Having trouble dealing with aspie meltdowns

[Patience]

i know I've posted before about my boyfriend's tantrums and meltdowns. He is undiagnosed and won't go to seek help- we've been together just over 2 years and are both middle aged. We broke up after one a year ago, then got back together when things cooled off. He won't talk about the meltdowns to me. He says such mean and terrible things during one that they are shaking my belief in him and the relationship. He will say sorry a few days later, but not apologize specifically for the personal insults he threw my way. Because of this I feel like he must believe the mean things he says during a meltdown. He's only had 2 meltdowns with me this year, which is incredible and I realize he must be trying very hard. We are looking at houses and thinking about marriage and family. It's at his lead but I know it's stressful.

He blew up at me in public a couple days ago because I was late for an event due to heavy traffic and my phone ran out of juice. I called him right before it died and told him where I was and would meet him, but my phone was dying. The traffic was so heavy I actually stopped and borrowed a waitresses phone in a restraint to call him and tell him I was stuck in the traffic jam, currently in this area, and would keep trying to get there. I did get there eventually but couldn't found him in the crowd until after the concert. He was cold and furious with me. He ranted that I had done everything from stand him up, get kidnapped, lied to him about why I was late, to just avoiding him. It was all so untrue and I cried right then and there. He apologized the following night for "being so mentally ill the other night." But that's it. Now I'm left to wonder about all the awful things he said and I can't move past it, I feel stuck.

I would live any advice from NT dealing with this or Aspies who know what it feels like on the inside. He is usually very loving, demonstrative, and the relationship has been very strong. Thanks..

 

[Slithytoves]

Hi, Patience.

Welcome back! I just read your other thread on this problem from last year. I'm sorry to hear there hasn't been any meaningful progress.

A meltdown is a very intense fight-or-flight response, and many people who have them say they almost feel like an out-of-body experience, where they are watching themselves freak out but have absolutely no control over it. They often come on as quickly inside as they look on the outside, so it's not like you're the last to know when he's going to explode. He may often be caught off-guard, too. I don't have meltdowns myself, but my partner has a history of them and a friend had a huge one over the holidays last year that ultimately ended his relationship. Both have shared a lot about their experiences with me.

I wouldn't necessarily assume that your partner's failure to apologize for specific insults indicates that he really feels those things are true. When he's in meltdown, his brain chemistry is going pretty haywire. He may not even remember what came out of his mouth.

I can understand why he doesn't like to talk about the meltdowns. No matter how defensive/defiant he seems, inside they probably upset/confuse him. Doing a debriefing with you afterwards to heal things could be too much for him to deal with, emotionally. He sounds like a very guarded man in some respects. I'm not discounting what you say about him being a wonderful person in many ways. He absolutely could be. But this whole subject is ultimately a problem for him as much as it is for you. Guys don't like admitting a lack of control.

Now, all that said, he has a responsibility as your partner to get some professional help with this if it's hurting you and your relationship. You wrote last year that he isn't willing to do this, that his family also has problems interacting with him, and that he hasn't been willing to even find out for sure that he has an ASD. I gotta be honest, that doesn't bode well for you.

Here's the thing. You can't keep taking abuse. It's obviously taking a toll on you, and it's not fair. So what might you try that you haven't already to get him to go for some help with this? For diagnosis? What have you said about it so far, and what were his arguments?

He may never be able to completely avoid having meltdowns, but there are techniques he could learn to better manage the stress that can trigger them. It would be so valuable for him to learn whether or not he's on the spectrum. He may be afraid to be told there's something "wrong" with him, but with your help, he could come to understand that ASDs aren't mental illness or sickness. We can certainly help you with that.

You're in a tough spot. I hope you can find a solution that will preserve your partnership.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I've never had a proper crazy meltdown, but I did hear a person once describe it as being possessed by another person and being forced to watch a train wreck as it happened while unable to do anything to stop it. Whether he is the out-of-their-mind kind of meltdown person or he's speaking what he truly feels, I don't know. Regardless of which, he needs to take steps to get it under control. I'm fine with letting Aspies stim to their heart's content since it doesn't hurt anybody. Violent explosions do and should be prevented. If he doesn't find some way to reign it in, either the relationship will end or there's a chance you'll develop a painful coldness toward him like most people do who've put up with too much. My assumption based on personal experiences with people with anger issues, one of which also made up wild accusations.

 

[Slithytoves]

If he doesn't find some way to reign it in, either the relationship will end or there's a chance you'll develop a painful coldness toward him like most people do who've put up with too much.

Ashe makes a really good point here (one of several in her post).

Something else that may develop on your end, if it hasn't already, is a slow and steady internalization of the things he says to/about you when he's (literally) not in his right mind. The damage this can do to you will have effects well beyond the confines of the relationship. Your sense of self-worth and competence is at stake. He doesn't have to really mean what he says for it to chip away at your soul.

 

[Kari Suttle]

i know I've posted before about my boyfriend's tantrums and meltdowns. He is undiagnosed and won't go to seek help- we've been together just over 2 years and are both middle aged. We broke up after one a year ago, then got back together when things cooled off. He won't talk about the meltdowns to me. He says such mean and terrible things during one that they are shaking my belief in him and the relationship. He will say sorry a few days later, but not apologize specifically for the personal insults he threw my way. Because of this I feel like he must believe the mean things he says during a meltdown. He's only had 2 meltdowns with me this year, which is incredible and I realize he must be trying very hard. We are looking at houses and thinking about marriage and family. It's at his lead but I know it's stressful.

Its good that he appologizes, but i think you need to have a talk with him and tell him straight up that his behavior hurts you. He might not be able to ever stop having meltdowns - as an aspie that seems impossible - but he can learn to prevent them and deal with them better. With me, i only have meltdowns because i have anger issues stemming from emotional abuse as a child - at home i can control it because i have to, but put me around the two year old i babysit or a friend and i can't recognize it coming or control it half the time. Its taken a lot of effort on my part to recognize its an issue and find ways to deal with it in the moment. My prime motivator to work on it is the two year old i babysit - my yelling scares him and i hate seeing that. So, for his sake, i'll work on it. I would imagine that if your boyfriend can be made to see just how much this is affecting you, then maybe it can motivate him to work on it better.

Another thing - perhaps he needs to learn to leave a situation if its getting to him instead of sticking around. Remember, a meltdown is the fight version of the flight or flight response. For me, convincing myself to take a break from whatever is getting to me helps - to get away, do something else (leave the room, get a snack, watch some tv, etc) helps put me back in a better mindset. Convincing myself to let it go and distract myself away from the situation is the hard part though.

A meltdown is a very intense fight-or-flight response, and many people who have them say they almost feel like an out-of-body experience, where they are watching themselves freak out but have absolutely no control over it. They often come on as quickly inside as they look on the outside, so it's not like you're the last to know when he's going to explode. He may often be caught off-guard, too.

THIS. Its just as sudden and intense for the aspie in question as it is for you. In terms of the flight or fight response, a meltdown is the fight response whereas a shutdown is the flight response. That's how ive always understood it, anyways. It took me researching aspergers and high functioning autism on my own and coming to the conclusion that yes, whether or not i get a diagnosis this describes me perfectly. I then researched all the little issues and starting finding ways to get past them as an aspie. Since then i've slowly learned how to tell when i'm approaching a meltdown or a shutdown or some form of sensory overload. All the above are rare for me and if i'm at home i can avoid them entirely but if i'm at either of my two jobs, i cant. So i had to learn how to recognize the emotions that came prior to an event and learn what worked to deal with those emotions and prevent an event from occuring. even then its not perfect, i still have them, i can just recognize them before it happens sometimes. I think aspies not only feel very strongly in the moment but are bad at recognizing the emotional build up to an event such as a meltdown. At least for me that's true, i've heard others around here say similar though.

 

[Slithytoves]

THIS. Its just as sudden and intense for the aspie in question as it is for you. In terms of the flight or fight response, a meltdown is the fight response whereas a shutdown is the flight response.

I think aspies not only feel very strongly in the moment but are bad at recognizing the emotional build up to an event such as a meltdown. At least for me that's true, i've heard others around here say similar though.

"Fight-or-flight" describes the same physiological response to stress; namely, a hormonal cascade from the adrenal medulla in the brain that primes us for instant action in the face of a perceived threat. Some people in meltdown will first try to physically flee a situation (leaving the room or house) and only "fight"/act out on someone if they feel trapped, while others may act out on others as their first response.

Shutdown (which is actually a type of meltdown) is more of an internal retreat, though it often does include physical self-removal when possible. In a shutdown, an impulse to act out/harm almost always directed at the self instead of others. "Cutting" is one example of a common form of self-harm in shutdown.

Sorry -- I'm not trying to play know-it-all, Kari! Just clarifying a little because this is a subject that people on the spectrum and their loved ones do need to understand.

I agree that we aren't always very effective at recognizing the signs of build-up that lead to these events. A single incident can cause a meltdown/shutdown, but often the final trigger is only a "last straw" on top of a mass of accumulated stress.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I rarely exhibited this behavior before this year and I'm unhappy with myself about it. I know it's years of frustration that built up and had nowhere to go but out, finally. I know that it's about desperately needing more time, more distance, more quiet, and not having to shoulder so much responsibility and live on the edge so much.

I don't disagree with what Kari says, necessarily, but for me, I don't not know that it hurts the other. It's that I have to get their attention, right now, and step out of the role I've been in with them or that they're projecting onto me. IE, I'm advertising a temporary rule change because I need the break, because I am breaking.

And my overwrought system will do whatever is necessary to get it. As Slithytoves wrote, it is an ambush to me, too. And when I hurt the other, I hurt myself. I don't have words for the scorching shame I feel. I can't bear myself. I can't believe I'll be forgiven. I can't believe I'm capable of behaving this way, or of deserving forgiveness, or of receiving mercy.