I hope with all my heart that I don't get banned for this post. If this offends anybody at all, I apologize, and I hope you have advice. But, I am going to explain right now, what caused my faith to be shattered into total oblivion, why I have none anymore, and why I am no longer going to devote personal time into reading a Bible, going to Church, praising "God", saying prayers or doing anything that even remotely touches any sort of essence of God or Jesus.
As you all may or may not know, my sister has been absent for a while. I cannot go into details of this, because the information behind it is way too sensitive and my family would flay my hind end if they saw it here. All I can say is that a certain family member is involved, and leave it at that.
She has been absent from us since I first came back from Cherry Hospital in March of this year, and ever since then we have been fighting an intense war of sorts to try and get her back. Little by little we have been making progress and have gotten closer and closer to retrieving her at last. As of late we were informed that all it will take now, is a few home visits, and then she can transition home. The problem lies within the social services office; they have to recommend the home visits, in order for the process to start.
I just overheard a phone call from my stepfather to the worker's office today, saying that they would not recommend the home visits. This means I have just lost my sister for good, and that I am now once again an only child.
I have been a Christian my entire life. I was taught, since age five, about the bible, different stories in it, and different ways that people in the Bible were influenced by God, and how He apparently helped them and used his powers in ways that people were able to live by Him.
I was taught that God is a GOOD being, that he HELPS people, and that he works to HEAL you in times of desperation.
I was taught that if I am not Saved and baptized, my "soul" wouldn't go to Heaven.
I now realize, after all those years, a decade and a half of placing faith in a being that I can't touch, see, hear, smell, feel, measure or sense in any single way, that all of those times that I was forced by my uncle and aunt to go to church, read a bible and say prayers before I go to bed, was time that I have effectively WASTED and will never get back!!
I TRUSTED God! I put FAITH in Him! I had to HOPE and PRAY to Him, that everything would work out in the end and get better! Look what just happened to me! Look what has BEEN happening to me all this time! We were supposed to be in a house by now!! We were supposed to have my sister back! She was never even supposed to be taken away to begin with!! We were never supposed to lose anything we were surviving off of! I was never supposed to spend AN ENTIRE TEENHOOD, CHILDHOO AND ADOLESCENCE BEING ASSAILED BY BULLIES AND CONDESCENDING AUTHORITY FIGURES WHO USE CORPORAL DISCIPLINE AS A TOY FOR AMUSEMENT!! I was just supposed to be a casual Asperger's patient living a life that anyone else would live!! Why am I suffering?! Why am I having to pray for death?! WHY IS GOD LETTING THIS HAPPEN?!
If I ever had a new reason to hate the image of humanity living life as it normally does, if I ever had a brand new reason to LOATHE the very presence of human life and the planet Earth itself, it's this chaotic plague of entropy that has befallen my miserable existence! Not ONCE did I ask for this! Not ONCE did I pray, ask, beg, plead or inquire about even the single POSSIBILITY of this ever taking place in my life. I was a simple person, with an existence that was the same frequency as everyone else, I haven't ever hurt anyone. I've never done anything wrong or illegal in my life. I've never done anything of bad karma that would cause it to come back forty-fold. All I've ever done my whole life is mind my own business and tend to myself, spending time drawing digital art on computers and, like I said, minding my own business.
And yet, people I've never met that I talk to about this kind of thing, still tell me and expect me to continue to have faith, and hope, and just pray to God that it all works out.
What kind of loving, caring and blessed god would allow someone's life to get this difficult, to near-impossible status?! And don't tell me there are people starving in Africa that don't have a place to live, that don't even have full plates of food to eat, don't tell me there are homeless people living in boxes on the street having to ask for fruit and spare change, only for 9 people out of 10 that walk by them to tell them to go blip themselves and assume they only want another bottle of beer. Don't tell me that there are children being BORN with cancer in their bodies who will only live to be ten years old and never live to see puberty. Don't tell me any of that stuff, because I already know it's there, and that it happens, and that gives me all the more reason to swear off this banquet of lies I've been force-fed my entire freaking life.
As you all may or may not know, my sister has been absent for a while. I cannot go into details of this, because the information behind it is way too sensitive and my family would flay my hind end if they saw it here. All I can say is that a certain family member is involved, and leave it at that.
She has been absent from us since I first came back from Cherry Hospital in March of this year, and ever since then we have been fighting an intense war of sorts to try and get her back. Little by little we have been making progress and have gotten closer and closer to retrieving her at last. As of late we were informed that all it will take now, is a few home visits, and then she can transition home. The problem lies within the social services office; they have to recommend the home visits, in order for the process to start.
I just overheard a phone call from my stepfather to the worker's office today, saying that they would not recommend the home visits. This means I have just lost my sister for good, and that I am now once again an only child.
I have been a Christian my entire life. I was taught, since age five, about the bible, different stories in it, and different ways that people in the Bible were influenced by God, and how He apparently helped them and used his powers in ways that people were able to live by Him.
I was taught that God is a GOOD being, that he HELPS people, and that he works to HEAL you in times of desperation.
I was taught that if I am not Saved and baptized, my "soul" wouldn't go to Heaven.
I now realize, after all those years, a decade and a half of placing faith in a being that I can't touch, see, hear, smell, feel, measure or sense in any single way, that all of those times that I was forced by my uncle and aunt to go to church, read a bible and say prayers before I go to bed, was time that I have effectively WASTED and will never get back!!
I TRUSTED God! I put FAITH in Him! I had to HOPE and PRAY to Him, that everything would work out in the end and get better! Look what just happened to me! Look what has BEEN happening to me all this time! We were supposed to be in a house by now!! We were supposed to have my sister back! She was never even supposed to be taken away to begin with!! We were never supposed to lose anything we were surviving off of! I was never supposed to spend AN ENTIRE TEENHOOD, CHILDHOO AND ADOLESCENCE BEING ASSAILED BY BULLIES AND CONDESCENDING AUTHORITY FIGURES WHO USE CORPORAL DISCIPLINE AS A TOY FOR AMUSEMENT!! I was just supposed to be a casual Asperger's patient living a life that anyone else would live!! Why am I suffering?! Why am I having to pray for death?! WHY IS GOD LETTING THIS HAPPEN?!
If I ever had a new reason to hate the image of humanity living life as it normally does, if I ever had a brand new reason to LOATHE the very presence of human life and the planet Earth itself, it's this chaotic plague of entropy that has befallen my miserable existence! Not ONCE did I ask for this! Not ONCE did I pray, ask, beg, plead or inquire about even the single POSSIBILITY of this ever taking place in my life. I was a simple person, with an existence that was the same frequency as everyone else, I haven't ever hurt anyone. I've never done anything wrong or illegal in my life. I've never done anything of bad karma that would cause it to come back forty-fold. All I've ever done my whole life is mind my own business and tend to myself, spending time drawing digital art on computers and, like I said, minding my own business.
And yet, people I've never met that I talk to about this kind of thing, still tell me and expect me to continue to have faith, and hope, and just pray to God that it all works out.
What kind of loving, caring and blessed god would allow someone's life to get this difficult, to near-impossible status?! And don't tell me there are people starving in Africa that don't have a place to live, that don't even have full plates of food to eat, don't tell me there are homeless people living in boxes on the street having to ask for fruit and spare change, only for 9 people out of 10 that walk by them to tell them to go blip themselves and assume they only want another bottle of beer. Don't tell me that there are children being BORN with cancer in their bodies who will only live to be ten years old and never live to see puberty. Don't tell me any of that stuff, because I already know it's there, and that it happens, and that gives me all the more reason to swear off this banquet of lies I've been force-fed my entire freaking life.