Feeling sorry for myself

[wanderer03]

I've come down with a rather bad cold and this morning I awoke feeling really sorry for myself; sorry that I have such difficulty functioning in the neurotypical world. The past three years have been tough as I was hospitalized three times for major depressive and anxiety disorders. I was approved for social security disability back in January and I live on other forms of assistance. The future looks kind of bleak so I try not to look much beyond today, tomorrow, or next week.

I kind of feel like life is a joyless existence and that there is nothing really beyond working for a few hours a week and then not working at all.

 

[Judge]

Yes. Being ill makes everything bad that much worse. Hey- we're only human...

Back in December I was VERY ill. Scary stuff...ended going to a nurse practitioner in a walk-in clinic for much needed antibiotics.

 

[Tom]

Bounce

 

[watersprite]

Well wishes wanderer03

 

[Cosmophylla]

I know how you feel wanderer03... I have chronic fatigue, from which I'm slowly recovering but still I have to be so careful. I study one day a week and that one day is enough to put me in bed for several days afterward. Pretty miserable. And I struggle with my kids and being a parent...the demands on me, the stress of trying not get angry with them all the time for just being kids, not listening to me, etc.

Is there something special that speaks to you? For me, going into my garden and just looking at the trees and taking some slow, deep breaths of the fresh air really does help me, because I love gardening and gardens more than anything. Do you have a hobby, interest, something that recharges you, even for a little while?

Also, over the past couple of months I've been using a nature recordings app to listen to when I need to relax. I find listening to river and other water sounds very helpful when trying to reduce stress levels... I put headphones on, lie down, and visualise sitting by the river I'm listening to, or swimming in it, or sitting on a porch listening to the rain. It really helps me to have those sounds to focus my attention on as I breathe. Afterwards, when I have those waves of depression that wash over me, I can recall the visions I had when meditating and that helps me push away the feeling of hopelessness that was trying to get in. (e.g. I will "hear" the sounds of my body splashing in the cool water of a stream on a warm day) It doesn't miraculously make me feel hopeful again, but it at least silences the beast for a while.

The rain recordings are also really helpful when I can't switch off at bedtime...they send me to sleep pretty quickly. The app I use, on iOS, is called Naturespace, but I'm sure there are others out there. Naturespace has a few free tracks that come with the app, and two of favourites are the rain and the river. The sound quality is excellent.

 

[Cosmophylla]

It just occurred to me to ask: do you have any plants inside your home?

Plants are great for cleaning the polluted indoor air and at will also help you feel better. If you don't have any potted plants inside I recommend spider plant (Chlorophytum comosum), also called ribbon plant, I think. It's basically impossible to kill it because it has thick fleshy roots for storing water, so you can forget to water it for months and it will still survive.

 

[Jimbo]

Sounds like you may be lacking a sense of purpose. Maybe you need to figure out what you are good at, how you can contribute to society. Surely you have some skills you can put to use.

Try to visualize what you want your life to look like and start working to get to that place in life you can see yourself being happy. What are you good at and what do you enjoy doing? It may not be easy to figure out, but I can guarantee you there is something you can do that would make a difference in the lives of others and in the world.

I have sometimes felt like I had no purpose and it's a bad feeling. I found I am only experiencing joy when I am serving my customers as well as serving in my church as a teacher and layspeaker. If I leave these activities out of my life I find myself getting depressed.

It could be all you need is some friends or acquaintances to be around which I know is not something easy for aspies.

I wish you the best!