Feeling a bit lonely

[Spotty01]

Normally, I don't mind being alone. Gives me more time for myself and, if I want to talk, I have my parents, our cats, or you guys to go to instead. But, every once in a while, these thoughts come crashing into me like a freight train and temporarily plunge me into this depressive state.

When I die in a hundred (hopefully) or so years, I sometimes wonder what will happen after that. Not to me, but to... me. I don't want kids, I don't know about getting married, and my parents will more than likely be long dead by that point. I'd presumably just be forgotten by the whole world and possibly not be found for years. It's a sad, scary thought.

To be a little more present-day centric, I never feel more alone than when I get really upset, often over a heated fight with my parents, and if I came here every time that happened, 98% of the threads here would be me complaining about my life problems. Don't worry, I'm sure I'm just kidding. Anyway, my parents are the only ones really "there" for me IRL. I have no-one else to talk to and, after the recent departure of my therapist, no-one else to go to.

Typically, that stirs up often daily quarrels. I have no friends to occasionally visit when I'm feeling down, no-one else to text or call. All of my "friends" from high school cut ties with me post-graduation.

Earlier today, I attended a meeting at a local ASD support group in hopes of remedying this problem. Instead, it's mainly aimed at folks on the lower-half of the Spectrum. Put your pitchforks away, it's not the members with LFA I have a problem with; they seem nice up front, while others are completely non-verbal (it's hard make a judgment like that with the latter). It's actually the people running the place I have my problems with.

They act like and treat all of the members, the youngests being 19 (me and one other girl), like they're young children and that demeanor gives everything a very... for lack of a better word, uncomfortable vibe. The whole time, I felt incredibly underwhelmed by what you get, despite the membership fee being $180/month, and I felt talked down to the entire time. I got a scholarship to pay for the membership fee for the next few months, but I'm beginning to feel like it isn't worth it anymore. I was eager to join before because I'd heard incredible things about it and expected it to be like AC, except in real life.

Instead, I find that I can barely relate to anything and even those who have demonstrated that they aren't non-verbal make no real effort to interact with others outside of the sessions. The advice we're given about social interaction is nice, but it's hard to really enjoy it when there's eight people sitting in close quarters in a small, narrow room.

This may be what set off this downcast mood all of a sudden. Don't get me wrong, you guys are great, but I feel so... alone IRL, and at this point, I have no idea where to start when it comes to remedying that problem. Right now, I'm working on filing a lawsuit, but this is still a side issue that I wanted to get out there.

Any advice and opinionated responses you guys have for me would be appreciated.

 

[Momo]

Do you have any hobbies? I find that I make most of my connections at clubs and so on, like at boxing or something, because you have a shared interest to talk about. You could try that.

 

[Alaska]

I have made acquaintances who turned into friends after meeting them, while pursuing hobbies, and education. I have also met some on buses and at bus stops.

I seemed to have made friends in some churches, but when I left a church, the friend usually left me. This has made me feel worse about churches and potential friends from them.

I met a couple in the grocery or department store, but both of those friendships turned out strange. I get a bit nervous about being friendly in those stores, since then.

I met a few people when I moved into a new building, or I said hi or welcome to someone else who had just moved in.

I am still working on adjustment to knowing how much contact with a new person will be interpreted as being clingy.

Perhaps NTs adjust clinginess through greetings and body language so they use that instead of frequent contact as Aspies and Auties are wont to do? I am not phrasing this very well, since it might be one of those light bulb over my head moments. Sorry about that. I need to do further processing of the idea.

 

[OlLiE]

have to agree with the above, try to find friends through shared interests, or find a situation to enjoy being alone, if i'm feeling alone i can enjoy sitting alone in a church with my headphones and listen to music, the aloneness puts me in a peaceful place.

 

[Alaska]

Social stuff is just harder for people on the Autism Spectrum. It is normal even for NTs to have attrition among their friends. It seems normal for us Spectrum types to have more friend losses than NTs.

That means if we want to still have a friend or two, we have to make some ongoing effort to make new friends. (That sounds as if we might have a workshop in the garage to build friends.)

It seems to also be normal for everyone to lose friends as we age, and for older people to have fewer friends, if any.

All of this adds up to the dreaded necessity for Auties and Aspies to make plans to alter our behavior in order to maintain an adequate roster of friends. I have had some awareness of this stuff, but I do want enough friends to be comfortable and happy. This clearly means I need to exert some effort to get and keep them. I have not done this well enough lately. I will have to do better.

 

[Suzanne]

I have been watching a some programs entitled: extreme parenting guidelines and it was apparent to me before and now, just confirmation, that the issue always lies with the parents and is the case with yourself. Despite you not being a child still, you have needs and your parents are not meeting those needs. They should be talking with you and encouraging outside activies with you. And why you are so lonely, because the very people who should know you the most, know you the least and yet, you have to rely on them the most.

I have suffered extruiating lonliness since the end of last year. I think because of how bad it has, it has translated itself to my husband, to the extent that he shocked me, when he revealed that he had spoken to a CLIENT about me and her suggestion was me joining a club etc and my husband thought: of course, right opposite where we live, there is a place where people meet! I had to remind him that I barely have courage to walk 2 minutes away, to our chemist, so how the heck am I honestly going to be able to go across the road and meet strangers and try and interact? He had the grace to realise it was a bit adventageous of him. However, it is in my husband's power to help me with my lonliness; We could go for walks together, but he always finds excuses ( he works so hard and creates even more work, back home).

When one is not completely alone at home and yet suffers, the buck has to be passed to the ones who can make a difference.

Your parents, if they are not aready, should educate themselves on what is going on with you and so, learn to how to communicate with you.

Part of this program, had a family, with a boy suffering HDHD and the parents just could not control the situation, so they where taught how to understand the boy; rather than getting to boy to understand the parents. So, from screaming and being rude; he got to, being gentle and kind and that is because the parents turned around and started to understand him.

The lady who helps families, is Jo Frost. Why not see if you can contact her and perhaps, just perhaps you could get some help?

My help is my faith. Knowing what I know the future holds for mankind who want it, helps me not cave in.

 

[Inator]

I had a long talk with my NT uncle one day; it could be wrong or right, perhaps "balanced", but we are the judges. For some reason he felt open-minded enough one day, I asked for lots of "NT secrets", and I got the weirdest responses for my weirdest questions:
True fact, no matter who you are, nor how your relationships are, most friends do 'rotate', just that the intimal ones are comparatively less likely to. Even yet, because they are friends, you are always entitled to ask for their phone number, and/or find a way to keep in contact. If they have phone but don't want to give the number or something for an undisclosed reason, there's two alternatives:
- You're not "too friend" for your friend enough yet
- The friend doesn't care, which could be either a good or bad signal, depending the attitude, "memory quality", etc. It's mentally impossible to contact everyone everyday, nor it is possible to think on everyone without forgetting a single person, etc.
According to my uncle, it's not necessary at all: "You just keep building your 'friendship network'. If you done any favors to your connected friends, you have the right to ask for their help when felt necessary".


These have been my uncle's thoughts. But from my side, I -think- there's an alternative: Think in what your goals are, find an on-topic support forum, register, and ask what you'd need or share your knowledge. Eventually someone will like your work, or you'll like someone else's work, and it's easy to begin something interesting through PMs. After all, although far away, they are all still true people to share thoughts with, and I find that by doing so, it do relieve the mind. My behavior did improve a lot suddently.
I even met my first girlfriend in the internet, and we eventually organized a meet-up. It was a great moment!, until we had to come back to our homes.
A minimum of mutual courtesy and self-respect would still be necessary, especially because text chat naturally 'feels' more literal than real-life talk for most people, NTs included. We broke for pure stupidity time later =(