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Featured Feeling Self Conscious about looks

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Frostee, Apr 25, 2019.

  1. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    So, I know I don’t look drop dead gorgeous. But i’m not sure where I rate on a scale of 1-10, i’ve never dated or been in a relationship.

    Few people praise me Bar my parents. I notice when I make an effort I don’t get too many compliments.

    Yesterday I was at a special event, so I dressed up. Following the event I took a photo on put it on FB. I don’t upload unless I think it looks respectable.

    Anyway, just received a few likes. No likes from friends etc. Made me feel very insecure and self conscious.

    Not sure why my photos don’t get likes, but it’s something that I notice. Very upsetting.

    (Why wouldn’t friends and family like my photo?)

    Makes me wonder if people don’t want me to do well.

    Click on the underlined O to see the photo.
    O
     
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  2. Major Tom

    Major Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If you use Facebook for your self-confidence you are most likely bound to be disappointed. Social media works well to boost some people's confidence, but I think its a kind of superficial confidence. Learn to love yourself, flaws and all, and you'll be much happier in the long run.
     
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  3. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    First of all, forget Facebook. It's a superficial, artificial environment which can quickly make or destroy a person's self-confidence. Often, the 'likes' that people give and receive have nothing to do with whether the photo or post is good or not or even whether they really like it, it is all to do with politics and building social connections and status within a social circle, people vying for position and trying to become popular or to be seen to be outgoing or popular. Facebook may have one or two interesting posts, but mostly it's full of trivial, superficial crap. I really don't get this culture of selfies and posting what one had for dinner, all these trivial details of one's personal life for public display, and the 'likes' mean nothing to me. What does matter to me is my real relationships to those close to me in my real life, that's what has value to me, not Facebook fake friends.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2019
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  4. Monachopia

    Monachopia ...spiral out... keep going. V.I.P Member

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    As others have pointed out, don't use social media as a marker for self-confidence... Also, you are a man and in men's terms - it is more socially awkward to 'like' someone's picture without some hidden meaning that goes along with it. Men don't tend to 'like' each other's photos unless there's something weird/funny going on within it. At least that's my understanding of it.
    It's all quite trivial, but I understand why some people seem to need constant feedback. I have some people on Facebook like that, they constantly post what they're doing and selfies for some sort of self-validation. It's not a good loop to get trapped in, to be honest.

    Having a glance at your photo - you are an attractive young man, so own it! Don't worry what others think, no one is really ever going to go out of their way to give compliments because people are too self-absorbed in their own stuff. Do not worry about them. Worry about how you feel in your own skin, that's all that matters! Or rather - as you get older you'll realise this more and more.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2019
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  5. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    I've said this many, many times before, and I'll say it many, many times more:

    Just dont use Facebook.

    I mean, seriously, you could just replace the C in there and call it Fakebook at this point. Because that's basically what it is. Nothing on there has any meaning, or any substance, or any importance. Yet it can cause all sorts of bloody stupid problems, as you are now seeing first-hand. And I can say, from plenty of time observing how various family members tend to interact with it, that it can cause much worse problems than just what you're experiencing. Lots of potential issues, zero actual benefit... you do the math.

    If you want to know what someone thinks of your appearance... just bloody well ask them.

    Hell, ask on this forum if you want. I've noticed that people on here tend to be open and honest, and honesty is important with stuff like this. Someone saying "that looks good" just because they think you want to hear it isnt helpful feedback.


    EDIT:

    Oh. You did post a photo. Er.... maybe make the link a bit more obvious, I genuinely didnt see it.

    Anyway, you look fine. There's no reason to think little of yourself.

    Remember this: "We're all our own worst critics". I forget where I heard that, but it is indeed true.
     
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  6. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    Was almost interested when I thought you meant Cakebook
     
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  7. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    At least something like that would have a practical purpose, instead of being a waste of perfectly good 0s and 1s.
     
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  8. jkwon

    jkwon Active Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't use Facebook and Instagram because I compare myself with people.
    People have two identities. One for real-time, one for Facebook.

    Facebook is people's glorified lives. I believe that most people only share the best of their lives in Instagram and Facebook.

    Sean Parker, one of Facebook's board of directors, said that Facebook is designed to be addicted. Just one more like, just one more notification that I have to check, just one more comparison. just one more post to see, the wall on Facebook's homepage never ends!

    I believe that it's better to be alone than connect with a totally fake someone.
     
  9. Gracey

    Gracey Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If you were happy with your appearance and felt good about it,
    ‘Likes’ and judgement pale into insignificance.

    Hold onto that feeling of feeling good about how you looked.
    Let it influence the rest of your day.

    Own it girlfriend! :)
     
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  10. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Well-Known Member

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    Hard to rate accurately with just a picture from the front.

    From this you appear average. You actually have some good features, which would make me say you could actually be slightly above average depending on your jaw (which appears to be your weak point). The jaw is hard to judge from just this picture. The extra weight you are carrying is certainly holding you back a bit. I'm straight and not a woman so I don't instantly feel in my ovaries if a man is attractive or not, hence the uncertainty since I rely on pure metrics. 5-6 out of 10. Possible 6 to 7 if jaw is much better than I can see now and you lost weight.

    The only guys that get mass likes from women are the extremely good looking. Even quite good looking guys rarely get a girl that likes a pic says they are hot. You get drowned out by the upper echelons of men that are just another click away. Same as on dating sites, etc.

    Chasing likes is really not something you should be doing. It is extremely bad for your personality. It causes you to base your value on inaccurate metrics, this leads to numerous people feeling like they are God's gift to the world while being completely worthless while drowning out the people that are actually extraordinary. I don't see the appeal of facebook myself, not sure what everyone is doing on there all day.
     
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  11. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just Enjoying Survival V.I.P Member

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    you are absolutly adorable! you may not get Likes on FB but im sure you got Looks in real life!
     
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  12. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    You are very cute!
    I've thought that since you posted that video however long ago.
    I was just about to be inappropriate, but I guess five medications is finally enough for me to have some self-control. :rolleyes:

    Not that you should try again or that Facebook matters at all, but smiling pictures gets significantly more likes than a not-smiling picture. I've always thought my smile was ugly and that I looked much better not smiling, but pictures of me with a giant, ugly smile get 2-3x more likes.

    Maybe they're laughing at me! :eek:

    Just kidding, I'm beautiful! :D
     
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  13. Yeshuasdaughter

    Yeshuasdaughter Well-Known Member

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    Well, take it from a middle aged woman. Looks are nothing. Fleeting vanity. One day people were saying I had the skin of a china doll, and then I literally woke up one day at age 38, and my face was covered in wrinkles, my stomach sagged, and my hair was salt a and pepper gray. My once blond hair was now suddenly brown with gray highlights.

    Looks go away so fast. Enjoy your youth, but remember, that older is wiser, and to cultivate the inner you.
     
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  14. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    People can also like you if you are associated with a celebrity status person.
    I went through that when I was one of the admins for the fan club page on Facebook of a singer that was idolized by a lot of fans.
    I drew the banner for his page and got likes on photos of myself just because I was associated with him.
    Now he is retiring and not so famous. And all of those want to see photos of me just disappeared. :p
     
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  15. bbc-bananasplit

    bbc-bananasplit Well-Known Member

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    You look fine, not ugly not beautiful, as do most, but your face has good proportions and I'm quite sure that someone will find it attractive. On the FB there has been said enough, nearly. I for one post often on FB, but usually only architecture photos and arts - hardly anybody ever likes it officially, but I know people notice. Liking is just to much effort in a world where everything wants likes.

    1) Showing admiration via likes on FB isn't always a true liking. Putting likes on pictures is a way for people to demonstrate that they have noticed, that they (apparently) care, that they like to be in your favour. It's a nice gesture, but it really depends on the person posting the picture.

    2) People on FB are desentisized so much that they hardly raise an eyebrowe over some picture of someone.

    3) It really depends on the type of picture you post - yours a reminds me of a picture for a dating site: in the mirror, a selfy with smartphone visible, dressed up. But there's nothing special in it for people: They want ot get something, they wan't to have feelings and emotions about pictures, social feelings.. So if you were shown smiling and huging with some friends having lots of fun, I'm quite sure people would more interested

    4) Some people also think that likes are impersonal
     
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  16. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

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    Cake and a book - perfect day :D

    Facebook and relying on 'likes' for a boost to self esteem is pointless. As others have said previously, it's fake.

    @Frostee - for every person who doesn't find you appealing there's another person out there who will. The secret is to relax, be yourself and remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder ;)
     
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  17. bbc-bananasplit

    bbc-bananasplit Well-Known Member

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    Indeed! :D Especially today: It's raining outside, the birds are tchirping, I'm sitting inside - windows all wide open - with cup of coffee, snack and book, and some computer on the side. Who needs good looks when you got this?
     
  18. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    I agree with Fino that you'd probably get more likes if you smiled, happy and relaxed photos make people happy, hence more likes. You look fine in the attached photo, maybe a bit grumpy and your phone is partially covering your face which makes it feel impersonal, but not bad looking.

    This has been said several times, but bares repeating: Don't base your self esteem on likes. It's shallow and fake, and facebook likes are often more of a token acknowledgment that a photo has been seen than a true appreciation for the subject.

    100% this.
     
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  19. Jojo_LB

    Jojo_LB Brilliant Enigma V.I.P Member

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    I think we need to get rid of that "scale" for looks, or at least try to pretend it never even was a thing. It just never, ever made sense! One may consider someone a 9, someone else may consider the same person 4, someone else may consider that same person a perfect 10.

    What does any of that mean anyway? I don't even understand what I just typed.

    So before you read anymore of my babbling, I want to say that I have limited experiences with romantic relationships. Also, I'm on the asexual spectrum, so everyone I encounter is pretty much a 5 to me until they get promoted because I discover they are witty and sweet and sensitive and thoughtful and they "get me", etc. (Or perhaps 5.5, since that's the median on this scale and so it's neutral? I don't know. Again, I don't get it.)

    I am married to someone who is fantastic. How we got here is a whole 'nother thing and my biggest lessons in attraction and relationships come from my relationship with him alone, and it's interesting and all that, but,

    The points I wanted to make are (some of them are just reiterations of what was already said):

    There are so many people in this world. And so many of them would be very attracted to you if you got the chance to meet even just a small fraction of the world's population.

    As was said many times above, social media is not a good place for finding potential partners or even gauging anyone's attractiveness. Most people put their best faces out there.

    Find confidence. There is a difference between confidence and cocky, arrogant, conceited, showy, narcissistic, etc. (none of which you are, by the way, but the reason I am making that distinction is that people incorrectly think confidence is similar to those things). Confidence is simply knowing, affirming, and re-affirming who you are, and being totally comfortable with yourself. It seems like a gargantuan task, but it can be done.

    Choose to not be around negative messages about appearance, autism, etc. Finding a community of people who will support you, not judge you, and validate your experiences (as long as you are not an awful person, which clearly you are not) is important. You are here, so you're already going in the right direction. :)
     
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  20. Sab

    Sab Well-Known Member

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    Hey!

    I feel like I finally feel comfortable with my looks (and myself) and one of the things that helped was to stop asking for approval or validation from others about how I look, what I do, what I think, and to try to find that confidence inside. I feel wayyyy better about myself now that I am not on facebook comparing myself. What was helpful for me was indulging in special interests, figuring out what I liked, what was important to me and being around people who shared similar values and who didn't shame me for who I was or wasn't. Also, consuming body diverse and body positive media, or media that are inclusive of trans/queer realities and disabled bodies helped.

    I realized that it was really not about what I objectively look like, but about feeling comfortable with my looks (but yeah that’s easier said than done and I don't always feel that way). Exploring gender presentation and making myself look more like how I feel was what changed everything.

    Every body is worthy of love and affection and so are you!
     
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