I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, so let that be a caution and a disclaimer, but intensity is a primary facet of giftedness. I am diagnosed AS but also documented PG (profoundly gifted). I have noticed quite a few others on the spectrum with this distinction too, to various levels (IQ has level markers from moderate to profound, but I also must state that IQ alone does not necessarily denote 'gifted' and nobody should feel bad if they aren't, and nobody should feel bad if they are. It just is.). Sometimes it can be difficult for me to delineate between the two modalities, as many of the 'symptoms' cross over, some by different terminology but they're essentially similar, perhaps the same. Part of my coming here lo these months ago was to sort it all out. I think I have found some clarity, but I wouldn't go so far as to say definitive answers.
I am a very intense person, with very intense feelings and moods. I feel things so very, very deeply, and not only that, but substantially also, in the sense of breadth, of seeing forests as well as trees, from the tip of roots to where the star goes on top. I've learned to cope with it as best I can, to just accept it as part of me, and part of the way I perceive and experience life. How does one describe breathing? You just do it. There is a glass of water, and I am Niagara Falls. It is what it is, it is my nature and by that respect divine, so I embrace it, although that is not to say that it does not cause me trouble, and I mean that in respect to my interactions with others. I sometimes (okay, often) despair that the power and heft of my expression may affect others. I fear more than anything that I have drowned people, or have the potential to. Well, I know I already have.
I have had a lot of feedback in my life, and it's an oft related phenomenon to me that my communications can be very uh, powerful. I am so oblivious that I don't even realise it, because it is my normal. Much of my life, I assumed that what I experienced was universal and people just didn't talk about it much. It was not until somewhat recent times that I came to understand that it was very much not the case.
I can cope with it on my own in my own bubble alright, in a vacuum, the problem is that I do believe I affect others very strongly. I must express these things, I must let them out if at all possible as a natural born communicator (as it happens, suppressing them tends to create more problems because I will only burst later, and with a lot less control, vis a vis tempest in a teacup, meltdown, shutdown, etc). Yet when I interact, have friendships and relationships with others, observation and feedback has given me plenty of reason to feel as though I affect others strongly with my intensity. The more intimate the connection, the more problematic it seems to be, go figure, a logical element in human relationship dynamics (yet still, not in every case). But it is because people care. As I also do. And it goes both ways. You love and care for people, you don't want them to be hit like a sledgehammer nor then to carry your pain. This explains a lot of my behaviour and quirks, it is why I am She of the Sudden Silences and Occasional Departures. Most of the time, it's because I don't want to impose, and I wish to protect those that I care about. I love in all expressions of the ideal, and I do not want to be alone, solitary anymore, and I want to be a real girl. Yet...
I feel as though I have a choice, and that choice is to be open and honest, completely authentic, and accept the consequences of that (which is what I want more than anything), with the caveat that others have to accept this as well and be able to handle it without taking it personally (not easy), or my other option- put that pragmatism suit on and be a surface dweller, a ghost, a maybe-almost-an-eighth-of-a-person. That of course, is against my nature, but sometimes it feels like the only option that doesn't cause any trouble or adversity, or... hurt *very very sad face*. I believe it is difficult to handle me. And I am sorry for that. So very much, at a gut level, dropped to my knees. Yet it is not something within my ability to change unless I give up my 'self' entirely. The grace given me in it is that I am resilient and do move on quickly for the most part, and much of it is situational/environmental. Ease the situation, change the environment, and I'm balanced, and not at sixes and sevens anymore. I am very fluid that way. I go with the flow. Sometimes it is good. Sometimes it is not. Because others perhaps aren't used to dealing with it, and it lingers for them like echos, far longer than it does for me. Quandary, and I trouble it like mental worry beads.
So, because I don't have answers to other people's questions, all I can do is share my experience and observations thereof. Which is what I have done. If anyone is interested at all at looking into the gifted side of things, if it might give you some information that might help illuminate in light of any interest, because there is a similar dynamic insofar as the spectrum as well, I could direct you to some sources. If not, no worries whatsoever. I am all too aware that the gifted angle is a difficult one for many people to consider, for reasons varied and individual. Culture has not been kind to the different, even the appelation 'gifted' itself causes controversy in this homongenous era where an abundance of intellect is misattributed to mean having it easier than everyone else, having an advantage, or worse, thinking oneself better instead of different. We know that routine here. Oh, au contraire. But nobody sees (feels) the struggles, which is the dichotomy to being on the spectrum- where people often ONLY see the struggles. They see the stereotypes. *another sad face* They don't see what is sacrificed to be gifted, to think to the heights and feel to the depths, to think differently, which should actually be valued for its uniqueness. And the opposite goes for being on the spectrum, they don't see what we have to give, which should also be valued for its uniqueness. Nature giveth, and nature taketh away.
SImply searching 'gifted intensity' would likely bring up some worthwhile information. Or also, OE's, 'overexcitabilities'. There is also HSP- Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron has put some information out there that may or may not be useful and it doesn't only apply to gifteds.
*edit- and a little autobiographical element... before I came here, I was searching. For true peers, and information, answers, a place to be honest, but also more. I had become very small. It seemed that the only way I could walk amongst was to disconnect, become numb and suppress so much of myself. Dumb myself down, wall off the secret garden of my heart, practice survival skills. I learned how to shapeshift early on as a matter of survival, I wanted to know who and what I really am, and be that person. I had learned this response of dulling my edges throughout life. Seemed the only viable reaction left to me. Was judged a lot, chronically misunderstood, even in times thought to be 'crazy', extreme, or conversely, been target of jealousy and bullying or thought to be showing off when I had innocently and with jovial intent let a little of my real self out to play in moments when my guard dropped. And gifteds and aspies both have 'emperor wears no clothes' traits. No holds barred often-unbiased honesty. That doesn't go over well in most circles.
I wear existential crises like an old t-shirt that I just can't bear to throw in the bin, it's so comfortable. Even though it is faded and has little holes here and there, and fits a little tight these days. I have the most sincere, deepest regret if my... being me, in all my complexity, has caused any harm to anyone (this is a general plea). The adage goes, 'it's not you, it's me'. And this is really really true. It is me. My conscience does not rest easy when thinking about the implications that I see through different lenses. Especially since I have found what is precious to me here. I already know that I have hurt at least one person in my life just by being me, and for what it's worth, I'm really genuinely repentant if there are others. I try to be careful, but you know. Some people you just can't sell the narrative to. And when you feel yourself to be 2" tall in a world of giants, and the giants see you as towering over them, well, it's difficult to see eye to eye. But I really do see so much beauty, even when I stand in the shadows.
