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Flirting. (The most difficult thing in the world)

Spam

Spam

Well-Known Member
I need to know, what is flirting like for you?
I personally don't like it and have a hard time doing it.
To me it's extremely awkward.
I've never taken well to compliments.
Like do you say thanks? Compliment them back? Both?
And then just the overwhelming affection.
"I want to cuddle you."
Please no D:
Flirting is one of the first steps to a possible relationship. And I just can't get it right. I feel tense, uncomfortable, and fake.
Like, "yeah cuddling sounds super nice right now c;"
And in my head I'm thinking... no... stay away from me. (Even if I may kind of like them back). So in the last year I've completely refrained from flirting, which may be why I'm single haha.
But seriously, what about you guys? Do you like being flirted with? Being the one flirting? Do you like the attention? Do you seek it out?
 
Flirting for me is one of those mysteries only NTs know how to use. OK, I've had a go at what I think is flirting and I still can't work out if people are flirting with me or whether they just want to be my friend.
 
Up until I was 50 I was never without a gf, but, I've never asked anyone on a date as they always asked me. My gf's often thought it was hilarious that I would never pick up on subtle flirting yet always said I was an outrageous flirt. I thought I was just being friendly.
 
Flirting is a complete mystery to me, though I'm not sure if that has more to do with AS or being asexual. I can't tell when people are flirting with me, and I wouldn't have a clue how to flirt back! I've had people comment that I was being really flirty, but I was just being friendly and having fun :emojiconfused:
My mum commented to me when I was about 10 that "flirting is something everyone instinctively knows how to do once you hit puberty." Guess we all prove her wrong ;)
 
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I always used humor to flirt...but then again,I was the one who was always asked out

My lifestyle puts me in the spotlight and I know how to play the game

I am single now and longer want to play the game
 
The only ay I've been able to flirt is trial/error. I tried things and learned what worked. I was in college before I could pull if off.

When I sucked at it, it was no fun. It became fun when it started working/getting results. One girl in my dorm freshman year said, "You're such a flirt," and my reaction was, "Really?"

I realized that I had been practicing it so much, that I was essentially flirting with every girl I met regardless of my level of interest. A that point I just kept doing what I was doing, but only with the girls I was interested in.

I was never so happy as when that girl called me a flirt. It was like, "Eureka! I have figured it out, and it only took about 10 years." Even then, it took another year after that to really figure out how to "target" it correctly, at the right person, in the right way for that person. That's the hardest part - some things are consistent. As Nitro said, humor is fairly effective on most. However, other things work only on certain people.

It was quite an entertaining puzzle. Now that I am married, it seems a shame that I no longer need the skill I worked so hard on. I mean, sure I try to flirt with my wife, but it's not really the same thing.
 
Spam said:
"I want to cuddle you."
Please no D:
Flirting is one of the first steps to a possible relationship. And I just can't get it right. I feel tense, uncomfortable, and fake.
Like, "yeah cuddling sounds super nice right now c;"
And in my head I'm thinking... no... stay away from me. (Even if I may kind of like them back). So in the last year I've completely refrained from flirting, which may be why I'm single haha.
Click to expand...

A lot of women complain about NT guys NOT wanting to cuddle, so if that is the only non-negotiable issue, then you are in luck. However, if by "cuddle" you mean that physical contact is totally out of the question for you, then that may be problematic. Guys like to get physical at some point. My wife always wants me to cuddle more, and I am working on it b/c I don't really like to do it. I like the idea of cuddling, but in practice it is always uncomfortable. Still, I manage to pull it off sometimes. Always works better when I initiate it (which admittedly I don't often do). Still, despite not being enthusiastic about cuddling, I like sex, making out, etc.

Flirting is the primary way to get a date, which leads to relationships. It is pretty critical. Don't say "thank you" unless paid a direct compliment. Better yet, repay a compliment with a compliment if you're interested. He says, "You look great today." You say either: a) "You bet your ass I do"; or b) "you clean up pretty good yourself." Or whatever. See what works. Note what doesn't. Repeat the former; avoid the latter.
 
icesyckel said:
As Nitro said, humor is fairly effective on most. However, other things work only on certain people.

It was quite an entertaining puzzle. Now that I am married, it seems a shame that I no longer need the skill I worked so hard on. I mean, sure I try to flirt with my wife, but it's not really the same thing.
Click to expand...
Shock and awe gets em everytime...You get a laugh,you got their attention
then they are at ease with you...most of the battle is already won at that point

My marriage failed because my ex tried to change me into the person she wanted me to be...I change for no one :D...well I did change my address and marital status for her :p
 
icesyckel said:
A lot of women complain about NT guys NOT wanting to cuddle, so if that is the only non-negotiable issue, then you are in luck. However, if by "cuddle" you mean that physical contact is totally out of the question for you, then that may be problematic. Guys like to get physical at some point. My wife always wants me to cuddle more, and I am working on it b/c I don't really like to do it. I like the idea of cuddling, but in practice it is always uncomfortable. Still, I manage to pull it off sometimes. Always works better when I initiate it (which admittedly I don't often do). Still, despite not being enthusiastic about cuddling, I like sex, making out, etc.

Flirting is the primary way to get a date, which leads to relationships. It is pretty critical. Don't say "thank you" unless paid a direct compliment. Better yet, repay a compliment with a compliment if you're interested. He says, "You look great today." You say either: a) "You bet your ass I do"; or b) "you clean up pretty good yourself." Or whatever. See what works. Note what doesn't. Repeat the former; avoid the latter.
Click to expand...

You look great today." You say either: a) "You bet your ass I do"

What?! Please tell me you didn't use that one, Mr. Syckel.
 
icesyckel said:
A lot of women complain about NT guys NOT wanting to cuddle, so if that is the only non-negotiable issue, then you are in luck. However, if by "cuddle" you mean that physical contact is totally out of the question for you, then that may be problematic. Guys like to get physical at some point. My wife always wants me to cuddle more, and I am working on it b/c I don't really like to do it. I like the idea of cuddling, but in practice it is always uncomfortable. Still, I manage to pull it off sometimes. Always works better when I initiate it (which admittedly I don't often do). Still, despite not being enthusiastic about cuddling, I like sex, making out, etc.

Flirting is the primary way to get a date, which leads to relationships. It is pretty critical. Don't say "thank you" unless paid a direct compliment. Better yet, repay a compliment with a compliment if you're interested. He says, "You look great today." You say either: a) "You bet your ass I do"; or b) "you clean up pretty good yourself." Or whatever. See what works. Note what doesn't. Repeat the former; avoid the latter.
Click to expand...
It takes me a long time to get physically comfortable with someone. I'm 19 and sorry if this is TMI (But I've had a number of partners) Everyone, except one ex who I was with for two years, that I got intimate or even close physically with was followed by regret and guilt and immense discomfort. I did things because they wanted me too. Now of course, I've stopped that and haven't breached those boundaries since. Eventually I'll like to be close. But I'm talking flirting and immediate closeness is what draws me away.
 
Nitro said:
Shock and awe gets em everytime...You get a laugh,you got their attention
then they are at ease with you...most of the battle is already won at that point.

My marriage failed because my ex tried to change me into the person she wanted me to be...I change for no one :D...well I did change my address and marital status for her :p
Click to expand...

I agree - a good laugh seems to do the trick more oft than not.

As to change, I think everyone has to make that decision. Whether I change myself to reach my goals (e.g., to save my marriage, to keep my jpb, to hae a "normal" life, etc.) is my decision.

For me, I have decided that not all change is bad. Human beings grow and develop. We aren't static creatures. All of us will change to some degree with time. I choose to be at the helm of that change, steering the wheel to ensure that change is improvement, which I define as a change that takes me closer to my goals.

Also, many of us see incorporate silly things into our sense of identity like clothing, our car, or even our job. I am not the clothes I wear, the car I drive, or the job I keep. I am the person I choose to be no matter whether I drove a pickup truck or an SUV to the office. So changing these things does not change me. If I am driving across country, then I want a fuel efficient and comfortable car. If I am hauling something, then a pickup truck makes sense. I don't become a redneck when I turn the key in a pickup or a millionaire if I am sitting in a BMW or Lexus.

So I agree - no one should ahve to change for anyone else, but I choose to make changes to me for me.
 
Spam said:
It takes me a long time to get physically comfortable with someone. I'm 19 and sorry if this is TMI (But I've had a number of partners) Everyone, except one ex who I was with for two years, that I got intimate or even close physically with was followed by regret and guilt and immense discomfort. I did things because they wanted me too. Now of course, I've stopped that and haven't breached those boundaries since. Eventually I'll like to be close. But I'm talking flirting and immediate closeness is what draws me away.
Click to expand...

So long as you believe you will eventually want to be intimate under the right circumstances, not wanting to cuddle or be overly affectionate before isn't really an impediment then. Lots of guys I know would prefer that, in fact. I've known lots of guys who feel physical contact is only for sex or serious intimacy. They usually have trouble finding a girl like you.

Flirting you can learn. "Immediate closeness" shouldn't be expected. It's almost an oxymoron.
 
icesyckel said:
So long as you believe you will eventually want to be intimate under the right circumstances, not wanting to cuddle or be overly affectionate before isn't really an impediment then. Lots of guys I know would prefer that, in fact. I've known lots of guys who feel physical contact is only for sex or serious intimacy. They usually have trouble finding a girl like you.

Flirting you can learn. "Immediate closeness" shouldn't be expected. It's almost an oxymoron.
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A lot of the guys that get involved with me are obviously younger... so maybe they just got that one thing in mind. I was even told once that his goal was to get in my pants. Pffffft! Well then.... ready to leave those horny teenage boys behind! Lol
 
Spam said:
A lot of the guys that get involved with me are obviously younger... so maybe they just got that one thing in mind. I was even told once that his goal was to get in my pants. Pffffft! Well then.... ready to leave those horny teenage boys behind! Lol
Click to expand...


Yeah that makes a lot of sense. Actually, at that age, most NT's are still figuring out flirting too, so you're not really "behind the curve" just yet.

At least the guy who bluntly told you what he wanted was honest with you. Most teenage guys want sex, even those who have decided to wait for their own reasons usually want it. Don't hold it against them - it's just that season in their lives.
 
My ex met me at 3 am installing a transmission in my racecar at my repair facility I had at the time...I worked for myself and others around the clock most of my life...she loved and supported my business and racing before our marriage...My lifestyle intrigued her and she wanted to involved in it...she wanted a 9-5 guy at home early to hold hands with after I said "I do"... I did try it her way for a while,but fell on harder times within a year...being self-employed often takes up a lot of time,not just 40 hours...She was content to live in just enough money to survive and nothing nice and I was not... Taking away my time at work was crushing my soul and what I loved to do...she wanted change...she got it
After ten years of marriage I bought her a house to keep my business :p
 
Nitro said:
My ex met me at 3 am installing a transmission in my racecar at my repair facility I had at the time...I worked for myself and others around the clock most of my life...she loved and supported my business and racing before our marriage...My lifestyle intrigued her and she wanted to involved in it...she wanted a 9-5 guy at home early to hold hands with after I said "I do"... I did try it her way for a while,but fell on harder times within a year...being self-employed often takes up a lot of time,not just 40 hours...She was content to live in just enough money to survive and nothing nice and I was not... Taking away my time at work was crushing my soul and what I loved to do...she wanted change...she got it
After ten years of marriage I bought her a house to keep my business :p
Click to expand...

Yeah - that is different from what I thought you meant in your prior post. Thanks for clarifying.
 
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