Fallen for a woman with Aspergers.

[Ktm93]

I concur about giving her space to decompress. Even being there for her to process things and having a pressure free conversation will help solidify things.

Things were similar with me meeting my spouse. I was still very shy when I contacted her about possibly car pooling to a Sierra Club trip. We spent months talking to prepare and I started falling for her. This was ages before smartphones, so, I did not know what to expect when we first met, and because of our conversations it went better than circumstances would have predicted. But still, that meeting and the trip that followed was critical to our relationship. We lived about 300 miles apart and after a couple of long distance visits we discussed living together and my move to Chicago since I was desirous to live in a more cosmopolitan city with better job prospects.

But things unfolded at a deliberate pace. Certainly I felt overwhelmed at times and sometimes there was friction, but we both decided to make the relationship work. In her response to the snafu, it seems she has already decided that. The best thing is for you to demonstrate to her that you maintain an interest in communicating at her pace. At some point, though, you will need to meet to really assess if you are compatible. Find out when she will have fewer stresses commanding her attention. I don't think that as you discuss that, talk of meeting at such a time would be too pushy. You are the one that has to advocate for your happiness and discussing any future with her is part of that. Just hear her to determine the time when she may be open to that.

Thanks for the detailed reply. Right now im at a stage where we dont talk very much. Shes busy and since our small tiff she does seem to have taken a step back from me. Thats how it seems anyway but she may just be busy. I do miss her a lot right now though. I think thats whats hardest.

I will keep that interest in communicating at her pace. Even if its hard and honestly at times, kind of painful. I dont want to give up on that potential.

Im sure we will meet at some point, as long as we start talking again like we used to. Right now isnt the right time. Had things stayed the same i was going to suggest in the new year or her next break from uni around easter. But that seems far off now considering where we are currently

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thanks for the detailed reply. Right now im at a stage where we dont talk very much. Shes busy and since our small tiff she does seem to have taken a step back from me. Thats how it seems anyway but she may just be busy. I do miss her a lot right now though. I think thats whats hardest.

I will keep that interest in communicating at her pace. Even if its hard and honestly at times, kind of painful. I dont want to give up on that potential.

Im sure we will meet at some point, as long as we start talking again like we used to. Right now isnt the right time. Had things stayed the same i was going to suggest in the new year or her next break from uni around easter. But that seems far off now considering where we are currently

I wish you all the best. I think relationships, even at such an early stage, are frought, even for NTs. Remember, one of the best ways to value her is to always value yourself. Many here have navigated good relationships, so keep that in mind as your crush, as ND, is also navigating through her life trying to do the best she can. Never be afraid of letting her know that you appreciate her.

 

[Tom]

Not a bad bone in her body.

I've always wanted to use this horrible pun. Thankyou!

 

[Ktm93]

I wish you all the best. I think relationships, even at such an early stage, are frought, even for NTs. Remember, one of the best ways to value her is to always value yourself. Many here have navigated good relationships, so keep that in mind as your crush, as ND, is also navigating through her life trying to do the best she can. Never be afraid of letting her know that you appreciate her.

Im not used to seeing such kindness so its really nice to see people wishing me well. Im not sure what NT and ND means though lol. Sorry

I usually have been afraid of showinf feelings if im honest. I tend to be quite cold but she does bring it out of me. Its just always a worry that if i show something, they may take it the wrong way and shut down or ignore. I guess i do need to improve that side of things.

 

[Ktm93]

View attachment 71937

I've always wanted to use this horrible pun. Thankyou!

Im glad to be of service.

It did make me chuckle lol.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Gerald Wilgus

Very wise post from someone who had little experience at one point.

The big white elephant in the room is the word *commitment* . It's frightening for men to commit. It's like a woman came along and imprisoned you and you suddenly loose out on farting, or puting your shirt on inside out, or the incredible female who suddenly walks up to you on a clear blue day and throws herself on you. Men have these deep complicated needs and commitment totally trashes this and fries their caljones.

My former spouse was accusing of holding him back then he realised it wasn't true. I didn't check his phone, l wasn't in his business and he wore what ever he wanted.

Are you talking about adult men or Man-Children? I think it is the latter. Selfish users who only know how to take. I see them frequently and contonue to wonder how they attract women -they seem so transparent to me. My neice fell for a real piece of white trash who a year into their marriage (precipitated by her pregnancy and pushed by her mother) let on that he fathered children with two other women. He also was abusive. She is free of that now, but I hate to think what her self-concept is like.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Im not used to seeing such kindness so its really nice to see people wishing me well. Im not sure what NT and ND means though lol. Sorry

I usually have been afraid of showinf feelings if im honest. I tend to be quite cold but she does bring it out of me. Its just always a worry that if i show something, they may take it the wrong way and shut down or ignore. I guess i do need to improve that side of things.

ND is neurodiverse. Those of us on the spectrum or with other modes of thinking. NT are the neurotypical, those are the bulk of society, and except for their intuitive social intelligence, I do not envy their way of thinking.

I too went through loneliness where I shut down my feelings, but acceptance by my spouse at a time I was starting to like myself gave me permission to feel again. There is nothing as special as an intimate relationship where you allow that other person to share your emotions. Honestly, I would probably find sex without that emotional sharing to be boring and mechanical, but that's me.

But, about your worry that she may shut down if you are clear about your feelings. You have no control over that. But, what you have control over is your acting in a respectful way that gives her time to process things. Like many with ASD, when there are too many things to process at once I shut down. Did that yesterday while trying to drive, following directions to an out of the way address, and a phone call comes in and the link to my hearing aids was messing up. So, hear her to see if she is giving hints about her inner state, then when you think she can process an emotional discourse, then share with her and give her time to process it.

Regardless, acceptance is a very big thing for us ND and probably for her too.

 

[Suzette]

Im not used to seeing such kindness so its really nice to see people wishing me well. Im not sure what NT and ND means though lol. Sorry

I usually have been afraid of showinf feelings if im honest. I tend to be quite cold but she does bring it out of me. Its just always a worry that if i show something, they may take it the wrong way and shut down or ignore. I guess i do need to improve that side of things.

Have you considered that you also might be on the spectrum?

PTSD and CPTSD symptoms can often mimic many a.s.d. traits, which I assume you have some degree of ptsd based on you comments about an abusive relationship and trust. But ptsd symptoms can also serve to hide a.s.d traits. Just a thought.

 

[Ktm93]

ND is neurodiverse. Those of us on the spectrum or with other modes of thinking. NT are the neurotypical, those are the bulk of society, and except for their intuitive social intelligence, I do not envy their way of thinking.

I too went through loneliness where I shut down my feelings, but acceptance by my spouse at a time I was starting to like myself gave me permission to feel again. There is nothing as special as an intimate relationship where you allow that other person to share your emotions. Honestly, I would probably find sex without that emotional sharing to be boring and mechanical, but that's me.

But, about your worry that she may shut down if you are clear about your feelings. You have no control over that. But, what you have control over is your acting in a respectful way that gives her time to process things. Like many with ASD, when there are too many things to process at once I shut down. Did that yesterday while trying to drive, following directions to an out of the way address, and a phone call comes in and the link to my hearing aids was messing up. So, hear her to see if she is giving hints about her inner state, then when you think she can process an emotional discourse, then share with her and give her time to process it.

Regardless, acceptance is a very big thing for us ND and probably for her too.

Ah okay, thanks for clearing that up.

I dont look for sex. Ive been there and done that. What i've never had is someone actually care about me, but likewise, i've never cared for the girlfriends ive had because i settled for them. Even the abusive one i settled for. Settling is bad and i refuse to do it again, even if that means i remain single for the rest of my life.

May sound weird me being a guy, but i just dont want sex outside of a relationship anymore. I said something once which i stand by. I dont want to sleep with someone, i want to wake up next to them. Probably sounds stupid lol.

Ill try and follow your advice about giving her time to process. Im doing that now in a way. Im not pestering her for a reply, she sometimes takes hours to respond which is hard but i know i just have to give her this space. I just wish id never acted so stupidly 2 weeks ago. Cant turn the clock back and i cant change my mental health either (which did play a factor in it but i hate using it as an excuse, id rather just put it down to me being a twit)

Still, thanks for the advice. I really feel listened to here.

 

[Ktm93]

Have you considered that you also might be on the spectrum?

PTSD and CPTSD symptoms can often mimic many a.s.d. traits, which I assume you have some degree of ptsd based on you comments about an abusive relationship and trust. But ptsd symptoms can also serve to hide a.s.d traits. Just a thought.

Yes i have. I had an evaluation for aspergers but they decided i had some traits but ultimately was not autistic. But i share a lot of symptoms and i know that.

It has been suggested i get reevaluated but i dont know. During the evaluation i was given 5 cards and told to create a story from those cards. I did it with relative ease and in the session after it was explained that because i had no issue making up a story with these 5 cards and it was quite inventive, that i did not meet the criteria for Aspergers.

PTSD is something ive always worried about having.

 

[Suzette]

Yes i have. I had an evaluation for aspergers but they decided i had some traits but ultimately was not autistic. But i share a lot of symptoms and i know that.

It has been suggested i get reevaluated but i dont know. During the evaluation i was given 5 cards and told to create a story from those cards. I did it with relative ease and in the session after it was explained that because i had no issue making up a story with these 5 cards and it was quite inventive, that i did not meet the criteria for Aspergers.

PTSD is something ive always worried about having.

Thats utter poppycock. Even a.s.d. kids with little interest in stories can string 5 cards into one if asked.

 

[Ktm93]

Thats utter poppycock. Even a.s.d. kids with little interest in stories can string 5 cards into one if asked.

The girl i like can aswell, shes very smart. The mental health system in the UK is a pure and utter joke though. It took 13 years for me to be diagnosed with what i have even though i had all the symptoms back when i was 12 and 13

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Ah okay, thanks for clearing that up.

I dont look for sex. Ive been there and done that. What i've never had is someone actually care about me, but likewise, i've never cared for the girlfriends ive had because i settled for them. Even the abusive one i settled for. Settling is bad and i refuse to do it again, even if that means i remain single for the rest of my life.

May sound weird me being a guy, but i just dont want sex outside of a relationship anymore. I said something once which i stand by. I dont want to sleep with someone, i want to wake up next to them. Probably sounds stupid lol.

Ill try and follow your advice about giving her time to process. Im doing that now in a way. Im not pestering her for a reply, she sometimes takes hours to respond which is hard but i know i just have to give her this space. I just wish id never acted so stupidly 2 weeks ago. Cant turn the clock back and i cant change my mental health either (which did play a factor in it but i hate using it as an excuse, id rather just put it down to me being a twit)

Still, thanks for the advice. I really feel listened to here.

You are on your way to be a valuable companion, sir.

 

[Jordy]

Do you realize how romantic this sounds? I melted when I read this. In fact, I had to jump back online just to comment on it.

I am going to triple dog dare you to copy/paste your original post on this thread into MS Word or something, and then reword it so that it's a message directly to her, rather than a query for help.

Romantic or naive over idealization? His first part where he didn't like her that much at all but then switched to everything is wonderful almost sounds like a coping mechanism.

You will find out eventually if you truly like her that much or talking to her fills you with dreadful emptiness (this happened to me)

I was talking to a girl online for a couple months and was very much convinced i really liked her, until a switch flicked and it was like didn't care if she lived or died. I tried to like her again but it didn't work. But that might have just been a me thing caused by autism who knows.

 

[Ktm93]

You are on your way to be a valuable companion, sir.

Thank you, thats nice to hear. I just need that special someone to actually give me that chance though. Thats the hardest part for me it seems.

 

[Ktm93]

Romantic or naive over idealization? His first part where he didn't like her that much at all but then switched to everything is wonderful almost sounds like a coping mechanism.

You will find out eventually if you truly like her that much or talking to her fills you with dreadful emptiness (this happened to me)

I was talking to a girl online for a couple months and was very much convinced i really liked her, until a switch flicked and it was like didn't care if she lived or died. I tried to like her again but it didn't work. But that might have just been a me thing caused by autism who knows.

While i understand what you're saying, as i have experienced that with friends who preferred the chase rather than the catch, thats just not me.

Its most certainly not a coping mechanism. And it didnt suddenly switch. It switched over time, and us spending that time together.

When i first met her, i met a lot of other girls too. None have stood out like her. And in this past month i've met another who seems very interested in me. My male friends think im nuts for not going for her instead of the woman i do like. Shes extremely pretty, and if im honest, usualy would be my type. But i just dont have anything with her, despite spending more time with her lately than the one i like. One male friend said i must be blind to not consider her while wanting who i actually want. But thats what the heart does. Im happy i finally found someone who i do not base my attraction solely on looks.

I dont know if i sound romantic or not, that wasn't and isnt my intention. Im just simply stating facts and how i feel. Im happy people see it that way because its very sweet to hear and fills me with some hope that who i want may actually see that aswell. But in no way shape or form will i suddenly stop caring for her, even if one day i do stop having feelings for her, that care will always remain unless she does something abusive or extremely hurtful.

Im not you. Im me. im sorry things didnt work out for you in the past. I hope you do or have found happiness.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I understand what you are saying. While it is uncommon to appreciate her personality first, that happened to me when I first met my spouse. As I said before I was terribly shy and only started dating at 27. Our talks and trip planning I expected to go nowhere, but slowly enjoyed her personality. I can understand your view and think that being friends first is a good basis for the long term. I hope she sees that. Susan and I have been together 43 years, and even yesterday we had a date out to dinner and to see the movie The Electrical Life of Louis Wain. I still love her.

 

[Ktm93]

I understand what you are saying. While it is uncommon to appreciate her personality first, that happened to me when I first met my spouse. As I said before I was terribly shy and only started dating at 27. Our talks and trip planning I expected to go nowhere, but slowly enjoyed her personality. I can understand your view and think that being friends first is a good basis for the long term. I hope she sees that. Susan and I have been together 43 years, and even yesterday we had a date out to dinner and to see the movie The Electrical Life of Louis Wain. I still love her.

For so long i've convinced myself im better off alone and i can do it on my own. But i know deep down i want exactly what you have. I hope she sees that too. She really is precious. Im happy for you though, 43 years and still doing dates! Thats amazing. My role model for this is my parents who waited until i was 18 and then immediately broke up and started sleeping with other people. So i always had this idea since then that love was a load of rubbish. Hearing someone contradict that is warming.