Fallen for a woman with Aspergers.

[Ktm93]

Hello there, i hope everyones having a good day.

I dont know how to start with this so ill just dive right in. As the title says, i've started to have major feelings for a friend of mine. She has aspergers so i thought id come here for some advice as i have also had a lot of autism evaluations (one for aspergers itself) but i was diagnosed with another mental health issue.

We met around 4 months ago online. We got talking but i didnt really like her that much. She seemed nice but i wasnt attracted to her really. But as the time went on and we got talking more and more, especially over the phone, i pretty much discovered this amazing woman. She makes me smile, she makes me laugh, i make her smile and laugh. I support her as much as i can while just being a friend. She brightens up every aspect of the day, especially when in a call.

In the past few weeks i finally admitted to myself i like her. I stopped the male ego crap of thinking she wasnt my type and im not looking for a girlfriend because i literally do not care what she looks like now. She has told me many things that if most others would talk to me about, i would be totally put off by, and i was when she told me at first, but i just dont care anymore. I cant see anything but this amazingly beautiful person i was so lucky to meet. To me, theres no one more beautiful inside or out now, Which is kind of scary for me as my usual type is good looking, blonde girls in great shape. Its scary that i seem to have found someone i care for past lust or physical attraction.I know i wouldnt admit this to her through fear of overwhelming her though.

An issue arose a few weeks back when i got too over protective, misread some things through text and i overwhelmed her. I apologised after giving her some space and she has since said it's fine and sorted, however it doesnt feel the same since. We used to text all day everyday and now its more here and there. I know shes been busy, and i have too, i just miss it so much. It does feel like shes shut down on me. She always asks how im doing and asks how my day has been, what i have planned, what i've done or been doing which according to a friend who also has aspergers is a very good sign shes still interested as many with aspergers will close off completely. Maybe im just panicking because we've both been busy lately, me with work and her with her new friends. I just cant tell because its been 8 years since i felt this way about someone.

We were getting on great i thought. I didnt want to tell her how i felt through fear of our friendship being ruined. She has also stated before she wasnt interested in a relationship because of uni. So i dont really want to tell her, add pressure to her or potentially push her away even further. I just dont know where to go now. My friend says just have patience and what we had before will come back slowly as after i overwhelmed her and said something stupid shes just regaining her trust in me again. I just dont know. Because i dont feel this way for people very often (literally twice in 10 years and my first didnt lead to a relationship) i just feel so lost.

She is truly the most magical person you could ever meet. Not a bad bone in her body. She hates being mean or rude to anyone though she has been slightly manipulative with me but i was also being a jerk that day. She did apologise after for it.

I dont know where to go from here and i think i just need some guidance. In my teens i was so confident, so brash, so arrogant, i had girls liking me a lot but since i was in an abusive relationship amongst other things, i have no idea how to do this anymore. My timing is usually so poor. This for once felt like i was getting it right and to see us hit a brick wall is hard. She doesnt act that bothered by it, i dont know if she is. I just miss what we had so much. To go from texting almost all day everyday about everything. Her trying to carry conversations on even when they we're basically dead which i found so amazingly cute. Popping up just to say hello with no real conversation. Im welling up just remembering this which was only 2-3 weeks ago.

Any advice on where to go from here would be grand. I feel so lost and miss the way we used to talk or text each other.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Carry on talking to her, getting to know her etc. If you want to tell her, then that's up to you. You could tell her but also say you understand she's at uni and doesn't want to date at the moment. Also to emphasise that you don't want it to spoil the friendship etc.

Talking from experience though - things you said such as not being attracted to her - was this in terms of how she looks? I've dated people based solely off personality before and if the attraction isn't a spark, it can eventually grate on you. Especially years later when the honeymoon period is well and truly gone and you're dating someone and thinking to yourself - I'm not attracted to this person.

Same goes for saying she doesn't have a bad bone in her body. I think most on the spectrum mask a lot - to keep the peace, and seem "normal". But many can also have issues with emotional regulation and suffer burn out etc. The lack of constant conversation as it used to be might indicate stressors in her life which are causing this. But I also think that sometimes we can suffer from emotional extremes which we either mask and grit our teeth and get on with it - or they might erupt to the surface etc.

Best thing to be from the start is honest, both with yourself and with her. I think when you first like someone it's almost like living with blinkers on. You're attracted to them, and as such you put them on a pedestal. I found it's beneficial to speak for a prolonged period and you start to see the real person. In some instances I think when people like each other, or when they're dating it's like we're showing the "display model". But as time goes on you'll see other aspects of people's personality.

Another question is distance - are you close by or is this a long distance relationship? Long term you have to realise one person is going to have to up and move to the other person. I've tried long distance before and also been in mentally abusive relationships. Both are very tough at times.

At the end of the day you have to go with your gut. Listen to what your intuition is telling you. Usually that is a good indicator of what to do in life.

Ed

 

[Aspychata]

I have feelings for one on the spectrum also. They occupy my brainwaves like a jingle that won't leave my mind. I get wrapped up thinking about their smile, their voice, their being.

It's hard, but relationships are a two way street. We have to abide by the other one's wishes. If they are taking a timeout, you just need to roll with it. You may or may not get back together. I often think we often don't realise what we had until we walk away from it then it can come back and bite us.

Try to stay in touch but don't be overbearing.

Good luck.☺

 

[Ktm93]

Carry on talking to her, getting to know her etc. If you want to tell her, then that's up to you. You could tell her but also say you understand she's at uni and doesn't want to date at the moment. Also to emphasise that you don't want it to spoil the friendship etc.

Talking from experience though - things you said such as not being attracted to her - was this in terms of how she looks? I've dated people based solely off personality before and if the attraction isn't a spark, it can eventually grate on you. Especially years later when the honeymoon period is well and truly gone and you're dating someone and thinking to yourself - I'm not attracted to this person.

Same goes for saying she doesn't have a bad bone in her body. I think most on the spectrum mask a lot - to keep the peace, and seem "normal". But many can also have issues with emotional regulation and suffer burn out etc. The lack of constant conversation as it used to be might indicate stressors in her life which are causing this. But I also think that sometimes we can suffer from emotional extremes which we either mask and grit our teeth and get on with it - or they might erupt to the surface etc.

Best thing to be from the start is honest, both with yourself and with her. I think when you first like someone it's almost like living with blinkers on. You're attracted to them, and as such you put them on a pedestal. I found it's beneficial to speak for a prolonged period and you start to see the real person. In some instances I think when people like each other, or when they're dating it's like we're showing the "display model". But as time goes on you'll see other aspects of people's personality.

Another question is distance - are you close by or is this a long distance relationship? Long term you have to realise one person is going to have to up and move to the other person. I've tried long distance before and also been in mentally abusive relationships. Both are very tough at times.

At the end of the day you have to go with your gut. Listen to what your intuition is telling you. Usually that is a good indicator of what to do in life.

Ed

Thank you for the reply. I was not attracted to her at first, but now i am. I am very attracted to her looks now and i think thats because of her personality. It was like, at first i saw her, she was ok but just not my type and as time went on and i enjoyed being with her, the next time she sent a picture, no make up, just smiling, my heart melted and i thought she was absolutly beautiful. I think around that time i had started to like her a bit but the feelings i have no wern't there. The attraction is there for definite now. Both in looks and personality. I dont know how she feels or felt about me though obviously.

I know the lack of communication is down to uni and our small tiff. I know she suffers with burnout for definite. She even admitted she was overwhelmed mentally on the weekend because of her social life and she was extremely tired. Im happy she has friends irl now but i do worry she is burning herself out with them as she does seem to put a lot of effort in to hanging around them whereas sometimes, they do not. But thats not for me to decide and out of my control. I just hope she isnt burning herself out by constantly being around them.

I understand the pedestal thing. Its just the more we've sponken, the more ive gotten to know her the more i've liked her. I tend to not put people on pedestals due to how hard i have been burned in the past. She hasnt changed much since we met, except she got warmer and warmer to me. (at least thats how it felt)

Im fine with distance. Right now the distance is fairly big, but im able to travel and ive not thought too far ahead, but i would be more than willing to move to the area shes from as i also have friends there and i am constantly looking to get out of the city i live as i hate it here and have been forced back to live here due to mental health and money.

 

[Ktm93]

I have feelings for one on the spectrum also. They occupy my brainwaves like a jingle that won't leave my mind. I get wrapped up thinking about their smile, their voice, their being.

It's hard, but relationships are a two way street. We have to abide by the other one's wishes. If they are taking a timeout, you just need to roll with it. You may or may not get back together. I often think we often don't realise what we had until we walk away from it then it can come back and bite us.

Try to stay in touch but don't be overbearing.

Good luck.☺

Thats like me, and that opening statement really made me think about her when you said her smile and her voice. I am giving her space, not asking her to do what we usually did, leaving it a while till i message back sometimes. Its just so hard and a struggle to roll with. We we're never together to split up, but yeah i have considered walking away because of things but if i miss this potential oppertunity i know ill regret it. My friend thinks we're doing well and she may or may not have feelings for me as everyone is different. Maybe she has some feelings, maybe shes just friendly.

Its just a struggle when something is taken away like that. If she didnt have aspergers i know i'd confront everything head on like i always do but because she does, i just need to take it slow and not overwhelm her.

 

[Aspychata]

Guess perhaps to casually mention that you considered moving to that area but you wonder what she thinks about that?

It is a feeler checking to see how she responds. She may need to process it and give you input.

I have asked twice to live with someone, but alot of us are content on our own so l didn't have any results. But l see that the "no" was a lot softer and went into some explanation which made me feel like they also had feelings invested in us. Relationships take time because we swim around in our emotions and this can be very draining for us.

 

[Ktm93]

Guess perhaps to casually mention that you considered moving to that area but you wonder what she thinks about that?

It is a feeler checking to see how she responds. She may need to process it and give you input.

I have asked twice to live with someone, but alot of us are content on our own so l didn't have any results. But l see that the "no" was a lot softer and went into some explanation which made me feel like they also had feelings invested in us. Relationships take time because we swim around in our emotions and this can be very draining for us.

I cant do that. I haven't even told her i have feelings for her yet. So i dont think me saying "im open to moving to you area" would be such a great idea right now. If that was a person saying that to me who was a friend i'd be creeped out tbh.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Yeah burn out can take a while to overcome. I moved home recently and started socialising with old friends from where I grew up etc. But whilst it was initially enjoyable, I soon burnt out. I'm just over a month since I've done much socialising. Problem is, whilst shying away from socialising can help us recharge - if you do it for too long it can become a problem in of itself.

As your friends have said, be patient etc. Play the long game. At the end of the day - when you know, you know. So listen to your intuition and go from there.

Ed

 

[Ktm93]

Yeah burn out can take a while to overcome. I moved home recently and started socialising with old friends from where I grew up etc. But whilst it was initially enjoyable, I soon burnt out. I'm just over a month since I've done much socialising. Problem is, whilst shying away from socialising can help us recharge - if you do it for too long it can become a problem in of itself.

As your friends have said, be patient etc. Play the long game. At the end of the day - when you know, you know. So listen to your intuition and go from there.

Ed

Thank you. My intuition is bad. That kind of fills me with dread lol. I've messed up so much in my life because i sometimes dont think or i overthink. I just want this to work for once. Im not even saying shes the one or anything. I just want that ride to see where we go. If we dont mesh or work then thats life. But she really seems like shes a rare find. There have been other women i've been talking to as friends and thats all its stayed as. Even ones who i normally would have been all over. And one even seems interested in me but i feel nothing for her.

I dont fall for someones personality often, which is probably why this is such a shock and a big thing for me to the point where im looking for guidance. Im also kind of scared.

The wall we've hit is a huge dent to my confidence just when i was getting so much back.

 

[Suzette]

@Ktm93
"I just need to take it slow and not overwhelm her". You have answered your own question.
When I was younger relationships, even plutonic ones, were a minefield for me emotionally. Trust was a big issue as so many people are phony and don't even realize it. People I thought were genuine friends would suddenly dissapear or even turn unkind if someone "better" came along etc.
Just keep being a consistent friend. Be there for her and give her time.

At some point you will need to tell her how you feel though. Be blunt about it. Don't be shy or coy, don't leave your comments up for interpretation. Tell her what your intentions are. You both deserve that.

 

[Aspychata]

Talking about it here is important and helps guide you thru your feelings. She must be really important to you and perhaps you are just really getting in touch with this. Feelings are difficult. I have pushed this person away many times from me because of my attachment to them. They probably go thru the same too. But when we reunite, it's just always so overwhelming. Lol

 

[Ktm93]

@Ktm93
"I just need to take it slow and not overwhelm her". You have answered your own question.
When I was younger relationships, even platonic ones, were a minefield for me emotionally. Trust was a big issue as so many people are phony and don't even realize it. People I thought were genuine friends would suddenly disappear or even turn unkind if someone "better" came along etc.
Just keep being a consistent friend. Be there for her and give her time.

At some point you will need to tell her how you feel though. Be blunt about it. Don't be shy or coy, don't leave your comments up for interpretation. Tell her what your intentions are. You both deserve that.

That was really helpful. Thank you. With me I do kind of know but I just freeze up and panic and need reassurance which isn't very attractive or grown up i guess. This does stem from my upbringing and the abusive relationship i was in. I know I lost some of her trust with the small argument we had. I apologised once on text and when we called I said it again because I wanted it to come from my voice.

I'm actually one of the most genuine people you could meet, and that's not a boast. It's just how i see the world. I can be very blunt, i do not sugar coat things. I don't take sides. Which annoys me because so many guys online are as you say, extremely phony. The woman I mentioned who seems to like me that I don't like at the moment is very good looking and gets lots of attention, but said she likes being around me because I'm "real" and I don't do the usual crap others do online. I just got to get her trust back I guess with patience.

I will tell her someday. I just hope its not too late and the right time. And thank you for the advice on being blunt. I can be very blunt, but with things like this I can sometimes try and turn it so it doesn't look like I'm interested or that bothered. I will remember that advice. Thank you.

 

[Ktm93]

Talking about it here is important and helps guide you thru your feelings. She must be really important to you and perhaps you are just really getting in touch with this. Feelings are difficult. I have pushed this person away many times from me because of my attachment to them. They probably go thru the same too. But when we reunite, it's just always so overwhelming. Lol

I dont know why but this made me emotional lol. Thats really nice to say and im so happy you can realise from my text that yes, she really is important to me. And thank you for the first sentence as i do feel a bit idk...silly for posting here to strangers. Im someone who doesnt open up very often. Im very closed off. She has even said she's noticed that and our first mini tiff was about me not telling her why i was in a bad mood. I know i need to open up to her. I also want to because i do not want to lose whatever we had and for a while i can at least have hope that we may be together someday.

I also sometimes self destruct and push people away when getting to close. I hate it. Im trying so hard here not to and shes worth that.

 

[Crossbreed]

@Ktm93, you still need in-person attraction.
Neither of you needs to be a Hollywood sex symbol, but mutual physical attraction is necessary, and usually influenced by pheromones, which can only be experienced in person.

If that is there (and you live in the USA), attend events and research online the concept of autism as neuro-diversity. (Not all organizations treat it that way.)

I list three such organizations at Autlanders, Thriving Outside of the Box: Finding Support Resources in the USA...

 

[Ktm93]

Do you realize how romantic this sounds? I melted when I read this. In fact, I had to jump back online just to comment on it.

I am going to triple dog dare you to copy/paste your original post on this thread into MS Word or something, and then reword it so that it's a message directly to her, rather than a query for help.

Haha thank you. I think that may overwhelm her though. Im not sure. I may copy and paste it to word but honestly, i think long messages overwhelm her in general. So may not be the best idea. Thank you for the nice comment saying it sounds romantic. I am romantic when i get given the chance. But my walls and barriers are up because im used to getting turned down by girls i like first. Every girlfriend ive had has been the one to tell me because i used to just play it cool and then settle for one who liked me. I've changed a lot since then. The barriers usually stay up though. So i dont really show my romantic side unless im actually in a relationship. Which hasnt been that often since the abusive relationship ended.

 

[Ktm93]

@Ktm93, you still need in-person attraction.
Neither of you needs to be a Hollywood sex symbol, but mutual physical attraction is necessary, and usually influenced by pheromones, which can only be experienced in person.

If that is there (and you live in the USA), attend events and research online the concept of autism as neuro-diversity. (Not all organizations treat it that way.)

I list three such organizations at Autlanders, Thriving Outside of the Box: Finding Support Resources in the USA...

I live in the UK.

Im aware of the importance of physical attraction in person. I need to get there first. Im not one to rush someone into meeting. I prefer it going naturally. Im not totally convinced of the whole pheromones thing. I have many friends who fell in love online and didnt meet for 1-2 years and have been married or together for between 5 and 10 years now. The attraction for them grew out of finding a soulmate and obviously finding them attractive via pictures and or video calls. I get what you're saying though and obviously a deeper connection will come about after they met.

I will check out the links though. Thank you.

 

[Crossbreed]

Im not totally convinced of the whole pheromones thing. I have many friends who fell in love online and didnt meet for 1-2 years and have been married or together for between 5 and 10 years now.

They possibly had a positive pheromonal response; at least, not a negative one.
With a neutral response, that person feels like a sister.
With a negative response, you feel repulsed by them, even if you liked them online/on-phone.
A positive response can override what you originally thought was an unflattering photo...

(Some call it "chemistry.")

 

[Aspychata]

But if they don't want to take it farther, it can be difficult to stay emotionally detached.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I concur about giving her space to decompress. Even being there for her to process things and having a pressure free conversation will help solidify things.

Things were similar with me meeting my spouse. I was still very shy when I contacted her about possibly car pooling to a Sierra Club trip. We spent months talking to prepare and I started falling for her. This was ages before smartphones, so, I did not know what to expect when we first met, and because of our conversations it went better than circumstances would have predicted. But still, that meeting and the trip that followed was critical to our relationship. We lived about 300 miles apart and after a couple of long distance visits we discussed living together and my move to Chicago since I was desirous to live in a more cosmopolitan city with better job prospects.

But things unfolded at a deliberate pace. Certainly I felt overwhelmed at times and sometimes there was friction, but we both decided to make the relationship work. In her response to the snafu, it seems she has already decided that. The best thing is for you to demonstrate to her that you maintain an interest in communicating at her pace. At some point, though, you will need to meet to really assess if you are compatible. Find out when she will have fewer stresses commanding her attention. I don't think that as you discuss that, talk of meeting at such a time would be too pushy. You are the one that has to advocate for your happiness and discussing any future with her is part of that. Just hear her to determine the time when she may be open to that.

 

[Aspychata]

@Gerald Wilgus

Very wise post from someone who had little experience at one point.

The big white elephant in the room is the word *commitment* . It's frightening for men to commit. It's like a woman came along and imprisoned you and you suddenly loose out on farting, or puting your shirt on inside out, or the incredible female who suddenly walks up to you on a clear blue day and throws herself on you. Men have these deep complicated needs and commitment totally trashes this and fries their caljones.

My former spouse was accusing of holding him back then he realised it wasn't true. I didn't check his phone, l wasn't in his business and he wore what ever he wanted.