Feeling awkward inside AND out...

[Maiasaura]

It occurred to me the other day kind of the source of why i don't make eye contact; i feel like my appearance is awkward. Now this isn't self deprecating or fishing for compliments! Once I figured that out, I started to ponder where that feeling comes from. No one ever told met that growing up or anything ie you are not a pretty girl. I just posted on another thread about not making eye contact with any males pretty much ever. I'm happily married so that ship has kind of sailed anyway although I will happily make eye contact with my husband. But you know walking around sometimes you see pretty people. Or someone opens a door for you or does a random act of kindness or whatever. I keep my head down or just look up for a second. So then I began to wonder since I have always felt about 2 steps out of sync on the inside if you multiply that by 41 years does it just bleed over so your brain interprets that you must be awkward on the outside as well? What are your thoughts on this? Is it just me?

 

[AsheSkyler]

Perhaps because with attractive people there is some kind of unspoken reputation of grace, dignity, and other such things? I feel awkward around them too. The better put together a person is both in the sense of nature's gifts and intentional acts then the more conspicuous I feel. Even total strangers have told me I'm attractive, which makes me stand out in its own way because now I know all those graceful things are expected of me too! I'm no lady. You'd sooner find me showing a big ol' toad to a bunch of little boys with twigs and leaves sticking out of my hair than find me acting anything close to regal or a graduate of one of those old fashioned finishing schools.

I often feel rather awkward and embarrassed when somebody does something nice for me because I feel like I've inconvenienced them. Even though in no way at all I have I requested or demanded they take time out of their day and spend that split second on me to hold open a door, I still feel like I've done something wrong to them. Oi vey!

 

[Maiasaura]

I guess on the plus side I hold these small kindnesses in my heart forever because I'm just so grateful, KWIM?

 

[garnetflower13]

I can relate to the OP. I always feel out of sync with others; for example, if I am shopping in a store and someone nods to me in a friendly way, I realize that in a split second, I have looked away and missed their nod, then when I try to nod back they have already moved on, etc. I was considered very pretty when younger, but I hated it because I felt that people expected me to behave a certain way! For years I was asexual, and a counselor that I was seeing expressed shock that someone like me did not date and have an active "love life." I basically told her that being attractive doesn't mean that I automatically have a constant desire to be in a relationship.

 

[gonz]

So then I began to wonder since I have always felt about 2 steps out of sync on the inside if you multiply that by 41 years does it just bleed over so your brain interprets that you must be awkward on the outside as well? What are your thoughts on this? Is it just me?

It's taken some serious thought over the last few years, reexamining past social failures in light of my diagnosis, to counter that belief.

I had gotten it into my head that physical attractiveness automatically translated to romantic success and it followed that, since I had very little of that romantic success, I must be unattractive. I wasn't taking into account the various complex social skills required to create and maintain interest. For a long while I barely realized those skills were a thing much less understood them. I assumed that if you were decent looking and treated people well, that was enough. And since I knew that I did treat people well, it was clear what was lacking (not that I could put that into words at the time, it took a lot of self reflection just to understand what I believed so that I could challenge those beliefs).

What's weird is that I couldn't have told you what exactly was wrong with my appearance, only that there was something.

But, once I started learning what my actual deficits were and looking back at all those past experiences, I realized that reality did not line up with my beliefs about myself or the way I thought that type of interaction worked. There was actually a ton of evidence that it wasn't the way I looked, but rather the fact that I reacted to them in ways they couldn't understand, that caused my problems with women. Specifically the fact that whenever I got up the courage to try, women usually responded well at first. They'd lose interest pretty quickly; a day or two, maybe a couple of weeks if she was really desperate (I'm 33 and have only had two relationships that lasted longer than a month). Someone said to me once that looks are how you catch someone's interest, personality is how you keep it, and that was exactly my problem; keeping them interested.

None of this is to say that I now think I'm particularly attractive but, after a lifetime of thinking of myself as ugly, realizing that I'm average feels pretty damn good.

 

[Maiasaura]

It's taken some serious thought over the last few years, reexamining past social failures in light of my diagnosis, to counter that belief.

I had gotten it into my head that physical attractiveness automatically translated to romantic success and it followed that, since I had very little of that romantic success, I must be unattractive. I wasn't taking into account the various complex social skills required to create and maintain interest. For a long while I barely realized those skills were a thing much less understood them. I assumed that if you were decent looking and treated people well, that was enough. And since I knew that I did treat people well, it was clear what was lacking (not that I could put that into words at the time, it took a lot of self reflection just to understand what I believed so that I could challenge those beliefs).

What's weird is that I couldn't have told you what exactly was wrong with my appearance, only that there was something.

But, once I started learning what my actual deficits were and looking back at all those past experiences, I realized that reality did not line up with my beliefs about myself or the way I thought that type of interaction worked. There was actually a ton of evidence that it wasn't the way I looked, but rather the fact that I reacted to them in ways they couldn't understand, that caused my problems with women. Specifically the fact that whenever I got up the courage to try, women usually responded well at first. They'd lose interest pretty quickly; a day or two, maybe a couple of weeks if she was really desperate (I'm 33 and have only had two relationships that lasted longer than a month). Someone said to me once that looks are how you catch someone's interest, personality is how you keep it, and that was exactly my problem; keeping them interested.

None of this is to say that I now think I'm particularly attractive but, after a lifetime of thinking of myself as ugly, realizing that I'm average feels pretty damn good.

Wow your post really resonates with me! I went on a handful of dates in high school. And I was either supremely uncomfortable or things fizzled out on the boy's end and I didn't really understand why. I always wanted to be friends with the "ex dates" I did have. That wasn't always what they wanted but at the time my thought process was well "we went on a date because we were friends to begin with. Why can't we just go back to that and forget this ever happened?" Now i can see that my behavior was probably pretty hard to interpret. This thread has been so helpful. I have a lot to think about now.
Honestly I've even considered working on a few of my anxieties from childhood like never being asked to dance at events (when it never happens your WHOLE young adult life the memory sticks with you!) Like maybe I'll sign up for a swing dance class or something. My husband doesn't like to dance but it seems like a safe venue to combine doing something fun with adults who aren't hung up on all that teenage stuff. Maybe make some new memories to go over my old painful ones

 

[Neramo]

Not just you. Got the same problem. Feel that many times i'm not sure were to look. In conversations i try to look at the nose, pretending to look them in the eyes. Looking people in the eyes if something i find very difficult, although i try it from time to time. I often tend to look away right before or atm i look them in the eye. And when i do look people in the eye, am not sure for how long i should continue too look, and i have problem understanding the point of looking people in the eye. I've read that by looking people in the eye, you can get a better reading of how their thinking, but I've never been able to keep eyecontact long enough for that.

 

[Suiseiseki]

Perhaps because with attractive people there is some kind of unspoken reputation of grace, dignity, and other such things? I feel awkward around them too. The better put together a person is both in the sense of nature's gifts and intentional acts then the more conspicuous I feel. Even total strangers have told me I'm attractive, which makes me stand out in its own way because now I know all those graceful things are expected of me too! I'm no lady. You'd sooner find me showing a big ol' toad to a bunch of little boys with twigs and leaves sticking out of my hair than find me acting anything close to regal or a graduate of one of those old fashioned finishing schools.

I often feel rather awkward and embarrassed when somebody does something nice for me because I feel like I've inconvenienced them. Even though in no way at all I have I requested or demanded they take time out of their day and spend that split second on me to hold open a door, I still feel like I've done something wrong to them. Oi vey!

People always use kindness against me later on, like they'll say "I did this and that for you" despite how I never ask for things and people do things without my asking.
So I often refuse help of any sort because people are just trying to secure future aid from me. Or guilt me.

 

[AsheSkyler]

People always use kindness against me later on, like they'll say "I did this and that for you" despite how I never ask for things and people do things without my asking.
So I often refuse help of any sort because people are just trying to secure future aid from me. Or guilt me.

That too, definitely that too! There is ALWAYS a string attached if it's a kindness from people you know.

 

[DarkLady]

I'm definitely awkward inside and out. I'm nerdy, bold, loud, obnoxious. I have fluffy purple hair with the black roots showing, nine earrings, bizarre multicolored or all-black clothes. I stim a lot, even in public, and repeat the same things over & over. I sort of just get stuck on my favorite topics and annoy people.

 

[Adora]

Awkward is my middle name,I forget to say hi sometimes and my husband had to remind me to do it sometimes before we enter a house but I have gotten better,I go silent to the point where people think that I'm upset,I'm clumsy and besides being quiet if you get me on a topic I will not shut up about it,also eye contact has been a big issue for me for as long as I can remember,about a few years ago I had a neighbor who said straight to me "can you please look at me in the eye when I'm talking " which made me feel even more awkward.

 

[garnetflower13]

I know what you mean! I have a hard time talking on the phone because I either talk over the other person (timing is off) or I talk too much and too long! I have also had people demand that I look them in the eye which always ends badly...

 

[On the Inside]

Socially very awkward. I am reasonably attractive and quite fit. Physically, I'm very coordinated; good balance, quick reflexes, good dexterity, comfortable with heights, I can even juggle and dance (not with a crowd). If it weren't for my physical abilities, I don't think I could hack this.

But I'm really getting down from the social awkwardness. There is almost no place I feel comfortable if there are other people around, very few people that I am comfortable with, and even with those, I'll often feel like I've said or behaved like a fool if I've talked too much. I really rather spend my time alone, yet I yearn for feeling close with others, having fun with others, feeling comfortable.

Nine out of ten conversations/chats I have with people leave me feeling like I am the biggest dope around.