Friends

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

Without friends I would
- go to work
- come home
- and sleep,

Those would be the most significant aspects of my life.

With friends I can

- discuss a thought or idea I've had
- be there for them when I have something to offer, when they want to discuss something, or it's an activity I can help with
- enjoy a beer or two with them and have a break from the anxiety and fears I have a lot of the time
- go to places I consider cool, without feeling out of place, such as
o theme parks
o museums
o country walks
o a good movie in a cinema with armchairs and footstools and no annoying talking
o and many other things I find enjoyable

How important are they? I hadn't considered it like that before, I'd always just seen it as life is more enjoyable with friends -- when the friendships are working well. That's why I find it worth the effort it takes to maintain friendships.

But how important are friends? I can live without my friends, but it would be a much harder life, with much more isolation and a feeling that other people are scary and just don't get me. But also, thinking of the good friends I'm no longer in contact with, it feels like there are activities or topics I no longer know how to do, or to talk about, and it feels like a part of me died with the ending of the friendship.



How do you get friends? Ask exploratory questions - such as 'what do you like about xyz', or 'are you looking forward to abc'? There are other ways or doing it, but this I find the most sincere way.

What do you do with them? See what I wrote above on what I can do with friends.

How do you keep them? You need to find a way to have the space you need to yourself respected without it ending the friendship. Of course there are other parts to it, such as don't treat them like a piece of ****, but those are easy to do! Getting the issue of your space being respected is the hard bit, and for me it's the main aspect of maintaining friends.

Why do we need them? See what I wrote above about how important are friends.

What if the people I'm expected to make friends with don't answer my questions or just cut me off when I answer their's? What if they treat ME like ****? IDK, I always feel like I'm being interrogated for some kind of crime when trying to socialize. No one wants to talk about what I want to talk about and what they want to talk about is boring and I KNOW I'm NEVER going to form any lasting connections with these people. Why can't I just talk to people about the things I want to talk about on my own terms on the internet? Why does my case worker insist everything has to be in person?

 

[fuzz]

What if the people I'm expected to make friends with don't answer my questions or just cut me off when I answer their's? What if they treat ME like ****? IDK, I always feel like I'm being interrogated for some kind of crime when trying to socialize. No one wants to talk about what I want to talk about and what they want to talk about is boring and I KNOW I'm NEVER going to form any lasting connections with these people.

Have you heard the rubbish other people can spend ages talking about, clothes, celebrities, sport? Most of what they say is not really about exchanging information but just spending time with each other. That stuff drives me crazy and is the worst part about friendships. It's very draining to try and follow it all.

I sit out of that stuff just let it go on until they get to the good stuff, talking about something I find interesting. If I hit the jackpot it's something I can contributute to, if not I can still learn information by asking questions about the topic, and in the process getting to know the person too. At work this often happens when
people are talking about cooking, which I'm generally hopeless at but I know its value, and find it interesting to hear how it is done.

I don't know if I've ever felt interrogated, but I have had occasions when people have asked me something I don't know how to answer. I'll give myself a few seconds, but many times I'll simply end up saying 'I don't know how to answer that.' and the conversation moves on to other things. Is that the sort of difficulty you mean? I'm not sure if I've understood you.

 

[BradT]

You know this is sad to say, but I would rather be alone than be with you fake people who pretend to be your friend same with a girlfriend, because I don't have time for that garbage in my life.

 

[tree]

 

[Jacoby]

Every friend I ever had either stabbed me in the back or went away for some reason or another, a lot of it is my fault for not maintaining relationships and I guess for being weird. At this point I couldn't even imagine having a friend, I just don't trust people and am so anxious that I won't approach and nobody else will either

 

[Aecho]

When I was growing up I didn't have friends. Until I hit puberty I didn't want friends, but with puberty came this overwhelming depression that hasn't gone away in almost 15 years. It's a terrible mix of "I don't need or want friends" and "I'm super lonely and sad and wish I had friends". During my teen years I would in and out of friendships with other people, and most of the time they would just stop wanting to hang out with me and I never understood why or what I did to push people away, which just made the depression worse. I'm now at a point where I don't have any friends and the only reason I still feel depressed is because I don't have my life together and no good outlook on my future. I don't feel like I need friends, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to when I wanted. So I get how you feel to some extent. If you don't want friends that's fine, but I think the reason your social worker wants you to find one is so that you don't feel isolated and depressed and/or suicidal. Especially since suicide rates are much higher in people with autism. Maybe if you explained why you don't want friends and don't need them in a way the social worker understands she won't be so pushy?