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Hearing things that have not been said

Suzanne

Suzanne

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
This obviously happens to me too often, but the catharsis came today and has really freaked me out.

Discussing with hubby the mystery of why a friend stopped being friendly with me (very basic, without going into heavy details). My husband came out with: why does she have to be at fault? Why can't it be you? Immediately, I felt hurt and say that it is comments like that, which makes me feel he is no where near trying to be a support for me. He argues the point and...... next second says that he did not say that, but: how could he know, since he was not there at the time etc? I DID NOT HEAR HIM SAY THAT. Bizarrely, I could almost taste the word: fault. He insisted that he had not said this to me. At first, I thought he was covering his tracks, because he realised that he was not being nice to me, but flipping heck, he swore an oath on God that he did not say the part about fault, which leaves one conclusion: I am disillusioned here, because I HEAR him say it and even played it over in my head.

I have to now face facts that I hear things that are not being said.

Thankfully, because I was frightened, Jehovah (God to me) came to my rescue and helped me to reason. So I said to hubby. Ok, it is obvious that I thought I heard you say a negative against me, so despite you saying something else, perhaps you can agree that with what I perceived you said, my reaction was normal and thus, totally misplaced if you said you could not possibly know what the issue is? Lol he reluctantly agreed that yes, it is true what I say.

The thing is, I am a reasonable person, and if I heard my husband say that since he was not there, he cannot suggest anything, I know I would have reacted decently, because it is a fact.

I feel scared.
 
Confrontational people can be extremely "forgetful" like that. I didn't understand this part of the story:

Suzanne said:
He argues the point and...... next second says that he did not say that, but: how could he know, since he was not there at the time etc?
Click to expand...

but it does sound like he's gaslighting you. People will often deny having said things that make them look bad. I think it has to do with social reality, which is diferent from objective reality in that it is just whatever people believe to be true.
 
Ylva said:
Confrontational people can be extremely "forgetful" like that. I didn't understand this part of the story:



but it does sound like he's gaslighting you. People will often deny having said things that make them look bad. I think it has to do with social reality, which is diferent from objective reality in that it is just whatever people believe to be true.
Click to expand...

The truth is, I am still finding it very hard to accept, but have no choice but to go along with my husband because otherwise, there will be no peace. I am stuck though, because as soon as he swore an oath on Jehovah, I had no choice but to accept that I am at fault here in my hearing, which freaks me out. Because if he truly didn't say it, then whoa and if he did, he is playing mind games with me. For he saw how upset and distressed I was, but did not back down and even, several hours after, still asserts that he did not say what I heard him say!

I have no choice but to believe that I am at fault here and not him. If he had not sworn an oath, I would have high suspicion that he is not fessing up! Because that is what I thought: you are covering your tracks here ie saying something completely different, just to put yourself in a better light. But honestly he is not a man to swear by God if he is lying!!!!
 
Having reread what you said, I now believe that he genuinely believes what he said and that is why he swore an oath. Wow this is so hard; I keep thinking I need a secret recording machine with me or something!!
 
Suzanne said:
This obviously happens to me too often, but the catharsis came today and has really freaked me out.
Click to expand...

Yes- it WAS a catharsis and as you already know, it happens too often to you. Reflecting a condition that must be resolved.

That your husband has failed to relate to you as an Aspie. You need to directly pursue whether or not he can, or really wants to- regardless of any religious oaths. The same challenge that is pervasive to any Aspie-NT relationship. A much greater issue than pondering why one of your friendships failed, regardless of fault.

Otherwise it appears you are in a relationship where your NT husband is actually waiting for YOU to "come around" to his way of thinking. Even though you know you can't, but he doesn't. Which perpetuates a vicious cycle of misunderstandings for the both of you.

Sorry if I'm being so blunt, but you seem so close to the answer here yourself. I hope you can somehow work it out to your satisfaction and happiness.
 
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Suzanne said:
If he had not sworn an oath, I would have high suspicion that he is not fessing up!
Click to expand...

I'm sorry, but you are handing out get-out-of-jail-free cards here. If all someone has to do to convince me they are right is tell me they're not lying, then guess what, I'd have to believe anything anyone told me that they prefaced with "this is not a lie". And people would catch on pretty quickly.
 
Judge said:
Yes- it WAS a catharsis and as you already know, it happens too often to you. Reflecting a condition that must be resolved.

That your husband has failed to relate to you as an Aspie. You need to directly pursue whether or not he can, or really wants to- regardless of any religious oaths. The same challenge that is pervasive to any Aspie-NT relationship. A much greater issue than pondering why one of your friendships failed, regardless of fault.

Otherwise it appears you are in a relationship where your NT husband is actually waiting for YOU to "come around" to his way of thinking. Even though you know you can't, but he doesn't. Which perpetuates a vicious cycle of misunderstandings for the both of you.

Sorry if I'm being so blunt, but you seem so close to the answer here yourself. I hope you can somehow work it out to your satisfaction and happiness.
Click to expand...

It is ok about the bluntness, because you are accurate. I am going to try and find information on female adult aspergers and email him the link.
 
Suzanne said:
This obviously happens to me too often, but the catharsis came today and has really freaked me out.

Discussing with hubby the mystery of why a friend stopped being friendly with me (very basic, without going into heavy details). My husband came out with: why does she have to be at fault? Why can't it be you? Immediately, I felt hurt and say that it is comments like that, which makes me feel he is no where near trying to be a support for me. He argues the point and...... next second says that he did not say that, but: how could he know, since he was not there at the time etc? I DID NOT HEAR HIM SAY THAT. Bizarrely, I could almost taste the word: fault. He insisted that he had not said this to me. At first, I thought he was covering his tracks, because he realised that he was not being nice to me, but flipping heck, he swore an oath on God that he did not say the part about fault, which leaves one conclusion: I am disillusioned here, because I HEAR him say it and even played it over in my head.

I have to now face facts that I hear things that are not being said.

Thankfully, because I was frightened, Jehovah (God to me) came to my rescue and helped me to reason. So I said to hubby. Ok, it is obvious that I thought I heard you say a negative against me, so despite you saying something else, perhaps you can agree that with what I perceived you said, my reaction was normal and thus, totally misplaced if you said you could not possibly know what the issue is? Lol he reluctantly agreed that yes, it is true what I say.

The thing is, I am a reasonable person, and if I heard my husband say that since he was not there, he cannot suggest anything, I know I would have reacted decently, because it is a fact.

I feel scared.
Click to expand...

You're ok.

It is normal to 'hear' things that are not being said. That's partly because the other person's face language can show whether they're suppressing emotions, but we detect subliminal emotions anyway--from the very beginning, primates watch each other's faces closely to discern intent. You are not imagining things.

But, as I know myself, I'm not always correct about what I'm not imagining.

I agree it's not about you. It's more likely about her reaction to something she's just noticed that makes her uncomfortable with herself. Some boundary, some preference, some assumption that she's never questioned.

As for hubby--well, people do say what they're thinking, and in NT-land, that's a bad thing. Since hubby doesn't want to be a bad person in his own eyes, and he can't take back what he said, your grace-filled recovery did all the right things. You're not crazy and you didn't imagine it.

Compliments on remembering to reach out to the ultimate trustworthy source you know--Jehovah--in the midst of this. I believe God in any form is a never-ending source of strength, and I need to remember to ask God for help more often. I believe God doesn't get tired of us as people can get tired.

Grace and peace!

EDIT 2: Gack, I'm an idiot. Apparently Rudy Simone's book & video are about 22 Things is for the woman to know about a male aspie. We need that list for a WOMAN. Dang.
 
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There is a heap of things that could have happened here, and we can't really know without a recording.
He could have said one thing and then denied it.
He might have thought one thing and said another.
He might have said something, and you heard wrong.
Our (humans not aspies) senses are not 100% foolproof, and the brain often makes assumptions and associations we are unaware of.
One of the benefits of NTs annoying habit of repeating everything is it helps deal with this limitation. Don't hold too firmly to offense, and keep talking (just like you did).
 
Ylva said:
People will often deny having said things that make them look bad.
Click to expand...
I can pull three examples to support that from my own history, and on top of it they swore I was clinically insane or a pathological liar because I wouldn't let them deny what they said. I do NOT make up things like "you called my son an ungodly mistake", that kind of thing I would only accuse somebody of if I had heard them say it verbatim. It's bad enough saying something incredibly stupid and insensitive, but must some people add insult to injury by then claiming it didn't happen? Bleedin' little cowards.
 
I do the same thing. One time I was sitting with my wife and I swore she said something that she said she didn't say. It freaked me out and I was like I am hearing things.
 
I don;t know how to use this thing but this is meant for suzanne; Either you are going mad or you did hear a voice. I am not religious but i am spiritual and do believe there is a higher being. There are spirits good and bad and maybe it was one of them. Listen to the message and if it "resonates" with you then take it on board. Otherwise file it away, it may make sense at another time. If your husband said he did not say it, do you have any reason to doubt his word? Always go with your "gut" instinct or intuition it is there to protect you so don't ignore it. I wish you health and love.
 
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