help- first relationship and highly "codependent"

[unperson]

borderlines use this technique called 'trauma bonding'.

You should really be asking all this in a borderline partners forum.

 

[paloftoon]

When you told this guy that it was okay for him to drive such a long distance to see you, you're saying/implying that you want the relationship to be serious.
Maybe there is still some interest, and that's okay. I agree with others on here that you need to find a way to step out of this relationship presently.

You mentioned your frustrations with your father but also how this might be a good opportunity to rebuild some sort of relationship with your father. Life is short. Go for it! If it doesn't work out, maybe by then you'll be able to go back to this person. Hopefully, the time with your father would be a positive transition and time for both you and your date/boyfriend to improve your overall selves.


As for the issues with your current boyfriend/date, leaving him doesn't necessarily ever have to be permanent, and it might be good to mention that you'd re-consider but that's also okay for both of you to seek other partners.

It sounds like he is with caring parents. You may want to reach out to those parents, and not worry about if your date/boyfriend is there to listen in as he should know anyway. But saying that you're going to leave might be better done with his parents there so that they can provide him support/encouragement. Tell them that you want to work on yourself to become more independent and that your boyfriend/date needs to do the same too. Even though you'd be breaking up now, it doesn't necessarily have to be permanent. It's okay for both of you to consider each other when your level of independence especially and if both of your levels of social maturity are definitely higher. It's hard to tell if a person's social maturity level has increased. I think it's good to be open to friendship and do remote activities with him once in awhile to keep some kind of bond. It makes the effort to meet and learn about each other feel like both of you still matter as people despite the imperfections.

You should focus on making yourself independent to the point where you can pay for your own food and maintain your own shelter. Maybe tell this other person the same thing, and then try to be together with him again. Oneself working to a place where they are more independent makes a person more self-controlled, can make a person more self-aware, and it is a healthy thing for a person to do.