fellow aspie member in social group

[paloftoon]

A fellow member in an aspie group started making personal threads in our social group. I started to respond to some of them and offered my own opinions. At first, this individual felt supported. At one point, we came to a big disagreement.

In one of the threads, she was complaining about how her mom was complaining about her ability to keep up with errands among everything else (her job or two PT jobs- her situation with what she did wasn't the best expressed) and how her mom didn't remind her to attend her therapy appointments. I told her based on what I saw in her thread that I agreed with everything else in it except for the point of the therapy appointments. I told her that she needs to find a way to remember her therapy appointments herself and she needs to find a way to move out and live independently on her own. Otherwise, as long as she is living with her mother, her place so her rules.

She got mad at me and told me that if I'm not supporting her to "back off."

I ended up blocking her and the moderators changed the rules and requested for people who had very personal matters to reach out to the administrators for potential resources for help.

 

[Bolletje]

It's not always clear whether someone is "venting"; looking for practical advice; or looking for behavioral or psychological advice.

Oh absolutely. This is an issue I regularly run into with my boyfriend. If I complain about something he’ll immediately start offering advice or asking questions to get to the bottom of the problem, when all I really want is to vent and have him acknowledge my frustration. He means well, but just misunderstands what I want from him.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I think that expending effort in resistance to change is a behavior in ASD. I agree with you that part of growing is to take responsibility for one's own care and when one lives with others who are heads of the household, a person must expect diminished autonomy. Without that growth, one is risking dependence and even infantilazation.
You have no control how somebody chooses to take the sometimes direct, factual, assessments we are prone to, so don't dwell on it. You did it with the best of intentions and now the ball is in her court. Maybe her idea of support is unthinking agreement, but I think you offered what, if acted upon, is supportive for the long term.

But then, maybe I am odd since from the earliest age I was fiercely independent and could not fathom how anybody after high school could accept living with their parents.

 

[Magna]

Oh absolutely. This is an issue I regularly run into with my boyfriend. If I complain about something he’ll immediately start offering advice or asking questions to get to the bottom of the problem, when all I really want is to vent and have him acknowledge my frustration. He means well, but just misunderstands what I want from him.

I'm convinced this is a difference between men and women. Admittedly that's a generalization, but I believe in general (obviously can be exceptions) men are "fixers".

"If my partner is telling me something that is upsetting to them or it's a problem for them that must mean my partner needs help. I will try to help my partner by offering a solution. If my partner had a solution to this upsetting situation or problem then naturally it could be assumed my partner would solve the problem since no one willingly wants to be upset."

It's virtually a foreign concept, the idea of just "being there to listen" (and not offer any advice to help).

I've been married for twenty years and my wife and I value and love each other. We've found the following works best for us: When my wife just wants to vent and just wants me to be there to listen, she'll now preface her venting with: "I don't want or need you to fix anything I'm about to say, I just want you to listen." I'm then able to shift into "listening mode". The pressure is off. I don't need to "fix". This works very well.

Thank GOD my wife isn't the type of partner that expects that I should just know that she wants me to just listen. Thank GOD she's not the kind of partner that feels that if she has to ask me to just listen than I'm defective because I don't just "get" her (ie be in tune with her non-verbally).

 

[Suzette]

@Gerald Wilgus "I think that expending effort in resistance to change is a behavior in ASD".
Yes, very much so. It IS one of the things we can change though. But growth can be painful.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Before my stroke I was very handy, My wife is starting to realize this is no longer the case.

 

[paloftoon]

I'm convinced this is a difference between men and women. Admittedly that's a generalization, but I believe in general (obviously can be exceptions) men are "fixers".

. . .

Thank GOD my wife isn't the type of partner that expects that I should just know that she wants me to just listen. Thank GOD she's not the kind of partner that feels that if she has to ask me to just listen than I'm defective because I don't just "get" her (ie be in tune with her non-verbally).

So, I should be glad I'm gay?

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe her mom is setting her up to fail. Parents do this so that we can be dependent on them. Maybe your statement made her feel helpless and unable to deal with her mom.

Even friends can hold us back. When we become healthy and start standing up for ourselves, there is a period of adjustment for the new us to emerge. She is emerging and becoming more independent just by the fact she is holding two positions.