling you and at some point something is going to give.

Please take care of YOU, it would be wonderful if you could take a day and get a massage, have a good meal with some friends and give yourself some space. Is there a nice way to tell him that he will eventually smother you and you will run away from him if he keeps this up? That’s nature, eventually you will have enough.

(((Big Hug)))
 
@Forest97

"I found someone I love and in the last meltdown he went for a bag with a knife..."

What does "went for a bag with a knife" mean?
 
Welcome. I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties. You mention that you're both "Aspies" so I assume you're both autistic. If so, reading through your posts I kept thinking: "How on earth could any autistic person live without having time to themselves?!?!?!?!? What a draining situation that must be!"

Try to be objective about your situation and about your boyfriend. Pretend what you wrote was written by someone else unknown to you. Would you think the boyfriend as described would need counseling? I surely think so. Objectively, he's got serious issues that are compromising his life and yours. You could benefit from counseling as well. If you are both autistic, the challenge would be finding a therapist who works with autistic adults. Going to NT therapists who work with NTs can be damaging and counterproductive.

I feel bad for you.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom