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Hello all ASD’ers?

So already the awkwardness ensues as I eagerly try to garner a meaningful introduction from my tangled webs of thought, the comfortable go-to of ‘Good (time of day)’ already seeming like a haphazard attempt considering the time of day bares no validity upon a message forum strewn across various time zones and viewed at leisure or discretion.
Usually this wouldn’t be an issue.. but already perusing the boards today, this place means something to me and it has been decades since I’ve graced more than a brief acknowledgement or comment while perusing the internet, yet born and raised on the internet as it slowly arose and came to be commonly consumed and part of everyday household life..
Amazing how something so small and insignificant can become a drastically larger problem, and maybe I didn’t explain enough to frame the latter issue but suffice to say, I think I might be in the right place..

Hello all, I’m Adam.
I reside in Lindsay, Ontario, Canada. I’m 40yrs old, been married 21yrs, carpenter/engineer/computer geek/mad scientist who is rather eccentric, overtly honest and over-sensitive (though not to criticism) as well attributed as:

-a walking dictionary/grammar police, even though I still make many punctuation errors.

-a database of technical knowledge/search engine: though as well can’t seem to tell when someone is aware of or is in need to be aware of; certain information and usually doting the ‘captain obvious’ title when in error though sought continually for like niches of information.

-a social butterfly: when stepping into a role for another or sharing an interest but runs on basic scripts for small-talk until having a better assessment of needs or expectations and can not handle compliments or being referred to the likes of a savant, sometimes to the point of danger though I am quite the talented carpenter.

-dysfunctional: unable to sleep outside of 2am-11am, unable to wake easily, always restless and do not tire easily for days, no sense of hunger or appetite but occasionally experience the want to taste wonderfully flavorous scents, sometimes need days alone to recoup energy and well-being as nausea, nerves and senses often get overwhelmed either by eating, by pain and discomfort, by groups of people or random/situational instances, or by sleeping, waking to a new day can be excruciating and am usually a monster until I can get a handle on my senses.. but there is the odd day that isn’t an issue and becomes enamouring until either fleeting or overanalyzed.. and do gets ‘episodes’ leading to unconsciousness probably from overwhelm though attributed to vasa vagal syncope and mirror-pain synesthesia.

-and pretty sure annoying, irritating, over-achiever, extra, too much, insensitive, arrogant, “drunkard” (I can’t drink alcohol..), “like an autistic-child..” and several other intended derogatory statements make up a decent chunk of opinion as well. Those who know me well wouldn’t agree to most probably but there’s still some in there that hit the mark.

I believe I have dysgraphia and dyspraxia, I have SPD but I don’t believe it ever got to my GP or put on my chart as I was diagnosed in the school system in GR1/2 and my mother refuted the claims at the time, shortly thereafter enrolling me in social programs like Cub Scouts and other local such.
I am a toe-walker, pronated ankles and always have been either directly on toes or on the outsides of my feet, never flat-foot or normal as the resonance from my heel making contact constantly created a dull ache in my head, was easier to balance and I could not tolerate many things touching the inner-arch of my feet, grass and sand for instance; though had no trouble with the same contact over most of the rest of my body (except back of the neck and lower back).
Most of my senses are both hyper and hypo though they fluctuate and that’s the main dissonance that initially discouraged me from believing I have ASD.. that things came and went, not always excruciating and hard to cope with but comparable to migraines, painful arthritis or over-active nerves.. except no one experienced them the way I do, that I knew..
So 1-0 for difference, not an issue to be concerned until others can’t make sense of the constant wincing and grimaces or what you explain and soon start to believe you’re crazy, so like Elsa of Frozen, conceal don’t feel. Lost many jobs that way with people thinking I was an addict or was someone to be concerned about, even being entirely anti-violent.

Sorry, I’m rambling…. I do that a lot when I get going. I would love to say that I recently got diagnosed and that’s why I’m here, to join this wonderful community in the hopes of learning and understanding more but I fear that outside of the past 6 months, I was at an entirely different understanding of things.. a stereotype if you will, not necessarily the commonly conceived ones but stereotype none-the-less.
It was not until six months prior while I was contemplating reaching out for anxiety medication, having been diagnosed 2yrs previous with a mixture of GAD, masked anxiety, mild OCD and PTSD and foregoing CBT and other therapies to refresh the toolbox that the Christian Montessori school that my 4yo daughter attends, addressed an issue with her that they felt required a social worker.
My wife and I were both a bit perplexed, our daughter has not been an issue at all aside from occasional tantrums/meltdowns, she’s been exceptional rather. A god-send, nearly perfect as her name acclaims.. heck, she even helps us keep our routines if we step out of line or habit, she’s amazing.
Weeks of on-site assessment led to a recommendation to a behavioural doctor and further assessments, eventually concluding the she has Aspergers or high functioning ASD and Sensory Processing Disorder.. and based of what they saw, that I did as well.

The cost they listed was rather discouraging and considering my daughter is fairly intelligent, very well-mannered and empathetic/considerate of others, I honestly could not discern how they came to say my daughter differed so much from the other children. She has had a few irrational outbursts, and does need certain routines followed.. but I could not see what they were trying to tell us in that she was somehow abnormal.
I don’t mean to offend by any terminology used, it’s just the only way I can think to express accurately, especially the ‘abnormal’ aspect. I find normal doesn’t actually exist but is rather just a generalization of things, another stereotype.. but as well they are things that I can’t ascertain in my body and mind, even working together..
I -need- outside opinion and perspective, I don’t understand the commonality of normal when I haven’t once seen instance of continuity across the board to provide reference to ‘normal’.. we are all different and I have always known I am different.. I just couldn’t sort the extent or context until fairly recently.
Now, diving in in the pursuit of my daughters best interest, my lifetime of separately diagnosed and mystery/undiagnosed health issues and other problems have been correlated into a list of symptoms within one condition.
Already we have made leaps and bounds for our daughter but in doing so I’ve blown the dust off of a lot of things that were shelved for me, things that were not understood but couldn’t be managed or that were chalked up to imagination, anxiety or even coerced otherwise.. I’m not entirely certain I’m correct in saying.. but I believe my mother had her own version of ABA, but I was physically abused to be normal, paraded around as the tiny professor until I had enough.. thereafter I was a degenerate, a delinquent, extra, too much..

Between being misdiagnosed with epilepsy, not being believed about hand pain and fine motor function or nerve/sensory issues, not listened to about gait, posture ankle and back issues; believed that problems eating and GI issues were a teenagers cry for attention or a way out of school..
I missed 2/3 of my gr10 year because of my doctor accidentally believing I had a benign tumour in my brain causing epilepsy and constantly seeing specialists, getting tests/imaging and often overdosing me on epileptic drugs to try to manage episodes while ignoring my sleep and eating issues, only realized at that late time because of the entire home structure of my life being pulled out from under me and having to fend for myself without routine and structure.
I adored school, the learning anyways.. the social politics I had just got a handle on through cigarette smoking (great hidden stim at the time) and business as I entered secondary school so aside from health issues I wasn’t bad off.. but even achieving passing grades in majority of classes, after a certain amount of absence you fail.
I wish I could have sorted things with my doctor then but I got frustrated with the system then, always being pushed whatever pill of the day, jumping through hoops only to find months wasted and authenticity questioned again or waking in a hospital again..
There is far more to it.. unfortunately brain injury and childhood trauma as well, which is and has; made this venture quite a complex one.. I can recall many signs, symptoms and weird instances going back to at least the age of 3 in preschool..
..but because of divorce, house fire, break-ins, trauma and witness to trauma; as well as an open depressed fracture to the rear of my skull at the age of 6-7 though no recollection of, never been discussed of and majority of family either cannot remember back then, had no knowledge of or cannot be reached now.. <contd>
 
I imagine most of what I have proclaimed of myself probably does fall in line with being an aspie.. but well, there is a lot that I’m confused about and I imagine whosoever assesses me will be a bit too.. I don’t fully believe that I am even though it’s the only thing that has made this much sense or connected this well..

I worry about being a hypochondriac as I have been professed to be for the greater of my early life and masked ever since. I believe I probably am ADD or ADHD.. and possibly ASD of some sort..
But the gears are in motion.. my only hinderance at the moment is approaching my doc ‘the gatekeeper’ as he lovingly calls himself, to get a requisition sent for a pre-arranged proper assessment through my therapist.
I’ve been procrastinating for two weeks now, trying to prepare a list of symptoms, with his previously stated thoughts and conclusions, as well as my own, and my daughters diagnosis.. basically trying to make sure that I can provide as many details as possible and hoping I don’t get massacred for bringing things back to light after decades in the shadows.
I know I have to do it as it’s started to affect me more after I started recognizing some of my daughters behaviours.. it’s been a lot harder trying to function every day, and I’ve been self-employed since the age of 13, now at least working in a position that respects me and accommodates my needs.. but I am literally the only one who can do that work, work piles up if I’m not there to do it and if it sits too long, I will start losing clients and have little to no work..
Even just approaching my doctor can take that away, as previously my drivers license was suspended for nine years while epilepsy was entertained on the docket, even against my beliefs on the conclusion. Back then I didn’t have the bills I have now nor’ the family to look after.. if my license is taken again, I can’t afford to hire a driver for myself every day, I can’t afford to stay home and the pandemic extensively setback plans of larger property and home shop. I know there’s a question here somewhere.. but I’m expended as to what it is.. and I guess I’m just exhausted even thinking that I might be on the right track, after being on the wrong one all of life to this point.

I guess.. does anything sound similar? Am I wrong for feeling betrayed by my doctor? Technically I didn’t know what was going on and could only explain so much.. and he only sees what I can communicate, so really it’s not his fault but he should have had my best interest in mind and maybe even recommended counsel if he thought I lied or simply did things for attention, right? I never wanted medications and pills..

I still don’t now, I just want to be the best that I can be for my daughter as I know I’m not, and though I’m not suicidal, have had issues keeping it out my mind for most of my life, getting therapy was literally because I have everything I want in life.. I am a very lucky man whose has had a very lucky life and just topped it off with an amazing daughter who was an absolute angel but I still couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head, there mainly because I don’t function the same as everyone else.
I feel like a diagnosis of anything would change my world for the better right now, even if found to be a hypochondriac, at least faintly knowing for sure that it’s just manifested anxiety and not anxiety secondary to … would be a world of difference.. but no one has been able to sort that for me yet. Hopefully soon.. cheers. ;)

P.s. 39 sentences, 39 paragraphs.. punctuation is still not my forte and am told that's adhd talking..

Any advice, criticism or perspective on my madness is appreciated,;)
 

tree

Blue/Green
Staff member
V.I.P Member
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Thank you for the welcome, I wish I had’ve found this place sooner as already some of the resources here have been more helpful than months of scouring and scrubbing ASD blogs, videos, books and other documentation.

@Gerald: Story of my life.. I recognize that I have been through a lot in my life but at the same time it doesn’t affect me like it does others. I don’t look back on it as traumatic, I don’t have flash backs for things like that, that’s usually reserved for mundane regrets and other major missteps like falling off of a bike doing 30kmh and hitting the asphalt hard enough for a pedal to tear a 2” x 3” x 1” chunk of flesh out of my calf and impregnate my palms with pea gravel like bird shot as I hit the ground, yet I forever condemn myself over cursing expletives repeatedly in the presence of several 10yr olds nearby, myself 14 at the time.
My life is an open book, my history openly expressed to friend and stranger alike which supposedly denotes that I am co-dependent while able to function exponentially better alone, living in a hotel room and being a workaholic rather than in my home with a family, trying to live a normal life and failing.
The only time my past bothers me is seeing the negative impact it has on others as they register it, the sense of sympathy for suffering, that to me was not present.
I’ll happily divulge any detail or story as long as people don’t dwell on the negative aspects, after all I wouldn’t be me if my life happened any other way.. and I’m thankful for every event along the way for I’m still here and I’ve experienced so much, helped so many and made many dreams come true, my own and others.. if I was to refute any aspect to how I got here to this point, I wouldn’t be authentic to me and I’m proud of who I am, whatever trials that adorned the path and however broken I may be.. it’s still a beautiful existence.
 

Fino

Alex
V.I.P Member
"Normal" definitely exists. I know that makes people uncomfortable, especially people who frequently deviate from the norm, but there are certain developmental milestones that nearly all children hit at approximately the same age. It could be that your daughter is not following the same patterns. I would ask for specifics on that to make sure they know what they're talking about.
 
@Fino: She met all of the major milestones from 0-3 1/2yrs at or earlier than average (average I can accept, normal is relative to what it defines and can only be accurately defined if all other variables remain the same , for instance environment and parental engagement whereas average is a based percentile. I may be ornary and wrong but that is my belief and please correct me if you view it otherwise). The school interpreted her lack of ability to incorporate others imaginative play with her own and pushing her own on others, the lack of want or need of her peers, caring for them and being the teacher to help and coerce them into the things that they don’t understand as easily as her but getting easily frustrated or irate when she can’t communicate her needs. She reads exceptionally well but lacks association and understanding to many words and expression, when facing an issue her communication is rather confusing unless you’ve come to know her phrases and references, usually pertaining to a move or TV show she’s watched, able to reference the meaning but not able to express the words exactly as they are said, usually confusing the listener with a lack of syllables or improper prosody making it a strain to comprehend unless already aware of the phrase. She doesn’t understand the danger of heights on a playground and is often too wild in pushing safe boundaries seeking stimulation, and when stimulation is withdrawn, usually faced with an emotional overload that did initially take out 4 other children in a matter of a minute, which brought open the social worker. I’m sure I’m not doing it justice in brief explanation and I myself am not sure of an ASD diagnosis for her yet, we are still dealing with various doctors and she is going into the first year of kindergarten at public school this September, with the school providing a liaison to assist her if need be until it’s better known what help she may need going forward but currently the doctors and all staff that have dealt with her a fairly confident, even if we only notice glimmers of their diagnosis.
She has a lot of issues listening and registering what’s been said to her unless she is interested in what’s being said, which she will noticably fight other sounds and distractions simply to hear. She is aware of things outside what most of those around us consider ‘normal’, spotting excavators kilometres out as nothing but a visage on the horizon to specs a fraction the size of an ant macroscopically, texture and clothing are tedious works of planning as textures, colours, compression and coverage all have to be fairly consistent with one another. Something as simple as a fashion faux-pas or even the indifference of capri’s to leggings or short to pants; are things that can devastate her. Foods have to be crispy, crunchy or flavour-packed.. soggy or mushy is gag-worthy and she can tolerate spicier foods than us on some days(think louisana hot sauce or hotter), others even a hint of finely ground black pepper can burn her mouth.
She categorizes all of her toys and studies in various ways over time, sometimes colour, shape, type/species, texture.. lines up everything in rows around the house, gets stuck in bouts of saying the same phrase in many different variations, tones and emphasis, repeating it hundreds or more times before moving on. Is not shy but has a lot of trouble understanding many playground games, usually only playing games like freeze tag or red light/green light, where rules don’t change. My problem is, majority of these things I experienced as a child.. and even seeing it now, still see it as ‘normal’ behaviour for a child.. none of it stands out to me as any cause to view it otherwise.. the only time it does is when she is at a lack of words, when she has to point or gesture to get what she wants or needs.. she knows ASL and has since 6months of age but even in those moments she can’t sort what she’s trying to say and usually get a mix-mash of words that don’t seem to work together until after you derive what she sought for.. so I don’t honestly know that it’s ASD and not simply an atypical upbringing or childhood adaptation.. I’m not putting her on meds unless they are necessary for her, I don’t want to give her a label but I don’t want her to be confused either.. ergo why I’m pushing myself to get checked, because no matter what we are very similar both in both our youth as well as me grown up.. one anxiety that I have is that I have helped shape her this way because of how I am and how I carry myself but I am assured otherwise from those around me that’s not the case because even they don’t see the things I do, but I can’t even dismiss that because kids are inherently more aware than we give them credit in most cases.. so again, back to only a pro can sort it out.. but then there aren’t many pro’s either from what I gather.. so live and learn, one day at a time.. and well, I’ve now got a great community to look to for advice and opinion.. I hope, lol.
 

VictorR

Random Member
V.I.P Member
Welcome!

I like your reference to Elsa and her father giving her gloves since that's my favorite analogy for ABA and it's approach of masking or discouraging behaviours (we can think of her powers as a special interest or stim) deemed as abnormal or otherwise undesirable. Often done with good faith, but good faith doesn't always lead to good results, and I'm quite heartened to see that's there's an increasing availability of details on strength-based approaches that aim to work with neurodivergent children to bring out the best of their abilities.
 

Richelle-H

Relaxed Relativity Inspector
V.I.P Member
Welcome to the Forums Adam.

I am not a fount of wisdom, far from it if truth be told. Therefore, what you take from what I write is on you, but what is to follow will be completely honest from my viewpoint.

I had a boringly normal upbringing even if my interactions with it were always a bit odd or a trifle off. I was a very quiet child, listening and soaking up what was said around me. I learned to read at an early age and books became a lifelong passion as well as a place to retreat to and learn. Even so, there were odd things remembered (such as my mother using a piece or two of Tchaikovsky's music as my lullaby).

Mostly I just kept to myself to keep from seeming strange or weird (as if using conversationally infrequent words that you then must explain is inherently strange or weird). Of course I had a few idiosyncratic ways of being but I wore them proudly. At some point in my teens I started to revel in my intelligence and abilities even though I was painfully shy and timid well into my twenties.

I understand your daughter's aversion to some foods. I too had many as a child. Some of those were due to texture and some due to taste which my mother found a way to enhance so that I would at least try them. Most of those dislikes or avoidances have either disappeared or become much less of an issue over time. I also understand the perseveration on some level. I do not repeat the same phrase but the same thought, sometimes repeating a word or two but trying to find a way to rephrase it to make it better understood as if I am talking to someone who does not speak my language. That may be something that comes along for the ride with some of us on the spectrum as well as my tendency toward echolalia (not word for word perhaps but the exact same meaning).

When I entered my forties, something precipitated my seeking a diagnosis through my HMO at the time. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and that was reconfirmed again a decade or two later. I never saw my life as difficult but I am sure I posed embarrassment or problems for a few of the people around me, growing up. I chose my own path and learned to work within the confines of society. I consider myself normal even if I come off as a tad eccentric to others. I am rarely ignored unless I wish to be! ;)

I hope you find what you need for yourself and your daughter as you move forward.
 

Stuttermabolur

A psychologist said so
V.I.P Member
You come across well and are a good writer. Welcome! I hope you'll stick around.

I think it is good to keep in mind that we often aren't the best judges of how "normal" we seem. I always felt relatively standard (not any more dissimilar from the mean as anyone is), but some people I know mentioned that I come across as deeply weird or awkward, even though I don't mean to be. I think it's great that you are supporting your daughter and going on a similar journey as her so that you can connect better. Perhaps it would be informative for you to check out a thread I created recently (if you haven't read it already) about how we used to play (or not play) as children: Common childhood interests you did not have
 

Ronald Zeeman

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
You wrote too much for me to read now, just you to know I own a piece of property not that far from you, Caesarea Ontario.

Either way welcome to the site.
Incidently one of my sons is trained as a cabinet maker, all his equipment is in my basement. He does not use it much.
 
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Streetwise

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
im in the uk, im correct in thinking you have a type of socialist healthcare?,i ask! as advancing from here, it will effect your care ,i wasn't diagnosed for 45 years, you'll learn that very very common .

I have very high functioning autism oh! the irony of that label, when i can't even visit a completely empty gp practice,phone anybody,forget what the burners on the hob will be, couldn't pass cse english -lowest matriculating standard at the time



Diagnosis isn't a panacea for a blissful life 6 years later barely feel the difference ,coping with anxiety is the big kahuna
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
if I was to refute any aspect to how I got here to this point, I wouldn’t be authentic to me and I’m proud of who I am, whatever trials that adorned the path and however broken I may be.. it’s still a beautiful existence.
Your belief in yourself is so strong and that is where I want to be. My mind saw as traumatic the social and sexual isolation I experienced as a teen and young adult. That really messed with my self concept and body image. I did not know I was ASD at the time diagnosed at 60) and I am now happy that I was able to overcome my deficits.
 
@Richelle: I love your name . Sorry I’ve tried writing a response a few times but it gets huge and dark even though still positive and intended to be caring and light, just how I tend to express things. In response, aside from the obvious stains I portrayed my childhood was not unlike your own. I was never shy but did eventually become quiet and reserved and recognized my limitations.. never really accepted, which probably could have resolved a lot for me, but I recognized and like Edison, went on a journey exploring a million ways not to do something in-between enjoying my own passions. I’ve never really fit in anywhere and though I’ve never found myself odd except in the expressions of others and the inability to routinely work a 7-5 reliably. Afternoons, graveyard, overnight, overtime, 18hr+, swing shifts, etc.. as long as I cared about the job I would always do whatever it took, over and above what is expected even, free even.. but mornings are certainly my enemy, that inability and my eating are all I myself find to be odd of me. I don’t find myself to be all that intelligent but I am very capable, I have trouble providing myself with the same care I try to make sure everyone else receives but that’s because of time management, and always wanting to be doing something efficient and productive.. most things for others I can base in a certain timeframe and fit it into my schedule somewhere easily.. things for me vary in time depending on how I am at the time and makes it harder to schedule without allowing an additional grace period of time, which makes me anxious and burns me out if not needed making the care now emotionally irrelevant.. it’s easier catering to others, I productivity while usually gaining emotional benefit from others being happy because of it. The emotions of others significantly affect me even if they have nothing to do with me, they don’t have to talk to me or be carrying themselves in a noticable fashion; simply being in a room with someone who is depressed, frustrated or (other negative emotion here) can drain me if I can’t keep myself focused or am not having an otherwise good day.. it would seem like sequential thinking as though my mind traverses hundreds of thoughts inside minutes, the parts I interpret or use remain on one single path, adjusting course and stops according to what transpires or is needed at the time. It usually adjusts the bigger picture over time so I remain in details for the most part, working back from. Other details like negative aspects of my environment, I seem to be aware of even when I’m not actually cognizant of yet.. and that’s usually the same of those others I speak of, until for both of us time has passed, things have been processed and the matter is a bit more clearly represented. Still in those times it’s difficult, usually why I prefer working along as it provides less distraction, not that I am anti-social but that any form of socializing usually expends energy, sometimes even with just presence alone, hypervigilance?
 
@Stuttermabolur : Thank you very much, I did actually do very well writing in school, not the actual handwriting but writing in general. Probably because books were the main brunt of my childhood.. that and exploring what lessons and information the books taught, whether it be imagining my own adventures, refining newly acquired knowledge and skills or submerging myself in an interesting topic and fleshing out the various tendrils of information comprising it accordingly, compiling a mental omnibus for it in categories of interest.

That and most of my social skills were honed across various text-based RPG’s, not entirely similar to things like D&d but rather community made interactive stories that all players helped shape through their own interactions with the world and one another. Majority of those I did well on were ones of dystopian apocalyptic futures resembling the likes of Judge Dredd and Mad Max, survivalist games where resourcefulness, skill and relationships can make or break your character, while as well navigating the mysteries of subterfuge and social politics.. I lived an actual second life in many which eventually helped me develop better relationships with those around me. I’m still not the best at maintenance but I can show others better how I feel and care for them because of.
 
@Ronald Zeeman : I apologize, I am horrible for writing far too much and not being able to generalize or simplify, sometimes a bit scatterbrained as well.
It has been great hearing from so many wonderful people already, every one but I am astounded to find someone so close to home. I actually grew up in Caesarea and would love to talk sometime, even if just a coffee and conversation somewhere.

Unfortunately I don’t have the space to set up any more tools t the moment between my home in Lindsay and shop in Markham but whenever we get more land (nearby) I can always offer some space to set it up and maybe send some clients or work his way, if interested at the time.
 

Stuttermabolur

A psychologist said so
V.I.P Member
@Richelle: I love your name . Sorry I’ve tried writing a response a few times but it gets huge and dark even though still positive and intended to be caring and light, just how I tend to express things. In response, aside from the obvious stains I portrayed my childhood was not unlike your own. I was never shy but did eventually become quiet and reserved and recognized my limitations.. never really accepted, which probably could have resolved a lot for me, but I recognized and like Edison, went on a journey exploring a million ways not to do something in-between enjoying my own passions. I’ve never really fit in anywhere and though I’ve never found myself odd except in the expressions of others and the inability to routinely work a 7-5 reliably. Afternoons, graveyard, overnight, overtime, 18hr+, swing shifts, etc.. as long as I cared about the job I would always do whatever it took, over and above what is expected even, free even.. but mornings are certainly my enemy, that inability and my eating are all I myself find to be odd of me. I don’t find myself to be all that intelligent but I am very capable, I have trouble providing myself with the same care I try to make sure everyone else receives but that’s because of time management, and always wanting to be doing something efficient and productive.. most things for others I can base in a certain timeframe and fit it into my schedule somewhere easily.. things for me vary in time depending on how I am at the time and makes it harder to schedule without allowing an additional grace period of time, which makes me anxious and burns me out if not needed making the care now emotionally irrelevant.. it’s easier catering to others, I productivity while usually gaining emotional benefit from others being happy because of it. The emotions of others significantly affect me even if they have nothing to do with me, they don’t have to talk to me or be carrying themselves in a noticable fashion; simply being in a room with someone who is depressed, frustrated or (other negative emotion here) can drain me if I can’t keep myself focused or am not having an otherwise good day.. it would seem like sequential thinking as though my mind traverses hundreds of thoughts inside minutes, the parts I interpret or use remain on one single path, adjusting course and stops according to what transpires or is needed at the time. It usually adjusts the bigger picture over time so I remain in details for the most part, working back from. Other details like negative aspects of my environment, I seem to be aware of even when I’m not actually cognizant of yet.. and that’s usually the same of those others I speak of, until for both of us time has passed, things have been processed and the matter is a bit more clearly represented. Still in those times it’s difficult, usually why I prefer working along as it provides less distraction, not that I am anti-social but that any form of socializing usually expends energy, sometimes even with just presence alone, hypervigilance?
What you are describing here sounds a lot like Sensory Processing Sensitivity. I myself only learned about it a couple of months ago, but I fit it to a tee. You can take a very simple test through this link.
 
@Streetwise : not socialist but universal healthcare. Means everything until 16/18yo is covered, past that majority is covered but not things like dental, optometry, podiatry or chiropracy.. and mental aspects are only covered if deemed severe and/or debilitating. Options like cognitive therapies are still covered with extended waits but psychiatrics and psychology are still either fairly expensive avenues or extensively lengthy venues to wait for unless in crisis.

I’m not expecting a diagnosis to fix my life.. rather I’m looking for the perspective it will give because i’elived my entire life amiss in others views and interpretations of what is for me, never actually receiving an educated answer to affirm to. So I’ve guessed my way through my entire life, at first believing I just had an overactive imagination or need for attention.. then believing something was actually physically wrong with me, then again turned back to attention-seeking and anxiety issues, re-affirmed anxiety issues that mostly resolved aside from the imaginings of childhood still occurring and needing to sort whether it actually is just anxiety or that the anxiety is happening as a reaction to, like it feels and appears to me. I’m unsure whether it’s manifested or an actual reaction but I’ve been unsure my entire life. I believe knowing even just a few details to direct to one side or the other would do wonders for my ability to cope.. just knowing. It’s not going to make it any easier dealing with others, nor my overall life in general.. but it will be easier for the biggest critic of all, me.. just knowing what to believe, because when everyone calls you crazy and you feel crazy, you start to believe your crazy but that doesn’t always mean you are crazy, just means things probably got misunderstood along the way.
Several people have tried to convince me that I am the smartest person they know.. I have trouble believing things like that because I know that I’m probably not the smartest person they’ve known but if enough people said it to me, over time I might start thinking it.. and then start believing it.. and simply believing in something can do wonders both good and bad.. I could start believing I’m smarter than someone like Bill Gates or Elon Musk.. or I could believe I’m as capable as Einstein or Edison.. depends on what aspect I’m believing about it.. then various different outcomes when all I did was give a few tips about how to do something and do a good job with the task I was given and without the opinions of more people or taking them into account, it’s something I can only adjust my belief around without actually testing or analyzing the statistics to determine the actual.. and doing so would provide an answer across many factual contexts. I know psychiatry and psychology still require good relationships to be somewhat accurate but at least it’s a fair baseline to start from since the only access I’d had otherwise has been under the controlling hand of my mother or through doctors pushing medication, never actually catering to my own well-being.
And yes.. high-functioning.. I both love and hate that term. I’ve been a ‘high-functioning’ person with anxiety my entire life.. anxiety has always been fairly easy for me to dismantle, it’s only the downward spirals that I get trapped in that I have trouble with and they usually stem from overwhelm or inability.. it wasn’t until recently that I realized a lot of my overwhelm and inability to do things are based in my senses and not necessarily my thoughts as it was believed. It could still be anxiety causing the sensations but to me it doesn’t present that way.. but the fact of the matter be, very few if any have actually recognized me having difficulty or trouble outside of my wife.. if I wasn’t honest with people I care about they themselves proclaim that they wouldn’t know any different s I’m always a content, optimistic person.. with some child-like aspects and exaggerated or comical mannerisms at times.. it took me a while to learn that that’s what it meant, that most of the issues were internal ones, not that functionality was any better but rather not seen or noticable. That irritated me before I even learned of ASD presentations of and started to recognize a few similarities.
I know it’s not easy, no life really is.. but I hope you can manage and as well that the community here somehow can alleviate at least some burden to make whatever can be even just slightly easier, enough to give yourself grace and rest to keep the adventure going no matter the pace. I have trouble shopping, I have a lot of trouble going to new places I’ve never been, even in my own area, I have a lot of trouble talking on the phone and even in-person sometimes…. I am devastated when I can’t do something productive.. even if just simply making some type of craft or art.. but I myself can’t stop trying, I’ve just had to get used to needing to take a few extra breaks and to try to look at new angles, to think around how to keep getting things done because it doesn’t have to be the usual way people do things and it doesn’t have to be perfect.. just as long as it’s still getting done little by little. Always give yourself credit for the little wins as far too many mistakes and happenings are perceived as failure.. and we don’t actually fail unless we stop trying so-to speak.
 

Ronald Zeeman

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
@Ronald Zeeman : I apologize, I am horrible for writing far too much and not being able to generalize or simplify, sometimes a bit scatterbrained as well.
It has been great hearing from so many wonderful people already, every one but I am astounded to find someone so close to home. I actually grew up in Caesarea and would love to talk sometime, even if just a coffee and conversation somewhere.

Unfortunately I don’t have the space to set up any more tools t the moment between my home in Lindsay and shop in Markham but whenever we get more land (nearby) I can always offer some space to set it up and maybe send some clients or work his way, if interested at the time.
I would be interested in getting together. Caesarea is a nice town.
We own a pretty decent lot in town. My son works full time fixing robot got a Electro-Mechanical diploma after never completely finished his cabinet making diploma. he currently see s this as a hobby. Once he gets married gets his own place and sets up a shop. Mean while his stuff sits in my basement.
 

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