First and last one night stand!

[Merete]

For me it would have been worse to not know what that romance "could" be - or was. Will you just keep on thinking about it- and get all crazy on the way?Whatever the reason you feel attached, Its just one way to find out. Tell her in some way. Why hide who you are. If that person is right for you, I guess all of that you is OK! You are worth it! And if it did not go as you hoped- that is also OK! Next time a better time, and you have learned a lot. Just be yourself, but do not hide behind it.

 

[pjcnet]

How is it that on an autism forum this many people have had one night stands? All I can see on the horizon is a life of being profoundly alone and dejected. Yet here there are supposedly a bunch of people on the spectrum who have had marriages, casual sex encounters, etc., by the look of things maybe most or a significant portion of the members...

Many end up being called a "one night stand" simply because sex only occurred once overnight, it doesn't mean it was intentional that there would be no follow up at the time and for many people like myself it's something that has only happened on a few occasions throughout their life. I'm 48 for instance and I've only had sex with a woman as a one off without it leading to a relationship twice which isn't much at all and on both occasions I didn't know whether it would lead further or not at the time. It's not the same as people who go out regularly looking for a casual partner just for 1 night, then another the next night without having any intention of having any relationship with any of them. There's quite a few people around like that, but I suspect there's a lower proportion who are on the autistic spectrum.

Anyway is there really anything wrong even with intentional one night stands? If both consenting single adults are happy for a no ties sexual encounter and they're responsible enough to take the relevant precautions, then I say let them enjoy themselves if that's what they truly want out of life at the time, they're not harming anyone. Yes I understand that casual sex is against some people's etiquette and values, so if they wish to live by rules such as "no sex unless in a serious relationship" or even "no sex before marriage" then that's perfectly fine, but it's unfair for them to attempt to enforce this on other people who feel differently or even condemn them. This is the 21st century.

 

[Fitzo]

Many end up being called a "one night stand" simply because sex only occurred once overnight, it doesn't mean it was intentional that there would be no follow up at the time and for many people like myself it's something that has only happened on a few occasions throughout their life. I'm 48 for instance and I've only had sex with a girl as a one off without it leading to a relationship twice which isn't much at all and on both occasions I didn't know whether it would lead further or not at the time. It's not the same as people who go out regularly looking for a casual partner just for 1 night, then another the next night without having any intention of having any relationship with any of them. There's quite a few people around like that, but I suspect there's a lower proportion who are on the autistic spectrum.

Anyway is there really anything wrong even with intentional one night stands? If both consenting adults are happy for a no ties sexual encounter and they're responsible enough to take the relevant precautions, then I say let them enjoy themselves if that's what they truly want out of life at the time, they're not harming anyone. Yes I understand that casual sex is against some people's etiquette and values, so if they wish to live by rules such as "no sex unless in a serious relationship" or even "no sex before marriage" then that's perfectly fine, but it's unfair for them to attempt to enforce this on other people who feel differently or even condemn them. This is the 21st century.

I don't think the OP was questioning or condemning anyone's right to a one night stand, rather questioning how autistics achieved this when he considered it unattainable for himself.

 

[pjcnet]

I don't think the OP was questioning or condemning anyone's right to a one night stand, rather questioning how autistics achieved this when he considered it unattainable for himself.

Fair enough and I understand. Thanks!


Therefore also in reply to @Propianotuner a lot of people have felt and still do feel the same way as yourself, especially autistic people. I used to think that everyone else in relationships had it really easy compared to myself and yet were often still moaning about it. I'd think why are they complaining when at least they can get a partner? I was a lot older than most before I lost my virginity thinking it would never ever happen with severe confidence issues probably similar to yourself, but when it finally happened I wondered what all the fuss was about and my few relationships after that were unfortunately all destructive, especially the last one leading me to feel that I'm better off single (I have always been attracted to "bad" women however and have even rejected "nice" women that were truly interested which was my ultimate downfall). I've been single now for a good 15 years and as a 48 year old autistic man with health issues I think I'm far more likely to remain single for the rest of my life than yourself at half my age. I'm not saying that all relationships are destructive however and you could be lucky, especially if you're not specifically attracted to "bad" women that are obviously much more likely to cause issues.

It's up to yourself if you get an opportunity of a one night stand as long as you take precautions, but many autistic people find it especially difficult not to become attached like the OP of this thread for instance and this could hurt you emotionally. They're certainly not for everyone, but one could still gain you the confidence you need to later meet a long term partner.

I'm no expert, but I can say that success often comes down to confidence, if you keep thinking that you will never get anyone it makes it much harder for yourself as you subconsciously become a lot more unapproachable, for instance when I did have short lived success I felt especially confident and even when not looking for anyone else I got various other offers, but when I was single with no confidence it was a different story, no-one wanted to know. I will also say that nightclubs and pubs / bars aren't always the best place to find partners, especially for many people on the autistic spectrum, I'd look for other ways of socialising, perhaps even organised social and/or activity groups (possibly even run by charities for people on the autistic spectrum). Best of luck!

 

[Dan Dan]

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Yes, as an NT I would say a letter certainly could work and since it's not in your face or hers might be a lot more comfortable for both of you.

Ok i got her number on Sunday of my freind. She asked why so i said i just want to speak to her. But im pretty sure she new what i wanted to talk to her about because she went on to tell me that she's just come out of a 4 year relationship with her fiancee and was reluctant to give me her number. I just said that all a want is a little chat. Dont know what to do now!

 

[LucyPurrs]

Ok i got her number on Sunday of my freind. She asked why so i said i just want to speak to her. But im pretty sure she new what i wanted to talk to her about because she went on to tell me that she's just come out of a 4 year relationship with her fiancee and was reluctant to give me her number. I just said that all a want is a little chat. Dont know what to do now!

What if you said you'd been thinking about her and how much you enjoy her as a person and wondered if she'd like to go for coffee sometime? Keep it short and simple.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Forgot to say I think a letter would be less threatening to her and more in a safe zone.

 

[Dan Dan]

Hmmm. I sense rejection. I feel it in my gut. Can't deal with rejection right now im feeling quite blue. Also got a feeling that my freind has called ahead and told her im going to contact her. This is so difficult for me. There's too much going on in my head and i cant make sense of anything. I might wait a while until I can think clearly.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Hmmm. I sense rejection. I feel it in my gut. Can't deal with rejection right now im feeling quite blue. Also got a feeling that my freind has called ahead and told her im going to contact her. This is so difficult for me. There's too much going on in my head and i cant make sense of anything. I might wait a while until I can think clearly.

Surely didn't mean to make you feel rejected. I'd try not to read too much into what your mutual friend said- after all , the girl in question did spend the night with you & acted as if she didn't regret it and enjoyed it.
Try not to overthink this but do wait until you feel more ready.

 

[Judge]

Maybe there's nothing more for you to say or do. Only to go back to living your life without any expectations, though it's always possible she might try to contact you later. If she just came out of a long relationship it stands to reason that it may not pay to push the matter with her.

 

[Dan Dan]

To be honest I keep looking for reasons not to peruse it. And was hoping for people to agree and say its hopeless and tell me not to. Im in a pessimistic mood at the moment. It comes and goes for me.

 

[LucyPurrs]

To be honest I keep looking for reasons not to peruse it. And was hoping for people to agree and say its hopeless and tell me not to. Im in a pessimistic mood at the moment. It comes and goes for me.

That's fine as long as you don't beat yourself up with "what ifs" later on.

 

[Dan Dan]

That's fine as long as you don't beat yourself up with "what ifs" later on.

I did it this morning. I woke up super early and started over thinking things. I somehow managed to summon up the courage to ask her. i thought to myself whats the worst that could happen and i started to type a draft on my phone. My first draft was an essay which when i read out loud didn't make sense and made me look dumb so i deleted it and started again. All i wrote was " hi its dan are you interested in meeting up sometime". My thumb was hovering over the send button for what seemed like days. I sent it on WhatsApp at 8:41 (UK time) and she read it at 9:32 without doubt the longest 51 minutes of my life. But it gets worse. She didn't reply until 3:04 this afternoon. Anyway she said "Not really looking for anything at the moment just want to be on my own and focus on uni! Xx" FIVE HOURS AND 36 MINUTES of pure anxiety and hell. I must of checked my phone 500 times today. Why did it take so long to tell me that. And i dont understand why she put a "xx" at the end? Ive been grumpy and short tempered all day. And i also made a bad mistake at work which i very rarely do.
Although I am glad i asked because now i can stop overthinking things. Nothing is worth this level of anxiety and stress and emotional pain. I took a huge leap of faith and it backfired. I feel like such a loser. I also feel like i need to be around people at the moment, which is unusual for me. I dont want to be by myself. Its been a bad day.

 

[LucyPurrs]

I did it this morning. I woke up super early and started over thinking things. I somehow managed to summon up the courage to ask her. i thought to myself whats the worst that could happen and i started to type a draft on my phone. My first draft was an essay which when i read out loud didn't make sense and made me look dumb so i deleted it and started again. All i wrote was " hi its dan are you interested in meeting up sometime". My thumb was hovering over the send button for what seemed like days. I sent it on WhatsApp at 8:41 (UK time) and she read it at 9:32 without doubt the longest 51 minutes of my life. But it gets worse. She didn't reply until 3:04 this afternoon. Anyway she said "Not really looking for anything at the moment just want to be on my own and focus on uni! Xx" FIVE HOURS AND 36 MINUTES of pure anxiety and hell. I must of checked my phone 500 times today. Why did it take so long to tell me that. And i dont understand why she put a "xx" at the end? Ive been grumpy and short tempered all day. And i also made a bad mistake at work which i very rarely do.
Although I am glad i asked because now i can stop overthinking things. Nothing is worth this level of anxiety and stress and emotional pain. I took a huge leap of faith and it backfired. I feel like such a loser. I also feel like i need to be around people at the moment, which is unusual for me. I dont want to be by myself. Its been a bad day.

Sorry it didn't work out Dan Dan but think it's really good that you made the effort. Better to have learned now before you got really invested in her than later. Don't give up on meeting someone. Why don't you check out some meet up groups in your area?

 

[Dan Dan]

Sorry it didn't work out Dan Dan but think it's really good that you made the effort. Better to have learned now before you got really invested in her than later. Don't give up on meeting someone. Why don't you check out some meet up groups in your area?

What is a meet up group? I've been thinking about signing up to an autistic dating site but i get nervous thinking about it. Also im still waiting for a formal diagnosis so i dont feel like i could join one until im diagnosed.

 

[LucyPurrs]

I doubt you'd have to wait for a formal diagnosis to join an autistic dating site but maybe others here can address that better than I. IN the US a meet up group is a social group that meets in your community for events and often they are organized around an interest. Google meet up group and your city and you should be able to find some if they exist in England (not sure if they do). Try this website then click on your location : United Kingdom Meetup Groups - Meetup

 

[Dan Dan]

Ill have a look into it. Thank you LucyPurrs!

 

[LucyPurrs]

Ill have a look into it. Thank you LucyPurrs!

No problem, you're welcome. Also if you google Aspergers dating sites there are several listed.

 

[pjcnet]

I did it this morning. I woke up super early and started over thinking things. I somehow managed to summon up the courage to ask her. i thought to myself whats the worst that could happen and i started to type a draft on my phone. My first draft was an essay which when i read out loud didn't make sense and made me look dumb so i deleted it and started again. All i wrote was " hi its dan are you interested in meeting up sometime". My thumb was hovering over the send button for what seemed like days. I sent it on WhatsApp at 8:41 (UK time) and she read it at 9:32 without doubt the longest 51 minutes of my life. But it gets worse. She didn't reply until 3:04 this afternoon. Anyway she said "Not really looking for anything at the moment just want to be on my own and focus on uni! Xx" FIVE HOURS AND 36 MINUTES of pure anxiety and hell. I must of checked my phone 500 times today. Why did it take so long to tell me that. And i dont understand why she put a "xx" at the end? Ive been grumpy and short tempered all day. And i also made a bad mistake at work which i very rarely do.
Although I am glad i asked because now i can stop overthinking things. Nothing is worth this level of anxiety and stress and emotional pain. I took a huge leap of faith and it backfired. I feel like such a loser. I also feel like i need to be around people at the moment, which is unusual for me. I dont want to be by myself. Its been a bad day.

Well done for having the courage. I was really hoping she would have said yes and I'm sorry to hear that wasn't the case, but unfortunately real life isn't always like the feel good movies where the man always gets the woman of his dreams even if it's against all odds to live happily ever after and nearly all of us have to experience rejection during our lives, often on many occasions. She knows you're interested now anyway and it sounds like she's taken it really well, in fact I believe most women like being asked out as it gives them self confidence and it's flattering (women - correct me if I'm wrong lol). Perhaps she took so long since she was contemplating what to say so to let you down without hurting you as much as possible, she obviously has some respect for you and the xx doesn't necessarily mean anything except being friendly for some women. It's okay to still be friendly if you see her, but I would try to move on rather than waiting on the off chance that she could change her mind one day. Anyway next time it will hopefully be easier and you will get the response you were hoping for.

Best of luck!

 

[Fitzo]

Good for you Dan for having the courage to ask! Please don't assume that there's something wrong with you or that you did wrong that's the reason she said no. Your mutual friend said she just broke up with someone and wasn't ready to start dating again. There can be a million reasons she said no, none of which may have anything to do with you. She probably felt bad letting you down is the reason it took her so long, which shows she cares about you even if not in the way you hoped.
Don't give up. The next one may be the one!
Best of luck!