Chance, your situation sounds really bad. What you describe is not a marriage. It's a nightmare and unhealthy for you and your child. If she won't go to counseling and continues to abuse you in this fashion, then I think you should move on with your life.
About your response to me, you are not a liar! Many people cannot recall what happens during a shutdown/meltdown. That is normal for a shutdown/meltdown, as far as I know and have seen. What I try to do is to prevent those episodes from ever occurring. If I sense my nephew is getting stressed out, I change the location/scenario/situation to help him deal with stress. He is largely nonverbal so I have to use a lot of intuition and observation to figure out what is going on with him. I pretty well know his stimming behaviors so when I see those starting to happen or increase, I change his environment to something calmer/quieter/darker/whatever works.
About mindblindness - I learned about that theory on this website years ago. I don't think it pertains to inability to read facial expressions or to pick up on subtle language or body cues or other problems with autistics' efforts to comply with NTs' forms of "communication". I think it pertains to a lack of appreciation for or realization that all other people have their own feelings, needs, thoughts, and, I guess, personae, for lack of a better term. It pertains to empathy, I think. I don't want to get into that because it may provoke a firestorm of angry responses.
It doesn't matter that you aren't Mr. Social Butterfly. Your wife shouldn't care, either, because that is just who you are and how you are and presumably she knew that before you married. Good marriages are based on honesty, acceptance, understanding, compromise, equality and that nebulous thing called love, not necessarily in that order.
