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Growing up with emotionally unstable parents

Raggamuffin

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Not sure who can relate to this, but the article below is quite stark in it's accuracy. I really noticed how unhealthy being back home with my parents has been in. My mum in particular is highly emotionally erratic, a chronic worrier, always on the defence, loses it at the drop of a hat, guilt trips, narcissism. It's quite messy. As for my dad, he's not as bad now he doesn't drink - but their relationship is long since over, they're just stuck now. They argue all the time over tiny things, the atmosphere in the house is constantly tense and surreal, I really can't wait to move out:


1. Constantly Apologizing"
"Constantly apologizing is just one of many things I do as a result of an 'emotionally fragile' parent. Another is panic and, again, apologize if someone looks at their watch or checks the time when I am doing something, particularly if shopping. It is why I prefer to be alone and do things at my own pace, the anxiety and fear such an innocent thing like checking the time because of me is horrible."

"Constantly apologizing for normal things like having an opinion and crying, bending over backwards to please everyone and keep the peace, not standing up for myself because when I did at home I'd get blown up at, etc."


2. Overthinking
"I overthink everything all of the time because I'm trying to prepare myself for the next thing you will be disappointed in."

3. Always Feeling Afraid of Upsetting Others
"Not talking or doing anything for fear of getting into trouble or making people upset. Feeling like you can't move or speak without permission, even amongst your closet friends."

4. Having "Control Issues"
"I have huge control issues because I felt responsible for everyone's feelings. My father had a hairpin trigger temper and my mother was a perpetual victim, so I tried to micromanage every little thing to keep him from exploding, and protect her. Now I have debilitating anxiety and it becomes worse if I feel like something is out of my control. Because if I can't control everything, then something might upset someone, and it'll be my fault and not only will I be in trouble, but no one will love me. It's exhausting."

5. Being a "Parent" for Others
"Be the mom for all my group friends. The mature person who will be there to give you the advice someone else can't."
"Automatically parent everybody because I had to do it my whole life, but then I break down when it comes to trying to take care of myself."


6. Struggling to Make Decisions
"I have a hard time making choices, or having an opinion. When you spent your whole childhood, teens and part of your 20s without the ability to choose things for yourself, you either feel guilty, or really uncomfortable having an opinion. Because you feel like you're going to get in trouble, or you're going to have a panic attack."

7. Ignoring Your Own Feelings
"I feel like I always have to fix everyone, take care of everyone, control everything. I feel like I have to ignore my feelings, and I have a hard time reaching out to people."
" try so hard to hide my feelings rather than rock the boat."

8. Being a "People-Pleaser"
"I find it impossible to talk about how I feel. I constantly try make others happy, even if it means hurting myself. But I grew up with a dad who was both physically and emotionally abusive."
"Being a people-pleaser. I do a lot of 'fawning' now because I always had to watch what I said in case it triggered either severe depression or anger."

9. Feeling Like You're a Supporting Role in Your Own Life
"I always feel like I'm just playing a small supporting role in the great drama of other people's lives instead of my life being a story of my own. I have a really hard time believing my feelings are valid and matter."

10. Constantly Fearing Abandonment
"Constantly fearing abandonment… And no matter how much reassurance I get, I keep waiting for the moment where that love disappears."

11. Overanalyzing the Behavior of Others
"I overanalyze how people talk and their body language. When you're used to looking for small clues to try to make life easier or prepare for a meltdown, it's… a hard habit to break."

12. Pushing People Away
"I push people away when I hit my depression low since that's what my mom did. I'm trying to learn how to let people in but it's hard to do at times and I never know how to tell people."

13. Getting Offended Easily
"My daughter would say I cry too much and get offended too easily, and she isn't wrong."

14. Cleaning Up After Others
"Cleaning other people's homes while you're there because you grew up cleaning up after everyone because your parents didn't clean."

15. Being Very Empathetic
"Yes there has been some negative impact but I also recognize that I learned how to be empathetic at a really young age. I remember my mom crying — I was only about 3 years old — and I went and got her the stuffed bear she had in her room."



Who can relate?

Ed
 
Good post, Ed. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family and relate to a number of the resulting behaviors you listed. Thanks for prompting some self-evaluation and introspection. Sometimes I need a tune-up of who I am and why I do the things that I do.
 
Lol @Raggamuffin every point resonates with me, however, I would also argue I had an idyllic upbringing.

I've never looked at my childhood as being the cause but am learning that is definitely not the case.
my upbringing was unconventional but full of love but my parents also carried a lot of resentment.
 
My parents resent each other hugely, and up until my 30's I assumed I had an idyllic upbringing. Then, when I confided in a therapist who specialised in trauma, she began to point out that in reality my parents were emotionally unstable and I grew up in a very unhealthy household. I simply assumed living in a nice village, going to a nice school, and not having my parents divorce were all indicators of a good upbringing.

Ed
 
My parents resent each other hugely, and up until my 30's I assumed I had an idyllic upbringing. Then, when I confided in a therapist who specialised in trauma, she began to point out that in reality my parents were emotionally unstable and I grew up in a very unhealthy household. I simply assumed living in a nice village, going to a nice school, and not having my parents divorce were all indicators of a good upbringing.

Ed
Ahh yes.... even more, relatable almost like for like!

The resentment is mixed with having children and the sacrifices that they had to make as well as resentment for each other. My dad never had a legal job growing up and my mother always felt like a single parent.

From the age of 13-19, I openly spoke with my parents about them being with other people, when I got to be an adult i realised they are in a codependent relationship and are now just life companions with a shared history of 40+ plus years. They have their own rooms and can go days without talking to each other.


But like you, I was technically in a two-parent household, went to a decent school in London, did ok academically, and went on holidays abroad, which I still see as indicators of a good upbringing.
I also accept I'm very good at normalising my experiences
 
My folks spent most of their free time in their own company. Talking or watching TV. Never played with me or my brother as kids. We were both in our own little world. But we grew up in a house of worriers and catastrophic thinkers. Both traits me and my brother inherited.

There's definitely co-dependency in my parent's relationship, and I've been co-dependent in every single one of my relationships.

Ah well, live and learn. I really hope I can grow and move past this - because I've been stuck in a loop for a long time, and I'm tired of feeling chronically worn out and aching.

Ed
 
My folks spent most of their free time in their own company. Talking or watching TV. Never played with me or my brother as kids. We were both in our own little world. But we grew up in a house of worriers and catastrophic thinkers. Both traits me and my brother inherited.

Yep, all my siblings have issues and all seemed to develop coping mechanisms from a young age, I think to a degree we raised each other.

There's definitely co-dependency in my parent's relationship, and I've been co-dependent in every single one of my relationships.
I have no real friends but can make acquaintances easily which I never allow them to develop into meaningful relationships. I find people needy and overbearing and become overwhelmed if they attempt to go beyond a superficial relationship.

I've only had 1 romantic relationship and that's been co-dependent for the last 14 years, and I'm now being made to reestablish myself ( which i guess is a good thing)

Ah well, live and learn. I really hope I can grow and move past this - because I've been stuck in a loop for a long time, and I'm tired of feeling chronically worn out and aching.

Ed
I've learned to embrace a lot of my skills, fortunately, many are seen as an asset in work, and I've excelled, well on paper it would seem that way at least.

My need to not be a burden, people please, and my trauma experience makes me good in a crisis. I'm very practical and logical on a general level and am good at protecting others when I'm overwhelmed and internlising my issues.

I just need to master not burning out and communication around my own feelings. I am not a one-man band and relying on others doesn't mean I'm weak!
I do don't know a single person that did experience childhood trauma in one way or another at their hand of adults/carers/ parents
 
I also grew up in a dysfunctional family, but a bit different to what most of you are describing.

My father was a control freak and an emotional bully. When I was little my mother was still struggling to retain her own identity, by the time I was 12 that battle was lost and she became an alcoholic and started a slow descent in to dementia.

My sister and I were both neurally divergent, neither of us ever accepted him or his brand of ********. We basically grew up on the streets because being home was very uncomfortable. I used to start winding him up the moment he stepped foot inside the front door. Deliberately making him explode and yell and scream.

My sister soon realised what I was doing and joined in, sitting around and waiting for him to find something to pick on was torturous, it was a lot easier to get it over and done with as quickly as possible.

I think a lot of my cheek and my ability with language comes from learning how to backchat a lawyer.
 
I'm quite the opposite when it comes to friction and arguing. I become utterly overwhelmed and my fight or flight goes nuts. So I do the Fawn Response and people please and do my utmost to avoid any kind of friction. Unfortunately that's an exhausting and futile process to undertake.

Ed
 
A little story from when I was 12 years old:
-----
At this age boys eat a lot, I was always hungry. Dad used to get really angry about this. One time I got screamed at for eating a tin of spaghetti and toast for lunch because I ate the whole tin by myself, he reckoned that when he was growing up that tin would have been shared between three of them. It sounded believable, I knew what his father had been like and he obviously had a fair streak of it in his nature too. When I started stealing food and eating it outside I got caught and got a hiding for it.

So I had to buy food. By this time I'd stopped selling lemons, that only worked when I was a cute little kid, as I got older sales dropped off until it wasn't worth doing any more. I earned a bit of money collecting cans and bottles and supplemented it with small bits of change from Mum's purse when she was too pissed to notice, and I became a very proficient little shop lifter.

I'd go into a supermarket and buy a box of matches or a pencil and come out with an apple and a chocolate bar. I'd buy a pie or a pasty for lunch, then have another one just before I went home for tea, that way I wouldn't be eating like a pig at home and Dad wouldn't be yelling at me. I still didn't get fat. I never got caught shop lifting, either that or they felt sorry for me because I only ever stole food.

I also used to get us packets of biscuits, and tins of sardines and jars of devilled ham spread to put on toast, me Louise and Cliff ate well. I'd buy us bread and butter and pilfer a few other items to go with it, sometimes I could afford to buy us all fish and chips. And Dad still whinged about what it costs to feed us.
 
Reading posts like this,...in some ways I guess I was quite lucky,...but, of course, I had other types of dysfunction,...some of which I didn't realize until much later in life, after I had left home. My parents were not emotionally unstable,...but they were conservative, bigoted, neglectful in some ways, didn't take excuses, and were quick with physical punishment. In many ways, they were teaching us how to be responsible adults even as small children,...and were tough on us if we made mistakes. Second place,...that was interpreted as "first loser",...and there was no place for "losers". The only thing worse than a failing grade,...99%. Perfection wasn't a goal,...it was expected. They were all about having us do things on our own, without help,...because you can't depend upon other people for anything. Need money,...well,...get to work outside the home. No allowance for doing chores,...that was "room and board" in my house. I don't know how many 9 yr olds had multiple people paying me for yard work and snow removal,...and I had a paper recycling business, as well. I spent a fair amount of time after school and weekends working. Buying my own clothes by the time I was 12. Had a savings account and investment silver bars by the time I was 10. I guess they taught me independence and life skills very early,...still serves me well. On the other hand, being as young as I was, things had the potential to make some mistakes, which didn't happen. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized some of their cognitive biases and errors.
 
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Reading posts like this,...in some ways I guess I was quite lucky,...but, of course, I had other types of dysfunction,...some of which I didn't realize until much later in life, after I had left home. My parents were not emotionally unstable,...but they were conservative, bigoted, neglectful in some ways, didn't take excuses, and were quick with physical punishment. In many ways, they were teaching us how to be responsible adults even as small children,...and were tough on us if we made mistakes. Second place,...that was interpreted as "first loser",...and there was no place for "losers". The only thing worse than a failing grade,...99%. Perfection wasn't a goal,...it was expected. They were all about having us do things on our own, without help,...because you can't depend upon other people for anything. Need money,...well,...get to work outside the home. No allowance for doing chores,...that was "room and board" in my house. I don't know how many 9 yr olds had multiple people paying me for yard work and snow removal,...and I had a paper recycling business, as well. I spent a fair amount of time after school and weekends working. Buying my own clothes by the time I was 12. Had a savings account and investment silver bars by the time I was 10. I guess they taught me independence and life skills very early,...still serves me well. On the other hand, being as young as I was, things had the potential to make some mistakes, which didn't happen. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized some of their cognitive biases and errors.
I think many of us in ways were treated like little adults, i just thought it was a mindset of the times.
born in the 80's with my formative years being the 90's and 00's
 
I think many of us in ways were treated like little adults, i just thought it was a mindset of the times.
born in the 80's with my formative years being the 90's and 00's
I think this is true. My parents were done having 5 kids before their mid-20s. My dad routinely worked 50-60hr/weeks. Hard physical work was sort of how I got respect from my father,...when I got it. Otherwise, I was a child to be "seen and not heard",...and if I wasn't seen, that wasn't so bad, either. Emotionally, my parents were rather distant from us,...or so it seemed,...rather stoic most of the time,...until one of us flipped my mom's "***** switch" and she went off on us verbally and physically. My parents never hugged or kissed us,...ever. I shook my father's hand at my wedding,...that's about it.
 
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Literally all of this describes me.
But it’s a result of not having a family for most of my developmental years.

My adoptive parents are not necessarily “dysfunctional” but there are still some issues. It can get lonely and frustrating living on my own but it’s a lot better than living with them and getting into the same circular arguments all the time.
 
Not sure who can relate to this, but the article below is quite stark in it's accuracy. I really noticed how unhealthy being back home with my parents has been in. My mum in particular is highly emotionally erratic, a chronic worrier, always on the defence, loses it at the drop of a hat, guilt trips, narcissism. It's quite messy. As for my dad, he's not as bad now he doesn't drink - but their relationship is long since over, they're just stuck now. They argue all the time over tiny things, the atmosphere in the house is constantly tense and surreal, I really can't wait to move out:


1. Constantly Apologizing"
"Constantly apologizing is just one of many things I do as a result of an 'emotionally fragile' parent. Another is panic and, again, apologize if someone looks at their watch or checks the time when I am doing something, particularly if shopping. It is why I prefer to be alone and do things at my own pace, the anxiety and fear such an innocent thing like checking the time because of me is horrible."

"Constantly apologizing for normal things like having an opinion and crying, bending over backwards to please everyone and keep the peace, not standing up for myself because when I did at home I'd get blown up at, etc."


2. Overthinking
"I overthink everything all of the time because I'm trying to prepare myself for the next thing you will be disappointed in."

3. Always Feeling Afraid of Upsetting Others
"Not talking or doing anything for fear of getting into trouble or making people upset. Feeling like you can't move or speak without permission, even amongst your closet friends."

4. Having "Control Issues"
"I have huge control issues because I felt responsible for everyone's feelings. My father had a hairpin trigger temper and my mother was a perpetual victim, so I tried to micromanage every little thing to keep him from exploding, and protect her. Now I have debilitating anxiety and it becomes worse if I feel like something is out of my control. Because if I can't control everything, then something might upset someone, and it'll be my fault and not only will I be in trouble, but no one will love me. It's exhausting."

5. Being a "Parent" for Others
"Be the mom for all my group friends. The mature person who will be there to give you the advice someone else can't."
"Automatically parent everybody because I had to do it my whole life, but then I break down when it comes to trying to take care of myself."


6. Struggling to Make Decisions
"I have a hard time making choices, or having an opinion. When you spent your whole childhood, teens and part of your 20s without the ability to choose things for yourself, you either feel guilty, or really uncomfortable having an opinion. Because you feel like you're going to get in trouble, or you're going to have a panic attack."

7. Ignoring Your Own Feelings
"I feel like I always have to fix everyone, take care of everyone, control everything. I feel like I have to ignore my feelings, and I have a hard time reaching out to people."
" try so hard to hide my feelings rather than rock the boat."

8. Being a "People-Pleaser"
"I find it impossible to talk about how I feel. I constantly try make others happy, even if it means hurting myself. But I grew up with a dad who was both physically and emotionally abusive."
"Being a people-pleaser. I do a lot of 'fawning' now because I always had to watch what I said in case it triggered either severe depression or anger."

9. Feeling Like You're a Supporting Role in Your Own Life
"I always feel like I'm just playing a small supporting role in the great drama of other people's lives instead of my life being a story of my own. I have a really hard time believing my feelings are valid and matter."

10. Constantly Fearing Abandonment
"Constantly fearing abandonment… And no matter how much reassurance I get, I keep waiting for the moment where that love disappears."

11. Overanalyzing the Behavior of Others
"I overanalyze how people talk and their body language. When you're used to looking for small clues to try to make life easier or prepare for a meltdown, it's… a hard habit to break."

12. Pushing People Away
"I push people away when I hit my depression low since that's what my mom did. I'm trying to learn how to let people in but it's hard to do at times and I never know how to tell people."

13. Getting Offended Easily
"My daughter would say I cry too much and get offended too easily, and she isn't wrong."

14. Cleaning Up After Others
"Cleaning other people's homes while you're there because you grew up cleaning up after everyone because your parents didn't clean."

15. Being Very Empathetic
"Yes there has been some negative impact but I also recognize that I learned how to be empathetic at a really young age. I remember my mom crying — I was only about 3 years old — and I went and got her the stuffed bear she had in her room."



Who can relate?

Ed
Each point you highlighted. I am the total opposite,...to the point of pathology. My parents were the opposite, as well,...to the point of pathology.
 
I witnessed my brother being violently kicked by my step- his real father. I as a young teen, comforted him as he had a breakdown as he was a tween and didn't understand what had just happened. I also encountered the same. My father was a control freak, argumentative, and a screamer. My mom was subservient and never stood up much to him. My grandmother said once he was mad at her and threw a knife right by her. As a very young child, l told my father not to hurt my mother in the car, because he was pretending to drive into the mountain on her side. He stopped, because he realized l figure out was going on. I put both of my arms around my mother. (I was smart as a child:)).

I don't know the rest, but at my parents anniversary party, my mom's friend said he didn't know how l survived the way l was treated. My brother who was standing there, immediately high-tailed it out of there, because he didn't want to hear it. Apparently l was treated pretty badly. My mom chose to not accept me and l always felt like an outsider in my family. So l have a difficult time in relationships as a result.

So now l am a warrior. I walk thru anything thrown at me because my family life taught me to survive. And l won't even discuss the problems l had with my step-father which is considered sexual abuse. I was blamed and kicked out at 17. I was pretty screwed up by my 20's. I still wish l had the Disney storybook family but l guess instead l got a series of unfortunate events. My father mocked and belittled me. My favorite story, l ran away, came back, and he graded my run away letter for grammer mistakes, l was a tween then.

Hope this didn't trigger others. There is a lot of denial on my part. I am pretty great and shoving issues under the rug but this forum is helping me overcome this. I guess l recognize 1 thru 15 of the list posted by the OP, because as a child warrior, these are all golden rules one must follow to survive, except for 6, 9, and 10.
 
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I would say I recognize many of these scenarios. It's a great tragedy so many lives were damaged by parents unable to parent. That said, my son has defined himself by the mistakes I made parenting him.
The generations of abuse follow one after another, and at least in some cases, unintentionally.
 
Not sure who can relate to this, but the article below is quite stark in it's accuracy. I really noticed how unhealthy being back home with my parents has been in. My mum in particular is highly emotionally erratic, a chronic worrier, always on the defence, loses it at the drop of a hat, guilt trips, narcissism. It's quite messy. As for my dad, he's not as bad now he doesn't drink - but their relationship is long since over, they're just stuck now. They argue all the time over tiny things, the atmosphere in the house is constantly tense and surreal, I really can't wait to move out:

 
For anyone wanting to look into this further, look up Dr Gabor Mate on Youtube. He has a very soothing voice, and he goes to explain very well how trauma, addiction, people pleasing and masking are all products of trauma, and upbringing. But that the emotional damage is done long before we have memory of such events. Which is why it's so important to address these unhealthy coping mechanisms we have in place.

Here's a great starting point:


Ed
 

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