Fully Exhausting My Partner
As a contextual foundation, I uprooted my entire life to move to a different country and things have not worked out well especially after moving from 6+ years of long distance into living in the same home together.
My immigration status is quite muddy and things are financially downwards. I have been placed in charge of household chores which I fulfill on the daily basis but I sometimes make mistakes like leaving a door unlocked or forgetting to wash the towels. The issue is that everytime I make a mistake, my partner would reinforce that their resentment for me is increasing as a result of our relationship situation being affected by things beyond our control. I live in a constant state of worry as my partner's mood can change depending on how well I have conducted myself on the basis of utility.
An example would be, them complaining about having to tell me what needs to be done and their frustrations with my lack of sense and intuition. I will be get called things like useless, parasitic, brain dead and the other slurs that define someone who is disabled. In public, I would get put down in front of friends or get snapped at for standing in their way in a narrow store or not staying still so they can store things in my backpack. Their friends have observed these behaviors and detected there is something wrong, one of them even confronted them about it. Visitors that enter the home will sense something is off and would crack jokes about them abusing me (I am uncertain if this is abuse or simply frustration).
I have brought up my concerns and depression as a result of being put down so much but their response is that they are only this way because I have been an irresponsible person, or someone who has been romantically terrible. I do not know the ins and outs of romanticism or how to date properly and I am inept at emotional support. However, I cannot help but feel as if their treatment towards me is incredibly unfair especially if they have begun showing resentment towards autism or would make off-puting remarks about my condition.
In terms of other situations like hobbies, romance and intimacy, I feel as if I would be consistently tested for my level of enthusiasm, my "performance" and my conduct in common shared interests like TTRPGs. I will get made to make choices in which there is a right or a wrong answer even though they display such choices as equal in measure. There are times where I have picked the wrong choice and it gets tallied and brought up in arguments against me. Upon researching the subject matter, one could describe these tests as Kafka-esque in nature.
In aspects of interest, if I show too much excitement or interests for something or ask for something, they spitefully refuse to acknowledge it in meaningful ways. The more I ask or talk about my interests, the more they disengage or seeminly lose tolerance towards. As a result, I have learnt to essentially keep my interests and obsessions to myself but found peace in sharing them with their friends instead.
It is also contextually important that I am a transitioning MtF individual while my partner is "non-binary." I use to force myself to take on more masculine roles in aspects of our life to fulfill their intimate needs but despite the discomfort I put myself through and still would willingly do so to give them what they desire, it always falls short or lacking. As a result, our sex life has also diminished to a state of near zero.
I am unsure how to move on from this as I am stuck in another country and they are financially supporting me despite the way I am being treated. I have come to this forum because they tend to read all my social media messages and if I try to talk to their friends about them, they would intervene with the need to share their side or the story to explain why they have treated me like this as if theyre doing damage control and it hurts to know I would put their friends through that kind of stress and confrontation.
As a contextual foundation, I uprooted my entire life to move to a different country and things have not worked out well especially after moving from 6+ years of long distance into living in the same home together.
My immigration status is quite muddy and things are financially downwards. I have been placed in charge of household chores which I fulfill on the daily basis but I sometimes make mistakes like leaving a door unlocked or forgetting to wash the towels. The issue is that everytime I make a mistake, my partner would reinforce that their resentment for me is increasing as a result of our relationship situation being affected by things beyond our control. I live in a constant state of worry as my partner's mood can change depending on how well I have conducted myself on the basis of utility.
An example would be, them complaining about having to tell me what needs to be done and their frustrations with my lack of sense and intuition. I will be get called things like useless, parasitic, brain dead and the other slurs that define someone who is disabled. In public, I would get put down in front of friends or get snapped at for standing in their way in a narrow store or not staying still so they can store things in my backpack. Their friends have observed these behaviors and detected there is something wrong, one of them even confronted them about it. Visitors that enter the home will sense something is off and would crack jokes about them abusing me (I am uncertain if this is abuse or simply frustration).
I have brought up my concerns and depression as a result of being put down so much but their response is that they are only this way because I have been an irresponsible person, or someone who has been romantically terrible. I do not know the ins and outs of romanticism or how to date properly and I am inept at emotional support. However, I cannot help but feel as if their treatment towards me is incredibly unfair especially if they have begun showing resentment towards autism or would make off-puting remarks about my condition.
In terms of other situations like hobbies, romance and intimacy, I feel as if I would be consistently tested for my level of enthusiasm, my "performance" and my conduct in common shared interests like TTRPGs. I will get made to make choices in which there is a right or a wrong answer even though they display such choices as equal in measure. There are times where I have picked the wrong choice and it gets tallied and brought up in arguments against me. Upon researching the subject matter, one could describe these tests as Kafka-esque in nature.
In aspects of interest, if I show too much excitement or interests for something or ask for something, they spitefully refuse to acknowledge it in meaningful ways. The more I ask or talk about my interests, the more they disengage or seeminly lose tolerance towards. As a result, I have learnt to essentially keep my interests and obsessions to myself but found peace in sharing them with their friends instead.
It is also contextually important that I am a transitioning MtF individual while my partner is "non-binary." I use to force myself to take on more masculine roles in aspects of our life to fulfill their intimate needs but despite the discomfort I put myself through and still would willingly do so to give them what they desire, it always falls short or lacking. As a result, our sex life has also diminished to a state of near zero.
I am unsure how to move on from this as I am stuck in another country and they are financially supporting me despite the way I am being treated. I have come to this forum because they tend to read all my social media messages and if I try to talk to their friends about them, they would intervene with the need to share their side or the story to explain why they have treated me like this as if theyre doing damage control and it hurts to know I would put their friends through that kind of stress and confrontation.
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