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GET the COOKIE

I show the cookie a photo of Cookie Monster and it screams loudly in horror and passes out from shock. I the grab it and put inside a time capsule that is the launched into space
 
It's been a while since I went to space, so I'm going to need some help.

I sneak into the vault below the mad science university I attended, where history's greats are cryogenically frozen, awaiting a time where they can return and live again. Then I see the plaque- Yuri Gagarin, Soviet Cosmonaut and the first man in space!

I thaw him out, and after much linguistic confusion, given that I don't speak Russian, he finally understands that I want him to go to space again. Given that space travel nowadays is much more comfortable, he agrees.

We manage to bribe the guards at Cape Canaveral and tiptoe onto the launch pad, where one of the old Space Shuttles is waiting. We climb aboard, and Yuri helps me start up the engines, and off we go!

After a few orbits of earth, I see it. While Yuri admires the void of space, and asks questions via Google Translate about how technology and the population had boomed since his time, given all the lights he sees on the planet below, I use the Space Shuttle's robotic grabber arm and snatch the Cookie before it can do another orbit of the planet.

I introduce Yuri to Youtube brainrot content on our trip back down to Earth, and by the time we return, he's quoting classic Vines like, "Look at all these chickens!" and "Road work ahead? Uh yeah… I sure hope it does!" through a thick Russian accent. Landing the Space Shuttle and dropping him off in an empty field near Moscow, I take my Cookie and get on a train, heading to the sunny shores of Greece.
 
Your tour guide awaits, wrapped in a toga, and crowned with laurel leaves, wearing a long beard, just like Socrates.

But who is behind the stretchy fake beard? It is I, defender of the chocolate chip, sworn protectress of The Cookie.

As I motion the group toward the snack table, I pickpocket you and switch The Cookie for an appetizing spanakopita.

As the crowd debates the pros and cons of the ethics of eating octopus, I take my own sentient treat out the back door. There my helicopter awaits. I'm off on a date with Yuri Gagarin for an ice plunge in St. Petersburg, where I will teach him of the wonders of Capitalism, using The Cookie as an example.
 
Let's see... Russian, can fly a helicopter... I have an idea.

I start pouring ingredients into my evil cauldron as I make the evil concoction that will allow me to recover my Cookie undetected. Sodium chloride... fermented, aged solid milk of a heifer... wheat that's been ground and reformed into the shape of the crescent moon...

Finally, when it is finished, I take a long, big whiff of my creation. Delicious, tempting, and irresistible. Perfect to bribe this potential ally.

I find her crouched on a rooftop in Moscow, and when she sees me, she nearly shoots me with an electric discharge from one of her Widow's Bite gauntlets.

"Who are you, and what do you want from me?" Yelena asks, eyes narrowed.

I pull my concoction out of my bag. "I have something you want."

She still seems suspicious. "And what do you think I want?"

"I made macaroni, if you want some."

Immediately, her eyes light up, and I know she's interested. "All I need you to do is get me onto a helicopter headed for St. Petersburg. Then, the macaroni is yours."

She agrees, and a few minutes later, we're on our way. It's not long before we see your helicopter, flying lazily along, unaware of the second helicopter right behind it. I hand Yelena the macaroni, and she hands me a rope, and a firm nod.

"You'll need to be careful. If you get hit by one of those blades-"

"I know. But this has to be done." I stiffen my lip and stand up straight. "It has to be done, for the sake of the Cookie. If I don't make it back, please, tell my mother I love her."

Then, I leap from the helicopter, swinging down on the rope, and narrowly avoid the spinning blades atop yours. I land on top, rip open the door, and grab my Cookie from your hands, then jump, unfurling my parachute as I descend, cackling maniacally.
 
Yuri stands at attention and shouts "FOR STALIN! FOR GLORY! FOR THE PEOPLE!"

He gives me the most romantic, gentlemanly kiss on my hand before jumping out of the helicopter (without a parachute), aiming his body like a bullet towards your gracefully falling form.

He catches up with you and snatches the cookie, without even fluttering a string on your parachute. Still falling like a missile from space.

"Oh no, cute commie boyfriend. Not this time!" I scream.

Banking the helicopter a hard left, I careen down towards the earth with the passenger door wide open, facing heavenward.

Yuri falls right into the passenger seat, and without skipping a beat, hands the cookie to me, in the most gentlemanly fashion, murmuring something in Russian. It sounds very romantic. He could be talking about beets and parsnips and I'd still be a googoo eyed.

We land the helicopter at the spa just north of St. Petersburg, and take a sauna together, sharing warm Chai, before taking the polar plunge.
 
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