Family Gatherings

[Effy]

There was a family gathering today. They're all always the same for me, no matter the size: small talk, work talk, future talk - you know, the usual boring, pointless talk that has absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

There was also church, but I didn't go to church - I get judged every single time I go, no matter what I do, and dressing up + myself does not equate to me being a happy camper at all. I also dislike doing things just to please people; it's more draining than other social activities, and it makes me cranky.

There's also the random laughter, where they say things like they're trying to be funny, feel the need to take pictures of the entire family to later tag everyone on Facebook, and they gossip about everyone, which is usually quite negative and horrible.

Then we have myself, who just sits there and plays with her phone and looks forward to it ending - even to the point of counting down how much time's left. Eventually, I just go to my room (because I live with my grandmother, and her house is 'where the party's at') and fall asleep, only to wake up when it's finally all over.

And they don't understand - they think I'm being rude (maybe I am) - but since there's no compromise (because they fail to acknowledge my diagnosis is a REAL thing), I have to figure out how to manage all on my own. Even when "we" do work out a "compromise", it's all one-sided, and I'm always the one having to work the hardest to be "normal".

For every one hour of social time, I need at least one hour of downtime, which typically goes better if I sleep - and really, two hours is more reasonable and puts me in a better mood in the end.

It's so aggravating. They feel the need to meet monthly, to stay 'connected', yet we all have Facebook accounts, and they talk on the phone daily... What's even the point?

What about you? Do you like these, or do you avoid them, etc.?

 

[Flinty]

I've never felt welcome at my family's gatherings. This is because there's a significant age difference between my brothers/cousins and me, so there really isn't that much to talk about.

This is why I've never elected to go to one.

 

[Atay]

That sounds awful, sorry. I would recommend considering drawing a firm boundary of what you are willing to do (e.g. "I take an hour break after every hour of interaction"). State this in a calm, polite way with as few words as possible. When asked why, just state something very short like "because of Aspergers." Then repeat the simple boundary and simple reason as much as necessary. If they try to guilt you or twist your meaning, just keep restating you boundary and reason, as necessary. Usually, people get really upset at first. However, if you just keep to the short, repeatable statements they generally give up and get over it. Eventually, everyone just gets used to the way it is. However, if they see any room for negotiation, they'll work it and try to force you to conform to their preferences.

I use this strategy with plethora of inappropriate and boundary-pushing family members, and it's made life MUCH easier. In fact, it's actually improved my relationships with each one. In the moment, I try to remind myself "stay on message; stay on message" to keep from falling into their little traps.

Hope that helps!

 

[Effy]

That sounds awful, sorry. I would recommend considering drawing a firm boundary of what you are willing to do (e.g. "I take an hour break after every hour of interaction"). State this in a calm, polite way with as few words as possible. When asked why, just state something very short like "because of Aspergers." Then repeat the simple boundary and simple reason as much as necessary. If they try to guilt you or twist your meaning, just keep restating you boundary and reason, as necessary. Usually, people get really upset at first. However, if you just keep to the short, repeatable statements they generally give up and get over it. Eventually, everyone just gets used to the way it is. However, if they see any room for negotiation, they'll work it and try to force you to conform to their preferences.

I use this strategy with plethora of inappropriate and boundary-pushing family members, and it's made life MUCH easier. In fact, it's actually improved my relationships with each one. In the moment, I try to remind myself "stay on message; stay on message" to keep from falling into their little traps.

Hope that helps!

Usually when I say, "...because of Asperger's," I'm told I'm just using it for excuses and "letting it run [my] life". Or, they just don't understand. They don't believe I have it because it's how I've "always been", so I don't even know how to convince them of that.

It's like with Tourette's - I have that, and I'm just told to "pray to God for him to take it away", as if it's bothering me personally that I have it (which totally isn't the case). :/ Blah.

 

[Cerulean]

My family gatherings sound a LOT like yours. A couple years ago after my ex-husband outed me as an aspie to my family, they started including something I like as well as all the pointless chatter. I can't understand how they can just sit there and squawk at each other for hours on end, but several of us enjoy the occasional jigsaw puzzle (and I can get absorbed in them for hours), so we started having a 1000 piece at each Thanksgiving and Christmas, at the very least. Now whenever I have to be there for some inane reason I can always pop into the next room and work on it alone, or if people want to chat with me they can join me in there and I'll happily ramble on as long as my brain and fingers have something to do.

Usually when I say, "...because of Asperger's," I'm told I'm just using it for excuses and "letting it run [my] life". Or, they just don't understand. They don't believe I have it because it's how I've "always been", so I don't even know how to convince them of that.

I got a little of this backlash too. I'm an only child, and was a smart girl so a lot of my oddities were overlooked and I had no siblings to be compared to. Plus my dad has many AS traits. Now that I'm an adult it has caught up with me, but they don't remember how much I struggled with so many things, so to them it didn't exist.

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

I don't mind gatherings because there's often loads of good food.
To me, so long as there's food, I'm happy with it.
Even then, I think most of my family knows how I am with social situations.

 

[Flower44590]

I have not been to a large family function in years. I almost always take a book with me. If I don't have a book I usually to play on a swing or sit in the grass and pick the grass or climb trees. I enjoy seeing everyone and watching everyone else talk but my family isn't particularly interested in things I am passionate about. My mind is usually on work (I'm a nurse- my job is gross) or social issues. These topics are boring to most.

 

[Effy]

My family gatherings sound a LOT like yours. A couple years ago after my ex-husband outed me as an aspie to my family, they started including something I like as well as all the pointless chatter. I can't understand how they can just sit there and squawk at each other for hours on end, but several of us enjoy the occasional jigsaw puzzle (and I can get absorbed in them for hours), so we started having a 1000 piece at each Thanksgiving and Christmas, at the very least. Now whenever I have to be there for some inane reason I can always pop into the next room and work on it alone, or if people want to chat with me they can join me in there and I'll happily ramble on as long as my brain and fingers have something to do.



I got a little of this backlash too. I'm an only child, and was a smart girl so a lot of my oddities were overlooked and I had no siblings to be compared to. Plus my dad has many AS traits. Now that I'm an adult it has caught up with me, but they don't remember how much I struggled with so many things, so to them it didn't exist.

I tried with the puzzles, but I lose interest (I prefer building websites instead). My dad has a lot of AS traits, too, and I keep thinking my little brother has it, but because they refuse to believe it exists, there's nothing that can be done to get him help. :/ I'm hoping someone (e.g. his speech therapist, perhaps?) will bring it up and that they'll consider it. Even my dad's mom has a lot of AS qualities (as well as many others on his side of the family), but they think it's "all in your head" and blah. It's this never-ending thing - but even though they have the traits of it, they're so conservatively focused on this one particular way of living that it still makes me seem and feel like an outsider.

Our gatherings are usually inside, and I can't really spend much time outside because of allergies. I'll get really sick. :x

 

[Cerulean]

I tried with the puzzles, but I lose interest (I prefer building websites instead). My dad has a lot of AS traits, too, and I keep thinking my little brother has it, but because they refuse to believe it exists, there's nothing that can be done to get him help. :/ I'm hoping someone (e.g. his speech therapist, perhaps?) will bring it up and that they'll consider it. Even my dad's mom has a lot of AS qualities (as well as many others on his side of the family), but they think it's "all in your head" and blah. It's this never-ending thing - but even though they have the traits of it, they're so conservatively focused on this one particular way of living that it still makes me seem and feel like an outsider.

Not believing it exists is a hard hurdle to overcome. I still haven't mentioned it to my dad because I know he'll just blow it off or get mad at me for even suggesting it. He's in his 60s and has made a good life, at this point labeling it probably won't help him a whole lot so I don't bring it up. It is sad about your little brother though, I hope that if he needs some extra assistance that he is able to get it.

 

[Atay]

Well, if they're that out of touch, I would focus on exploring the specifics of exactly what they're doing that is inappropriate, why their behavior is inappropriate, and what it says about them that has essentially nothing to do with you (albeit you are personally affected). This has to do with their own issues - be fear of being out of control, weird, or who knows what else. Truly, this can't be about you because it is unhealthy and inappropriate. Any healthy, normal parent would listen to their child. I know, I'm a mother. The only time a parent doesn't listen is because they are too self-absorbed in meeting their own needs.

Hopefully, if you can get in-touch with how inappropriate they are you will be less affected by them. Sorry that you're going through this.

 

[Ericho]

None of my central family members even live in the same state. We do get together and that's so rare, it's hard to not cherish the time we have with them.

 

[The Penguin]

I was going to write a post like this but what you write is 100% what I feel with family. Years ago I decided to not go to family gathering anymore. There was a point I cut family out to 100% until something happen to a family member. After that event, I decided to stay in touch with a few family members treats me decently by phone or email every few months. But in general, I have no involvement with family. Though I'm not suggesting someone to follow what I"m doing at less if they can accept the consequences

 

[karla]

When there is a family gathering I´m always very quiet because I just don´t know what to say. My mind is thinking of other things, and if I can share them, I sometimes do, but in general I feel that they are getting bored or anxious to coninue talking with everyone. I´m usually not intrested in the conversation. Besides, it´s difficult for me to keep a conversation when there´s a lot of people, I just can´t. But I do enjoy going out with just my parents, but even on those situations they usually tell me that I´m quiet.

 

[Stacey]

Everytime I have a 'family gathering' I end up back on medication! LOL
The few years I was off meds I was over 50 miles away...6 months back in my home town and my bloodstream could probably glow in the dark!

 

[Harrison]

Thankfully, at my age the only family gathering I have is if I visit the graveyard!

I always avoided family gatherings, I would escape from the house and head for the woods.

 

[grapesicles]

Sorry to hear that - your family sound less than pleasant!

My British family usually has a post-Christmas gathering but I don't go anymore. I usually say I feel ill and go sit in the car and read / play DS games. All of them are significantly older than me and quite condescending, so it's never fun. My 21-year-old American cousin with ADHD ended up at one last year and we made up a codeword for when we were both bored of everyone else so we could go and get away from them.

 

[Effy]

Thanks for all the replies. I ended up going MIA. I'm not the best with forums, or any means of communications, when it comes to needing consistent contact. I continue to try to deal with these things, though they're still annoying. Blah. I'm glad others could relate

 

[Randomperson]

at last count I had 147 first cousins, 16 blood aunts and uncles, 3 siblings, ect, Out of these nearly 200 people that anyone would consider family, I only ever remotely tolerated let alone potentially enjoyed the company of less then 10. And its not likely the 10 you would think, one was my grandfather who passed away when I was 10, and the rest were my Aunt who lived more then 8 hours away and her husband and their 3 kids that were cousins. But she passed away 2 years after grandpa did and I only rarely saw the others every few years. The rest of the bunch all clearly and regularly expressed their disdain and raw hatred for me on a regular and meticulous basis. And I was never particularly fond of them either.