Girls - are you oblivious to when someone is flirting with you?

[Kayla55]

When you say pastor do you mean western Christian or like a monk? When you joined you are Japanese or just studying the ancient art of vase making?

I've tried talking to indo people about concept of avoiding placing oneself as girl in bad situation, but I'm aware that often this isn't case, such as girls stolen out of safe houses in Cambodia, um?

Honestly I spoke with a japanese person who didn't want to come to dinner party with us, complaining all time about certain people invited. So I said it's not that bad to learn to just tolerate them inviting those whom you don't like as opposed to having other cultural friends who further from understanding your culture or famous words: calling the care bears (girls went missing many years ago in Japan, never found) it's tough because socially forcing oneself to do what doesn't seem natueal.

I'm saying it's matter of who you socialise with, places you go in that society because my father is considered racist beyond words but he insists travel to france for blond girl isn't safe, that gaining sympathy from those people isn't forthcoming.
You're very brave speaking out, I know many young girls that were not in dangerous situations, they were in Cambodian safe houses and were kidnapped.
With world more open to choice, woman should be more afraid, afraid that not all share the responsibility.
A while back I think in quiet we lectured Japan on doing more to help, that woman should always try to protect one another and not perceive that it was in vain or that they neighbour would not reciprocate. Alas, I sit with kuman-thong case complaint that amazingly enough hasn't affected Phillipines/Japanese alliance in China sea. I don't mean to be rude on such bad news however Olaf Scholtz seems to be care bears that I've warned about....
Do not seek money or AI robots to deliver Uber eats, remember to value those things in life that are good and important like friends, saving the Tigers, having our kids play together, all the things AI won't buy you. But noone do listen to advice,

 

[Kayla55]

 

[grommet]

So earlier this year, I was in this situation with a pastor where the way he showed 'care' was, according to Reddit and an older male friend of mine, was wildly inappropriate. Apparently, texting a single woman multiple times a day every day and meeting alone in his office was crossing the line. At first, I thought he was concerned because I confided in him about some pretty dark thoughts, and he wanted to make sure I was okay. But he was saying things like, "There's something special about you to me", "I care about you with all my heart", "I can't wait to get to know you better", "Talking with you makes my day", etc. Not to mention good night (once at 10 PM...), have a good day...Nothing overtly romantic, or so I thought. I started feeling weird about it, so I reached out to Reddit, and they confirmed it wasn't okay for him to say those things, especially being a married man. And my friend knew something was wrong immediately. I feel so dumb because I totally missed it for an entire month. I thought he saw me as a daughter. I don't get why people can't just say what they mean or just not do weird things like that. What's with the ulterior motives? Who can you even trust anymore? I'm glad I got out before something worse happened.

I am sorry this happened. Reddit was right. I think he was approaching you for a relationship. I am glad you are okay. I have had things happen because I did not know what the person was trying to do.

Instead of just saying that I will tell you about something I did that you might think was funny.

Years ago when I had a flatmate I woke up and went to our bathroom but I had to wait in line because a woman was there in front of me. I had just woken up so I did not immediately wonder why there was someone I did not know in my home waiting for the bathroom. She was a guest but I did not know she was there.

Later during the day when she and I were alone in the apartment we talked. I was very nervous and I think she was too. We were sitting on the couch. I did not want to bother her so I stayed on the far end of the couch. I got up to go to the kitchen and when I got back I had a problem. There was no place left to sit on the couch but close to her. I panicked. I did not want to bother her. I am a man and I know we are not supposed to bother women, especially in a place where there are not other people. It could make her uncomfortable or afraid.

I thought as fast as I could. I sat on the arm of the couch instead and kept talking to her. We ended up falling in love and we were together for three years. Later she told me she that when I went into the kitchen she rearranged the cushions so the only place I could sit would be close to her. I had no idea. I still smile about it.

I hope a happier story about people meeting and showing interest will make you feel better.

 

[kintsugi]

Thank you! And I also got really into the topic when I first got into the situation. Someone had mentioned the possibility of grooming. It can happen to adults, too. Anyone in a vulnerable position. It's way more common than I thought. Really sad because church is supposed to be a safe space, but you have to be cautious there, too. It's weird because this person was genuinely nice, maybe a little misguided. It's so hard to tell when a person isn't an obvious red flag. But I should just trust my intuition and other people's judgments, I guess. It's unfortunate that the pastor you mentioned was just passed on to another church just for the same thing to happen again.

I also can be oblivious. What happened to you feels like something that could have happened to me. I just believe what people say.

I happened to have indirectly experienced and knew people who've experienced, this very specific pastor thing you're describing. The subject and things related, interest me so much. For example, positions of power more often attracting people who want control. Not to make a statement about all that are pastors but pastors are a BIG one. (or general religious leaders, along with doctors, policemen) They frequently make their way into true crime stories. I am also so glad you got out. I believe there could of been a good chance of the flirting escalating or him trying to carefully manipulate in other ways. I knew about one that did exactly as your describing, he was married and took advantage of another woman, it had to be taken SO far before anyone in the church would do anything about it. (the woman going through something awful and then after the fact having to convince the other church members even though he's untouchable, despite she herself being high in the hierarchy.)The outcome was him gently being passed on to another church. So I would be soooo careful with pastors. Especially when they start to say "god told me.." as a way of justifying something that would otherwise be unacceptable. Or them pressuring to confess or confide in them. Manipulating a person share "dark thoughts" or anything super vulnerable is a classic way cult leaders, for example, create this strange... dependency that blurs the lines of what's boundaries and it's so effective at infiltrating another person's whole being that it can cause the most crazy and unbelievable things to happen. Sorry, I'm really into this subject xD

By the way I love your username.

 

[kintsugi]

I am sorry this happened. Reddit was right. I think he was approaching you for a relationship. I am glad you are okay. I have had things happen because I did not know what the person was trying to do.

Instead of just saying that I will tell you about something I did that you might think was funny.

Years ago when I had a flatmate I woke up and went to our bathroom but I had to wait in line because a woman was there in front of me. I had just woken up so I did not immediately wonder why there was someone I did not know in my home waiting for the bathroom. She was a guest but I did not know she was there.

Later during the day when she and I were alone in the apartment we talked. I was very nervous and I think she was too. We were sitting on the couch. I did not want to bother her so I stayed on the far end of the couch. I got up to go to the kitchen and when I got back I had a problem. There was no place left to sit on the couch but close to her. I panicked. I did not want to bother her. I am a man and I know we are not supposed to bother women, especially in a place where there are not other people. It could make her uncomfortable or afraid.

I thought as fast as I could. I sat on the arm of the couch instead and kept talking to her. We ended up falling in love and we were together for three years. Later she told me she that when I went into the kitchen she rearranged the cushions so the only place I could sit would be close to her. I had no idea. I still smile about it.

I hope a happier story about people meeting and showing interest will make you feel better.

That's so sweet. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Mary Terry]

Yes, I generally do know when a man is flirting with me. But I don't recognize when a gay woman is flirting with me. I just don't pick up on the signals.

 

[8398]

Thank you! And I also got really into the topic when I first got into the situation. Someone had mentioned the possibility of grooming. It can happen to adults, too. Anyone in a vulnerable position. It's way more common than I thought. Really sad because church is supposed to be a safe space, but you have to be cautious there, too. It's weird because this person was genuinely nice, maybe a little misguided. It's so hard to tell when a person isn't an obvious red flag. But I should just trust my intuition and other people's judgments, I guess. It's unfortunate that the pastor you mentioned was just passed on to another church just for the same thing to happen again.

I've always wanted to rely on myself and my own judgement, and I thought it was fine until I was in a horrific relationship that had obvious red flags from the beginning that I couldn't see. If I had friends, that wouldn't of happened. It's hard to admit that I needed someone else's thoughts. I've thought of myself as a smart person, observant, it's hard for me to understand that I could have such a blind spot. And speaking of grooming, right after that horrible relationship, I immediately got groomed by someone younger than myself. I was thinking "I really feel like I've been groomed this whole time, but I'm an adult, is that really possible?" By this point I've learned lessons that I probably could have only learned through experience, although it was all dangerous. I think friends are the best bet.

Other's grandiosity, I fall for. I think I can fathom it being real, because I myself can be grandiose. But somehow I really mean it whereas others use it and don't mean it.

 

[paloftoon]

Did he ever put his hand on your shoulder or other small gestures like that?
Did he leave the door closed a lot when he said those kind of things and talked to you in his office?
Was there no one else nearby in another part of the church etc?

It sounds borderline.

 

[grommet]

Did he ever put his hand on your shoulder or other small gestures like that?
Did he leave the door closed a lot when he said those kind of things and talked to you in his office?
Was there no one else nearby in another part of the church etc?

It sounds borderline.

These things you list are so frightening. I have had bad things happen. Certain kinds of people seem to know I did not know what they were trying to do. I once had a man I knew keep insisting I come up to his apartment to see it. I did not understand the reason. I did not want to be rude but how interesting could anything he had in there be? I use a wheelchair and it was a big effort getting me and my chair up the stairs. He had a neighbor help. I do not want to be upsetting so I will keep the story short. He tried some things I did not want. But I could not leave without help so I had to stay calm and try to show friendliness so he could would help me leave.

I am much more careful now. Maybe that is not right, not careful, maybe irrational. I only look for what could be signs of danger and pay most attention to them. I have never tried to trick a woman. I would not do that. So many men have tricked me. I am have not been interested in men that way but I have met men who thought of me like that and were dishonest. Things I want to forget. A social worker who was supposed to help me but was doing things like the man in this post.

I think autistic people are more vulnerable. This is my opinion I am not stating a fact. I do not see subtext first or usually. I think literally. Sometimes people have used that to lead me into situations.

Misery gave me a list of internet safety rules. I am grateful and still follow them. I do not know if we could make rules like that for personal safety with other people. I would like a list like that.

 

[paloftoon]

If there are situations where people don't want to say what they mean, because they might want to do things that they want that you don't want to reciprocate on [typically sexually], best to ask about having a friend join you to see if that is okay. Also, be direct as you can be and ask directly if there is sexual interest. It doesn't need to sound "sexy" or agreeable unless you are attracted to the other person in that way- your boundaries are important.

If there is context where the person has appropriate reason to show interest in you, then you should show interest back and not be paranoid. Go by context as much as you can.

It's hard to switch between not being too paranoid and defending yourself/your boundaries because you don't want to overreact or underreact.