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Eye contact..

josolito

josolito

Active Member
Hi I am a new found aspie haha well atleast I believe so. Though not necessarily diagnosed I have a degree in social work and I honestly believe I am on the spectrum which has gave me so much relief. Anyways eye contact is horrible for me I hate it so much like when I am on the train all the time in my hometown NewYork I will try to do anything to not look people in the eye..it makes my heart start racing and I feel as thiugh they can tell I am getting frightened.s I wanted to know do people feel about the same and what makes you feel so uncomfortable with the eye thing??
 
Welcome to AspiesCentral!

I think my fears about eye contact existed because people used to stare at me a lot when I was a child. (I have cerebral palsy, so my walk is different from the "standard.") But I've learned to handle eye contact better over time.
 
Hi Josolito :)

I can look at people for a little while when they're talking to me, but often I end up looking just behind them, or to the side. I think I feel like I'm being scrutinised and looked at critically when people look me in the eye when I speak, which is actually what I'm doing when I look at things, and I just assume others do the same.

I've worked out that if I put a look on my face like I'm considering what they're saying (which I usually am), then people don't tend to worry about it. Also, if you're on public transport and the proximity of people gets to you, then of course you don't want to make eye contact! Try taking a book and reading, that way no-one is likely to disturb you and you can look at pages instead :)
 
Something I'm wondering is the following: when I talk I rarely make eye contact, it feels really uncomfortable. But when the other person is talking I do make eye contact all the time, which feels normal. Am I in a group, then I make eye contact with no one except the person talking (in case of a presentation).
Does anyone have something similar?
 
Eliora said:
Something I'm wondering is the following: when I talk I rarely make eye contact, it feels really uncomfortable. But when the other person is talking I do make eye contact all the time, which feels normal. Am I in a group, then I make eye contact with no one except the person talking (in case of a presentation).
Does anyone have something similar?
Click to expand...
Yes I will only do it if the person is speaking with me though it can feel uncomfortable at times I try to maintain it 85% of the time. Something that I prob would never do but my mother insisted that I do. Hell I don't even look at my teacher lecturing to the class they must think im so uninsterested lol. But groups yes I will take some glances but only to the one speaking
 
josolito said:
Yes I will only do it if the person is speaking with me though it can feel uncomfortable at times I try to maintain it 85% of the time. Something that I prob would never do but my mother insisted that I do. Hell I don't even look at my teacher lecturing to the class they must think im so uninsterested lol. But groups yes I will take some glances but only to the one speaking
Click to expand...
In class I would mostly just stare into nothing haha or draw rubbish. But yeah everywhere I read being uncomfortable with eye contact but I don't have that in an one on one setting where the other is speaking.
 
I can maintain eye contact with people for a while, but always feel VERY self-conscious when I'm doing it.

I consider it just another NT behavior I "fake" to get by. But it's one of those things I feel is also quite necessary if one has the ability to fake it. Otherwise you run the risk of appearing evasive or dishonest in the eyes of an NT world.
 
I think my inability to maintain eye contact is strongly connected to my intense fear of being judged.
 
Vexx3 said:
I think my inability to maintain eye contact is strongly connected to my intense fear of being judged.
Click to expand...

Interesting point. Such a fear can be an integral aspect of social anxiety disorder. Something I first approached medical professionals about back in the early 80s.
 
Just want to share this real quick:

I'm averse to eye contact but I still notice people's eyes and eye color. I commented on a guy's blacked out contacts once and he said that even people close to him haven't noticed them and he's been wearing them for weeks.

I just wanted to reassure you guys, even NTs don't make eye contact. No one is judging you. No one cares. Just keep doing what makes you comfortable. You are all awesome just the way you are.


Sent from my iPhone using AspiesCentral.com
 
Judge said:
Interesting point. Such a fear can be an integral aspect of social anxiety disorder. Something I first approached medical professionals about back in the early 80s.
Click to expand...
Indeed. I'm now on my third therapist for it, though now it's with the knowledge that I have Asperger's.
 
I've never had problems with eye contact, well... I did have problems with looking someone I had a crush on in the past, I only could for a few seconds.

Nowadays I can look everyone in the eyes without getting the urge to break the eye contact. Still I'm not someone who likes it to look into the eyes of a stranger, except for therapists. I don't seem to have problems there.

If you want to learn it, make a challenge of it. For example try your mom, dad or someone you are comfortable with and try to look them as long in the eyes as you can.
You can also let them pick rewards to give you if you've for example looked them in his/her eyes for 15 seconds without looking away, that way you will grow more comfortable with eye contact ;)
 
My heart starts racing with eye contact too. I try to avoid it with everyone (including family). It makes me uncomfortable and I need to look away (hiding is not an option but if I could I would).
The strange thing is I am attracted to pictures of eyes and they are the part I first look at in a woman. This is one of my many Aspie related confusions in life.
 
josolito said:
Hi I am a new found aspie haha well atleast I believe so. Though not necessarily diagnosed I have a degree in social work and I honestly believe I am on the spectrum which has gave me so much relief. Anyways eye contact is horrible for me I hate it so much like when I am on the train all the time in my hometown NewYork I will try to do anything to not look people in the eye..it makes my heart start racing and I feel as thiugh they can tell I am getting frightened.s I wanted to know do people feel about the same and what makes you feel so uncomfortable with the eye thing??
Click to expand...

I have this as well, most of the time. Sometimes, with the right person, right discussion (usually a close friend or something, talking about hobbies or something else where my guard is let down a bit more), it's not such a big deal. Often, though, it is something I physically feel and can be very uncomfortable. The best analogy I can think of is, for me at least, it's a little bit like staring into the sun while simultaneously feeling something an overpowering sense of embarrassment and discomfort. I usually look just to the side of people much of the time, or maybe focus on something specific, like their nose (so it looks like I'm making eye contact).
 
For me I remember being a littke kid and learning about eye contact. (The thought had never crossed my mind). I remember making it a priority and practicing it for days til I felt like I was really good at it.

Then kids started saying "What are you staring at?!"
I was hurt and confused and tried to drop the eye contact thing.

Nowadays I feel like I'm pretty good with people I know well. (Though I do notice that I don't make eye contact when I'm focusing on what I'm saying - it usually happens if I'm bored in the conversation.

On public transit I usually find the whole thing uncomfortable and like window seats but will sit anywhere and play things in my mind to endure it.

I usually ignore the people, but send them good thoughts. Whatever.
 
As someone who on most days can appear totally NT, eye contact still is hard. I think these days I do it too much, then do it less than I should to compensate for doing it too much. I wish I could just do it the right way without thinking:
 
This one's interesting to me... I didn't notice until I realized I'm on the spectrum that I do way too much eye contact.

It makes sense to me that Aspies tend to avoid eye contact--it's loaded with meaning. The eyes are a pretty big window to the soul. Because I didn't get that for a long time, I would look at people without thinking about how I was casting a ray of judgment on them. I didn't mean it that way, but I see now that that's how it feels to be looked at by someone like me who has no interest in actually conversing!

Amanda Palmer's TED Talk, "The Art of Asking", has a great bit at the beginning where she talks about her time as a human statue, and the connections she would feel with people through eye contact.
 
When I look right at people, as I sometimes do, it is out of wariness and to see if they are the abusive kind.

Edit: I thought it was one third of the time.
 
Yeah, I don't do so well with the eye-contact thing, especially with people I don't know. I can even be that way with people I do know, however, during times of conflict when I basically have to be ready to blow straight up in order to stare someone down.
 
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