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Flirting at work

A

Adam Moore

New Member
Hello, My name is Adam.

I am here to try and seek some knowledge and advice regarding someone I work with who has Autism and Asperger's. I've known her for over a year and half. Back in March 2020 she started working with us and unfortunately we all went on furlough by April and due to the nature of our work at an airport we couldn't go.

I took a real liking to this young lady and told her instantly how I felt about her. Things were a little rocky and up and down between us during lockdown. Not seeing each other was an issue for me because I prefer to see someone than hide behind messages, although we did occasionally do video calls.

Around last winter time I didn't know where her head was at. Since the day she started working with us, she has been nothing but flirty with me and everyone else can see it too. It's only in recent months where we really got back on track and established we both like each other a lot. Our understanding for each other has grown and blossomed significantly with her perhaps opening up more than she used to.

However, once again things have turned a little sour you might say. My feelings for her have grown considerably. I've hinted at meeting up outside of work. As friends. A coffee date, a shopping date, a leisurely walk, or even welcoming her to my home or vice versa. Both of us live with our parents. We are both of similar age too. I can tell instantly when she is not herself because goes very quiet, and others can sense it too. In the whole time I've known her I have given her the opportunity to tell me where she is. She has never pulled me to one side and told me she doesn't want to advance to anything more. The last shift we worked together, on Monday night, I feel like I might of pushed to her to tell me something that is not all that true. She said she doesn't see us been anything more than friends. But, the way she continues to flirt and look at me, like I do with her, tells a completely different story. Not just to me, but to many others too.

I take it that she is perhaps scared or not willing to tell me something. She can't tell me what it is that makes her see me as just a friend. I'm finding it hard to understand how someone can be like she is, but not feel anything inside. Or maybe perhaps she doesn't know what the feeling is if any.

You might think that I need to let go, just like if anyone else said they just want to be friends. But, I stumbled across a video online today too where a male explains that his friends had to tell him that he likes his now girlfriend, as much as she likes him and the transition from friend to girlfriend was a big step for him. With this story in mind, that's how I am vision what it is like for the girl I adore at work.

I will just touch on that we have both spoken about it maybe difficult to work with each other and see each other outside of work, but our shift patterns do not always match or cross since I am full time and she is part time. So in theory she could go a whole month without been on a single shift with me. (I know this from when I was part time).

Any insight at all would be very much be grateful to help me get a better understanding.

Thank you for your time.
 
Perhaps just asking her to go out and do a friend type of thing. I get intimidated if a guy labels me as girlfriend material right off the bat.

Better to go out, see if you get along first, outside of work. Often times l laugh and giggle with a male and they immedately chalk it up to l want to date them. This happened at my last job.
 
Is she shy towards other people? She also may be inexperienced with guys and have a bit of anxiety so may be withdrawing when her feelings are getting a little too intense for her. I did similar in the first relationship I had, keeping things at the level of being friends because of anxiety about developing a greater intimacy. I think that if you can have mutually enjoyable times together that may relieve some of her anxiety and make the progression to greater intimacy more natural and less fraught for her it is possible that she will respond positively. Don't rush.
 
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You do not state your age, but I am sensing that you are not yet into your thirties. I know that from my teens into my late twenties the very idea of a relationship with a member of the opposite sex was quite stressful. I did not have the social mechanisms to deal with someone who wanted to get to know me better. All i could think about was that they wanted to have sex, and I was just not ready for that.

Relax a bit, don't press. If something is going to develop let it happen at her pace. Just be a good friend and let her come to terms with her feelings.

I know I feel things deeply, even when I have trouble expressing what is going on inside my mind and body. Perhaps it is the same with her, and if she genuinely has feelings for you, then she will express them in her own time and in her own way.

You sound as if you enjoy her company and want more, but please, please, please, don't push. If it is going to happen, it will, and if she has bouts of seemingly being uncomfortable, back off and give her room. It takes time if you want to build a strong relationship with someone on the spectrum, at least from where I am; looking back over my life.
 
I think it is presumptive to not take a clear response at face value. In this case she says she does not want a relationship. I've read many here state the same sort of situation and think that what they hope to find is that somehow no means yes with a person on the spectrum. It's not the case.

Just an FYI. Aspergers was removed as a diagnosis in the USA. We all are just classified as having ASD now, which is subdivided into type 1 thru 3.
 
It's pretty well established in narratives that autistic women may, due to lack of understanding about social norms, inadvertently engage in behavior which may be interpreted as flirting.

Since she has told you she sees you as a friend, then leave things at that. If she wants to and is comfortable trying to take things further, so be it, but please don't try to make her uncomfortable and court her if that's not what she wants.
 
Thank you so much for all your responses. It's so helpful to get a better insight and more understanding.

I would like to say I believe we (me and who I like) have established the main reason why she is finding it difficult to advance. Unfortunately she has had some bad experiences in previous relationships and it seems she is possibly worried and scared of future possibilities in future relationships. This seems to be the only true liable explanation.

My next question is though, should I leave it where we are just friends at work, or should I take the opportunities to invite her to meet up outside of work with the idea that the more trust she has with me, the chance of something more may happen in the distant future? You could say we could still do that even if nothing does materialise further. I just feel like my feelings won't just shut off for her immediately and deep down I am in fact hopefully one day her mind will open to giving it a chance.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
@Richelle-H How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? Isn't that a Firesign Theater album?
Click to expand...

It is indeed. I go way back to when I was a junior in college. Peter Bergman created and hosted 'Radio Free Oz' on KPFK in Los Angeles. It was a surreal, improvisational comedy show influenced heavily by the Goons.

I remember one night they invaded a local arthouse and broadcast the soundtrack of the movie while improvising descriptions of the visuals. Very surreal!

I have a vinyl copy of "Don't Crush That Dwarf Hand Me The Pliers" signed
by the whole group. One of my treasures from the 70's.

I will stop now before I bore more than I already have.
 
Richelle-H said:
It is indeed. I go way back to when I was a junior in college. Peter Bergman created and hosted 'Radio Free Oz' on KPFK in Los Angeles. It was a surreal, improvisational comedy show influenced heavily by the Goons.

I remember one night they invaded a local arthouse and broadcast the soundtrack of the movie while improvising descriptions of the visuals. Very surreal!

I have a vinyl copy of "Don't Crush That Dwarf Hand Me The Pliers" signed
by the whole group. One of my treasures from the 70's.

I will stop now before I bore more than I already have.
Click to expand...
I discovered the Goon Show in '59 when a station in Windsor, Ontario, was broadcasting it.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
I discovered the Goon Show in '59 when a station in Windsor, Ontario, was broadcasting it.
Click to expand...
I think I listened to some of the exact same shows on the radio but a bit early than 59 I think, but then again maybe not as I remember I picked it up off a Canadian radio station. I was very big on listening to the radio for comedy and drama. I listened to x-minus one a lot as well.
 
Adam Moore said:
My next question is though, should I leave it where we are just friends at work, or should I take the opportunities to invite her to meet up outside of work with the idea that the more trust she has with me, the chance of something more may happen in the distant future?
Click to expand...
Sorry to have hijacked a bit of the thread. To answer your question. If it seems that she is open to it, and she likes talking to you, perhaps invite her out for coffee or something low key, especially if you know her interests. But, don't push. Let her feel comfortable with determining the pace of things. And listen to her if she is uncomfortable and don't push her to react.
 
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