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Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by SchrodingersMeerkat, Aug 1, 2017.

  1. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    Wherever I go and for as long as I can remember people have always told me I needed something called "friends". Even in the media, people need these "friend" things apparently. Even as young as three, I can remember auguring back that I didn't want friends...and I didn't. But no one would listen. I'm 30 now and the only person who harasses me about "making friends" is a case worker who will fortunately be leaving the agency soon.

    Anyway, why do I need these "friend" things? When I was a kid there was oftentimes a situation in the cartoons where the stereotype genius would get accepted into a school for geniuses but in the end they decided to stay behind with their friends. I never got those type of episodes. But it seems society deems this "friendship" thing as more important than it does anything else. What exactly am I supposed to do with these "friend" things? I was always told I shouldn't talk about my obsessions around other people, but that's the whole reason I wanted to be around other people, to talk about my obsessions. If I can't do that, what's the point? Am I supposed to be miserable? Everyone else seemed like they were having fun? Am I just supposed to be there as a "punching bag"?
     
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  2. The Penguin

    The Penguin Chilly Willy The Penguin

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    There can be people be happier being a hermit such as myself. The thing gets me upset many people I know including family consider being a hermit a bad thing. It more a bad thing for them as most of those people are people dependent on people to enjoy their lives. I learning depending on people preventing things I enjoy to do as most of my interest that I'm into the norm is not into. Maybe your more of a hermit person which is nothing wrong with that.
     
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  3. Streetwise

    Streetwise Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    i think it like certain animal species its a way to ensure survival herd animals are less aggressIVE than species that only contact to procreate such as lizards sharks
     
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  4. Streetwise

    Streetwise Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    in humans the term is gregarious but the psyche of people with the label autism has really stopped at the young infant age no way to interact without outside retraining unlike neurotypicals who learn extremely easily by observation
     
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  5. WittyAspie

    WittyAspie Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Ahh, how sad. I'll be your friend.

    #sarcasm
     
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  6. Lady Penelope

    Lady Penelope Well-Known Member

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    I feel similar. Made to feel inadequate for not desiring a group of friends ... that others seem to rotate anyway ...
    Found it easier to have one on one interactions until they moved on or i no longer found their company interesting.
    Haven't had what could be chatacterised as a friend in the normal sense since i was in high school...and that was a disaster.
    How do you get them?
    What do you do with them?
    How do you keep them?
    Why do we need them?
     
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  7. LogicalMind

    LogicalMind Well-Known Member

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    There are a few chicks on the chat forum...from Australia...You could use this site to find people in Australia...or you could use okcupid which does personality matches...you could use it to find friends
     
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  8. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Chicks?
    Seriously?..
    Chicks?........ -_-
     
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  9. Streetwise

    Streetwise Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    if only i was yellow and fluffy and tweeted
     
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  10. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    Even as a kid, my mom would call me a hermit.
     
  11. The Penguin

    The Penguin Chilly Willy The Penguin

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    Is there any stuff you enjoy doing alone?
     
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  12. ZebraAspie

    ZebraAspie Well-Known Member

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    If you don't want friends you don't need to make them. Although I didn't realise I wanted them till I had them.
     
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  13. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    Yes, pretty much everything. When other people got involved it was no longer fun.

    I know I don't, but I have a case worker who's REALLY getting on my case about "getting out and making friends". I made the mistake of telling her I went to church and now she wants me to get involved in some kind of community project there. I lied and said I would just to get her off my back. But now I don't really want to go to church anymore. She has no CLUE how to deal with someone with Asperger's.
     
  14. ZebraAspie

    ZebraAspie Well-Known Member

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    It's non of her business. You can't force friendship.
     
  15. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    How do I get her to stop? If I called up her supervisor and explained what was going on, I doubt they would understand how offensive it to an autistic person to try and force friendship on them. She's leaving the agency soon anyway but I fear my new worker could be the same way. I only go to it because my mom makes me. Supposedly I can't handle bills and the like without someone's help and my mother no longer lives with me.
     
  16. ZebraAspie

    ZebraAspie Well-Known Member

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    Where are you from do you have a choice of agencies.
     
  17. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I think the whole "friend" thing is a government conspiracy devised to control the masses, either that or an ill thought out NT attempt for reassurance. :)

    Never saw the need myself. In fact, often the reverse, having friends can get really stressful. All my meltdowns have been people induced.

    I have "had" friends, but they tend to be suited to a phase in my life. I'll make friends with people I am working on a project with, or studying with. But when I move on, it always transpires that we have little in common and maintaining the "friendship" is just a nuisance.

    I have had one friend that has lasted 30 years, but we go in and out each others life when necessary. We're both interested in writing at the moment and so are spending time together after not talking for 8 years. And THIS is perfect for me, I enjoy our interactions. But there is a point to them and unlike the rest of the sheep, I find her interesting.

    So your case worker will probably never understand, they are probably NT (because aspies don't make the best social carers and seem to be in the minority in that line of work). So the case worker probably thinks a "friend" will make you 'happy' or 'normal' or 'fix you' or all the other things that people have tried to "help" me with. They won't understand that we're not the ones who need fixing!

    But I would suggest handling it with a smile. I have infinite respect for case workers and social workers, imagine having a job where you work with people all day every day! How hard would that be! I love that there are people in the world who do this, who want to do this. Sure their suggestions might be rubbish sometimes, but at least they are trying. xx
     
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  18. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    I don't know. Probably not. My mom wouldn't let me change even if there were other options to pick from. The social worker claims she will help me find a therapist that specializes in autism, that can see in my apartment but I think she's making that up. And I don't think she realizes just because a person says that specialize in autism means they know anything.
     
  19. ZebraAspie

    ZebraAspie Well-Known Member

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    True gotta love the "autism specialist" people. I've got a ton of problems with current social and key worker.
     
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  20. fuzz

    fuzz Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Without friends I would
    - go to work
    - come home
    - and sleep,

    Those would be the most significant aspects of my life.

    With friends I can

    - discuss a thought or idea I've had
    - be there for them when I have something to offer, when they want to discuss something, or it's an activity I can help with
    - enjoy a beer or two with them and have a break from the anxiety and fears I have a lot of the time
    - go to places I consider cool, without feeling out of place, such as
    o theme parks
    o museums
    o country walks
    o a good movie in a cinema with armchairs and footstools and no annoying talking
    o and many other things I find enjoyable

    How important are they? I hadn't considered it like that before, I'd always just seen it as life is more enjoyable with friends -- when the friendships are working well. That's why I find it worth the effort it takes to maintain friendships.

    But how important are friends? I can live without my friends, but it would be a much harder life, with much more isolation and a feeling that other people are scary and just don't get me. But also, thinking of the good friends I'm no longer in contact with, it feels like there are activities or topics I no longer know how to do, or to talk about, and it feels like a part of me died with the ending of the friendship.

    How do you get friends? Ask exploratory questions - such as 'what do you like about xyz', or 'are you looking forward to abc'? There are other ways or doing it, but this I find the most sincere way.

    What do you do with them? See what I wrote above on what I can do with friends.

    How do you keep them? You need to find a way to have the space you need to yourself respected without it ending the friendship. Of course there are other parts to it, such as don't treat them like a piece of ****, but those are easy to do! Getting the issue of your space being respected is the hard bit, and for me it's the main aspect of maintaining friends.

    Why do we need them? See what I wrote above about how important are friends.
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2017