• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Faith Shattered Into Dust

UberScout

Please Don't Be Mad At Me 02/09/1996
V.I.P Member
I hope with all my heart that I don't get banned for this post. If this offends anybody at all, I apologize, and I hope you have advice. But, I am going to explain right now, what caused my faith to be shattered into total oblivion, why I have none anymore, and why I am no longer going to devote personal time into reading a Bible, going to Church, praising "God", saying prayers or doing anything that even remotely touches any sort of essence of God or Jesus.

As you all may or may not know, my sister has been absent for a while. I cannot go into details of this, because the information behind it is way too sensitive and my family would flay my hind end if they saw it here. All I can say is that a certain family member is involved, and leave it at that.

She has been absent from us since I first came back from Cherry Hospital in March of this year, and ever since then we have been fighting an intense war of sorts to try and get her back. Little by little we have been making progress and have gotten closer and closer to retrieving her at last. As of late we were informed that all it will take now, is a few home visits, and then she can transition home. The problem lies within the social services office; they have to recommend the home visits, in order for the process to start.

I just overheard a phone call from my stepfather to the worker's office today, saying that they would not recommend the home visits. This means I have just lost my sister for good, and that I am now once again an only child.

I have been a Christian my entire life. I was taught, since age five, about the bible, different stories in it, and different ways that people in the Bible were influenced by God, and how He apparently helped them and used his powers in ways that people were able to live by Him.

I was taught that God is a GOOD being, that he HELPS people, and that he works to HEAL you in times of desperation.

I was taught that if I am not Saved and baptized, my "soul" wouldn't go to Heaven.

I now realize, after all those years, a decade and a half of placing faith in a being that I can't touch, see, hear, smell, feel, measure or sense in any single way, that all of those times that I was forced by my uncle and aunt to go to church, read a bible and say prayers before I go to bed, was time that I have effectively WASTED and will never get back!!

I TRUSTED God! I put FAITH in Him! I had to HOPE and PRAY to Him, that everything would work out in the end and get better! Look what just happened to me! Look what has BEEN happening to me all this time! We were supposed to be in a house by now!! We were supposed to have my sister back! She was never even supposed to be taken away to begin with!! We were never supposed to lose anything we were surviving off of! I was never supposed to spend AN ENTIRE TEENHOOD, CHILDHOO AND ADOLESCENCE BEING ASSAILED BY BULLIES AND CONDESCENDING AUTHORITY FIGURES WHO USE CORPORAL DISCIPLINE AS A TOY FOR AMUSEMENT!! I was just supposed to be a casual Asperger's patient living a life that anyone else would live!! Why am I suffering?! Why am I having to pray for death?! WHY IS GOD LETTING THIS HAPPEN?!

If I ever had a new reason to hate the image of humanity living life as it normally does, if I ever had a brand new reason to LOATHE the very presence of human life and the planet Earth itself, it's this chaotic plague of entropy that has befallen my miserable existence! Not ONCE did I ask for this! Not ONCE did I pray, ask, beg, plead or inquire about even the single POSSIBILITY of this ever taking place in my life. I was a simple person, with an existence that was the same frequency as everyone else, I haven't ever hurt anyone. I've never done anything wrong or illegal in my life. I've never done anything of bad karma that would cause it to come back forty-fold. All I've ever done my whole life is mind my own business and tend to myself, spending time drawing digital art on computers and, like I said, minding my own business.

And yet, people I've never met that I talk to about this kind of thing, still tell me and expect me to continue to have faith, and hope, and just pray to God that it all works out.

What kind of loving, caring and blessed god would allow someone's life to get this difficult, to near-impossible status?! And don't tell me there are people starving in Africa that don't have a place to live, that don't even have full plates of food to eat, don't tell me there are homeless people living in boxes on the street having to ask for fruit and spare change, only for 9 people out of 10 that walk by them to tell them to go blip themselves and assume they only want another bottle of beer. Don't tell me that there are children being BORN with cancer in their bodies who will only live to be ten years old and never live to see puberty. Don't tell me any of that stuff, because I already know it's there, and that it happens, and that gives me all the more reason to swear off this banquet of lies I've been force-fed my entire freaking life.
 
Look up the Metallica song The God That Failed on Youtube. I read a while back that James Hetfield's mom was a Christian Scientist, and that she got cancer and refused medical help and chose praying instead, and died in agony. So the song is Hetfield raging against God for letting his mother die horribly when she fully trusted and believed that He would heal her miraculously if she prayed hard enough. "Trust you gave / A child to save / Left you cold and him in grave". "Broken is a promise, betrayal / The healing hand held back by the deepened nail / Follow the God that failed!"
 
I won't try to convince you to keep your faith. I don't care whether you believe or not. Faith or no faith I do care about your well being though. You don't need a god in your life to be a good person and there are far more people on the planet who don't believe in the Christian god than do, but...
Walking away from faith always seems to be a BIG life changing decision whenever I hear it talked about - such decisions are best made with a cool head rather than in anger. Don't burn any bridges until you've had a chance to think it through away from the haze of strong emotions :)
 
I regret to inform you, Autistamatic, that those bridges got struck by lightning; now who did that, I wonder?!
 
Look up the Metallica song The God That Failed on Youtube. I read a while back that James Hetfield's mom was a Christian Scientist, and that she got cancer and refused medical help and chose praying instead, and died in agony. So the song is Hetfield raging against God for letting his mother die horribly when she fully trusted and believed that He would heal her miraculously if she prayed hard enough. "Trust you gave / A child to save / Left you cold and him in grave". "Broken is a promise, betrayal / The healing hand held back by the deepened nail / Follow the God that failed!"

Human logic dictates that pursuing something that fails in its intended purpose does not yield positive results. When something is made and has a certain intended purpose, it is supposed to act on that purpose. The one in question here is not to make EVERYONE's life easy to live, but give meaning to it, and keep its followers having faith. A song titled "The God That Failed" is quite fitting indeed, but the lyrics "Follow the god that failed" contradict themselves;

Let's say you go to a dealership to buy a new car. Everyone knows what a car is supposed to; you get inside one, step on the gas pedal, and it goes forward, right? Well, let's say, this car has everything it's supposed to have in it; a battery, gas, a motor, wheels, a chassis, good mileage, an engine, and everything that makes a car tick. As soon as you get in the car, and start it up, and go to leave the dealership, you step on the gas pedal...and nothing happens. The car has failed its intended purpose, which was to go forward and transport you somewhere. Therefore, continuing to use that car will neither offer nor yield no results, because it does not do what it was made out to do.

The same goes for this being I am apparently supposed to follow. I prayed to God, and had faith in him, and asked Him, with every fiber of hope from the bottom of my heart, to bring my sister back to us.

They just refused to let her have home visits, meaning she transition home, ergo, I have lost my sister. I will never be able to do things to spend time her, like playing those video games she loves playing with me, I will never be able to teach her things like how certain mechanics in a complicated game work, I will never be able to teach her what I know about the Japanese language,

MY SISTER IS GONE FOREVER. Thanks a LOT, God!! You're doing an AWESOME JOB. /sarcasm
 
I think she means that your sister is probably being protected by services and more thinking needed to happen about whether it's appropriate for her to be in your current family setting. You were posting recently about how bad your family situation is. Calm down and give this some more thought.

Meanwhile, how are you, and what do you need to do for your own wellbeing?
 
PROTECTED?!

YOU THINK SHE'S BEING PROTECTED?!


None of us have ever hurt my sister, not even me. I have never touched her, I have never yelled at her, I have never hit her or done anything REMOTELY wrong to her in any way, not even thrown an insult her way.
I have done nothing but be a big brother to her for EIGHT YEARS OF MY LIFE. I have devoted nearly every milisecond of time I have had to spare towards her doing nothing but good to her.

Every day, I hear about her being in trouble for things that aren't her fault. I keep hearing about her being punished, scolded and thrown, yes, thrown into her room for simple, miniscule mistakes she makes, like forgetting to brush her teeth or do her homework. Every single day, it's a new story about how she's being ABUSED!!

And here you are trying to make me think that they are actually protecting her. My stepfather and I have dealt with government offices and officials ever since I was able to read and he was able to talk. They have done nothing good or helpful to us, less alone protect us in any way.

Don't tell me, do not TRY TO TELL ME, that my sister is being protected by them in any way. I know who they are and what they really do behind the scenes and none of it is protection of any sort. Trust me, if you take a few moments of time to read in between the lines and do enough research you'll know what I mean.

We have NEVER and NEVER WILL hurt her in any way. I better not ever be told such a blatant, convoluted piece of stained information for a long, long time, or I will be seriously livid.
 
Not religious...

But there are bad things that can happen to you that can turn into valuable lessons for later. In your case it's a lesson I have learned a long time ago, to never trust the government or anything associated with the public sector. You can try to put yourself in a position where they can be useful to you, but never trust them with anything or rely on them.

Not getting her back isn't the problem here, the problem is public workers got their hands on her in the first place. Unfortunately, it's she that will suffer for her parents' mistakes. That's how the system works, parents screw up and kids pay the price.

There is nothing you can do and being angry about it won't fix it. This is the way the world works, learn to navigate it so you won't end up in a similar situation again later in life. You got a crappy start in life, so make sure it doesn't have a crappy middle and end as well.
 
Our world is filled with unimaginable suffering. Your indignation and rage is beyond the immediate understanding of anyone here. Your anger and confusion are legitimate.

Sometimes, just to continue existing is an unbearable burden and nothing anyone says or does can ease the ache.

It seems to be an infuriating universe. Infuriating things are happening at every moment to a point beyond any remote possibility of comprehension.

You use the phrase "supposed to" often. The word rarely ever applies. Nothing is supposed to be any particular way. The appearance of reality is chaos.

I felt like that was supposed to build up to something useful, but it's not. That's it.

I hope you achieve a semblance of relief as soon as possible, and I'm sorry that everything that has ever happened happened the way it happened.
 
One of the things that I stand against, with every fiber of my being, is someone claiming that I have somehow hurt my sibling(s) enough that they have to be legally protected from me and my family, when that is nowhere remotely near the case, and we have shown nothing but love and care to her. She's in such good health that common cold she'd get might last only half a day before it leaves her system, and we've only known her to eat her diet as %80 vegetables and fruits, and the other %20 is the rest of the food pyramid; she's so physically fit that I can't even outrun her in a footrace from the front door to the end of the driveway and back, and I'm twenty-two freaking years old! This is a nine year old child we're talking about.

Does any of that information sound like we've hurt her in any way?!

No, I don't want to bare this on a p
Not religious...

But there are bad things that can happen to you that can turn into valuable lessons for later. In your case it's a lesson I have learned a long time ago, to never trust the government or anything associated with the public sector. You can try to put yourself in a position where they can be useful to you, but never trust them with anything or rely on them.

Not getting her back isn't the problem here, the problem is public workers got their hands on her in the first place. Unfortunately, it's she that will suffer for her parents' mistakes. That's how the system works, parents screw up and kids pay the price.

There is nothing you can do and being angry about it won't fix it. This is the way the world works, learn to navigate it so you won't end up in a similar situation again later in life. You got a crappy start in life, so make sure it doesn't have a crappy middle and end as well.

So, what youre saying is, im never going to get my sister back, and it's apparently because my parents, who ive known all my life to know exactly what they are doing, and have never actually screwed up taking care of any of us, made a mistake somewhere.

They may not be perfect, but they dont make mistakes like that.

But, whatever you want to believe.

Kinda doesn't help you marked that as "friendly". Calling my parents screw ups when they've done nothing wrong isn't friendly.

I guess I really am an only child again. Thanks, God.
 
Our world is filled with unimaginable suffering. Your indignation and rage is beyond the immediate understanding of anyone here. Your anger and confusion are legitimate.

Sometimes, just to continue existing is an unbearable burden and nothing anyone says or does can ease the ache.

It seems to be an infuriating universe. Infuriating things are happening at every moment to a point beyond any remote possibility of comprehension.

You use the phrase "supposed to" often. The word rarely ever applies. Nothing is supposed to be any particular way. The appearance of reality is chaos.

I felt like that was supposed to build up to something useful, but it's not. That's it.

I hope you achieve a semblance of relief as soon as possible, and I'm sorry that everything that has ever happened happened the way it happened.

I'm not going to. Ever.

Fortunately there are ways out of this situation that dont require much effort.

Oh, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk about my parents any more. They didn't screw up anywhere, so leave them out of this.
 
The God That Failed, youtube link:


Keep in mind that at least the way I interpret it, when Hetfield says "follow the god that failed" he is being sarcastic, he is referring to his mom's belief that God would miraculously heal her even as she was in torment from the cancer. The cancer got worse and worse and she still believed that God would heal her. IOW she had blind faith in God even as God let her down.

Another song from the same album, Unforgiven:


The video is actually quite famous, it depicts a man held in a prison-like cell his entire life. This song was my personal anthem during high school when I was rejected and bullied. "You labeled me / I'll label you / So I dub thee unforgiven".
 
My new persona.jpg
I want you all to take a look at the following image and try to link it to me somehow, as best as you can. I often have trouble describing myself to people through words alone, and how I think, so just look at this gentleman right here, and think about me for a moment. Look at the flame he holds in his hand. Notice how one eye is glowing. See how he has a non-caring expression, as if to say that he doesn't care how things turn out. Look at his demeanor.

Now, the most defining trait: notice how he is not human, but a skeleton wearing human clothes.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom